How is this family unlike all other families?
Was involved in a surprising conversation last night. A young woman is working out exactly how to introduce her (much older) boyfriend to the parental units. (There are other complicating factors, but one step at a time.)
Now, she is a grown woman, of legal age in all 50 states, but because she is still young has not been fully accepted as an adult by her parents. I know that this is a problem that many parents struggle with. Intellectually they know the child is grown, but emotionally the desire to think of them still as children is often too strong to resist. This has been taken advantage of by many a young adult - thus the "failure to launch" problem that seems so prevalent these days.
So we discussed what defined adulthood for women. The answers were varied, and as far as I was concerned frankly shocking.
One woman (not present) had told others that in her family you weren't a woman until your first divorce.
Another said that in her family it was defined by surviving your first bout of cancer.
Even having a child of your own was not always sufficient to be granted full adult status, regardless of your age when the child was born.
And there was always this undercurrent of needing/wanting the parents approval and acknowledgement. Really?
My parents raised my older siblings and I to become fully functioning adults. As soon as I was old enough to kibbitz on card games, I was plonked in a chair and taught the game - and no quarter was given to the fact that I was only 3 or 4 years old. If I understood that much, then I was to join the adults.
My parents understood that they were raising their children to be full members of society. We all were taught the skills we would need: cooking meals, washing clothes, working out a budget, going to vote. When each of us finished high school (an achievement neither of them had reached), we were welcomed into adult society, with all the responsibilities that involved. That also meant that what we did with our lives was no longer their business. We were free to make our own choices, even stupid ones. And we were under no illusion that they would automatically bail us out if things got hairy.
Was that tough love? I don't think so. If they had had to prop us up again they would have considered that they had failed as parents. They didn't agree with all our decisions (my mom, for one, thought I was making a mistake marrying when I did, despite the fact that she had wed at age 17), but they never, to my knowledge, backed away from the concept that we were adults - perhaps not the smartest, most mature adults, but still adults.
Hearing someone not much younger than me say that I didn't understand because I was too far removed from having been young (and besides, I wasn't still dealing with my mother like they were since my mom has been gone many a year) irritates. Yes, I do understand; I understand that even at your age you refuse to live authentically and openly as who you are. I understand that you lie by omission to people you want acceptance from, thus making it impossible for them to give you the full acceptance you crave. I understand that you fear that revealing your true self would cause the people who gave birth to you and who raised you an opportunity to reject you. This means you consider their love conditional: as long as you follow their paradigm, everything's fine - but if the smoke and mirrors you use to hide yourself were to be stripped away they would no longer love you. How sad a commentary is that? Who do you trust less - them, or your ability to deal with their potential disapproval?
I am who I am. Don't tell me how I should be; that's not your choice to make. I hold the power of my life, and I would rather live authentically amongst a few than live a lie surrounded by millions.
Now, she is a grown woman, of legal age in all 50 states, but because she is still young has not been fully accepted as an adult by her parents. I know that this is a problem that many parents struggle with. Intellectually they know the child is grown, but emotionally the desire to think of them still as children is often too strong to resist. This has been taken advantage of by many a young adult - thus the "failure to launch" problem that seems so prevalent these days.
So we discussed what defined adulthood for women. The answers were varied, and as far as I was concerned frankly shocking.
One woman (not present) had told others that in her family you weren't a woman until your first divorce.
Another said that in her family it was defined by surviving your first bout of cancer.
Even having a child of your own was not always sufficient to be granted full adult status, regardless of your age when the child was born.
And there was always this undercurrent of needing/wanting the parents approval and acknowledgement. Really?
My parents raised my older siblings and I to become fully functioning adults. As soon as I was old enough to kibbitz on card games, I was plonked in a chair and taught the game - and no quarter was given to the fact that I was only 3 or 4 years old. If I understood that much, then I was to join the adults.
My parents understood that they were raising their children to be full members of society. We all were taught the skills we would need: cooking meals, washing clothes, working out a budget, going to vote. When each of us finished high school (an achievement neither of them had reached), we were welcomed into adult society, with all the responsibilities that involved. That also meant that what we did with our lives was no longer their business. We were free to make our own choices, even stupid ones. And we were under no illusion that they would automatically bail us out if things got hairy.
Was that tough love? I don't think so. If they had had to prop us up again they would have considered that they had failed as parents. They didn't agree with all our decisions (my mom, for one, thought I was making a mistake marrying when I did, despite the fact that she had wed at age 17), but they never, to my knowledge, backed away from the concept that we were adults - perhaps not the smartest, most mature adults, but still adults.
Hearing someone not much younger than me say that I didn't understand because I was too far removed from having been young (and besides, I wasn't still dealing with my mother like they were since my mom has been gone many a year) irritates. Yes, I do understand; I understand that even at your age you refuse to live authentically and openly as who you are. I understand that you lie by omission to people you want acceptance from, thus making it impossible for them to give you the full acceptance you crave. I understand that you fear that revealing your true self would cause the people who gave birth to you and who raised you an opportunity to reject you. This means you consider their love conditional: as long as you follow their paradigm, everything's fine - but if the smoke and mirrors you use to hide yourself were to be stripped away they would no longer love you. How sad a commentary is that? Who do you trust less - them, or your ability to deal with their potential disapproval?
I am who I am. Don't tell me how I should be; that's not your choice to make. I hold the power of my life, and I would rather live authentically amongst a few than live a lie surrounded by millions.