the sky has never been so blue
so... i kissed her.
it was something i needed to do, and im glad i did. so incredibly stupid, but who says love is smart? haha i'm surprisingly so much better since last night. instead of talking and talking and talking... i did something. and the whole time i thought about how i wanted to, i thought it would make her want me... i thought it would make her instantly realize how much she still needs me.
well, she doesn't. she doesn't want me, need me. i've needed her, i've needed someone, something for such a long time now. i never thought kissing her would clear up so much for ME.
everyone keeps asking me what i want. she has, my friends have, my family, ME. i needed to know what i wanted, what i still want.
i need to be on my own. i need to experience things, figure things out. i havent done that because ive still been so caught up. for the past 8 months, ive been in a relationship with my past. i need to look at now, at the future.
im not saying i dont want her, that i dont want love. i LOVE kissing her, but i let her walk away. ive tried to stop her for so long, ive only hoped she would be the one to turn around and run back. im not saying i wont get caught up, i wont be drawn back in occasionally (she has such a good way of doing that), but im happy with me. I LOVE ME. im happy with who ive grown into :)
even if one day, one HOUR, from now I feel upset or like i'm going through the same stuff... im so happy ive had this clarity. it feels amazing. i need to just keep reminding myself that i DO know what i want and who i am, and other people know that too :)
hahaha i've needed this for so long.
p.s. watched the final season of queer as folk finally. i couldnt for so long because i just didnt want it to end, but it was amazing, of course. i grew up with that (at least in my gay life, haha). i started watching when i came out and have watched since then. more on that late :)
it was something i needed to do, and im glad i did. so incredibly stupid, but who says love is smart? haha i'm surprisingly so much better since last night. instead of talking and talking and talking... i did something. and the whole time i thought about how i wanted to, i thought it would make her want me... i thought it would make her instantly realize how much she still needs me.
well, she doesn't. she doesn't want me, need me. i've needed her, i've needed someone, something for such a long time now. i never thought kissing her would clear up so much for ME.
everyone keeps asking me what i want. she has, my friends have, my family, ME. i needed to know what i wanted, what i still want.
i need to be on my own. i need to experience things, figure things out. i havent done that because ive still been so caught up. for the past 8 months, ive been in a relationship with my past. i need to look at now, at the future.
im not saying i dont want her, that i dont want love. i LOVE kissing her, but i let her walk away. ive tried to stop her for so long, ive only hoped she would be the one to turn around and run back. im not saying i wont get caught up, i wont be drawn back in occasionally (she has such a good way of doing that), but im happy with me. I LOVE ME. im happy with who ive grown into :)
even if one day, one HOUR, from now I feel upset or like i'm going through the same stuff... im so happy ive had this clarity. it feels amazing. i need to just keep reminding myself that i DO know what i want and who i am, and other people know that too :)
hahaha i've needed this for so long.
p.s. watched the final season of queer as folk finally. i couldnt for so long because i just didnt want it to end, but it was amazing, of course. i grew up with that (at least in my gay life, haha). i started watching when i came out and have watched since then. more on that late :)