Pondering Identity
This is something I wrote 8 years ago about identity that I think is just as poignant and accurate today.
Pondering identity and what it is we turn to and derive ours from I see disturbing trends in our society, that we often don't consider, but we openly accept because it's the way it's always been. I look around and many, starting early in life, derive their identity from their relationships. Some relationships, such as that with a loving parent or invested mentor, can yield positive results on our identity, but all too often the relationships we pull our identity from are the romantic ones, regardless of how healthy they are, and we measure our worth based on who we are in a relationship with or whether we are capable of 'finding' a 'good' relationship. When you meet someone who has chosen to remain single do you wonder what may be wrong with them? Do you pity them? Do you think, or even say, that they must not have met the right girl/guy yet? A few days ago I heard a young woman's grandmother mention that her granddaughter was not even interested in dating right now. While my first response, having been contemplating identity, was 'good for her', her mother immediately said she just hasn't met the right guy yet. We've put so much stock in romance that we question the rationale behind someone not seeking it out, though maybe we should be questioning if they might have a stronger sense of identity than the questioner.
This unhealthy focus on romance as a source of identity manifests itself in our obsession with looks. We think that to impress the right person we need to dress a certain way or we need to lose x number of pounds. This obsession quickly turns into another source of identity and suddenly we're not eating well and exercising for the sake of being healthy; instead we're starving ourselves and overworking and overtaxing our body as we exercise in excess to get the body we think will provide the identity and self worth we crave. It's not just women who have capitulated to society when it comes to looks as a source of identity either, despite what many men may claim. The same advertisement schemes and publication of so called 'perfect' people have caused the same insecurities and doubts in both men and women. We focus a lot on what we and the people around us look like on the outside, but do we take the time to get to know their true nature, where true beauty lies, underneath the aesthetic mask we all put on?
Another source from which we tend to derive our identity is the work we do to support ourselves. Less than a week ago I had a chance to hang out with a family band who played a concert at a local church and in the course of the evening, between the reception after the concert and relaxing around food after, I answered the question, "so what do you do?" at least a dozen times. Work as a source of identity is so ingrained in us as a society that we don't think twice about it being one of, if not the, first questions we ask as we meet one another. Earlier the same day I had the opportunity to pray with a gentleman who had been out of work for several years due to an injury and the conversation leading up to the prayer kept coming back to how he used to work seven days a week to support his family and now that he can't work he feels like a failure and that he was no longer the man he used to be. We invest so much time and importance in work that we absorb a job as our identity, making us lost when that job is no longer there to cling to. Maybe it's not a job you cling to for identity but many of us cling to other positions we hold or things we do that are good at as a source of identity. When getting to know someone do you find yourself listing the many things you do, whether in a church, a volunteer organization, a workplace or even as hobbies? Do you find yourself talking about the things you excel at? It is all too common in our society to mistake what you do with who you are and we come to forget that who you are is different, and more important, than what you do.
Do I have all the answers when it comes to identity? No. Do I struggle with separating my identity from all of the above matters? Absolutely. So why am I writing this? As I look at the hurt and the heartbreak, the insecurity and the self doubt inherent in the identity that I've derived from these things, especially when a relationship ends, or I put back on some of the pounds I had lost in what started out as an attempt to be healthier, or as someone questions my capabilities at my job or outshines me in an area in which I thought I excelled, I see that none of these things truly make me me. I am who I am regardless of whether I am in, not in, or even want to be in a relationship. I am who I am whether I've lost 20 pounds and am dressed to the nines or I've put weight back on and am hanging out in ratty jeans and a hoodie. I am who I am regardless of what job I have, whether I have a job or what I do or don't excel at. As I come to the realization that I am who I am regardless of anything else around me it changes my view on everything else around me. When I no longer try to define myself through relationship I can build and maintain healthier and better relationships, whether romantic, familial or platonic. When I no longer define myself by my appearance I can start to eat well and exercise and maintain a healthier me for the sake of maintaining a healthier me, physically and emotionally. When I no longer define myself through a job, position or things I do, I let who I am determine what I do, and how I do it, rather than letting what I do control me and change who I am. As I look at these things and change my views I can't help but see how long I've been deriving my identity from these unhealthy sources. When we've spent years defining ourselves through everything around us we can all too easily forget who we are underneath it all. That being said I am working to reacquaint myself with me, getting to know myself through and through.
Taking the time to refocus on who you are is exciting, and a little bit scary, but I encourage you, if you're viewing yourself through the things around you rather than viewing the things around you through who you are, take some time to really reflect, watch yourself, and get to know yourself once more.