Ayianna : The True Story
So we've read over the years various things that occur in my life. Most of them are fairly tragic that I care to tell people about, stealing the happiest of memories for myself.
The real truth behind all of this is simple. I'm afraid. About everything!
I'm afraid that I'll never have anything good and when I have it, I'm afraid that I'll fuck it up and I'll be back at square one. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough, not woman enough, not sexy enough...just not *fill in the blank* enough for anyone or anything that is good or worthwhile. Fear of being without or losing that which I have guides my every action and no one ever sees it underneath the bravado and self-assured attitude I've adopted since I was 5.
Worse, I'm afraid to admit this to anyone because if they know and leave anyway, it just validates that I'm not enough. The fear of rejection is mixed into all of this lot, leaving me near paralyzed in relationships, going with whatever the other person wants unless I'm afraid of immediate loss of the person, at which time I return to my true form - that mysterious, powerful person I am under all the fear and pain I shackle myself with.
Yes, I'm a force of nature. I cause events to transpire that never would have been. I decide what I do and when. I get what I want just because I work my ass off to have it. But so very much of the time, I waste away, hidden beneath the layers of fear and pain.
And I've just realized that had I been less afraid, I would have so many things I have now lost to the ages. What have I been doing?
The real truth behind all of this is simple. I'm afraid. About everything!
I'm afraid that I'll never have anything good and when I have it, I'm afraid that I'll fuck it up and I'll be back at square one. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough, not woman enough, not sexy enough...just not *fill in the blank* enough for anyone or anything that is good or worthwhile. Fear of being without or losing that which I have guides my every action and no one ever sees it underneath the bravado and self-assured attitude I've adopted since I was 5.
Worse, I'm afraid to admit this to anyone because if they know and leave anyway, it just validates that I'm not enough. The fear of rejection is mixed into all of this lot, leaving me near paralyzed in relationships, going with whatever the other person wants unless I'm afraid of immediate loss of the person, at which time I return to my true form - that mysterious, powerful person I am under all the fear and pain I shackle myself with.
Yes, I'm a force of nature. I cause events to transpire that never would have been. I decide what I do and when. I get what I want just because I work my ass off to have it. But so very much of the time, I waste away, hidden beneath the layers of fear and pain.
And I've just realized that had I been less afraid, I would have so many things I have now lost to the ages. What have I been doing?