(no subject)
whenever i get stuck in this rut, i always turn to the same few old posts (the ones tagged with a particular tag). and that one letter. they give me a little bit of solace. a little bit of ability to breathe again.
have i said it before? that i hate doing this to myself. i really do. i'd rather not be affected by all this and just go about my daily life and my daily grind. and try to deal with my already existing insomnia problems and try to focus on my ailing work performance and concentrate on my other activities in life. and my family. and friends. i don't need all these troubles. i really don't.
but somehow i keep doing it to myself. or well, it keeps happening to me. (it might not be fair to attribute all that blame to myself i guess). and i am aware that it is a psychological rather than physiological reaction (trust me on this - plenty of experimentation). but how do i turn it off? how do i notice the connections but ignore them, how do i dim that corner of my mind that suddenly and inexplicably starts firing all these neurons and noticing things and interpreting signs action coincidences likes dislikes and whatnot.
let me assure you. i've had my fair share of mundane conversations. and i'm happy with them. its like a slow but obligatory dance. its all a ritual. but this, and the same others before it, is not. its like a sudden inexplicable danse macabre. foolish, foolish heart. just like that song.
its not going to be easy. and unlike the most recent past encounter (which i was badly affected as well, but i knew [and im not just saying this with hindsight or to comfort myself or whatnot] that it would never have worked). the present one is not likely to work as well. but that does not stop me from trying. and failing. and falling.
i hate this. i mean, i've observed that it does get easier each time. which was some strange inexplicable quote that she quoted as well, but shrugs, cant see it anymore. but life shouldnt be that way right. and if i wasnt myself now (after having survived a multitude of psychic assaults) - i think i'd be really quite devastated by this. things do proceed in some sort of bizarre eternal recurrence (yes i meant that in the nietzschean sense - i havent forgotten all that i have learnt) and im back to E. well that comparison isnt fair actually. i dont know. im rambling.
im tired. my heart is tired.
and its going to fail again. because everything changes, but nothing ever really does.
have i said it before? that i hate doing this to myself. i really do. i'd rather not be affected by all this and just go about my daily life and my daily grind. and try to deal with my already existing insomnia problems and try to focus on my ailing work performance and concentrate on my other activities in life. and my family. and friends. i don't need all these troubles. i really don't.
but somehow i keep doing it to myself. or well, it keeps happening to me. (it might not be fair to attribute all that blame to myself i guess). and i am aware that it is a psychological rather than physiological reaction (trust me on this - plenty of experimentation). but how do i turn it off? how do i notice the connections but ignore them, how do i dim that corner of my mind that suddenly and inexplicably starts firing all these neurons and noticing things and interpreting signs action coincidences likes dislikes and whatnot.
let me assure you. i've had my fair share of mundane conversations. and i'm happy with them. its like a slow but obligatory dance. its all a ritual. but this, and the same others before it, is not. its like a sudden inexplicable danse macabre. foolish, foolish heart. just like that song.
its not going to be easy. and unlike the most recent past encounter (which i was badly affected as well, but i knew [and im not just saying this with hindsight or to comfort myself or whatnot] that it would never have worked). the present one is not likely to work as well. but that does not stop me from trying. and failing. and falling.
i hate this. i mean, i've observed that it does get easier each time. which was some strange inexplicable quote that she quoted as well, but shrugs, cant see it anymore. but life shouldnt be that way right. and if i wasnt myself now (after having survived a multitude of psychic assaults) - i think i'd be really quite devastated by this. things do proceed in some sort of bizarre eternal recurrence (yes i meant that in the nietzschean sense - i havent forgotten all that i have learnt) and im back to E. well that comparison isnt fair actually. i dont know. im rambling.
im tired. my heart is tired.
and its going to fail again. because everything changes, but nothing ever really does.