Misallocation of resources leads to dead end and moral dilemmas.
I love the gym. A lot. I'm there about 4-6 days a week, closer to 6, though not always. I like the gym more than socializing these days, more than anything else actually. I'm feeling pretty anti-social.
I'm financially fucked no matter which way you cut it at this point, but somehow never quite enough to make me slip into under-pressure mode. That's actually the only thing that worries me, and that may be more worrysome than the aformentioned fact... oh, what bullshit this life is made of.
The CT-scans that I had to get ran another 880 in addition to the 9600 for the little visit to the ER. I tried to set up some sort of payment plan in light of the fact that I'm still unemployed (although that may change soon) and the 'only thing they could do' was 150/mo. I told the lady outright that I can't pay it, I'm going to be sent to collections.
I may be getting a job at 24 Hour Fitness (I hope) as Graveyard Front Desk/Night Security. If I get as many hours as I want then I really wont have a social life anymore. If not... then I will be too broke to have one so... either way the point stand I guess.
I'm getting a lot of music out, and some recorded. I can email mp3's of a few songs if anyone wants, just tag your email address.
Procrastinating on this stupid english essay. I want college to be done already.
I do miss friends and an active social life, but not enough to dedicate myself to it again. If it doesn't happen... then I guess my ego can go fuck itself... same goes for my sex life. It's back to the abstinence thing (and maybe not too far from celibacy again) but on a much more long term basis than before. Sex may feel good but I have more dignity, will power, and important things to be doing with my time than to spend it all on a pointless fucking quest for casual sex. It may 'make me less of a man' to admit this but sex without love and commitment (or at least a foundation of friendship and great communication) leaves me feeling anxious and lonely, and doesn't feel as good as it should.
I have a hard time feeling connected these days, and I don't know where it began, but I can trace some of the path back to a few faces, a name, a pen, and shaking hand. I should've taken it back.
I've been having a hard time feeling like January '05 - just a little while ago wasn't a an ineffably enormous (though neccesary) mistake; one that I'll be paying for for a few more years to come. I'm trying not to throw out the baby with the bathwater... but what do you do when you can't tell which is which?
I'm financially fucked no matter which way you cut it at this point, but somehow never quite enough to make me slip into under-pressure mode. That's actually the only thing that worries me, and that may be more worrysome than the aformentioned fact... oh, what bullshit this life is made of.
The CT-scans that I had to get ran another 880 in addition to the 9600 for the little visit to the ER. I tried to set up some sort of payment plan in light of the fact that I'm still unemployed (although that may change soon) and the 'only thing they could do' was 150/mo. I told the lady outright that I can't pay it, I'm going to be sent to collections.
I may be getting a job at 24 Hour Fitness (I hope) as Graveyard Front Desk/Night Security. If I get as many hours as I want then I really wont have a social life anymore. If not... then I will be too broke to have one so... either way the point stand I guess.
I'm getting a lot of music out, and some recorded. I can email mp3's of a few songs if anyone wants, just tag your email address.
Procrastinating on this stupid english essay. I want college to be done already.
I do miss friends and an active social life, but not enough to dedicate myself to it again. If it doesn't happen... then I guess my ego can go fuck itself... same goes for my sex life. It's back to the abstinence thing (and maybe not too far from celibacy again) but on a much more long term basis than before. Sex may feel good but I have more dignity, will power, and important things to be doing with my time than to spend it all on a pointless fucking quest for casual sex. It may 'make me less of a man' to admit this but sex without love and commitment (or at least a foundation of friendship and great communication) leaves me feeling anxious and lonely, and doesn't feel as good as it should.
I have a hard time feeling connected these days, and I don't know where it began, but I can trace some of the path back to a few faces, a name, a pen, and shaking hand. I should've taken it back.
I've been having a hard time feeling like January '05 - just a little while ago wasn't a an ineffably enormous (though neccesary) mistake; one that I'll be paying for for a few more years to come. I'm trying not to throw out the baby with the bathwater... but what do you do when you can't tell which is which?