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Okay, don't get me wrong, I adore Stargate. This is just a short spoof. If you are a Stargate fan, I promise it will at least make you smile. :)
Title: They Save the World
Plot: Earth is doomed.
Setting: Briefing room, Earth.
Time span: Virtually any episode.
Warning: Strong language
Sam: Technobabble.
General: So, if we are unable to prevent this, all life on Earth will end?
Sam: Pretty much. Technobabble. Impossible odds. We're all gonna die. Technobabble, sirs.
O’Neill: Snide comment.
Daniel: *is morally outraged*
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel: Surely, our allies won't let our asses be obliterated. The Asgard will help us!
Asgard: Actually, we're really busy being really smart and fighting tiny, twitchy robots. Also, just FYI, we don't give a shit what happens to you.
Daniel: Damn. Well, the Tok’ra will help us.
Tok’ra: ...Uh, fuck you guys.
Daniel: Damn. Well, the Jaffa will help us.
Teal’c: I will request assistance.
[Stargate dials out to Jaffa planet. Teal’c sends radio message to Bra’tac.]
Teal’c (over radio): Bra’tac...Jaffa...Kree.
Bra’tac (over radio): ...Kree!
[Radio transmission ends. Stargate closes.]
Sam: What did he say?
Teal’c: After carefully describing our very complicated situation to him, he responded that he wished he could help us but the Jaffa are fighting an epic battle for freedom from their oppressors and are unable to offer assistance at this time.
Daniel: You got all that from "kree"?
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel: *eyebrow waves*
Sam: Wait... What if we technobabble the technobabbley technocrap machine till it becomes technobabblishious? Yeah, we could do that, sir.
O’Neill: What are the chances of that plan actually working?
Sam: If we ignore the fact that it defies every law of physics, quantum physics, common sense, and proper grammar, roughly one in eighteen trillion, sir.
O’Neill: ...Will I get to shoot something or blow something up?
Sam: Yes, sir.
O’Neill: Let's do this shit!
Daniel: *eyebrow waves*
Teal’c: Indeed.
[Random planet]
Sam: The MALP showed that this planet has Naquada somewhere in the southern hemisphere, sir. We need to find it and use it to power the technocrap machine so it will implode and cause technobabbizzles, sir.
O’Neill, Daniel, Teal’c: That makes so much sense.
[Random human-like bad guys appear. They start shooting and shouting various phrases in English. SG-1 flees from gunfire.]
Daniel: How come everyone speaks English?
Giant Plot Hole: *Is giant*
O’Neill: Fire at will!
Daniel: NO!
O’Neill: YES!
Daniel: NO!
O’Neill: YES!
Daniel: NO!
O’Neill: YES!
Sam: I completely agree with both of you, sir.
O'Neill: Thanks Carter. That helps.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel (to Teal’c): Why are you even in this show?
Teal’c: Because I am a total beefcake.
Daniel: What?
Teal’c: Why shouldn’t I be in this show?
Daniel: Whoa, did you just use a contraction?
Teal’c: No.
[SG-1hides behind a big rock.]
O’Neill, Sam, Teal’c: *kill bad guys*
Daniel: I'm morally outraged.
Nobody: *cares*
O’[Neill, Sam, and Teal’c find and gather Naquada.]
Daniel(To O’Neill): You shouldn’t have shot those people even though it was self-defense, there were no viable alternatives, and they would have killed us if we hadn’t!
O’Neill: STFU Daniel.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel: *sighs* *pouts*
O’Neill (to Daniel): Shut up and stop being a bitch!
Daniel: Whatev, Mr. I-over-compensate-for-my-graying-hair-by-frequently-lashing-out-in-unessesary-violence-and-cynical-remarks.
O’Neill: *bitch slaps Daniel*
Daniel: *ascends*
O’Neill, Sam, Teal'c: OMGWTFDANIEL?!
[Back on Earth]
[Sam creates technocrap machine with Naquada while technobabbling.]
Sam: What I'm about to do makes no sense what-so-ever, sir.
O’Neill: I'm comfortable with that.
Teal’c: Indeed.
General: The fate of the entire planet rests in your hands. No pressure, though.
Sam: Right. *turns on technocrap machine*
Earth:*is saved*
SG-1: w00t!!1!
Sam: Even I don't know how I did that, sir.
General: You have a go.
O’Neill: We already went, sir. Our utterly impossible mission was a complete and total success somehow.
General: Well done.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Sam: Have you guys noticed how I'm smart AND sexy? I'm like multidimensional.
O’Neill and Sam: *have eye sex*
Daniel: *descends*
Sam, Teal'c, General: OMGWTFDANIEL?!
O'Neill: Daniel, you're back! We missed you! Kind of.
Daniel: I never left you. While I was ascended, I watched over all of you. Even while you were in the shower.
Sam: Creepy.
Teal'c: Indeed.
O’Neill and Daniel: *have eye sex*
Daneil: *is morally violated*
Teal’c: Indeed.
SG-1: *is made of win*
The End
Title: They Save the World
Plot: Earth is doomed.
Setting: Briefing room, Earth.
Time span: Virtually any episode.
Warning: Strong language
Sam: Technobabble.
General: So, if we are unable to prevent this, all life on Earth will end?
Sam: Pretty much. Technobabble. Impossible odds. We're all gonna die. Technobabble, sirs.
O’Neill: Snide comment.
Daniel: *is morally outraged*
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel: Surely, our allies won't let our asses be obliterated. The Asgard will help us!
Asgard: Actually, we're really busy being really smart and fighting tiny, twitchy robots. Also, just FYI, we don't give a shit what happens to you.
Daniel: Damn. Well, the Tok’ra will help us.
Tok’ra: ...Uh, fuck you guys.
Daniel: Damn. Well, the Jaffa will help us.
Teal’c: I will request assistance.
[Stargate dials out to Jaffa planet. Teal’c sends radio message to Bra’tac.]
Teal’c (over radio): Bra’tac...Jaffa...Kree.
Bra’tac (over radio): ...Kree!
[Radio transmission ends. Stargate closes.]
Sam: What did he say?
Teal’c: After carefully describing our very complicated situation to him, he responded that he wished he could help us but the Jaffa are fighting an epic battle for freedom from their oppressors and are unable to offer assistance at this time.
Daniel: You got all that from "kree"?
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel: *eyebrow waves*
Sam: Wait... What if we technobabble the technobabbley technocrap machine till it becomes technobabblishious? Yeah, we could do that, sir.
O’Neill: What are the chances of that plan actually working?
Sam: If we ignore the fact that it defies every law of physics, quantum physics, common sense, and proper grammar, roughly one in eighteen trillion, sir.
O’Neill: ...Will I get to shoot something or blow something up?
Sam: Yes, sir.
O’Neill: Let's do this shit!
Daniel: *eyebrow waves*
Teal’c: Indeed.
[Random planet]
Sam: The MALP showed that this planet has Naquada somewhere in the southern hemisphere, sir. We need to find it and use it to power the technocrap machine so it will implode and cause technobabbizzles, sir.
O’Neill, Daniel, Teal’c: That makes so much sense.
[Random human-like bad guys appear. They start shooting and shouting various phrases in English. SG-1 flees from gunfire.]
Daniel: How come everyone speaks English?
Giant Plot Hole: *Is giant*
O’Neill: Fire at will!
Daniel: NO!
O’Neill: YES!
Daniel: NO!
O’Neill: YES!
Daniel: NO!
O’Neill: YES!
Sam: I completely agree with both of you, sir.
O'Neill: Thanks Carter. That helps.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel (to Teal’c): Why are you even in this show?
Teal’c: Because I am a total beefcake.
Daniel: What?
Teal’c: Why shouldn’t I be in this show?
Daniel: Whoa, did you just use a contraction?
Teal’c: No.
[SG-1hides behind a big rock.]
O’Neill, Sam, Teal’c: *kill bad guys*
Daniel: I'm morally outraged.
Nobody: *cares*
O’[Neill, Sam, and Teal’c find and gather Naquada.]
Daniel(To O’Neill): You shouldn’t have shot those people even though it was self-defense, there were no viable alternatives, and they would have killed us if we hadn’t!
O’Neill: STFU Daniel.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Daniel: *sighs* *pouts*
O’Neill (to Daniel): Shut up and stop being a bitch!
Daniel: Whatev, Mr. I-over-compensate-for-my-graying-hair-by-frequently-lashing-out-in-unessesary-violence-and-cynical-remarks.
O’Neill: *bitch slaps Daniel*
Daniel: *ascends*
O’Neill, Sam, Teal'c: OMGWTFDANIEL?!
[Back on Earth]
[Sam creates technocrap machine with Naquada while technobabbling.]
Sam: What I'm about to do makes no sense what-so-ever, sir.
O’Neill: I'm comfortable with that.
Teal’c: Indeed.
General: The fate of the entire planet rests in your hands. No pressure, though.
Sam: Right. *turns on technocrap machine*
Earth:*is saved*
SG-1: w00t!!1!
Sam: Even I don't know how I did that, sir.
General: You have a go.
O’Neill: We already went, sir. Our utterly impossible mission was a complete and total success somehow.
General: Well done.
Teal’c: Indeed.
Sam: Have you guys noticed how I'm smart AND sexy? I'm like multidimensional.
O’Neill and Sam: *have eye sex*
Daniel: *descends*
Sam, Teal'c, General: OMGWTFDANIEL?!
O'Neill: Daniel, you're back! We missed you! Kind of.
Daniel: I never left you. While I was ascended, I watched over all of you. Even while you were in the shower.
Sam: Creepy.
Teal'c: Indeed.
O’Neill and Daniel: *have eye sex*
Daneil: *is morally violated*
Teal’c: Indeed.
SG-1: *is made of win*
The End