A brief blurb about a few of the movies that came out this summer...
Because I don't have the time to write a proper review about all of them! *Cries*
The Expendables:
Director: Sylvester Stallone
My Rating: 3 Stars
Kick-ass stunts, bad-ass fight scenes, hard-core actors that we all know and love, and one okay cameo from one Mr. Schwarzenegger, do not a movie make. I'll give it a "cool to look at," but the movie was truly predictable. And the cameo? Stallone clearly wrote the scene just for a place to put Schwarzenegger; there was no other reason for it to be there. Same with Bruce Willis. The main draw of this movie was its muscle-packed crew, but not even half of them had main roles. Yes, the fights were good, and it was by no means boring, but it definitely did not do it for me.
Scot Pilgrim Vs. The World:
Director: Edgar Wright
My Rating: 4 ½ Stars
Well damn, was I surprised. I figured I'd enjoy it, but I LOVED it! I haven't read the comic books, but I'm thinking now that maybe I should. The movie was quirky, funny, and freaking awesome. It was fake, but it was trying to be fake - it was a real-life video game! Literally. The stunts were perfect, the acting was stupendous, and the writing, well, I'm certainly jealous. Also, it was set in Toronto! Lol.
Piranha:
Director: Alexandre Aja
My Rating: 3 Stars
So usually I'm good with the gore, and boobies are always a plus, add in a scene where a piranha eats a guys penis and this movie would have gotten 4 stars. For what it was (A horror-themed Jaws wannabe with a pornographic base) I would usually have given this movie 4 Stars. Chuck in Christopher Lloyd and I would have given it 4 and a half. But... for whatever reason I was just grossed out; I left the movie feeling like I could vomit if I tried. The gore was so realistic, so gratuitous... so... horrible. The one thing that lifted this movie back up for me was the humour--this is not a Jaws remake, it really is just a funny porno with a lot-a LOT-of gore tossed in. If you're great with a girl falling apart because piranha's ate out her spine, or a guy being pulled out of the water just so he can stare at the skeletal remains of his legs, or a girls face being ripped off because her hair was caught in a propeller, and can laugh at it, then this is a movie for you. Otherwise, stay away. Stay far away.
Inception:
Director: Christopher Nolan
My Rating: 5 Stars!
Let me start by saying Christopher Nolan can do no wrong. And let me follow that by gushing about every single one of the actors in this film--Gordon-Levitt, DeCaprio, Page, Hardy, Wantanabe, Rao, Caine, Murphy--and the rest, were all incredible. Finally, a movie that the audience has to think about; it doesn't require days of interpretation and multiple viewings (although seeing it a second time is reccomended), but there's enough in there to make your brain work a bit. Which was refreshing. The plot was engaging and fast, the settings were exotic and well-shot, and I've already gushed about the acting (Tom Hardy should be illegal. My god). Since this isn't a proper review, I shall stop before I write thirteen pages about everything that was stupendous about this film--go see it.
Despicable Me:
Directors: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud
My Rating: 4 ½ Stars
Hahahaha! Oh my god, "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!" can be put up beside "I'm on a horse." For best line of the year. Really. This movie was funny, and adorable, and just damn good. I saw it three times and plan to go again. The minions: priceless.
The Last Airbender:
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
My Rating: 1 Star
No I don't think my rating is harsh - Shyamalan is an idiot. The movie was bad even for non-fans. Just bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. I got to see it for free and I wanted my money back! The acting was bad. The writing was bad. The special effects were especially bad. It was as if Shyamalan took a look at the Wikipedia description of Avatar, and made the movie based off that.
Honourable mentions:
Toy Story 3 (4 Stars), Eclipse (3 Stars), Predators (2 Stars), Sorcerer's Apprentice (4 ½ Stars), SALT (4 Stars), Killers (2 ½ Stars), The A-Team (4 Stars), The Karate Kid (2 Stars), Knight and Day (4 Stars), Grown Ups (2 ½ Stars), Prince of Persia (4 Stars), Shrek 4 (3 Stars), Robin Hood (1 Star).
Rating Rubric:
1 Star: Oh my god dig my eyes out with red hot pokers now!
2 Star: Poor - poor quality, poor acting, poor story. It's sad that it was made in the first place.
3 Star: Decent. But I wouldn't go out of my way to see it again.
4 Star: Pretty good - good quality, good acting, good story - I'd recommend it.
5 Star: Fucking unbelievably good. Some serious thought and talent was put into this movie; not only will I be seeing it again - I'll buy it, I'll recommend it, and I'll probably have wet dreams about it.
The Expendables:
Director: Sylvester Stallone
My Rating: 3 Stars
Kick-ass stunts, bad-ass fight scenes, hard-core actors that we all know and love, and one okay cameo from one Mr. Schwarzenegger, do not a movie make. I'll give it a "cool to look at," but the movie was truly predictable. And the cameo? Stallone clearly wrote the scene just for a place to put Schwarzenegger; there was no other reason for it to be there. Same with Bruce Willis. The main draw of this movie was its muscle-packed crew, but not even half of them had main roles. Yes, the fights were good, and it was by no means boring, but it definitely did not do it for me.
Scot Pilgrim Vs. The World:
Director: Edgar Wright
My Rating: 4 ½ Stars
Well damn, was I surprised. I figured I'd enjoy it, but I LOVED it! I haven't read the comic books, but I'm thinking now that maybe I should. The movie was quirky, funny, and freaking awesome. It was fake, but it was trying to be fake - it was a real-life video game! Literally. The stunts were perfect, the acting was stupendous, and the writing, well, I'm certainly jealous. Also, it was set in Toronto! Lol.
Piranha:
Director: Alexandre Aja
My Rating: 3 Stars
So usually I'm good with the gore, and boobies are always a plus, add in a scene where a piranha eats a guys penis and this movie would have gotten 4 stars. For what it was (A horror-themed Jaws wannabe with a pornographic base) I would usually have given this movie 4 Stars. Chuck in Christopher Lloyd and I would have given it 4 and a half. But... for whatever reason I was just grossed out; I left the movie feeling like I could vomit if I tried. The gore was so realistic, so gratuitous... so... horrible. The one thing that lifted this movie back up for me was the humour--this is not a Jaws remake, it really is just a funny porno with a lot-a LOT-of gore tossed in. If you're great with a girl falling apart because piranha's ate out her spine, or a guy being pulled out of the water just so he can stare at the skeletal remains of his legs, or a girls face being ripped off because her hair was caught in a propeller, and can laugh at it, then this is a movie for you. Otherwise, stay away. Stay far away.
Inception:
Director: Christopher Nolan
My Rating: 5 Stars!
Let me start by saying Christopher Nolan can do no wrong. And let me follow that by gushing about every single one of the actors in this film--Gordon-Levitt, DeCaprio, Page, Hardy, Wantanabe, Rao, Caine, Murphy--and the rest, were all incredible. Finally, a movie that the audience has to think about; it doesn't require days of interpretation and multiple viewings (although seeing it a second time is reccomended), but there's enough in there to make your brain work a bit. Which was refreshing. The plot was engaging and fast, the settings were exotic and well-shot, and I've already gushed about the acting (Tom Hardy should be illegal. My god). Since this isn't a proper review, I shall stop before I write thirteen pages about everything that was stupendous about this film--go see it.
Despicable Me:
Directors: Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud
My Rating: 4 ½ Stars
Hahahaha! Oh my god, "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!" can be put up beside "I'm on a horse." For best line of the year. Really. This movie was funny, and adorable, and just damn good. I saw it three times and plan to go again. The minions: priceless.
The Last Airbender:
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
My Rating: 1 Star
No I don't think my rating is harsh - Shyamalan is an idiot. The movie was bad even for non-fans. Just bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. I got to see it for free and I wanted my money back! The acting was bad. The writing was bad. The special effects were especially bad. It was as if Shyamalan took a look at the Wikipedia description of Avatar, and made the movie based off that.
Honourable mentions:
Toy Story 3 (4 Stars), Eclipse (3 Stars), Predators (2 Stars), Sorcerer's Apprentice (4 ½ Stars), SALT (4 Stars), Killers (2 ½ Stars), The A-Team (4 Stars), The Karate Kid (2 Stars), Knight and Day (4 Stars), Grown Ups (2 ½ Stars), Prince of Persia (4 Stars), Shrek 4 (3 Stars), Robin Hood (1 Star).
Rating Rubric:
1 Star: Oh my god dig my eyes out with red hot pokers now!
2 Star: Poor - poor quality, poor acting, poor story. It's sad that it was made in the first place.
3 Star: Decent. But I wouldn't go out of my way to see it again.
4 Star: Pretty good - good quality, good acting, good story - I'd recommend it.
5 Star: Fucking unbelievably good. Some serious thought and talent was put into this movie; not only will I be seeing it again - I'll buy it, I'll recommend it, and I'll probably have wet dreams about it.