(no subject)
I think I need to cry, but honestly I'm just not going to think about that possibility until I get home. I'm quite good at putting things off.
Far too good sometimes.
I have a need to capture these fractions of my life where I feel something so strongly whether it be wonderful or wonderfully ugly. This time it's wonderfully grotesque. So I'm sat outside a cancer charity shop trying to gulp down my emotion into my gut with water and numb it with nicotine.
Even though I never thought I was pretty or charismatic enough for him... Since he's been back it's been different, because I'm different, and today was one of those days where you feel you just work as a complete and my tongue was quick and my hair was nice and I caught him with his body language all in my direction and I made flirty remarks and actual conversation and wasn't shy.
And it was during that conversation that I discovered he's seeing someone and so when his eyes light up when he talks to me it's probably just because he notices mine do that.
It's so damn ironic that she's the same type as me. I never say this about anyone usually and his ex was much prettier than me, but she's not.
All that time last year when something felt imminent but I didn't feel good enough and it made me miserable.
I wish this didn't hurt so much. I need to drive now so I'm going to stop here. FML.
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