Sleepy Time Blues
Tonight is my first night working the over night shift at my job, and although I love it, I miss my pillow, my bed and my cuddle buddy so much right now. This week has been so stressful, between hearing about missing children constantly on the news, and fighting with my boss about my work schedule I can honestly say that mentally i'm slacking in the stress-free area. I am trying to deal with so much and juggle my personal life at the same time as my professional life I feel like there just isn't enough time in the day for my frustrations. Then just when I think things couldn't get worst I start getting those tight feelings in my chest and I just cant get enough air, I start feeling as though I am going in a downward spiral through a dark tunnel of nothingness. The tears start flowing and i'm left gasping for reality to catch up. Anxiety once again fills my lungs and I am alive, caught up in this torment that has become my life. If only there were an escape that wasn't medically induced or drug influenced. If only...
I fill my mind with the dreams i have for myself, what I wan't to be, and how I will achieve it. Yet the only thing I am certain of at this point in time is that soon I will be alone on this path, with no one to guide me and no one to hold on to. I will be the only one I can talk to eventually, so where does that leave me? Will I be so alone that I become like everyone else in this boring ass world? Or will i overcome the crap everyone hands me and make it out of this hell hole just in the nick of time?
I guess that's just the future. Uncertain expectations that rarely follow hard work and dedication to a job I just don't love. How do I know how I feel about something when a part of my being, well... All of my being has never felt true joy and happiness. What is happiness anyways?