Lost
“I have finally decided to visit Stu. Yeah, that one, my “friend with benefits”. You’ve seen him. A classy guy, isn’t he? Unfortunately, he can only make it here a couple of times a year, and then we have to sustain ourselves on the calls-and-e-mails diet for another few months. So, I thought, why does he always have to shuttle back and forth? Plus, I wanted to see Philly and needed a break from the daily routine… To make a long story short, I went over there for a weekend.
“He was planning to go to a party on Saturday night and offered to take me with him and introduce me to some friends of his. Well, the important part is that he offered to drive me there and suggested we take my car. He said it’s silly to take two cars, since parking may be tricky over there. I think he just wanted to give my new Lexus a test drive, but I was happy anyway - I hate driving in an unfamiliar city.
“You know me, I am a topographical idiot if ever there was one. Even when I drive myself, I always take wrong turns and confuse left with right. I even get lost in those cities where the letter-avenues are perpendicular to the number-streets. Funny, considering my professional success and the number of people working under me, how I can be so smart at marketing and management and so dumb at the wheel. And that’s when I am the one driving; when I am driven somewhere I just relax and look at the trees and buildings outside the window, not even attempting to orient myself. I am telling you, if I am ever kidnapped, the last things kidnappers would need is to put a blindfold over my eyes. I would never know in which direction we are driving after the second turn. I would not be able to go to the same place again to save my life.
“I have no idea where we were, but I liked the party. Fun crowd, nice music, decent food. The host, Al, was cute, he kept flirting with me, but I’ve arrived with Stu, it didn’t feel right… After an hour or so, this young redhead arrived. You know the type - endless legs, a mane that would honor a circus lion, and mile-long purple nails. But Stu really dug her. He sweet-talked to her all evening, danced with her, kept wispering things in her ear and pressing against her… Stu can get almost any girl he wants, even if she is young enough to be his daughter. Well, some time around midnight he approaches me, looking slightly embarrassed, and asks whether I wouldn’t mind if he goes to Jennie’s place. I could drive back to his house alone, couldn’t I? He would give me the keys. I looked at him and knew right away that I better tell him that I would make it back just fine, no problem. And give him a smile. And wish him a wonderful evening, ehm, night. He always says he appreciates me for this, for being his good buddy first and foremost, for being someone he doesn’t have to play games with.
What are you talking about? I am not complaining! I am only lamenting the fact that I was suddenly alone in a totally unfamiliar neighborhood. But that’s a minor problem - I can always ask the host for directions.
“After they left, I didn’t want to stay there any longer - I didn’t know anyone at the party. So, I approach Al and ask him how to get out of the neighborhood. Once on a highway, I could find my way, I still had the MapQuest printout of directions to Stu’s house, and I made the trip once before when I got there in the first place. It was just a matter of finding my way to a highway, since Al’s house wasn’t anywhere close to one. It turned out, Al had no idea that Stu had left with the redhead; apparently, Stu only told me that he was leaving. So, Al stares at me, surprised, and asks, ‘Where is your friend?’ Where, shmere, he left with that lion-mane with purple nails! He gives me this sneering, sly look, ‘Are you jealous?’ Naturally, I was insulted. Jealousy my arse, that’s not the type of relationship we have, we only see each other a couple of times a year; in fact, I am very happy for him, he is no spring chicken anymore, yet these young girls still find him quite attractive, so, good for him. One can’t be jealous of Stu, it’s like…like… being jealous of an eagle in the sky, it’s silly, really. We’ve been seeing each other for a few years now, women in his life come and go, and only I remain, precisely because I don’t concern myself with such silliness. Just tell me how to get out of here. Oh, but he was stubborn: ‘If you don’t admit that you are jealous, I am not giving you the directions.’ Imagine that! What an obnoxious jerk! I just turned around and left. I figured I could go to some gas station and ask them for directions.
“I am afraid to even tell you what happened next. I don’t want to recall the whole ordeal myself. It’s approximately a forty five minute drive from Al’s place to Stu’s, but it took me well over two hours, and that’s considering the empty streets. I ended up in some really bad, scary neighborhood, I was afraid to get out of the car and ask for directions, the roads were awful, the people were drunk or high, and here I am, in my mini-skirt, in that damn new Lexus. I kept circling around, ending up at the same place over and over again. By 1 am I was so exhausted that I didn’t even care about my safety anymore and got out of the car at the first gas station. What do you know, there was a very nice, polite young man there who gave me the detailed directions. But I am a topographic idiot, you know, I got lost again anyway, couldn’t get to that blasted highway for another while. When I got to the Stu’s house it was 3 am. Then I couldn’t open his door. It’s pitch dark, and I don’t have a lighter - you know I don’t smoke. I just kept poking the lock and not getting anywhere with it. I was getting really cold - I was dressed for a party, I counted on quickly jumping in and out of the car, and it was October… At some point I just sat down on the porch and started crying - wailing, really. I don’t know how long I cried, but then I got up, pushed the key into the lock, and kicked that door with such fury that it opened. Turned out, the lock was OK all along, it’s just that the door is tight, I needed to push harder. I am telling you, I am such an idiot sometimes.
“I took a hot shower, drank some tea and went to bed. Stu came back some time in the late afternoon - a satisfied, happy cat. He asked me how I got back. I was still livid at Al, so I told Stu everything. Stu got mad, called Al and yelled at him; I don’t know what he said, I went to another room. But at some point Stu asked me to take the phone - Al was going to apologize. Guess what I told Al? I said, ‘I’ll forgive you if you admit that you are envious of Stu.’ Naturally, he starts denying it, but I wouldn’t let this one go. He became furious, started shouting, ‘ENVIOUS? How stupid is that? It’s you who are jealous, but hiding it!’. ‘I am not jealous, but you are envious!’ I scream back. ‘Am not!’ ‘Yes, you are!’ ‘Envious jerk!’ ‘Jealous bitch!’ We probably sounded like little kids there, I have to admit. Stu just stared at me, astounded. Like, what the hell is going on, what bug bit you? Al is just trying to apologize. Yeah, right, and I was just trying to ask for directions. Your friend is a rare jerk, sorry to say. And then I hung up. Let them sort it out among themselves.
“What, nothing. Stu said that with my navigation skills I should stay home, that he should be the one visiting me, not the other way around. But he was very nice after that, you know, showed me around town, took me to a fancy restaurant. We had a good time. He is right - I will stay home and wait for him there. Hopefully, another six months or so…”
“He was planning to go to a party on Saturday night and offered to take me with him and introduce me to some friends of his. Well, the important part is that he offered to drive me there and suggested we take my car. He said it’s silly to take two cars, since parking may be tricky over there. I think he just wanted to give my new Lexus a test drive, but I was happy anyway - I hate driving in an unfamiliar city.
“You know me, I am a topographical idiot if ever there was one. Even when I drive myself, I always take wrong turns and confuse left with right. I even get lost in those cities where the letter-avenues are perpendicular to the number-streets. Funny, considering my professional success and the number of people working under me, how I can be so smart at marketing and management and so dumb at the wheel. And that’s when I am the one driving; when I am driven somewhere I just relax and look at the trees and buildings outside the window, not even attempting to orient myself. I am telling you, if I am ever kidnapped, the last things kidnappers would need is to put a blindfold over my eyes. I would never know in which direction we are driving after the second turn. I would not be able to go to the same place again to save my life.
“I have no idea where we were, but I liked the party. Fun crowd, nice music, decent food. The host, Al, was cute, he kept flirting with me, but I’ve arrived with Stu, it didn’t feel right… After an hour or so, this young redhead arrived. You know the type - endless legs, a mane that would honor a circus lion, and mile-long purple nails. But Stu really dug her. He sweet-talked to her all evening, danced with her, kept wispering things in her ear and pressing against her… Stu can get almost any girl he wants, even if she is young enough to be his daughter. Well, some time around midnight he approaches me, looking slightly embarrassed, and asks whether I wouldn’t mind if he goes to Jennie’s place. I could drive back to his house alone, couldn’t I? He would give me the keys. I looked at him and knew right away that I better tell him that I would make it back just fine, no problem. And give him a smile. And wish him a wonderful evening, ehm, night. He always says he appreciates me for this, for being his good buddy first and foremost, for being someone he doesn’t have to play games with.
What are you talking about? I am not complaining! I am only lamenting the fact that I was suddenly alone in a totally unfamiliar neighborhood. But that’s a minor problem - I can always ask the host for directions.
“After they left, I didn’t want to stay there any longer - I didn’t know anyone at the party. So, I approach Al and ask him how to get out of the neighborhood. Once on a highway, I could find my way, I still had the MapQuest printout of directions to Stu’s house, and I made the trip once before when I got there in the first place. It was just a matter of finding my way to a highway, since Al’s house wasn’t anywhere close to one. It turned out, Al had no idea that Stu had left with the redhead; apparently, Stu only told me that he was leaving. So, Al stares at me, surprised, and asks, ‘Where is your friend?’ Where, shmere, he left with that lion-mane with purple nails! He gives me this sneering, sly look, ‘Are you jealous?’ Naturally, I was insulted. Jealousy my arse, that’s not the type of relationship we have, we only see each other a couple of times a year; in fact, I am very happy for him, he is no spring chicken anymore, yet these young girls still find him quite attractive, so, good for him. One can’t be jealous of Stu, it’s like…like… being jealous of an eagle in the sky, it’s silly, really. We’ve been seeing each other for a few years now, women in his life come and go, and only I remain, precisely because I don’t concern myself with such silliness. Just tell me how to get out of here. Oh, but he was stubborn: ‘If you don’t admit that you are jealous, I am not giving you the directions.’ Imagine that! What an obnoxious jerk! I just turned around and left. I figured I could go to some gas station and ask them for directions.
“I am afraid to even tell you what happened next. I don’t want to recall the whole ordeal myself. It’s approximately a forty five minute drive from Al’s place to Stu’s, but it took me well over two hours, and that’s considering the empty streets. I ended up in some really bad, scary neighborhood, I was afraid to get out of the car and ask for directions, the roads were awful, the people were drunk or high, and here I am, in my mini-skirt, in that damn new Lexus. I kept circling around, ending up at the same place over and over again. By 1 am I was so exhausted that I didn’t even care about my safety anymore and got out of the car at the first gas station. What do you know, there was a very nice, polite young man there who gave me the detailed directions. But I am a topographic idiot, you know, I got lost again anyway, couldn’t get to that blasted highway for another while. When I got to the Stu’s house it was 3 am. Then I couldn’t open his door. It’s pitch dark, and I don’t have a lighter - you know I don’t smoke. I just kept poking the lock and not getting anywhere with it. I was getting really cold - I was dressed for a party, I counted on quickly jumping in and out of the car, and it was October… At some point I just sat down on the porch and started crying - wailing, really. I don’t know how long I cried, but then I got up, pushed the key into the lock, and kicked that door with such fury that it opened. Turned out, the lock was OK all along, it’s just that the door is tight, I needed to push harder. I am telling you, I am such an idiot sometimes.
“I took a hot shower, drank some tea and went to bed. Stu came back some time in the late afternoon - a satisfied, happy cat. He asked me how I got back. I was still livid at Al, so I told Stu everything. Stu got mad, called Al and yelled at him; I don’t know what he said, I went to another room. But at some point Stu asked me to take the phone - Al was going to apologize. Guess what I told Al? I said, ‘I’ll forgive you if you admit that you are envious of Stu.’ Naturally, he starts denying it, but I wouldn’t let this one go. He became furious, started shouting, ‘ENVIOUS? How stupid is that? It’s you who are jealous, but hiding it!’. ‘I am not jealous, but you are envious!’ I scream back. ‘Am not!’ ‘Yes, you are!’ ‘Envious jerk!’ ‘Jealous bitch!’ We probably sounded like little kids there, I have to admit. Stu just stared at me, astounded. Like, what the hell is going on, what bug bit you? Al is just trying to apologize. Yeah, right, and I was just trying to ask for directions. Your friend is a rare jerk, sorry to say. And then I hung up. Let them sort it out among themselves.
“What, nothing. Stu said that with my navigation skills I should stay home, that he should be the one visiting me, not the other way around. But he was very nice after that, you know, showed me around town, took me to a fancy restaurant. We had a good time. He is right - I will stay home and wait for him there. Hopefully, another six months or so…”