Leaving college behind...
I've been busy as all get out lately, what with the two jobs and the end of college and all.
It's so surreal. I'm done with college (almost; I have two finals left). I'm all done. That's it. The end. I'm taking one night course in computers to fill a requirement...but I don't count it. I'm done. It's a weird feeling.
I'm so completely different a person now than I was four years ago...actually, that's not accurate. I'm more myself now than I had the courage to be four years ago. I'm hardly recognizable. I once hid from the world. I was unknowable; I wouldn't let anyone in. I was a nervous wreck with no ability to free myself; to address the world at large.
I am so different now. I'm open. I'm alive. I'm not afraid.
I used to hate this place; this city; this school. I feel none of that now. I may feel cheated in the classroom, but remaining here has taught me far more than I could ever have learned by leaving. You don't live life by running from things that hurt you or are difficult. You live by enduring. You live by fighting. You live by facing down everything that ever scared you, and realizing that you're more than equal to it. You live by refusing to be beaten.
I could have let my rejection from the BFA degree back two years ago beat me. It very nearly did. I could have given up then; turned my back on the theater and found some other way. But there was something in me that knew deep down that there never was and never would be any other way. It would NOT give up and die and I am so thankful for that denial just because I would never have realized how badly I want to act without it.
I am no longer afraid. I am alive. I am an actress.
Nina from The Seagull says it best:
"I believe, and when I think of my calling, I do not fear life."
It's so surreal. I'm done with college (almost; I have two finals left). I'm all done. That's it. The end. I'm taking one night course in computers to fill a requirement...but I don't count it. I'm done. It's a weird feeling.
I'm so completely different a person now than I was four years ago...actually, that's not accurate. I'm more myself now than I had the courage to be four years ago. I'm hardly recognizable. I once hid from the world. I was unknowable; I wouldn't let anyone in. I was a nervous wreck with no ability to free myself; to address the world at large.
I am so different now. I'm open. I'm alive. I'm not afraid.
I used to hate this place; this city; this school. I feel none of that now. I may feel cheated in the classroom, but remaining here has taught me far more than I could ever have learned by leaving. You don't live life by running from things that hurt you or are difficult. You live by enduring. You live by fighting. You live by facing down everything that ever scared you, and realizing that you're more than equal to it. You live by refusing to be beaten.
I could have let my rejection from the BFA degree back two years ago beat me. It very nearly did. I could have given up then; turned my back on the theater and found some other way. But there was something in me that knew deep down that there never was and never would be any other way. It would NOT give up and die and I am so thankful for that denial just because I would never have realized how badly I want to act without it.
I am no longer afraid. I am alive. I am an actress.
Nina from The Seagull says it best:
"I believe, and when I think of my calling, I do not fear life."