Unfinished 28

[ayanna_wildfire]

This one's unfinished, but I need some kind of response to it... I want to know if it's too cheesy or too corny or what....so... I'm putting this up so hopefully someone will tell me one way or the other.

Comments

[nate_z]

First, you need to pick a tense. It starts in present and shifts to past, it's disorienting.

And aside from that and a few typos, it's pretty good. No idea how to end it though. Ending these types of scenes is awlays a pain.

(And even knowing what this would be, it still sounded dirty...)

[ayanna_wildfire]

I blame it on being tired.

Thanx bro. I'll fix it up... somehow.

[anibus_jay]

Well, finally found the time to read this and it's not bad. However I feel like the scene is lacking. Perhaps you could have Wildfire go through more of an emotional roller-coaster since this was suppose to be one of her best friends. It just seemed a little dry to me, since she was angry at the other bots in the scene, but never lets it out.

It's up to you were you wanna go with it, but that's the way I see it. It's still good though, and hope to see more.

^_^

~jay~