frilly fan fiction from a frivolous fart.
(mucho apologies to CBS)
Dude, Where's my Corpse?
So Gruesome & his team are awoken bright and early to investigate the brutal murders of a couple making out at a remote part of a multi-storey carpark.
Gruesome (characteristically late after the night with Jack Daniels): So team...hic...what can you elicit from the scene so far?
Stroke (the alphamale know-it-all): Hey chief, it seems to be a double homicide
Pillows (pmsy-like): Like newsflash!?
Brownie (adjusting mishapened bed-head afro): OK dudes, quit it. Let's just take a closer look, shall we?
Gruesome: Hey, Stroke, once you stop tripping over the line-tape, maybe you could put on some gloves?
Stroke: Heh, read ya, chief.
Gruesome: ...and Pillows, you might want to put your hair in a net before you go clomping around?
Pillows: You got something against my coif, chief, just coz I'm the only woman in this outfit? What about Brownie's fuzzy locks?
Brownie: Hey back off, biatch, you have a beef with brothers making it to Level 3? (breaks into "Swing Low...")
Gruesome: Aiight, cut it, we got much to do, dawgs
Pillows (flushed from collecting DNA samples, mostly her own strands of hair): Here, got me a bagful chief, I'll head on back to the lab
Stroke: (Oh crap, I just stepped on some blood, think anyone will notice?)
a beat
Brownie: Hey some punk-ass left this huge Doc Martens print here, so I'm thinking it's gotta be some skinhead killing...
Pillows: But the couple were white...
Brownie: Y' well, we'll just have to take a shot and find a match won't we? It says 'size 11' (snaps picture)
Stroke: Hey, what a coincidence! I wear a size 11! What are the odds?
Gruesome: OK stop yabberin', back to the lab then. And Pillows, could you please put away that emery board and stop your manicuring near the bodies?
Back at the lab
Pillows: (hardly containing excitement) OK, I've got a clear hair sample match...let's see (runs file through the system)...the killer must be brunette, medium-length cut, split ends eww....
Brownie: I still maintain it was a skinhead, which, duh, means the only hair sample could be falling out his pits
Pillows: shush, can't anyone get some work done here?....(looks at match)...OMG...the hair sample... matches....mine!
Stroke: which means...Pillows..(jumps across the desk with handcuffs)...you have the right to remain silent!
Pillows: What the - ?
Brownie: Wait a minnit...Stroke, let me see your boot again?
Stroke: Whassup, dude?
Brownie: Just hand it (drops it in a ziploc bag)
Stroke (hobbles away): I don't know what you're insinuating but I'm not liking it one bit
Brownie: Ah-hah! Look at the screenshot of the bootprint -- perfect match!
Stroke: That can't be, I was at a poker game last night...
Brownie: Tell it to your lawyer. Security? Kindly put these two officers in the pen.
Pillows: B-but, I was working on my embroidery needlework all night!
Brownie: Uh-huh
Stroke & Pillows taken away, struggling in cuffs
Gruesome (enters): What's going on here?
Brownie: How's a promotion sound, chief? I've solved this one before the 2nd commercial!
Gruesome: Wow, and to think I've secretly underestimated the boys in the hood
Brownie: Yo, I'll let that one slip on account of having your job in a month! (saunters off)
Gruesome (grinning aside): Sigh...tell me again why my team rules!