Thinking of You - Chapter Twelve
~君思う~
~Thinking of You~
Chapter 12: You.
That night, Ryosuke found himself before Chinen’s front door.
Should I really do this?
He already knew the answer -- Yes.
When would be the best time to approach him?
He knew this one, too -- Now.
How? Was the problem to which he could find no solution.
Back and forth Ryosuke paced, and still no answer came. Night soon fell, and the first stars of the evening began to twinkle in the darkness swirling above.
I should just do it, shouldn’t I? Ryosuke asked himself decidedly. As soon as he turned around to knock on the door, however, he stopped. If Chinen’s parents were home, he couldn’t bear to imagine how awkward this situation would be. Besides, he could hardly even find the voice within himself to confront Chinen about this, let alone speak to him about it. Wracking his mind, an idea suddenly popped into Ryosuke’s head.
Pulling out his cell phone, he sent Chinen a text, “Come to your bedroom window.” He prayed that his friend would listen.
Ryosuke stood in a clearing from where he could be seen from Chinen’s window, and then pulled his sketchbook and a marker out of his backpack. A minute passed… two…
Then slowly, Chinen’s shadow appeared behind the glass. Ryosuke smiled in relief. Quickly scribbling on his sketchbook, he wrote in big, black words. “Chinen… please forgive me,” he whispered, reiterating what he had written.
Seeing the sign, Chinen’s face remained expressionless. The moment suspended as neither boy moved, they simply stood, thoughts lost in one another. His eyes unreadable to Ryosuke, Chinen lowered his gaze, casting his face into shadow. Then, he turned and walked away.
All the hope that had built up within Ryosuke, in want of reconciling with his beloved friend, was immediately trampled into the barren earth. His heart felt like it was plummeting down a bottomless chasm of hopelessly dark despair. Dropping his arms down dejectedly at his sides, Ryosuke turned away slowly in quiet defeat.
In the silence, two knocks rang out like tolling bells, signifying Ryosuke’s revival. He spun around, eyes wide. Chinen had returned to his window. He was holding up a whiteboard, with the single word, “Why?” written across the glossy surface.
Although he hadn’t yet succeeded in bringing his friend back, Ryosuke’s hope swelled. Now he knew that Chinen was at least willing to hear him out. Flipping to the next page in his notebook, he quickly wrote out his heart’s cries.
“Please, forgive me! We-” No, Ryosuke hurriedly crossed out the last word. “I miss your friendship. I miss you being you. I miss you so much, I’m suffering without you” Stopping, Ryosuke held up the board to Chinen’s view. He hoped that Chinen would realize his sincerity.
Chinen discarded him with a mere, “I don’t believe you”
Ryosuke bit his lip, unable to properly express his heart-felt words. He turned the page. “Rehearsals have lost their magic, their fun, their sparkle, without you. I need you there, please…”
Chinen erased his board. “How can I know to trust you?” he wrote back. “I can’t trust anyone. I feel myself falling… falling into darkness. There, I don’t need to trust anyone, not even you.”
Ryosuke’s grip tightened on his spiral as he saw Chinen’s eyes cast forlornly into the deep night. Despite his friend’s rebuff, Ryosuke remained adamant. “Trust me… I will catch you as you fall. I will save you.”
Chinen froze, though his heart had been moved by his friend’s words. A single tear rolled gently down his cheek, shimmering as it reflected in the dim starlight. Erasing his board one last time, Chinen slowly wobbled his pen across the white surface.
“But no one can save me… I don’t need or want anyone’s friendship”
“Please, Chinen, let me-” Ryosuke hesitated, his hand wavering in midair as he wrote. “Let me protect you. I don’t need or want you to accept my friendship….
“Take my love, instead.”
As Ryosuke slowly unveiled his unspoken works from the darkness, he nervously gazed up at the Chinen whose eyes were now reading his confession. The little boy was stunned, at a loss for words. Immediately, his figure vanished as Chinen disappeared into his room.
Another crestfallen expression etched its way across Ryosuke’s face for the second time that night, as his eyes fogged over with what he didn’t want to believe were tears.
I’ve been rejected… H-He just ran away…
Suddenly, the front door of Chinen’s home burst open and Chinen ran to the stunned Ryosuke that was standing mere feet away.
“A-Are you being serious?” Chinen asked quietly as soon as he faced the older boy.
Ryosuke had no other choice but to nod. “Everything I wrote… it’s all true.” Shyly, Ryosuke extended his arms around his friend’s trembling body.
“I love you, Chinen. I am so, so sorry for hurting you. I can’t believe I would ever hurt you… but I did. And I regret it with my everything. Please, forgive me,” Ryosuke murmured as he leaned his head onto Chinen’s shoulder.
“I-I…” Chinen stammered, unsure of how to respond. His heart was racing inexplicably, and an unknown warmth was slowly building inside him, a feeling of tenderness merging alongside a wave of emotions he had never felt towards his friend before. “I-I don’t know what’s going on… Ryosuke…”
“It’s okay,” the older boy smiled warmly as he pulled away from the embrace. “I just wanted you to know… I truly am sorry.” As he spoke, Ryosuke gently brushed away a strand of loose hair that had fallen over Chinen’s beautiful, shining eyes, making the little boy’s cheeks glow a soft pink.
“I forgive you…” Chinen whispered softly.
***
Silence draped over the two trapped BEST members as they sat, distanced apart, at two opposite sides of the room. The unexpected hug had left the atmosphere barren and simply put, uncomfortable.
Although it was nearing two in the morning, Kota refused to succumb to sleep. He was fulfilling what he considered to be his duty, watching over Kei. Kei, on the other hand, had only one thing on his mind: his bed. Its warm, soft covers were so inviting compared to the cold, hard cemented floor that served as his current form of shelter. But even in his unwelcoming surroundings, Kei was tired; he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in what seemed to be an eternity. He always seemed to have troubles and worries thundering in his mind, whether about Kota, about Daiki, about Chinen, about Yuya, about JUMP.
Tonight wasn’t any better, but nevertheless, Kei’s mind was so weary, he simply fell into slumber. Kota smiled as he saw Kei nodding off, reminiscing the times when the younger boy had done exactly so, but fallen asleep in his arms.
You always work so hard, worry so much, trying to pretend as if you can handle everything life throws your way… but in truth, you shouldn’t, Kei. You’re going to hurt yourself from trying so hard… Kota remembered himself saying to his friend, back when his hug would have been lovingly accepted.
At the time, the sleeping Kei in his arms had given no reply, but Kota knew if Kei had, he would’ve insisted that he would be alright, that Kota didn’t have to care so much. Deep down, Kota knew this, but he didn’t mind. He only prayed that one day, Kei would come to reciprocate his unrequited love.
Getting up quietly to approach the sleeping boy, Kota sat himself down beside Kei. Studying the gentle, beautiful features he couldn’t help but love, Kota smiled as he tenderly traced his slender finger over Kei’s pale lips.
Our first kiss… do you still remember? I didn’t even have a chance to reply to your confession before you softly touched your lips to mine. The innocence, the bliss, I’ll never forget… Will you?
As if in response to his question, Kei shivered, closing himself off from Kota as he brought his arms closer to hug his own body. Kota frowned, immediately taking off his own jacket to drape over Kei’s trembling figure. At the sudden heat, Kei seemed to smile in his sleep, as if he was content, knowing Kota’s presence was there. Kota gently pressed his lips to Kei’s forehead, smiling at the younger boy’s adorableness.
Kei, you stole my heart, but I don’t ever want it back…
***
At two in the morning, Daiki Arioka was having trouble falling asleep. What have I done? He kept asking himself, guilt clawing at his defenseless mind. What came over me? Why would I ever even think to hurt my friends?
Was it… was it the attention? The recognition? The spotlight? The power? I let it go to my head… Daiki sighed dejectedly as he turned over onto his side on his mattress. I was so easily corrupted… will JUMP ever forgive me? I doubt I can even forgive myself at this point. Kei was right… I did hurt people… especially Yuya, one of my longest, closest friends, and Chinen, one of my dearest, most beloved friends.
Yuya was always there for me and Chinen valued our friendship so much he came to me when he was feeling so insecure. I should have cherished their friendship… all of JUMP’s love.
But instead, I scorned it, marred it, destroyed it. I don’t deserve to be forgiven… I can only beg for them to do so. Daiki turned over onto his other side, trying to block out the possibility that he would not, in fact, be forgiven.
Kei will forgive me, at least. He always seemed to believe in me, believe that I would realize what I now know.
I belong with JUMP.
I need to go back… but will they allow my return? Daiki bit his lip and turned back onto his other side, trying not to think about the negative feelings.
I have to remember to thank Kei later… when this is all over. He really has been a good friend. I guess that’s what friends are for… unless I don’t count as a friend anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to ostracize me for what horrors I’ve committed. Like Kei said, I not only hurt myself, but JUMP as a whole, as well. With all that’s happened, will we be able to salvage our precious bonds of friendship?