(no subject)
I dyed my hair black emotastic. I miss the dreads, but it's okay as I'm going to get some black ones soon. Maybe, if I stop being lazy. My hair was pretty much shot anyway, I should really stop fucking around with it. Hopefully this is the end of putting chemicals on my hair, but we'll see. I tend to dye my hair when I'm stressed.
I've been kind of down lately and it's pissing me off. The most recent upset is my maternal grandmother is really sick...she's very old, so we think she is going to pass away soon. My mother hasn't seen her in about 7 years now, as she's in Korea and we're over here. And I guess other reasons too, namely our situation isn't something my mother wants her mother to deal with, you know? Seeing your mother is supposed to be a happy occasion, but I guess she didn't want to burden my grandmother with the fact that she is struggling, what with my father abandoning us and everything. And now she's left it off too late and so the long awaited reunion is now one of farewell.
I don't want her to lose her mother. I love my mother so much, even though I cause her so much pain. I just can't imagine being without her. So for her to deal with this so suddenly makes me so anxious and it's unbearable, because I keep thinking about what it would be like if I lost her -- and if this is what it's like for me, what must it be like for her? It's not a what if, this is real.
Just thinking about it.......I don't know how to describe it.
She leaves this Sunday.
She'll be in Korea for three weeks.
I'm scared for when she comes back.
NYC is so fucking cold.
This morning it was like 10 degrees. OUCH. At least now my heater is fixed.
(I didn't mean for this post to be so emo, btw. Sorry.)