Not Alone 一人じゃない [Oneshot]
~一人じゃない ~
~Hitori Janai~
When Inoo Kei had first come out of the closet and admitted he was gay, frankly, no one was really surprised. Daiki still asked him if he wanted to go bike riding together, Hikaru still invited him over to his house to play video games, and Chinen still made plans to go shopping with him over the weekends. In fact, practically everyone still treated him the same, and JUMP went about rehearsal the same fashion. No one felt like anything really had changed. No one, except for the one person Kei had hoped would change the least.
Kota.
It wasn’t really that Kota was really treating him any differently, but Kei could still feel that something had changed. Something was different about Kota. It felt almost as if he were avoiding Kei now, hesitant to talk to him, but forcing a smile when he did manage to speak up nevertheless. Whenever Kei noticed the avoidance, the hesitance, a sharp stabbing in his chest only worsened the wounding of their friendship. The first time he had noticed Kota’s change was right after the release new single had been announced. Kei had bounded over happily to his best friend’s side to talk to him about how exciting the news was, but at the sound of his approach, Kota had turned his head up to see him, their eyes meeting for a mere second or less, before turning back away, not bothering to acknowledge his presence. The rejection came as the most frightening shock Kei had yet experienced. He never expected his best friend to treat him with such indifference.
It was the first of many times soon after, that his heart would suffer such pain. It was from there, that Kei realized the meaning behind his pain. Why he felt so hurt. He cared for nothing more than Kota’s friendship; he wanted nothing more than Kota’s love.
But before Kei could even begin to object, their relationship’s decline had escalated to the unimaginable state of completely breaking communication. Kota wouldn’t answer any of his morning calls, repeated text messages, playful nudges during practice, or even cheerful greetings passing in the halls. He broke Kei’s heart.
If I had known you were going to treat me like this, I would never have told everyone the truth… It would’ve been better to just keep myself a secret from you all, at least then… we could have been friends.
The emptiness of days between them turned to weeks, and Kei struggled silently to hold back the tears from losing his friend. When it finally became too much, he decided he needed to end this.
“I’m not just a little kid anymore, I’ve known you for so many years now, Kota, I can tell that you’ve been trying to ignore me recently,” Kei frowned, crossing his arms over his chest as he stood in front of the door to prevent Kota from running away from him once more.
“Don’t be silly, I’m not trying to ignore you, Kei,” Kota smiled weakly, attempting to console his upset friend.
“Then how come you haven’t let me talk to you in weeks? I don’t think we’ve ever been so cold towards each other before. You used to be my best friend, Kota. And I thought… I thought you would always be.” Images of their past, all his childhood memories, interrupted by the most recent memories of Kota’s apathy and disregard clouded before Kei’s eyes, flooding his heart with nothing but ache. “I thought… I thought I could always depend on you, Kota, to make me smile, to make me laugh, to make me happy. But now… now you walk away whenever I even try to approach you, and look away whenever I even try to speak to you…” Kei felt burning tears forming in his eyes, his voice quivering with insecurity. “I thought we were friends.” He longingly looked up to meet Kota’s gaze, his voice lined with bitterness. “I thought… I thought you liked me. Why do you hate me, Kota?”
“I-I don’t. I don’t hate you,” Kota immediately refuted, shaking his head violently.
“Then, what? What is it? What is making you do this to me? Why do you insist on torturing me like this? You don’t understand… how much it hurts me inside… How much it makes me feel so… alone…” Shining tears began to etch paths down from Kei’s eyes.
“Kei… don’t cry,” Kota seemed to be on the verge of tears himself, the words tumbling out more harshly than he had meant. “You’re not… you’re not alone.”
He gently reached out to wipe away the tears, but Kei pushed his hand away. “If you’ve abandoned me, how am I not?!” he cried angrily. His intense glare was met only by Kota’s worried gaze.
“Please, don’t cry,” Kota pleaded softly, desperately now.
Kei felt a pang of regret in his heart for shouting at his friend so suddenly, but he couldn’t take back what had already been said. “You can’t try to comfort me by pretending like you care for me again. If you’re just going to deny that you’ve been ignoring me, I’ll deny I ever was even friends with someone like you,” Kei muttered, tearing his eyes away from Kota as he spoke.
“Kei…” Kota murmured, gently touching his hand to Kei’s cheek so the younger boy would return his gaze to him. “Please don’t even say that. I wouldn’t be who am I today if it weren’t for you. You really mean a lot to me, so don’t say that you can just deny our friendship.”
Warmth slowly crept over Kei’s reddening cheeks, his heart skipping a beat at Kota’s gentle touch. “B-But you’re doing that now… by ignoring me,” he managed to protest.
“I know I haven’t been talking to you as much as I used to, but through my lack of words, I’m not saying we’re not friends… I just… I guess I’m just scared of what will happen if I don’t ignore you,” Kota whispered softly, his eyes now averting Kei’s confused gaze.
“What do you mean?” Kei couldn’t help but ask. “Nothing’s changed about me recently… Is it just because I told the group that I could love a guy? Because that hasn’t changed me at all, really! It’s… It’s really been like that for a while now…” Kei admitted slowly, bringing himself to understanding at the same time. “It just… it just took me a while to realize it. But I think I’ve been in love with a guy this entire time.”
Kota’s gaze lowered to the ground, staring dejectedly down at the hard, wooden floor. “That’s what I was afraid of…” he mumbled. “If you already love someone… I can’t be around you.”
“Why not…?” Kei asked slowly, not understanding the meaning behind Kota’s words.
“If I’m around you… I… I-I don’t know! Lately, I’ve just felt so strange inside… Like I wanted nothing but to be with you at all times, but then, knowing you already love someone… I don’t want myself to feel this way towards you. I need to stay away or else I’d just be hurting myself… I think… I-I like you too much.” Kota jumbled answer was just barely comprehensible in Kei’s mind, but slowly, he began to realize what Kota was trying so hard say.
Without warning, a wide smile broke out across Kei’s lips. “I think… you’ve been mistaken, Kota. You don’t have to stay away.” He giggled softly to see Kota’s puzzled expression at his simple statement. “Trust me, I want you to be with me. The someone I love…” He took a deep breath before continuing. “…is you. I love you, Kota. I love you so much it kills me inside every time you turn away. So please, don’t stay away from me,” Kei gently wrapped his arms around Kota’s neck, bringing his lips to softly brush against his friend’s. As he slowly pulled away, Kota smiled gently, and Kei couldn’t help but smile back, murmuring, “You silly, if you had just told me earlier, I could have kissed you sooner.”
~~~
A/N: Wow, it's been a while since I've written Inoobu... xD hopefully the story doesn't seem too short and choppy as it seems to me, but I'm really excited to be writing a JUMP fic again! ^^ I don't know if it seems strange that I like to write for multiple fandoms (I like many JE groups xD), but I really can't see myself ever leaving the JUMP fandom! :) haha is anyone else excited for the several new dramas coming out with jump members in them!? I can't wait to see them acting again~ hopefully that also means they'll release another single soon! Not that I didn't love the adorable rainbow explosion of Magic Power, of course^^