(no subject)
again.
drama-less.
and the last time before he moves to san fran or wherever the hell he's going.
i read him some mark doty.
we ordered chinese food and hung out with punk.
and he asked me about me and we spent the whole night talking about me and my friends and my family and my life and hopes and failures and hurts and happinesses.
he's gone now and i'm tired and drained because i'm *not drained. does that make sense?
we serve purposes in each other's lives, all of us: sometimes we are needed for longer, sometimes we outstay our welcome early-on, sometimes we can't see to what end or why. it's just...i've known him since he had breasts and since before he was sick and since the day i turned nineteen and i've known him through three names and several genders and it's a committment. a committment to a person that doesn't go away when they do. he's not hurting me. i'm not hurting him. we have. but now that part is over. now is just maintenance, kisses on cheeks goodbye. looking at each other and searching for what is still familiar, what has not changed or morphed.
when he left, he told me not to settle for less in relationships. i laughed at him and told him to get his ass into the car and go. so he did. like always, like always.
but that's where i am, what i think it's about and what i've always thought it was about. how i function, WHY i function:
it's about NOT HURTING EACH OTHER.
it's about always ALWAYS ALWAYS taking great pains NOT TO HURT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE.
i will invest myself, focus myself, turn my energy toward you if i love you. you deserve to be well and be happy by me. by anyone. that is where i'll put you, then, and where i expect you to put me: out of harm's way.
that's why i did the things i did and why i fought so hard with you when you did not do them in return. i would have done anything within reason to keep you from hurting. you mattered enough to me to bend, to break. yes, k. was a ghost because i loved YOU, because my energy was with YOU. he had no place in the soft heart of us: no one did, not ever.
drama-less.
and the last time before he moves to san fran or wherever the hell he's going.
i read him some mark doty.
we ordered chinese food and hung out with punk.
and he asked me about me and we spent the whole night talking about me and my friends and my family and my life and hopes and failures and hurts and happinesses.
he's gone now and i'm tired and drained because i'm *not drained. does that make sense?
we serve purposes in each other's lives, all of us: sometimes we are needed for longer, sometimes we outstay our welcome early-on, sometimes we can't see to what end or why. it's just...i've known him since he had breasts and since before he was sick and since the day i turned nineteen and i've known him through three names and several genders and it's a committment. a committment to a person that doesn't go away when they do. he's not hurting me. i'm not hurting him. we have. but now that part is over. now is just maintenance, kisses on cheeks goodbye. looking at each other and searching for what is still familiar, what has not changed or morphed.
when he left, he told me not to settle for less in relationships. i laughed at him and told him to get his ass into the car and go. so he did. like always, like always.
but that's where i am, what i think it's about and what i've always thought it was about. how i function, WHY i function:
it's about NOT HURTING EACH OTHER.
it's about always ALWAYS ALWAYS taking great pains NOT TO HURT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE.
i will invest myself, focus myself, turn my energy toward you if i love you. you deserve to be well and be happy by me. by anyone. that is where i'll put you, then, and where i expect you to put me: out of harm's way.
that's why i did the things i did and why i fought so hard with you when you did not do them in return. i would have done anything within reason to keep you from hurting. you mattered enough to me to bend, to break. yes, k. was a ghost because i loved YOU, because my energy was with YOU. he had no place in the soft heart of us: no one did, not ever.