Daisuki da yo (I love you)
Title: Daisuki da yo (I love you)
Rating: R
Pairing: 2Min
Warning: Character death
Summary: Minho and Taemin's perfect life is cut short when a cancerous tumor takes their love away. On the year anniversary of the death, feelings are still raw.
poster provided by tieuquyhoa @ wordpress
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inspired by this video: Daisuki da yo by Ai Otsuka
~~~
“Happy Birthday Taeminnie.” Minho had everything set so perfectly. The special little cake he ordered was vanilla with slices of banana in the middle and eighteen cute swirly candles brightened the purposely dark room.
“Hyung, this is so nice!” Taemin hid shyly behind his dainty wrist as he smiled ear to ear. “Yah, but don’t record this!” He laughed uncontrollably, too happy to stop him.
“Aniyo, you look cute!” Minho held the small camera and moved to sit beside him. “Now blow out your candles so we can eat.” He held out the camera in front of them and kissed Taemin on the cheek, whispering against his ear for only him to hear. The camera’s mic couldn’t pick it up, but Taemin remembered: “I love you so much. Forever and ever.”
He had to pause the video, fresh tears coming up. The image of Minho close to him and the smile spread across his face were such happy memories but they slowly killed him each time he watched the video. “Damnit…” He let out a shaky breath and tried to calm his heart before it got worse; the hardest part to watch was coming up. Why did he subject himself to this pain? Pressing play again, he wrapped the blankets tighter around himself.
Taemin blew out the candles and the screen went black. “Yah! Turn on the lights!” He laughed.
“Oh right.” Minho placed the camera down and stumbled around the room to find the light switch. “Ta-da!” They laughed when the lights came on and Minho sat back down next to his love. “Want your present now?”
“Hmm, okay~” Taemin giggled. “Should I close my eyes?”
“Sure.” Minho smiled. Quietly he picked up the camera and brought it closer to their faces. His hand gently caressed Taemin’s face and he kissed him slowly, passionately. The camera’s mic caught every little moan they made, every slide of their tongues against the other’s, and every breath.
“Minho,” Taemin whispered. “Are you recording this?”
“Yeah…” He replied as his free hand moved to Taemin’s inner thigh. “Taemin-ah, let’s make love.”
He blushed and shivered. His birthday present was going to be their first time. “And record it?”
“Why not?” Minho smirked. “It’ll be for us only. I want to remember it forever.”
Taemin paused the video again. He couldn’t watch anymore of it tonight. Why did Minho have to say ‘forever’ so much? Well it’s not like he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise… He sighed and closed his laptop, done with the beautiful yet painful memories for the night.
He knew he’d have nightmares now.
~*~
Taemin brought him a class of cold water and two pain pills. “It’s so unlike you to have a headache, hyung…”
“Ne,” Minho took the medicine and downed it quickly; he was sure he was having a migraine because his head felt like splitting open any second. “It was a long day, though. Maybe I’m just stressed.”
Taemin sat on the couch and pat his lap to offer it as a place for Minho rest his head. “Poor hyung, come rest. It should feel better soon.”
“Mmm,” Minho laid down and covered his eyes with the blanket, needing complete darkness to nurse his aching head.
“Hyung, is your head still hurting?” Days later, Taemin saw Minho rubbing his temples and sat closer. “You should see a doctor, I’m worried…”
“Aniyo, it’s nothing serious.” Minho assured him. “I just need to take it easy, that’s it.”
As months passed by, the pain kept coming back. Weekly at first, then a couple times a week, and eventually daily, Minho suffered from migraines that progressively became more and more painful. He was even beginning to miss days of work because of it.
“I’m not letting this go anymore. We’re seeing Dr. Park tomorrow.” Taemin had made the appointment, not taking ‘no’ for an answer.
But no one could have ever prepared them to hear the words like ‘tumor’ or ‘cancerous’ or ‘fatal.’ And that is exactly what Minho’s prognosis was.
They sat in silence, listening to the doctors as they explained the best course of treatment they could try. At best, it would only slow the growth of the tumor in his brain. They could try radiation treatment which would be extensive and painful to go through. Or they could try experimental injections into the tumor which could shrink it for a short amount of time.
They never held onto each other’s hands tighter than in that desperate moment.
“So, how long will I live?” Minho bravely asked the question they were both dreading, holding Taemin in his arms as he cried.
“At the most, another year.” Dr. Park spoke solemnly, trying to be gentle. “In my opinion as a person, not as a doctor, I suggest you go and do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. The treatments wouldn’t do much and would only be painful.” He reached out and held Minho’s shoulder. “Go and enjoy your life. See the world.”
“Thank you for your support and honesty, Seonsaengnim…”
It took a few days for Taemin to get over the initial shock. He cried nonstop, clinging onto his hyung. Minho though, surprisingly, had accepted it rather quickly. He didn’t want to waste a single day and prioritized everything in his life. First, he would sign over his apartment, possessions, and bank accounts to Taemin. If he couldn’t physically be around to support him, at least those few things could help somewhat. He informed his employer and promptly quit so he could spend the rest of his days happy.
“Baby, please don’t cry.” Minho rocked Taemin gently in his arms, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “We have so many days ahead of us, let’s not waste them in sorrow.”
“I want to get married.” Taemin blurted out between sobs. “Let’s get married.”
“Taemin-ah…” Minho brushed back his hair and looked into his eyes. “That’s not fair to you. What if you find someone else and want to mar−”
“I won’t.” He swallowed. “No one will ever replace you. No one. Ever.” He was angry, so angry at the world for allowing this to happen. “I want to be yours forever. The way we were supposed to be.”
Minho finally let go of his strength and cried. “Taemin-ah, my precious Taemin-ah… I’m sorry.”
“Pabo,” Taemin held him tighter. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Will you take my name?” Minho asked, unsure of whether he would or not.
“Yes. I want to be Choi Taemin for the rest of my life.”
The year passed by quickly. They went to parts of Europe, America, and Japan as a married couple. The trips were surreal and they vowed to smile to each other the entire time. No tears were allowed, not even one. They took countless photos together, all of them with happy smiles.
After about seven months, Minho became very obviously weaker. He never made a scene about it or acknowledged it, but they both knew. Taemin helped him walk, forcing that smile he promised.
When they returned to Seoul, it was because Minho no longer had the energy to travel. The two agreed he should be admitted to a hospital where he could get the proper treatment to at least remain pain-free for the remainder of his days, however long they were.
“Baby, you’re so beautiful.” Minho complimented Taemin every day.
“So are you.” Taemin cuddled with him in his hospital bed, rubbing his shoulder. “You’re the most perfect man in the world.”
“I love you with all of my heart. I will forever.” Minho turned to look him in the eyes, his breathing shallow. “My love for you is timeless, lasting eternally.”
“Minho, why are you saying this?” Taemin asked, worried. “You know I feel the same, right?” He held onto Minho’s hand tightly. “I love you more than I can ever say!” He was getting a little frantic.
“I know baby, I know.” Minho smiled and blinked slowly. “Please be strong for me, I don’t want you to cry.”
“Minho, don’t say this! You’re scaring me!” Taemin’s eyes were welling up quickly and he started kissing each of Minho’s fingers. “Don’t go, don’t go!”
“Taemin,” Minho touched his lover’s cheek, brushing away the tears. “Don’t be scared, I’ll always be right here.” His hand slid down to Taemin’s chest, right above his heart. “I’ll watch over you. If it’s a sunny day, you’ll know it’s me, okay? And if the stars are out, I’ll be playing among them.”
“Hyung!” Taemin whimpered, dropping his head to Minho’s chest.
“I love you, never forget.” Minho smiled and closed his eyes for the last time.
“No, hyung! No! I won’t forget!” Taemin clenched his teeth and looked up. “Hyung? Hyung!?” He knew in a second that he was gone and started shaking, not knowing what to do. He laid beside him and pulled the blankets over them. “I love you too…”
He completely tuned out everything and everyone around him as he rested against his love, lost in the reality of it.
Dr. Park came over to remove the IV drips and monitors, but Taemin stopped him. “Seonsaengnim,” He begged him. “I’m not ready…”
“Taemin-sshi…”
“Just a little longer…” He closed his eyes. “I want to keep him warm.”
~*~
He woke up sweating, fresh tears staining his pillow. That same dream again, the one that brought back the past three years… It haunted him, really. He wanted to run away from it and pretend it never happened, but that wouldn’t be fair to Minho. He had to honor his dead husband and pretending he never existed was just terrible.
3:42 a.m. Yeah, it was a typical time for him to wake up. He didn’t have a consistent sleep schedule anymore. For the moment he was just living off of savings funds and life insurance money because he couldn’t manage to leave the house for anything other than to visit Minho’s grave. You could say he was depressed, and he probably could use some medication to help him get out of his rut, but he didn’t really want to. The public didn’t need to see his raccoon eyes or his hair that hadn’t been cut or dyed for months.
And then he remembered the date, October 21st; the anniversary of Minho’s death. “So it’s been a whole year, huh?” He could just imagine what Minho would say if he saw him now; ‘Aish, you need some sleep. Why aren’t you eating? That’s not the Taemin I knew.’
“I’ve let you down, hyung.” He flicked on the lamp and sighed, knowing he wouldn’t fall back asleep. Shortly after Minho’s death, Taemin did go into therapy. Although it was short lived, he remembered a few things from it. Whenever he was feeling particularly awful, he should write memories down and remember how pleasant they were. Even if they made him cry, he still managed to smile for at least a second.
Sitting at his small desk, he took out the best paper he had and started to write.
~*~
My dearest Minho,
It’s been a year. Can you believe it?
It feels so much longer.
But geez, I miss you. I miss the simplest things about you. Like your hands, they were so warm and strong. Whenever I had a bad day you would hug me and your hands rubbed my back so lovingly, soothing the pain away. You were really amazing like that.
I’m so selfish when I reminisce about you because I want to keep you to myself. Sometimes I don’t want to remember you because, you know, it’s kind of embarrassing smiling to myself. People might think I’m crazy or something. Ha.
I remember everything about you, I think. Like the times you would come home late from work and I was already sleeping, you’d cuddle into bed and take me into your arms. I knew it because I felt it in my dreams. Did you ever know that? You probably did, you were always so clever.
Do you remember the first time we went out alone together? I was sixteen and you were eighteen. I was riding on the back of your bike, holding onto you for dear life because I was so scared that I would fall off. After I saw how skilled you were, I wasn’t afraid anymore, but I kept holding on because I thought you felt really soft and smelled good. Haha, finally I’m confessing!
I really miss you, hyung. I torture myself nearly every day looking over our photos on our special trips that last year and watching videos we made when we were bored. It makes me feel so hopeless… I know it’s silly to think like that and I try to remember to smile, but hearing your voice again just makes me want you back here on earth.
You left behind so many wonderful things, things that are immeasurable and priceless. Thank you for showing me love, for showing me what it means to be in love. It’s the most wonderful feeling I’ve ever experienced and I’m so glad to have had it with you.
This letter makes me sound so happy, doesn’t it? The truth is, I’m having a really hard time without you. Even after a year I haven’t been able to stop crying.
There have been countless times where my body stops moving, just on its own, and feels you. I can almost feel your embrace again and smell you again. Just when I think I’ve totally remembered the exact sensations, they disappear. Ah, life is really cruel sometimes.
I often look to the stars at night, hoping to see you. I know it’s silly, but I remember what you said. “If the stars are out, I’ll be playing among them.”
I still wear my ring every day. I’ll never take it off. Like I said, I want to be Choi Taemin forever. I belong to you in this life, the next, and the one after that too.
Why was life so cruel to us? What did we ever do to deserve such a terrible fate? All we ever did was love each other yet we were forced to be torn apart. Aish, sorry for the tear droplets on the paper… It’s messing up the ink.
Anyway, I’m continuing on as strongly as I can. Maybe this will get easier in the future, maybe it won’t. Either way, I’ll try to smile for you. I’ll find something once a day to smile about just for you.
I’m leaving this on your stone today. Honestly I think you have the nicest stone in the whole yard! I come almost every day, you know. I light incense for you and clean the area really nicely. It’s the least I can do… And on your birthday, I bring your favorite snacks and share them with you. You can see me right?
I miss you so much hyung. I miss you, I miss you.
I’ll write you again sometime, okay? I hope you’re not lonely.
Love forever, Taeminnie
~*~
He folded the note into a special red envelope and sealed it tightly.
As soon as the sun rose, he slipped on a coat and made his way over to the graveyard. Minho’s ashes were placed below ground of course, per the national tradition, and the monument with his name elegantly scrolled into it signified its place.
Taemin kept the area around it immaculate. Not one blade of grass was ever out of place. Today was no exception. He placed the handwritten note at the base and lit the incense, kneeling down gently to pray.
He found himself smiling when a ray of sunshine specifically shone down on him. “Is that you, Minho-hyung?” He laughed at himself, thinking it couldn’t possibly be.
He left after a few long moments and headed back home, determined to be a little stronger now.
~*~
The next day he returned to the grave stone, as per the usual, to find the letter missing. He looked left and right, wondering if it had blown, but saw no sign of it. “Hmm…” He kneeled down anyway, picking out the little weeds in the soil.
A bright object caught his attention suddenly from the corner of his eye. Had it just fallen from somewhere? He looked up first, seeing no one standing there and no tree which could drop something from its branch.
When he looked back down and saw the item which had fallen, he froze; a single white rose rested beside him, seemingly freshly cut. His favorite flower… the one Minho gave to him on their first date.
He started to shake.
“Wha…” He picked the rose up slowly, examining it closely. He wasn’t going insane, was he? He checked again; no one was around, no one. And he was sure that it had just fallen. It definitely wasn’t there when he first arrived. “This can’t be possible…” He looked up to the sky, staring beyond the vast blueness to find an answer.
“Minho…” He spoke nervously and felt an unmistakable warmth surround him, an unmistakable comfort that he’d missed for so long. “Baby, that’s you, isn’t it?” He closed his eyes and smiled, a genuine smile for the first time in that long year. “You got my letter, then.” He looked down at the pure white rose. “Thank you for this, I really needed it.” The closure was what he was craving all this time and he finally got it. He felt that warmth gradually leave him but kept smiling. “I love you so much.”
Things would definitely be a little easier from now on.