(no subject)
What is wrong with me? My parents keep asking, but I don't know. I keep feeling like... I want to be quiet, hush, hush... no sound... but they think I'm turning into Coree'... and I am. I'm locking myself in my room all the time, calling people on my cell phone, reading a lot MORE, writing too much, drawing things... hearing my parents fight, but not listening. I went to put my dad's card on the table, and my mom said, "Go to bed Sarita." I feel like it's a slowly sinking ship at my house. What am I supposed to do? Don't answer that. And don't say, "I don't know..." either. I know you don't know. I don't want to hear it. My mom said we were going on a "picnic" on Mt. Lemon on Sunday. She expected a huge reaction. I gave her a nod and said, "That's nice." What more could I say? My dad's coming. That means he'll be ordering us around, and if he says, "Jump" we have to ask, "How high?" I hate that about my dad. I hate that he got mad at me for laughing at his half-baked sunburned body. He doles it out to us, and yet, he can't take it in. I hate that.
Why does it matter? You ask. It matters because everyone is fighting with SOMEONE in this house, all the time, and I just get too damn tired of it. I want to tell someone OTHER than Miki (which is reading this now) because piling it on her doesn't make anything better. I know who I want to tell. But I can't. Obviously. For all I know he doesn't even exist. And don't say, "You can pile it on me, that's what I'm here for." You're not. He was in my dream last night... and I got to hug him. I wish I could do that in real life. But instead, I get yelled at and told I have years ahead to "work". I like working. I really do. Even if it is scullery work. I like it. I like the people, the place, and the things I have to do are petty. Despite having 5 paramedics come look at a chopped up nail.
People say I wanted them to come. Does it look like I wanted them to come? Don't answer that! I just wanted a band-aid. I mean, how hard would it have been to get me a band-aid? Not very hard. I know. Glad someone agrees with me. I felt really odd last night. Why? Stop asking questions. I'm tired of them. I felt odd because I just didn't know what I could say to my mom. I did hear and understand what was being fought about. Something about apologizing. Face it Rodriguez Family: You are dysfunctional, broken, and ready to collapse. Doesn't anyone else SEE THAT?! Don't answer my fucking questions.
What is going on? Again, not a peep. I mean, my family is becoming a hassle, instead of a life. They want me to stay here for college. I want to go to the U of A, of course, but... I'm confused. I don't know if I want to stay or go. I hate my house. They're just waiting to kick me out like they did Coree'. They're reliving the situation. I hate that. I'm not Coree'. I'm SARITA. S-A-R-I-T-A. If they have deep set issues with that, that's what Carol Blatter was for. I have a follow up appointment on the 21st, and I don't want to go. I don't want to see Blatchford. No. It's funny. I haven't been exercising ALL WEEK, and I lost a pound. I'm starting to wonder what's going on. I don't just loose weight like that... what's going on? STOP IT! I'M SICK OF YOUR ANSWERS! I know, you "didn't say anything". Well I've got news for you, (and by the word "YOU" I mean whoever's reading this.) I don't need your advice, I'll follow your OLD advice and ask myself my own questions and answer them myself too! And I don't need to vent. You're reading this because you're either a) nosey or b) bored as hell.
Well I'm going now. I'm tired and I'd much rather leave myself to myself.