Crack News - Kim Junsu’s IQ is 169?
Title: Crack News - Kim Junsu’s IQ is 169?
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
#5 Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
#6 Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
#7 Max Changmin owns WeenyHat.com?
#8 Kim Jaejoong Arrested When Police Discover Boner
#9 SM Files Injunction in Yunho/Jaejoong Custody Case
Kim Junsu’s IQ is 169?
Even in all his vast intelligence, Junsu is still known for his amazing backside.
Not only does Kim Junsu have a plump ass and can dance like his hips are made for fucking and has a husky voice that makes girls wet between their legs (really? Who are these girls? I think the reporter is making shit up - signed, the editing team who is back from sucking down cock and tail in Thailand) but Kim Junsu has an IQ of 169!
Why would this news be important, you ask? Well, his intelligence is at the center of the bizarre string of recent events that have had fans around the world glued to news updates and wondering what the on-haitus Dong Bang boys are doing with their free time. In case you forgot, Yunho sued for joint custody of Jaejoong’s penis, but SM stepped in and claimed it was their property, so they were hauled off to jail (where they are still sitting as the boys drink fruity drinks with little pink umbrellas in them).
Shim Changmin was forced to be handcuffed to his non-suing band friend, Jung Yunho and after throwing fits in the public eye about how Junsu wasn’t as fuckable as he was he started a lucrative Weeny Hat business. But was Yunho really Changmin’s slave labor, knitting each little Weeny Hat by himself? For those fans who doubted and believed the youngest would make the leader do such a horrible thing, shame on you, because we have the real story now-and it may blow your mind!
After the Junsu is a Whore café and PB & Jae fan sites posted pictures of the boys at Incheon International Airport, flying off to only god-and-ninja-fans-know where, we here at Totally Fake Crack News assembled our top investigative team (that’d be me, a tech guy who wears nerdy glasses and blows his nose 20 times a day and my assistant who doesn’t understand the difference between color and black and white when printing) and we hopped a the next flight to Hawaii.
We quickly got leied then headed off to the hotel they were rumored to be staying at. Get your mind out of the gutter, getting leied in Hawaii means you get a necklace of flowers when you get off the plane (though I also had a quickie with the tech guy on the flight, nerdy guys do it for me sometimes and let’s face it, you gotta actually do it to get into the Mile High Club).
Anyway, we hunted the boys down and found them shirtless and pantless (okay, that’s a lie, they had shorts on) sitting by the pool of their hotel. How did we find them? With the standard TVXQ GPS tracker that all fans have, of course. Oh, you don’t have one? You must be the only one that doesn’t.
Changmin was all wet from having taken a dip in the pool when I accidentally fell into his lap and slid right off (damn) and made an ass of myself. If it makes you feel better, he shoved me off, but that’s not the story, the story is that the boys were grinning like Mad Hatters who had just pulled off the biggest diamond heist the world had ever seen.
And to be honest, they definitely pulled one over on everyone!
Jaejoong started talking first. He said, “you see, it all started when we realized SM was screwing us.” The other four boys nodded and agreed, but when I finished his sentence for him and said, “screwing you out of money and time off, right?” they all just stared at me blankly.
After a long, awkward silence (where I was imagining group orgies being filmed by executives with video cameras and what not) Yoochun continued the story. “Junsu came up with a plan about a year ago when we were in Saipan,” Yoochun said, patting Junsu’s bare knee (he had on cute little blue swimming shorts with goldfish on them). Junsu acted embarrassed, but then said, “I wasn’t sure we could pull it off, but when the SM executives were arrested in court last week, I knew we had succeeded.”
Are you ready to hear the wild and crazy plan that only five beloved idols could pull off without looking insane? Well, here it is.
First, Yunho had to sue for joint custody of Jaejoong’s penis to lure SM Entertainment to reveal the illegal contract in court. While keeping SM confused by dealing with the original lawsuit (that Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu filed to break the exclusive clause) they were able to put their real plan into motion.
“We needed three of us to be able to make money outside of SM for the plan to work. But we needed two members to stay at SM to keep an eye on things and to guarantee that SM would fight for them in court and reveal the contract,” Changmin said as I slithered into the seat next to him, holding my hand over the hickey on my neck that nerd-man gave me on the flight. Hey, if there’s a chance to tangle myself in those mile long Korean legs, I want it!
When I asked how they decided who would stay and who would go, they said that at first they had decided it would be Junsu, Changmin and Jaejoong to sue, but then Changmin was offered a role in Paradise Meadow at the last minute and he couldn’t get out of it, so they switched him with Yoochun (and we’re all soooooooo glad we waited for the awesomeness of Paradise Meadow, right? Oh, that’s right, it’s never *bleeping* aired!).
“I remember how sad we were when we had to part, remember honey?” Jaejoong seemed sincere as he rubbed Yunho’s slightly sunburned shoulder. Yunho then said, “it was so hard to be away from each other for so long. Even though we sexted three or four times a day, it wasn’t the same.”
“But we almost lost our footing at the beginning because we needed Yoochun to stay with SM,” Junsu said, making a big show of ignoring the YunJae moment happening next to him. Yoochun sheepishly admitted that he was the worst at pretending and pulling pranks, he couldn’t keep a straight face, so he was nominated to stay under the oppressive arm of SM where he wouldn’t be required to make public appearances and potentially ruin the whole operation.
So in case you’re wondering, that’s why Yoochun’s hermit, karaoke singing role was so painfully bland. “We had to ban him from doing too much,” Jaejoong said. “He wasn’t even supposed to do the karaoke bit, but he couldn’t help himself, he was starving for attention,” Yunho added.
Yoochun threw his hands up in the air. “What was I supposed to do? Sit in my house and rot while hundreds of fans were sleeping in Fan Town, begging for a glimpse of me? ME!” He patted his chest enthusiastically as if he was the hottest man on the planet (which the Sharing Yoochun peeps are sure to agree).
The four other members snapped their heads at him in unison. “Yes!”
Changmin was supposed to play a much bigger role, but they had to scramble for a last minute plan when he had to stay behind. “I’ve already dropped my complaint for loss of appetite and partial custody for Yoochun,” the youngest said as he patted Yoochun on the shoulder.
I asked if the love triangle between Yoochun, Changmin and Junsu was real or if it was just part of the hoax and the answer was surprising. “Well, I’m actually straight,” Junsu said, “but these two are definitely in a relationship.” He was pointing at Yoochun and Changmin.
“We needed to direct Changmin’s focus somewhere, so we decided it was best for him to appear angry at Junsu over being able to spend time with Yoochun,” Yunho said. Under the guise of Changmin’s jealousy, they were able to create the Junsu is a Whore café where they attracted thousands of fans and later advertised the Weeny Hats by privately emailing the forum registrants-a smart business maneuver indeed!
“The PB & Jae café was an unexpected godsend for us,” Jaejoong said. “Not only did we have the Junsu is a Whore café fans, but we more than tripled our email mailing list when I signed up to be one of the moderators are the PB & Jae.”
That’s right fans, Jaejoong was secretly on the fan site under the mod username CreamyBottom.
Speaking of which, I decided to find out once and for all if it was YunJae or JaeHo since Yunho’s legal claim for Jaejoong’s penis had confused many fans. “It’s definitely YunJae,” Yunho said, boasting a proud smile. “We needed the media to focus on Jaejoong’s penis (mission accomplished boys!) so SM would reveal the part of the contract about owning the TVXQ members. It wouldn’t have worked so well if everyone was focused on Jaejoong’s ass.” (Trust me boys, the world revolves quite nicely when everyone is focused on Jaejoong’s ass).
Delighted by their ingenuity, I had to ask why Yoochun was crying in court if they had planned it all out. “Oh, I wasn’t crying, I was laughing,” Yoochun said. “I couldn’t stop myself because I was so excited that our plan worked.”
To which Changmin interrupted by smacking Yoochun on the back of the head, saying, “I had to be cuffed to a sex craved Yunho all because you can’t keep a straight face.” The mood changed when Yunho coughed nervously into his hand and gave Changmin a shut up or die stare that convinced me that Yunho really could act and not being able to act was all just an act.
The curiosity literally dripped from my tongue (I was drooling over Changmin’s abs) as I inquired about the hush-hush situation developing between the baby and the leader of the group. Jaejoong, in all his confident and amused glory, raised his hand and informed me that things happened while they were cuffed together, but not to worry because it wasn’t anything a couple hundred cases of vodka and a TVXQ fight club couldn’t fix.
Changmin shivered and quickly changed the subject. Yes ladies, and rabid I go gay for Jae fanboys, the youngest member was able to woo me away from a potential fanfic inspiring HoMin story by simply flashing his pearly white teeth and telling me that my boobs looked like they were different sizes. I clutched my chest in horror (thoroughly duped and slightly turned on) then brightened when I realized that he’d been checking me out. Suck on that bitches!
But my wonderful moment of bliss was shattered when a pair of clammy cold hands wrapped around my eyes and an unfamiliar voice whispered creepily in my ear, “guess who?” Truth be told, I regret that my instincts got cross wired and instead of guessing, my women’s self defense class-where I learned to beat the shit out of a guy padded like the Michellan man-instincts turned on and I elbowed him in the gut then threw him over my shoulder.
But hey, I found Junho! I also got an ear piercing screech in my ear when Junsu shrieked in horror that I’d attacked his only sibling.
After apologizing and buying him a pink fruity drink with a little umbrella, Junho forgave me and smiled. He’s freakishly more masculine than Junsu. The oldest twin gave me the rest of the story, revealing that Junsu had come up with the idea for the Weeny Hats months ago and that’s when Junho bought the domain name and applied for the trademark. That’s right, Junsu was the genius behind those fuzzy little wiener warmers!
“We started knitting right away, the five of us, Junho, Ricky, Jaejoong’s sisters, anyone we could trust basically, was given a pair of knitting needles and put to work,” Junsu said. “Heechul even made a few until he got distracted making tube sock sweaters for his cats,” Yunho added.
With thousands of Weeny Hats already knit and ready for shipment, their fantastical plan fell into place as fans clamored to buy them up. “Don’t worry, we’re not going to run away with the money or anything, we’ve got a plan for that too,” Junho reassured.
The earnings were split into three categories. First, the boys used the money to buy their way out of their contracts (contract break pending due to SM’s slow ass accountant who is still “going over” the numbers). With the remaining money, the boys gave 70% to their favorite charities (won’t Babs be thrilled!) and 30% went to the start up costs of their new entertainment company which…are you sitting down? Junsu is the CEO. Bubble butt got himself a big ass corporate title.
“My baby bro has an IQ of 169,” Junho ruffled Junsu’s hair, causing him to purr in a freaky, yet adorable manner. “He’s the brains-“
“And the ass!” Jaejoong piped in.
“-of all our operations,” Yoochun said. The boys took a moment to raise a toast in Junsu’s name while I checked the time on my phone to make sure I hadn’t entered the effing Twilight Zone. No offense, Junsu, you’re a whole lot of eye and ear candy to a whole lot of girls, but um, CEO!?
“So anyway,” Jaejoong started rambling so I whipped out my mini recorder so I could splice it up later to make it sound like he was asking me out on a date. “We’re also throwing a huge celebration at an amusement park for our fans, just like we promised!” After offering sexual favors to whoever wanted them for VIP passes, I laughed it off as a joke when the only response I received was a frisky looking smile from the male waiter that whizzed by with another round of pina coladas.
But as I asked about the mysterious human shaped garbage bag that Ricky had been seen wheeling away, I felt a small warm hand on my upper thigh, hidden from view by the edge of the table. Glancing to my right, I found Junsu licking his lips at me, leering in a way that I was familiar with-a straight man’s crude attempt to whisk a girl off her feet (and shit, it works half the time, doesn’t it ladies?).
“Oh, that was a bag of Weeny Hats that Yoohwan and I had been knitting at home. We had to get them to Yunho and Changmin for shipment somehow, so a late night body dump seemed like a good cover up,” Yoochun said as Junsu’s sneaky little fingers skimmed the bottom of my shorts.
I gave Changmin one last shot at me by winking and tossing my hair over my shoulder, but he grabbed Yoochun’s hand and held it, thus silently declaring that I had no chance with the bean stalk singer after all.
“So…” I sputtered out, swatting at Junsu’s clammy hand under the table. “Junho, what is your IQ?” Junho answered but I have no idea what he said because Junsu stood up and pulled me into his arms, shushing me with a finger to my lips. I believe I squeaked out a small help, but those damn gay boys hooted him on while I wriggled in horror.
The rest I cannot tell you, I signed a confidentiality agreement, but I can say that Junsu is most certainly straight and he most certainly propositioned the reporter that fled the country for sexual favors. So the angry mob burned her house down for no reason.
I can also say that I’m quitting my job as a reporter at Totally Fake Crack News and auditioning to be a trainee in their new entertainment company so I can be around them always. If you think the TVXQ spell is strong from the distance of just being a fan, try breaking it after you’ve met them, it’s a futile task, my dearies, you might as well give in and succumb to their magical powers.
And that, my dear TVXQ fans, is the story behind the incredible events that took the world by surprise. I have no proof that Kim Junsu’s IQ is 169, but after the things he did said to me, I can assure you, he’s an effing genius!
----------------
a/n: I hope you all enjoyed the final chapter of Crack News! Sorry for the long wait ~
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
#5 Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
#6 Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
#7 Max Changmin owns WeenyHat.com?
#8 Kim Jaejoong Arrested When Police Discover Boner
#9 SM Files Injunction in Yunho/Jaejoong Custody Case
Kim Junsu’s IQ is 169?
Even in all his vast intelligence, Junsu is still known for his amazing backside.
Not only does Kim Junsu have a plump ass and can dance like his hips are made for fucking and has a husky voice that makes girls wet between their legs (really? Who are these girls? I think the reporter is making shit up - signed, the editing team who is back from sucking down cock and tail in Thailand) but Kim Junsu has an IQ of 169!
Why would this news be important, you ask? Well, his intelligence is at the center of the bizarre string of recent events that have had fans around the world glued to news updates and wondering what the on-haitus Dong Bang boys are doing with their free time. In case you forgot, Yunho sued for joint custody of Jaejoong’s penis, but SM stepped in and claimed it was their property, so they were hauled off to jail (where they are still sitting as the boys drink fruity drinks with little pink umbrellas in them).
Shim Changmin was forced to be handcuffed to his non-suing band friend, Jung Yunho and after throwing fits in the public eye about how Junsu wasn’t as fuckable as he was he started a lucrative Weeny Hat business. But was Yunho really Changmin’s slave labor, knitting each little Weeny Hat by himself? For those fans who doubted and believed the youngest would make the leader do such a horrible thing, shame on you, because we have the real story now-and it may blow your mind!
After the Junsu is a Whore café and PB & Jae fan sites posted pictures of the boys at Incheon International Airport, flying off to only god-and-ninja-fans-know where, we here at Totally Fake Crack News assembled our top investigative team (that’d be me, a tech guy who wears nerdy glasses and blows his nose 20 times a day and my assistant who doesn’t understand the difference between color and black and white when printing) and we hopped a the next flight to Hawaii.
We quickly got leied then headed off to the hotel they were rumored to be staying at. Get your mind out of the gutter, getting leied in Hawaii means you get a necklace of flowers when you get off the plane (though I also had a quickie with the tech guy on the flight, nerdy guys do it for me sometimes and let’s face it, you gotta actually do it to get into the Mile High Club).
Anyway, we hunted the boys down and found them shirtless and pantless (okay, that’s a lie, they had shorts on) sitting by the pool of their hotel. How did we find them? With the standard TVXQ GPS tracker that all fans have, of course. Oh, you don’t have one? You must be the only one that doesn’t.
Changmin was all wet from having taken a dip in the pool when I accidentally fell into his lap and slid right off (damn) and made an ass of myself. If it makes you feel better, he shoved me off, but that’s not the story, the story is that the boys were grinning like Mad Hatters who had just pulled off the biggest diamond heist the world had ever seen.
And to be honest, they definitely pulled one over on everyone!
Jaejoong started talking first. He said, “you see, it all started when we realized SM was screwing us.” The other four boys nodded and agreed, but when I finished his sentence for him and said, “screwing you out of money and time off, right?” they all just stared at me blankly.
After a long, awkward silence (where I was imagining group orgies being filmed by executives with video cameras and what not) Yoochun continued the story. “Junsu came up with a plan about a year ago when we were in Saipan,” Yoochun said, patting Junsu’s bare knee (he had on cute little blue swimming shorts with goldfish on them). Junsu acted embarrassed, but then said, “I wasn’t sure we could pull it off, but when the SM executives were arrested in court last week, I knew we had succeeded.”
Are you ready to hear the wild and crazy plan that only five beloved idols could pull off without looking insane? Well, here it is.
First, Yunho had to sue for joint custody of Jaejoong’s penis to lure SM Entertainment to reveal the illegal contract in court. While keeping SM confused by dealing with the original lawsuit (that Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu filed to break the exclusive clause) they were able to put their real plan into motion.
“We needed three of us to be able to make money outside of SM for the plan to work. But we needed two members to stay at SM to keep an eye on things and to guarantee that SM would fight for them in court and reveal the contract,” Changmin said as I slithered into the seat next to him, holding my hand over the hickey on my neck that nerd-man gave me on the flight. Hey, if there’s a chance to tangle myself in those mile long Korean legs, I want it!
When I asked how they decided who would stay and who would go, they said that at first they had decided it would be Junsu, Changmin and Jaejoong to sue, but then Changmin was offered a role in Paradise Meadow at the last minute and he couldn’t get out of it, so they switched him with Yoochun (and we’re all soooooooo glad we waited for the awesomeness of Paradise Meadow, right? Oh, that’s right, it’s never *bleeping* aired!).
“I remember how sad we were when we had to part, remember honey?” Jaejoong seemed sincere as he rubbed Yunho’s slightly sunburned shoulder. Yunho then said, “it was so hard to be away from each other for so long. Even though we sexted three or four times a day, it wasn’t the same.”
“But we almost lost our footing at the beginning because we needed Yoochun to stay with SM,” Junsu said, making a big show of ignoring the YunJae moment happening next to him. Yoochun sheepishly admitted that he was the worst at pretending and pulling pranks, he couldn’t keep a straight face, so he was nominated to stay under the oppressive arm of SM where he wouldn’t be required to make public appearances and potentially ruin the whole operation.
So in case you’re wondering, that’s why Yoochun’s hermit, karaoke singing role was so painfully bland. “We had to ban him from doing too much,” Jaejoong said. “He wasn’t even supposed to do the karaoke bit, but he couldn’t help himself, he was starving for attention,” Yunho added.
Yoochun threw his hands up in the air. “What was I supposed to do? Sit in my house and rot while hundreds of fans were sleeping in Fan Town, begging for a glimpse of me? ME!” He patted his chest enthusiastically as if he was the hottest man on the planet (which the Sharing Yoochun peeps are sure to agree).
The four other members snapped their heads at him in unison. “Yes!”
Changmin was supposed to play a much bigger role, but they had to scramble for a last minute plan when he had to stay behind. “I’ve already dropped my complaint for loss of appetite and partial custody for Yoochun,” the youngest said as he patted Yoochun on the shoulder.
I asked if the love triangle between Yoochun, Changmin and Junsu was real or if it was just part of the hoax and the answer was surprising. “Well, I’m actually straight,” Junsu said, “but these two are definitely in a relationship.” He was pointing at Yoochun and Changmin.
“We needed to direct Changmin’s focus somewhere, so we decided it was best for him to appear angry at Junsu over being able to spend time with Yoochun,” Yunho said. Under the guise of Changmin’s jealousy, they were able to create the Junsu is a Whore café where they attracted thousands of fans and later advertised the Weeny Hats by privately emailing the forum registrants-a smart business maneuver indeed!
“The PB & Jae café was an unexpected godsend for us,” Jaejoong said. “Not only did we have the Junsu is a Whore café fans, but we more than tripled our email mailing list when I signed up to be one of the moderators are the PB & Jae.”
That’s right fans, Jaejoong was secretly on the fan site under the mod username CreamyBottom.
Speaking of which, I decided to find out once and for all if it was YunJae or JaeHo since Yunho’s legal claim for Jaejoong’s penis had confused many fans. “It’s definitely YunJae,” Yunho said, boasting a proud smile. “We needed the media to focus on Jaejoong’s penis (mission accomplished boys!) so SM would reveal the part of the contract about owning the TVXQ members. It wouldn’t have worked so well if everyone was focused on Jaejoong’s ass.” (Trust me boys, the world revolves quite nicely when everyone is focused on Jaejoong’s ass).
Delighted by their ingenuity, I had to ask why Yoochun was crying in court if they had planned it all out. “Oh, I wasn’t crying, I was laughing,” Yoochun said. “I couldn’t stop myself because I was so excited that our plan worked.”
To which Changmin interrupted by smacking Yoochun on the back of the head, saying, “I had to be cuffed to a sex craved Yunho all because you can’t keep a straight face.” The mood changed when Yunho coughed nervously into his hand and gave Changmin a shut up or die stare that convinced me that Yunho really could act and not being able to act was all just an act.
The curiosity literally dripped from my tongue (I was drooling over Changmin’s abs) as I inquired about the hush-hush situation developing between the baby and the leader of the group. Jaejoong, in all his confident and amused glory, raised his hand and informed me that things happened while they were cuffed together, but not to worry because it wasn’t anything a couple hundred cases of vodka and a TVXQ fight club couldn’t fix.
Changmin shivered and quickly changed the subject. Yes ladies, and rabid I go gay for Jae fanboys, the youngest member was able to woo me away from a potential fanfic inspiring HoMin story by simply flashing his pearly white teeth and telling me that my boobs looked like they were different sizes. I clutched my chest in horror (thoroughly duped and slightly turned on) then brightened when I realized that he’d been checking me out. Suck on that bitches!
But my wonderful moment of bliss was shattered when a pair of clammy cold hands wrapped around my eyes and an unfamiliar voice whispered creepily in my ear, “guess who?” Truth be told, I regret that my instincts got cross wired and instead of guessing, my women’s self defense class-where I learned to beat the shit out of a guy padded like the Michellan man-instincts turned on and I elbowed him in the gut then threw him over my shoulder.
But hey, I found Junho! I also got an ear piercing screech in my ear when Junsu shrieked in horror that I’d attacked his only sibling.
After apologizing and buying him a pink fruity drink with a little umbrella, Junho forgave me and smiled. He’s freakishly more masculine than Junsu. The oldest twin gave me the rest of the story, revealing that Junsu had come up with the idea for the Weeny Hats months ago and that’s when Junho bought the domain name and applied for the trademark. That’s right, Junsu was the genius behind those fuzzy little wiener warmers!
“We started knitting right away, the five of us, Junho, Ricky, Jaejoong’s sisters, anyone we could trust basically, was given a pair of knitting needles and put to work,” Junsu said. “Heechul even made a few until he got distracted making tube sock sweaters for his cats,” Yunho added.
With thousands of Weeny Hats already knit and ready for shipment, their fantastical plan fell into place as fans clamored to buy them up. “Don’t worry, we’re not going to run away with the money or anything, we’ve got a plan for that too,” Junho reassured.
The earnings were split into three categories. First, the boys used the money to buy their way out of their contracts (contract break pending due to SM’s slow ass accountant who is still “going over” the numbers). With the remaining money, the boys gave 70% to their favorite charities (won’t Babs be thrilled!) and 30% went to the start up costs of their new entertainment company which…are you sitting down? Junsu is the CEO. Bubble butt got himself a big ass corporate title.
“My baby bro has an IQ of 169,” Junho ruffled Junsu’s hair, causing him to purr in a freaky, yet adorable manner. “He’s the brains-“
“And the ass!” Jaejoong piped in.
“-of all our operations,” Yoochun said. The boys took a moment to raise a toast in Junsu’s name while I checked the time on my phone to make sure I hadn’t entered the effing Twilight Zone. No offense, Junsu, you’re a whole lot of eye and ear candy to a whole lot of girls, but um, CEO!?
“So anyway,” Jaejoong started rambling so I whipped out my mini recorder so I could splice it up later to make it sound like he was asking me out on a date. “We’re also throwing a huge celebration at an amusement park for our fans, just like we promised!” After offering sexual favors to whoever wanted them for VIP passes, I laughed it off as a joke when the only response I received was a frisky looking smile from the male waiter that whizzed by with another round of pina coladas.
But as I asked about the mysterious human shaped garbage bag that Ricky had been seen wheeling away, I felt a small warm hand on my upper thigh, hidden from view by the edge of the table. Glancing to my right, I found Junsu licking his lips at me, leering in a way that I was familiar with-a straight man’s crude attempt to whisk a girl off her feet (and shit, it works half the time, doesn’t it ladies?).
“Oh, that was a bag of Weeny Hats that Yoohwan and I had been knitting at home. We had to get them to Yunho and Changmin for shipment somehow, so a late night body dump seemed like a good cover up,” Yoochun said as Junsu’s sneaky little fingers skimmed the bottom of my shorts.
I gave Changmin one last shot at me by winking and tossing my hair over my shoulder, but he grabbed Yoochun’s hand and held it, thus silently declaring that I had no chance with the bean stalk singer after all.
“So…” I sputtered out, swatting at Junsu’s clammy hand under the table. “Junho, what is your IQ?” Junho answered but I have no idea what he said because Junsu stood up and pulled me into his arms, shushing me with a finger to my lips. I believe I squeaked out a small help, but those damn gay boys hooted him on while I wriggled in horror.
The rest I cannot tell you, I signed a confidentiality agreement, but I can say that Junsu is most certainly straight and he most certainly propositioned the reporter that fled the country for sexual favors. So the angry mob burned her house down for no reason.
I can also say that I’m quitting my job as a reporter at Totally Fake Crack News and auditioning to be a trainee in their new entertainment company so I can be around them always. If you think the TVXQ spell is strong from the distance of just being a fan, try breaking it after you’ve met them, it’s a futile task, my dearies, you might as well give in and succumb to their magical powers.
And that, my dear TVXQ fans, is the story behind the incredible events that took the world by surprise. I have no proof that Kim Junsu’s IQ is 169, but after the things he did said to me, I can assure you, he’s an effing genius!
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a/n: I hope you all enjoyed the final chapter of Crack News! Sorry for the long wait ~