all the shit thats hit the fan....
The last month or two has completely sucked on all fronts. ALL FRONTS.
On the child front, Scrumpies preschool shut down, mainly due to budget cuts and I have had to enroll him in a preschool that is 20 miles away and run by a micro managing control freak. Oddly, he seems to like it and he has made freinds so the issues seem to be exclusively mine. Then Griffins teacher was fired out of the blue because some drama queen bitch threw a fit that her children had to adhere to the school dresscode rules. The whole thing is a convoluted political nightmare and long story short I volunteered to head some fucking committee to look into how our school is governed. Like I need more shit to do.
Financially I am drowning. The horses are getting thin because I cant afford hay. My food stamp paperwork has not gone through yet. I cant afford my medical insurance anymore. Im 2 months behind on the utilities. They shut off the TV (actually thats a good thing) I need to get my car looked at but I am afraid to- just waiting for it to die completely because I cant afford to fix it anyway- hell I cant even afford to get the oil changed. Im depressed and avoidant and the worst part is I feel desperately guilty about it because steve is feeling anxiety since he has taken on my disasterous life. Hes the only thing holding me together right now. Hes freaked out about this money crisis- his job is circling the drain too- but everytime I am near to tears or suicide he says something brilliant like: at least we have each other. For fuck sake. It makes me feel both good and worse. On the one hand he took on this stupid crazy woman with 3 kids, 12 horses and gawd knows what other menagerie who has no job and poor prospects for ever getting a decent wage (especially in this economy) huge bills and an ex-husband thats a total piece of shite....on the other hand he loves me and despite the fact that his life was more or less financially solvent before we got together it was emotionally void and he has the heart to respect emotional well being over the financial crap. I have always said money comes and goes and has no real value....but right now with it all falling apart it feels like quicksand. If it were just me- I wouldnt care. But there are 6 other humans and a zillion animals to worry about.
On the animal front it all sucks too. Wolfgang turned into a serial killer. In the last week he killed 2 cats one of which was my parents cat that they had for 17 years and my mothers only pet and comfort. All told he probably killed 7 cats over the years as all the dead cats I have found I blamed on the coyotes (but now that I caught the bastard red handed I realize the coyotes would have eaten the cats) So Wolfgang got sent to the SPCA on saturday with explicit instructions that he was a great dog but under no circumstances should be trusted around cats. I miss the dumbfuck. Everybody misses him. Its a shock everymorning to make my cup of tea in an empty kitchen without him. No jingling tags, no enthusiastic greeting, no unconditional love. My dads dog, Stella! misses him, she comes down in the morning forlorn looking and wondering where her buddy is. My parents both miss him even though they both said he had to go after their poor Fuzzbucket got chewed to shit. Griffin dug out pictures of him and tacked them on his wall with Wolfies collar and a picture he drew saying we will miss you. I check the SPCA website everyday to see if hes been adopted yet. The kids want to get another dog, my dad is even pressuring me to immediately get another dog. Shit its been 4 days. The truth is- I am terrified to get another dog. The best dog I ever had was Betelgeuse. I had him for 16 years or so. Found him on the highway as a pup. When he died- of old age- my dog karma went south. Bella, Izzyboo, and Angus all hit by cars 100 yards from the house on a tiny private road with maybe 10 cars a day in traffic. Cinderpatch- dissappeared after a thunderstorm and never saw her again. Luke killed chickens. Magpie hated men and attacked them for no reason. And now Wolfgang is the Jeffery Dahmer of the dog world. Thats 7 dogs in maybe 3-4 years. I desperately miss having a dog...but I think I shouldnt have one. Im obviously a terrible dog-mom.
I wrote that a week ago and never finished it. So much shit happened in the last week I cant believe it. On tuesday I totaled my car. TOTALED IT. fucking deer sent me down a 30 foot cliff when I swerved to avoid hitting the stupid thing. nearly rolled but was saved by a tree. as it was I ended up with the car on its side and it took all my strength to get out of it and scramble up the scree to the road. I am awaiting the insurance adjuster. Thank dawg I payed my car insurance. The next day I took betty into seaside to interview with the foodstamp people and she blew her radiator to smithereens. I managed to get her to my dads mechanic and I got a ride home with ex-husband. Fucking delightful. My dad covered the $1300 bill which I will pay him back if the insurance decides to junk my car. So when the car was being towed up the cliff on wednesday morning a local restaurant purveyor I know drove by, stopped and said "holy shit!" The next day I wrote him and told him my awful tale of misery and destitution and I now have something of a job. Im filling in at his catering business as a server. Tonight was my second night on the job. The first night was saturday and boy was I ever FREAKED OUT. Im not a public person. which means: I dont work well with the public and hoped I would never have to. But beggars cant be chosers so here I am. I kept my mouth shut and I listened, watched and shut my misanthropic self up in a box. The first night I think I did quite well. Jezuss I had the hostess of the party coming to me every five minutes with urgent requests like I was some kind of fucking profesional. And I pulled profesional out of my ass from Dawg knows where. I looked profesional.And I just fucking went with it. Tonight was my second night. Big ass party for Naval Postgraduate School. 10 Admirals and apparently Secretary of Defence Gates was supposed to show. He sent his regards. But I think I rocked it. SERIOUSLY.
So now I have a wedding on saturday. The only thing that sucks is that I wont be seeing steve as much on the weekends. He babysat last saturday and he loves my kids. But he said something funny,I work my ass off with no pay- working for money is a virtue, hes gonna turn me into a jew yet. The other thing that sucks is Im doing the barn chores at 11pm.
Oh and cowpie had her calf!!!! I spent the last 2 weeks checking her every 2-3 hours around the clock. and she had her sweet baby on friday. She is a great mom. The best. I am as nervous as she is. She loves her little son. he looks just like Bullzeye. It was so wonderful to get there right when he was born and rub him down with towels- it was 10pm on a cold friday night.She loves him. Martin/Martina (now called auntie M) loves him. I hate to say so, but if I can make enough money at this job I hope I never have to slaughter either Auntie M or Bullwinkle - though I plan on getting him castrated soon so I dont end up with another damn bull. Somehow at this point they are a family unit. it seems so cruel to think of them as food. I am a lousy farmer.
On the child front, Scrumpies preschool shut down, mainly due to budget cuts and I have had to enroll him in a preschool that is 20 miles away and run by a micro managing control freak. Oddly, he seems to like it and he has made freinds so the issues seem to be exclusively mine. Then Griffins teacher was fired out of the blue because some drama queen bitch threw a fit that her children had to adhere to the school dresscode rules. The whole thing is a convoluted political nightmare and long story short I volunteered to head some fucking committee to look into how our school is governed. Like I need more shit to do.
Financially I am drowning. The horses are getting thin because I cant afford hay. My food stamp paperwork has not gone through yet. I cant afford my medical insurance anymore. Im 2 months behind on the utilities. They shut off the TV (actually thats a good thing) I need to get my car looked at but I am afraid to- just waiting for it to die completely because I cant afford to fix it anyway- hell I cant even afford to get the oil changed. Im depressed and avoidant and the worst part is I feel desperately guilty about it because steve is feeling anxiety since he has taken on my disasterous life. Hes the only thing holding me together right now. Hes freaked out about this money crisis- his job is circling the drain too- but everytime I am near to tears or suicide he says something brilliant like: at least we have each other. For fuck sake. It makes me feel both good and worse. On the one hand he took on this stupid crazy woman with 3 kids, 12 horses and gawd knows what other menagerie who has no job and poor prospects for ever getting a decent wage (especially in this economy) huge bills and an ex-husband thats a total piece of shite....on the other hand he loves me and despite the fact that his life was more or less financially solvent before we got together it was emotionally void and he has the heart to respect emotional well being over the financial crap. I have always said money comes and goes and has no real value....but right now with it all falling apart it feels like quicksand. If it were just me- I wouldnt care. But there are 6 other humans and a zillion animals to worry about.
On the animal front it all sucks too. Wolfgang turned into a serial killer. In the last week he killed 2 cats one of which was my parents cat that they had for 17 years and my mothers only pet and comfort. All told he probably killed 7 cats over the years as all the dead cats I have found I blamed on the coyotes (but now that I caught the bastard red handed I realize the coyotes would have eaten the cats) So Wolfgang got sent to the SPCA on saturday with explicit instructions that he was a great dog but under no circumstances should be trusted around cats. I miss the dumbfuck. Everybody misses him. Its a shock everymorning to make my cup of tea in an empty kitchen without him. No jingling tags, no enthusiastic greeting, no unconditional love. My dads dog, Stella! misses him, she comes down in the morning forlorn looking and wondering where her buddy is. My parents both miss him even though they both said he had to go after their poor Fuzzbucket got chewed to shit. Griffin dug out pictures of him and tacked them on his wall with Wolfies collar and a picture he drew saying we will miss you. I check the SPCA website everyday to see if hes been adopted yet. The kids want to get another dog, my dad is even pressuring me to immediately get another dog. Shit its been 4 days. The truth is- I am terrified to get another dog. The best dog I ever had was Betelgeuse. I had him for 16 years or so. Found him on the highway as a pup. When he died- of old age- my dog karma went south. Bella, Izzyboo, and Angus all hit by cars 100 yards from the house on a tiny private road with maybe 10 cars a day in traffic. Cinderpatch- dissappeared after a thunderstorm and never saw her again. Luke killed chickens. Magpie hated men and attacked them for no reason. And now Wolfgang is the Jeffery Dahmer of the dog world. Thats 7 dogs in maybe 3-4 years. I desperately miss having a dog...but I think I shouldnt have one. Im obviously a terrible dog-mom.
I wrote that a week ago and never finished it. So much shit happened in the last week I cant believe it. On tuesday I totaled my car. TOTALED IT. fucking deer sent me down a 30 foot cliff when I swerved to avoid hitting the stupid thing. nearly rolled but was saved by a tree. as it was I ended up with the car on its side and it took all my strength to get out of it and scramble up the scree to the road. I am awaiting the insurance adjuster. Thank dawg I payed my car insurance. The next day I took betty into seaside to interview with the foodstamp people and she blew her radiator to smithereens. I managed to get her to my dads mechanic and I got a ride home with ex-husband. Fucking delightful. My dad covered the $1300 bill which I will pay him back if the insurance decides to junk my car. So when the car was being towed up the cliff on wednesday morning a local restaurant purveyor I know drove by, stopped and said "holy shit!" The next day I wrote him and told him my awful tale of misery and destitution and I now have something of a job. Im filling in at his catering business as a server. Tonight was my second night on the job. The first night was saturday and boy was I ever FREAKED OUT. Im not a public person. which means: I dont work well with the public and hoped I would never have to. But beggars cant be chosers so here I am. I kept my mouth shut and I listened, watched and shut my misanthropic self up in a box. The first night I think I did quite well. Jezuss I had the hostess of the party coming to me every five minutes with urgent requests like I was some kind of fucking profesional. And I pulled profesional out of my ass from Dawg knows where. I looked profesional.And I just fucking went with it. Tonight was my second night. Big ass party for Naval Postgraduate School. 10 Admirals and apparently Secretary of Defence Gates was supposed to show. He sent his regards. But I think I rocked it. SERIOUSLY.
So now I have a wedding on saturday. The only thing that sucks is that I wont be seeing steve as much on the weekends. He babysat last saturday and he loves my kids. But he said something funny,I work my ass off with no pay- working for money is a virtue, hes gonna turn me into a jew yet. The other thing that sucks is Im doing the barn chores at 11pm.
Oh and cowpie had her calf!!!! I spent the last 2 weeks checking her every 2-3 hours around the clock. and she had her sweet baby on friday. She is a great mom. The best. I am as nervous as she is. She loves her little son. he looks just like Bullzeye. It was so wonderful to get there right when he was born and rub him down with towels- it was 10pm on a cold friday night.She loves him. Martin/Martina (now called auntie M) loves him. I hate to say so, but if I can make enough money at this job I hope I never have to slaughter either Auntie M or Bullwinkle - though I plan on getting him castrated soon so I dont end up with another damn bull. Somehow at this point they are a family unit. it seems so cruel to think of them as food. I am a lousy farmer.