Feeling a tad bit lonely
So I haven't written in a little while. Life has been so crazy lately. People seem to zoom in and out of my life. I feel so empty inside like theres no satisfaction of knowing I make someone as happy as they may make me. I feel so distant from my family, and friends. It's like there's no one to run to tell me that Im doing alright, that Im a good person, and that Im making the best of myself. I never quite feel very appreciated let alone acknowledged anymore. My life has come down to working, trying to do school, and hanging out with one friend. See the biggest problem that triggerd this all is that I haven't been doing so well financially, or with school, or with having friends. So I met a friend that I was quite content with being just friends with and still am. The thing is; is that I have been spending all my time with this person. The time with my friend just kind of built a void of all my other problems. I didn't feel so damn alone. Well this is the first night that I haven't hung out with my friend and all my emotions have come crashing down on my head like it was meant to kill me. Which I am sure this isn't the healthiest thing. That and I shouldn't make this part of my friends problem.
2 weekends ago now was my 20th birthday. Wow what a wake up call! Not exactly the one you would think though. I'm looking at my life and nothing has gotten any easier since the time I was 13. Im still busting my ass off for work, Im paying my own bills (which are not very light) and it could be me but it seems like a little much for me. I can't seem to find a job where I can afford to move out which is just bullshit. As much as I want to be near people I also just need that freedom to be alone and know that Im okay with out everyone supporting me.
So these are just random thoughts being blurted out because I need to type them out to know how I'm feeling. I can express myself and learn about how I feel by typing. I feel so hurt inside, so empty. My life just seems way to fast for me. I can't keep up with whats going on. Sometimes I think this is just a life I dont want to live. I am not trying to sound suicidal or anything although the thoughts have crossed my mind enough times through my life. When does it start to get better? Everyone says life gets better but if life is known for its younger years then when is my time. Because my younger years don't seem to be anything more than trying to get through life vs. living it. I wish there really was a way to tell if theres a better life after this one, because I wouldnt stall to jump at the chance to go for it. Anyways theres enough of my messed up life. I really dont feel like talking about it much more anyways. As the text goes up on the screen I realize more and more about myself and I cant help to just cry. I just want to feel whole inside and not so alone.
2 weekends ago now was my 20th birthday. Wow what a wake up call! Not exactly the one you would think though. I'm looking at my life and nothing has gotten any easier since the time I was 13. Im still busting my ass off for work, Im paying my own bills (which are not very light) and it could be me but it seems like a little much for me. I can't seem to find a job where I can afford to move out which is just bullshit. As much as I want to be near people I also just need that freedom to be alone and know that Im okay with out everyone supporting me.
So these are just random thoughts being blurted out because I need to type them out to know how I'm feeling. I can express myself and learn about how I feel by typing. I feel so hurt inside, so empty. My life just seems way to fast for me. I can't keep up with whats going on. Sometimes I think this is just a life I dont want to live. I am not trying to sound suicidal or anything although the thoughts have crossed my mind enough times through my life. When does it start to get better? Everyone says life gets better but if life is known for its younger years then when is my time. Because my younger years don't seem to be anything more than trying to get through life vs. living it. I wish there really was a way to tell if theres a better life after this one, because I wouldnt stall to jump at the chance to go for it. Anyways theres enough of my messed up life. I really dont feel like talking about it much more anyways. As the text goes up on the screen I realize more and more about myself and I cant help to just cry. I just want to feel whole inside and not so alone.