(no subject)
today i'm going to approach my dad with the idea that i won't spend time with him(right now i'm at his house wednesday nights and saturdays) except for family visits and other occaisions he thinks i should attend, and i won't sleep at his house anymore. i really dislike him, his views on life, how he treats me, and the way i feel at his house. my mom calls it emotional abuse. he makes me feel constantly insufficient and inferior. the psychiatrist says it's his way of controlling everything. i don't understand it. all i know is i always end up crying and feeling worse than i did before. he makes no sense and all the therapists who try to help him end up telling him to stop coming to therapy, because he doesn't listen to what they say. that's why my parents got divorced: he stopped trying. if he felt strongly enough about it he would fight. that's the part that hurts the most, he just stops trying. he says he wants to have a better relationship with me but if it came down to me being with him at all, he'd just let me go. that hurts so much. everytime i think about this it makes me sick to my stomach, and i hope i am able to keep from throwing up in german class tonight. currently, i am almost doubled over because of how sick this makes me. he and i have a relationship more like friends than a parent to a child, which makes it so much easier for him to yell and scream at me about how inferior and selfish and undeserving i am. it hurts so much, though. it hurts worse than a paper cut. it hurts worse then when i broke my ankle. it hurts.
wish me luck