changing fate - chapter four
changing fate
chapter four: torturing memories
What’s this? Tegoshi wondered curiously, peering down into the waste basket he had been tossing the broken shards of the picture frame into. He was careful not to cut his fingers as he gingerly fished a crumpled photo out from under the scattered pieces of glass. He couldn’t understand why, but as he brushed away the straggling glass, his hands were shaking, delicately unfolding the photo.
Immediately, he recognized the picture. He had been looking at it a mere ten minutes ago; at that time, it had still been hanging on the wall.
It’s the picture, the picture of NEWS. But…Why…? Why did Ryo want to throw it away? Tegoshi questioned, puzzled as to what may have caused Ryo to suddenly do such a thing. The glass breaking… was it out of anger? Out of spite? Or was it an accident? Did he mean to destroy it? Destroying memories… could it be… memories… memories of NEWS… memories of Tegoshi? Destroying… me?
Without hesitation, Tegoshi’s eyes scanned the five faces in the photo, searching for Ryo’s Tegoshi. Before, he hadn’t had time to look at the photo carefully, but now, he had his chance. All he had been told was that the boy apparently looked similar to him, but in the photo, he saw no one of the sort. Maybe Ryo just thinks I look like him, and I just don’t see it… Or maybe… Maybe he’s not in this picture… I guess… that means… I guess it might’ve been taken after he… after Tegoshi… disappeared. Tegoshi frowned, realization dawning upon him. Maybe that’s why Ryo wanted to throw it away… it reminded him of a past too painful to forget… or really, I suppose, it is the present…
He did say Tegoshi was a singer… maybe he was a singer in NEWS. I wish I could ask Ryo, find out more about him… but if I’m right, it would be too much to ask for him to do so… it would only deepen his wounds.
Shaking his head softly, Tegoshi placed the photo back into the trash and slowly, with an mysterious feeling of remorse sinking in his heart, he reached out to collect another splinter of glass from the hard, wooden floor.
~~
By the time Ryo returned from his shower, Tegoshi had long finished cleaning up his mess, and had simply retired to the sofa in Ryo’s living room, burying himself in its soft cushions. When Ryo sat down on the pillow beside him, he smiled gently, discovering that Tegoshi had, in fact, fallen asleep waiting for him.
For a second, he hesitated. Telling himself he should just wake the younger boy up, wake him up from his dreams and bring him back to reality. But at the same time, that was the last thing Ryo wanted. He wished Tegoshi could simply remain in his fantasies, keep away from reality, and by doing that, return to his side. But Ryo knew he couldn’t do that just by sleeping. Still, Ryo hoped helplessly that while Tegoshi was still asleep, the younger boy wouldn’t mind if Ryo saw him as his own Tegoshi, imagining as if it was his real friend snoozing beside him, rather than this near stranger.
Ryo’s breath caught in his throat, shallow and wavering. Before he could stop himself, he extended his hand to softly touch a lock of Tegoshi’s hair. The light black wisps tickling his fingertips gradually gave him the courage to slowly run his fingers through Tegoshi’s hair. The tender warmth of intimacy with the younger boy rekindled in Ryo’s heart; it didn’t matter how long they had been apart, Ryo knew that his love for Tegoshi would linger on desperately for always.
Now, the only thing missing was Tegoshi himself.
An inadvertent sigh of air escaped from Ryo’s lips as his fingers gently caressed Tegoshi’s cheeks, the younger boy’s soft skin like silk under his familiar touch. He missed it all, really. Tegoshi’s angelic features, the adorable peacefulness of Tegoshi’s sleeping face, the way Tegoshi seemed to smile when Ryo used his finger to lightly trace the outline of his pink lips…
Out of instinct, it almost seemed, Ryo leaned in slightly, his lips yearning to even just frailly brush Tegoshi’s. It would be just to provide him with some sliver of hope, hope that one day, he could simply be with his Tegoshi again. It would give him hope that his Tegoshi did exist, he was still out there somewhere, and Ryo would one day find him and bring him back to actuality, to love and care for him as he did before any of this devastation had happened. Maybe he would be lucky, he hoped vainly, and somehow, like in a clichéd children’s fairytale, Tegoshi would wake up from his nightmare at the touch of Ryo’s kiss. He knew it was pointless to wish, but he craved to do so nevertheless.
He had nothing left to lose.
But right as he was about to cast his hopes, he stopped himself. He was already so close to Tegoshi’s lips, he could even feel the younger boy’s gentle breath grazing his cheek. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t force himself onto Tegoshi like this. He knew the younger boy would never have wanted him to. Rather than lean away, however, Ryo preserved his last moment of closeness with Tegoshi, closing his eyes to feel the warmth of Tegoshi’s breaths and the rapid beating of his own heart.
Just then, Tegoshi eyes slowly began to flutter open. Ryo immediately pulled away, sitting up straight, claiming the spot beside Tegoshi on the sofa.
“Ryo?” Tegoshi mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he sat up slowly, yawning as he stretched out his arms. “Sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep,” he giggled softly, obviously not having noticed Ryo had been at his side for so long already. “Is there something wrong?” He asked, noticing that Ryo was staring at him with a sad loneliness reflected in his eyes, or maybe it was fright again.
“N-No…” Ryo murmured softly, averting his eyes from Tegoshi. It was beginning to feel too overwhelming to even just look at him anymore… It was mockery, teasing him that Tegoshi was still there. “It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure?” Tegoshi asked quietly, his gaze turning downcast seeing Ryo’s avoidance. I was right… it does hurt him to just be around me… “I think I should go,” He began hesitantly, about to get up from the sofa. But before the thought could finish processing through his mind, Ryo impulsively pulled Tegoshi’s thin frame into his arms in a gentle embrace.
“Tego…” Ryo whispered. “Please, just stay with me a little longer… just a little longer…”
As Ryo voiced his begging request, Tegoshi winced at a sharp pain suddenly stabbing at his heart. “I-I…”
“Please,” Ryo pleaded, tightening his hug just ever so desperately. “Please… Don’t leave me again…”
“O-Okay,” Tegoshi nodded earnestly, pulling away from Ryo’s arms. The sudden closeness of their bodies was scaring him. To Tegoshi, it felt like being around the older boy was tearing Ryo apart, but still, something was holding him back, clinging him to Tegoshi. Tegoshi didn’t know why or where this overpowering clinging was stemming from, but he told himself to give in to the older boy; he couldn’t just leave Ryo like this, not when he was so… frail. Tegoshi tried to disregard the pain that was gnawing at his heart.
Out of conscience, or perhaps out of an anxious need for a simple topic of conversation, Tegoshi decided to confess an inner secret to Ryo. A secret he had wanted to tell him ever since he had found out who exactly Ryo was. “You know…” he began quietly. “I actually was interested in joining Johnny’s, too, when I was in ninth grade. My mom asked me if I wanted to go audition, and I was fully intent on taking the chance, but…”
“Wait… what happened?” Ryo blurted out, his expression immediately morphed to shock as his interest suddenly sparked; he was too impatient for his explanation. This was the one event that would have changed everything - it would explain everything. If Tegoshi had never auditioned for Johnny’s, his life and Ryo’s would have never crossed paths. But what had happened to change this event? What had happened to cause Tegoshi to disappear from his side?
As if out of want to answer his question, Tegoshi slowly continued. “I backed out at the last second. It was my fault… I was too scared… scared of what other people would think of me if I really did join the agency. What would happen if they didn’t go crazy over me? What would happen if I wasn’t even able to make it in?” Tegoshi laughed sadly, in regret of his former arrogance. “I was too scared about my own image… I was too conceited. Besides, I thought I was too late. I thought I’d be older than most of the other boys who were auditioning, and I’d be at a disadvantage even if I did make it in, having less experience than most others my age. I guess I was just too scared to face being looked down upon… how stuck-up does that sound?” Tegoshi sighed, shaking his head in shame. “Meeting you now, so many years later, I really wonder, what if…” he paused abruptly, troubled by his own curiosity. “What if I had gone to audition? Maybe I would’ve been put into one of the same groups as you, Ryo.” A sheepish smile found its way across Tegoshi’s lips, as if he found the thought amusing. “Maybe I… Maybe I would’ve been in NEWS,” he added timidly, testing Ryo’s reaction as he thought back to the photo that had been thrown in the trash
Ryo couldn’t form the words to answer; it was like all of a sudden, he had lost the ability to speak. Once again, Ryo just didn’t know what to say to Tegoshi. Uncomforting soundlessness became his only reply.
“I guess… it was one of those crossroads,” Tegoshi continued to smile softly, innocently, not realizing he was torturing Ryo inside. “One of those decisions in life that you’ll always look back on and wonder what would’ve happened if you had chosen a different path. What would my life have been like if I had summoned up the courage to put aside my arrogance and simply pursue my dreams? Would I be… someone else? Would I have become…”
“My Tegoshi?” Ryo finished for him, guessing where Tegoshi’s thoughts were leading to. His eyes darkened with wariness.
“Maybe,” Tegoshi nodded, a deeper sadness suppressed in his smile. “Maybe we would’ve been friends.”
“Maybe we would’ve been more than friends…” Ryo murmured inwardly, his eyes flickering upward to meet Tegoshi’s for a brief second. And for that one second, Ryo saw a flash of remorse in his friend’s distressed expression.
In that one second, he felt his heart break.
“Ryo… Do you think… we still could be?” Tegoshi asked shyly. “F-Friends, I mean,” he quickly elaborated, not wanting Ryo to get any strange ideas in wondering what he had meant by his question.
At first, Ryo expression twisted with confliction. With a sigh, he smiled finally. “Why not?” he got up from the sofa and extended his hand out to Tegoshi. “Come on, as a friend, I want to show you something,” he offered with false cheerfulness.
“O-Oh, okay,” Tegoshi beamed back, accepting Ryo’s hand to help him stand up. With a gentle pull, Ryo began to lead him up the stairs, careful not to loosen his hold on his hand as they ascended each step. Shyly, Tegoshi’s eyes drifted down to their hands, the warmth of their intertwined fingers bringing unexpected warmth all the way to his cheeks. But just as Ryo opened the door to one of the upstairs rooms, his hand slipped out of Tegoshi’s grasp, and the warmth faded away. The biting emptiness that followed served as a reminder for Tegoshi to stop himself from experiencing such strange sensations. He was beginning to realize that being with Ryo was having some sort of extraordinary effect on him, he couldn’t yet describe it with words, but his feelings were all there. However, what those feelings actually were, he wasn’t exactly sure.
Pain, for one. Pain always seemed to be present in his heart when he was with Ryo. Pain and… warmth, but it wasn’t simple ordinary warmth, it was… different… a pleasant warmth, not like that from a hot summer’s day… and that other feeling… what was it… was it… shyness? It didn’t make sense. Everything just didn’t make sense. It was only confusing him further by thinking about it. Before he stepped into the room, Tegoshi decided to squeeze his eyes shut, in an attempt to block out those feelings, to put a stop to the confusion, swirling in his mind. Ryo turned around just as he noticed Tegoshi wasn’t following him inside, and saw the younger boy standing in the doorway, not moving, with his eyes closed shut. With a strange smile, he gently pressed a finger into Tegoshi’s cheek, chuckling as it squished softly under his poke.
“What are you doing?” Ryo asked curiously, raising an eyebrow as Tegoshi abruptly blinked open his eyes.
“N-Nothing! What are you doing?” he demanded, flushing instantly and batting away Ryo’s extended finger.
Ryo laughed amusedly, his inner turmoil dissolving at Tegoshi’s adorable reaction. “Just trying to get your attention; it seemed like you had fallen asleep while standing!”
Tegoshi pouted, “I didn’t! I was just…”
“Just what?”
“I… I don’t know,” he admitted hesitantly, he couldn’t think of a better answer. For one thing, there was no way in hell he was going to tell Ryo that he was thinking about… Ryo. “But I wasn’t sleeping!” he insisted.
Ryo sighed softly, not in exasperation, but rather in trying to expel the last of his internal grief as he smiled sincerely once more. “Of course you weren’t. Now, come on, I said I wanted to show you something, but you have to actually enter my room in order for me to do so.” He made a welcoming wave for Tegoshi to come inside.
Tegoshi scrunched his nose in protest, but gave no complaint. As he finally stepped inside and looked around, he noted Ryo’s bedroom being surprisingly tidy. His clothes were all hung up neatly inside an open closet, a nearby desk was littered with merely a few sheets of staff paper but otherwise remained uncluttered, and an acoustic guitar was placed beside the foot of the bed, where it leaned on the side of a tall bookcase that, although had some rather vacant shelves, reached up to the ceiling. “So what did you want to show me?” he asked, once he had followed Ryo’s gestures to sit down across from him, at the head of his bed.
“Something I thought might… be interesting for you,” Ryo phrased his words with care, trying not to let the tone of eagerness into his voice. He had thought of one last idea, one last try, to awaken his friend in Tegoshi. But if this didn’t work… he had run out of ideas, and he knew hope would soon trail behind. Reaching behind him to pull his guitar into his lap, Ryo smiled, his hidden sorrow returning, shrouded in his eyes. “You just have to listen, okay?” he murmured softly.
Tegoshi nodded, smiling back happily, excited to hear some of Ryo’s music.
With one last nod, Ryo’s eyes drifted down to the guitar in his hands, pressing down his fingers in preparation for the first chord, and with one last breath, he plunged into the song.
Dore dake aruite kitan darou
Furimuitara namida no ato
Kizutsuke kizutsuki tadoritsuita basho
Ima koko ni kimi ga iru
Ai Nante…
Ryo closed his eyes. He felt his fingers strumming and his lips moving, his voice was singing, but in his mind… he wasn’t. In his mind, he was crying.
He knew “Ai Nante” had been a precious song for his Tegoshi; he had said himself that he loved the meaning held by the lyrics and Ryo himself loved how Tegoshi’s voice was suited perfectly for its near-haunting beauty. Just being allowed to record it with him had been an honor for Ryo. Singing in front of him now, however, was torture.
~~~
A/N: Well because school's just irritating and I've had more school work this last week than I had during any given week last year... I've put off posting for longer than even I would like... >< arghh... and im angry at my internet for continuously breaking. continuously. Also, I'm getting annoyed at my browser for making my copied text formatted strangely.. But oh well! xD Anyway, sorry for the delay! Chapter five should be coming out soon! (I hope! x3 as long as my internet doesn't troll me again =____=)
EDIT: and sorry for getting back to all your comments so late... my internet annoys me so much, and plus, i've just been killed by homework. quite literally. >.> bah, well i do have to say, even if i dont reply quickly, it really has made my day to finally get around to replying, thank you so much! ^^ Ai Nante is really a meaningful song for me, it's one of my favorites, and I listen to it a lot to block out the hardships of life.... like whenever bad things happen, it's always Ai Nante on repeat :) It's a song that gives me hope, reminding me of everything I've been through and survived, and of everything that has yet to come. The hearfelt emotions Tegoshi portrays through Ai Nante never cease to amaze me, and even moreso when he sing live. I love it. Because of this, Ai Nante is really important for this story as well, so I hope you'll look forward to how it'll change things between ryo and tego from here on out :)