it seems so unclear what is so plainly in front of me
well ....
today is just one of those days... those days that i know come but wish went away or never existed. those kind of self reflecting completely useless days when you wonder why ...why? does this happen for a reason? should i make this decision? or the ever more popular and personally most despised.. what did i do wrong?
yea... it is definitly one of those days. like i said so many times before nothing seems to work out for me. i dont know if it is a curse.. or i just dont deserve to be happy.. either one would be perfectly exceptable and totally believeable.
i seriously think that my personality is way too strong for people... which sucks.. bacuase most of the guys that i am attracted to are quiet and self reserved... meanwhile i am just this huge loud crazy ball of fire... who probably intimidates and scares the shit out of half those guys that i like ...if not all.......................
so i guess either way i am sscrewed. i had to add that extra "S" on screwed to show to you the perplexity of that "screwedness"... lol
i mean i spent alot of time talking to elora today and she just makes a lot of sense as i probably sound to her. and she brought out a lot of points that me "the ever wise consequential thinker" would have never thought of before... i felt extremely enlightened yet in the same sense doumbfounded .. if that is even humanly possible? leave it to me to stun humanity ..right?
well it is these days , like today that cause my complete demise. demise in the snse that i tear my self apart. you know if one saying if any is true it is "you are your own worst critic"
i will stand behind that till the day i am under the earth.
the more i think about when i am going to move out the more i realize how hard it is going to be .. but whats sad is that i rather have it hard then go through this kind of overprotection and drowning love at home. i know it is sad to say that they love me too much but i need to be able to grow up!!!
i have dealt with so much that children and teenagers should have never even seen nor even thought of. nontheless i got through them just like evrything in my life... but i get no credit for it. i mean my parents check behind me but for no good reason. i never give them reasons to not trust me. plus i am almost 18!!!
WTF??
but let me not get too much deeper into this argument .. because i my head might just explode. i just want to be able to hang out with friends and not get questions asked like a 12 year old would. if i havent smoked yet i wont ever.. and if i havent drank alcohol or had sex there is a good chance that i wont abuse it when i get older. i am not a lowlife and i resent getting treaten like a lying child. see.. i told you my head is going to explode...lol
i even have adults telling me that i need to finally be independant. because as long as i stay in my house my parents are going to try everything in their crazy power to make it where i totally and completely dependant on them... uuhhhhhhhhhhccckkkk
ok.. well i am going to stop now.. i think..
this was just an extreme amount of feelings that needed to be let out.. i mean i would write this all down on paper but my crazy ass mom might go in my room again , hunt it down and read all of my private thoughts like she did with every past diary, journal or though sheet i ever owned. uhhhcccccvkkkkk again!!!
they still thank god havent found out about this little livejournal thing.. i have had it since 2004... but see why should i have to hide something like this?... i shouldnt have to sneak around and try to cover up my tracks like i am....
well yea...
i think i am finally done. thank the lord... lol
i am feeling somewhat better..
i have just been needing this. well yea i guess i just have to wait untill 18 , which cant come soon enough.. believe me.. but i do want it to be made clear that i love my parents very much because i know,... i know that they love me... but if they would only see that i am not a little girl anymore.. and i have been protecting myself since i was 8. ever since my real dad left. so i am no stranger to independance.
well i have said a novels full...
love me
michelle