Inner Fire
I'm going to be perfectly honest and straight forward: Since Ashley broke up with me I have never felt lonelier. The starts stopped being so bright and I would find myself being in confusing situations because I just didn't feel like I could trust my actions let alone my thoughts. Sometimes I would get so depressed that I would wander to the park at night and stare into the water and think about just jumping in and staying there.
I wrote suicide notes in my head, over and over considering their effect when worded differently. (I wouldn't EVER do that but I just have a morbid brain I guess.) Everywhere I went, no matter who I talked to, I felt like I was separate from the group. I wasn't a part of anything I did... Not school work, not friends, not family, nothing. I wanted to kick and scream, assault people, and drive off to Mexico on a whim... But of course I couldn't because I just did not have the courage. I really felt confused because for the last six or so years, I had my life revolve around Ashley... Who was I? I don't even remember anymore. Was I still the funny kid people liked to hang out with or was that just because of the confidence I had from love?
Then there was last night.
I was dicking around online when Tim called me downstairs. I wasn't sure what was going on but when I got there, I find Ben, Tim, and Rob holding a birthday cake and singing to me. I balled up my fists and bit down on my tongue and it took all of my will power not to cry on the spot. I failed and a few leaked out. We sat down and had a slice and it felt like a large weight I had been carrying disappeared. I know that is a cliched sentence but I really felt this way. I felt happier than I have been since... Jesus, I don't even know when I was last that happy.
We spent the night drinking and hanging out and I didn't second-guess myself at all. I talked and acted without thinking and I had a lot of fun. I wasn't worrying about how I looked or what I said or if everyone in the room liked me or not. I smiled so much that my face hurt.
I woke up feeling the same way and it hasn't left me. I want to dance. I want to walk up to a stranger and kiss them full on the mouth. I want to do something enormous, fantastic, and unequivalently wonderful to express how I feel right now.
I love and that's good enough for me.
I wrote suicide notes in my head, over and over considering their effect when worded differently. (I wouldn't EVER do that but I just have a morbid brain I guess.) Everywhere I went, no matter who I talked to, I felt like I was separate from the group. I wasn't a part of anything I did... Not school work, not friends, not family, nothing. I wanted to kick and scream, assault people, and drive off to Mexico on a whim... But of course I couldn't because I just did not have the courage. I really felt confused because for the last six or so years, I had my life revolve around Ashley... Who was I? I don't even remember anymore. Was I still the funny kid people liked to hang out with or was that just because of the confidence I had from love?
Then there was last night.
I was dicking around online when Tim called me downstairs. I wasn't sure what was going on but when I got there, I find Ben, Tim, and Rob holding a birthday cake and singing to me. I balled up my fists and bit down on my tongue and it took all of my will power not to cry on the spot. I failed and a few leaked out. We sat down and had a slice and it felt like a large weight I had been carrying disappeared. I know that is a cliched sentence but I really felt this way. I felt happier than I have been since... Jesus, I don't even know when I was last that happy.
We spent the night drinking and hanging out and I didn't second-guess myself at all. I talked and acted without thinking and I had a lot of fun. I wasn't worrying about how I looked or what I said or if everyone in the room liked me or not. I smiled so much that my face hurt.
I woke up feeling the same way and it hasn't left me. I want to dance. I want to walk up to a stranger and kiss them full on the mouth. I want to do something enormous, fantastic, and unequivalently wonderful to express how I feel right now.
I love and that's good enough for me.