(no subject)
Some people say that we pay professional athletes too much money for the job that they do. I have given it some deep thought, and I believe that this is true. However, due to the competitive nature of team sports in general, any attempt to lower gross pay that was not completely and absolutely unified would almost assuredly fail. Talented and highly desired but disgruntled athletes could easily leave a stingy team for a more generous patron. But I have managed to derive a solution.
Take for example, basketball. Rather than attempting to cut the salaries of current professional basketball players, in the face of enraged opposition, I believe that it would be more effective to just replace the players with some sort of basketball-playing ape. Then we wouldn't have to pay them at all. Not money at least. Maybe bananas. Or perhaps suitcases, to satisfy their uncontrollable urges to wreak havoc on luggage.
And I mean, apes would probably be decent basketball players. They're large, strong, fast, and are gifted with not 2, not 3, but 4 appendages with ball handling capabilities. Oddly enough, the penis of the average adult gorilla is much smaller than that of the adult human (high five, fellow male homo sapiens). This might slightly decrease the poon-tang qoutient of basketball players as a demographic, but only slightly. Only slightly.
One of the only possible negative repercussions of a switch to an ape heavy sports portfolio that I can see would be the loss of shoe company sponsors. Considering the fact that apes have hands for feet, shoes lose some funtionality. Although, the previously non-existant "foot-glove"-producing business community would rejoice. Overall, I believe that making large apes play basketball would be an intelligent decision by the sports community as a whole.
And why stop with basketball? Think of the multitude of sports that could be enhanced with the help of the majestic gorilla. Take roller hockey for example. Combine gorillas, roller skates, and large sticks in a competitive environment, and you've got a recipe for a good evening at the rink. Or football. How else could one witness a game in which the offensive linemen weigh 700 plus pounds? Boxing, wrestling, or basically any sport based primarily upon kicking the shit out of one another would instantly become 100 times more badass than they are currently. Although the variety of different fighting-based sporting events would probably lose some distinction, as they would soon come to be refered to collectively as simply ape-fightin'.
I hope that the sports higher-ups will take notice of this revolutionary solution to the excessive financial drain of paying professional human athletes, and take action. Someday. Someday...