I Didn't Know It Was You
I understand what faith feels like I think. It feels like believing in something without actually knowing. And sometimes, it feels like knowing, just without any evidential proof.
I stopped believing in fate once, which is stupid because I believed in fate my whole life. Strongly. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, feeling like, I'm not amazing looking but I'm ok looking. And then thinking, but there's someone out there who I am going to be with one day. Who will think I'm amazing looking. And maybe he feels this way about himself right now. Maybe he's thinking about me as his future wife/soul mate entity, and even though we don't know each other yet, we each know that one day we want to get married and have a family, so even though he doesn't know me yet, or know it's me yet... it will be... and he probably thinks about me all the time.
Not believing in this created a dark pit of emptiness. It was like a grain of sand in an oyster and I created a pearl around it. I protected myself from it by creating walls, and being closed off.
I wanted to get these feelings back, but I didn't know how. I stopped believing that there was a greater consciousness or life force. I didn't feel the other amazing rush of energy that I was used to feeling. Maybe I should have listened to the failures, and the road blocks that were making things difficult, but I turned out to be a stubborn fighter. Finally, all the distractions disappeared, and there I was... heading down a dead end road. I looked around and somehow I knew I had ended up in the wrong place.
Once I asked myself, do we want something so badly all our lives because we are destined to have it in the end? Or, do we create our own destiny based on this burning desire to do or be whatever it is we've always dreamed of.
The idea that reality is "reality", that dreams are merely dreams, that people accept their dead end roads and find contentment with their easy, but empty reality has always been one of my biggest fears.
I don't know if I really had faith in anything when I got out of that relationship even, but I knew I was settling, and I wanted what I once believed I would find.
In a dive sports bar in NYC in September of 2004, I had my first underage (in a bar) glass of white wine with one of my dad's coworkers. I knew her almost all my life because she used to waitress at my favorite Saturday morning breakfast restaurant my dad took me and my sister to, and I always ordered hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. (I always still do.) I thought she was so pretty and nice, and she is still good friends, and now works with my dad. On this trip in New York, we were waiting for the bathroom together and talking. I don't remember how this even came up but she gave me words to live by NEVER SETTLE. If I can give you any piece of advice...it's to NEVER SETTLE. She said I love my husband, and I love my kids, but I settled.
I never forgot that. EVER. I NEVER forgot her amazing advice, and thinking about feeling like you settled, and it SAVED MY LIFE. 5 years could have been 10, kids, worse financial burdens, stress, medical problems due to stress, 15 years... or even 50+ years...of missing out on the RIGHT person so... it truly, truly saved my life. I told her this recently too. It means so much to me. She didn't know I would ever need to hear it, but seriously. I am so lucky I went on that trip with my dad that day. My mom was supposed to go but she felt like being antisocial so I came home from Boston and went in her spot. SAN GENNARO SAVED MY LIFE.
I should DEFINITELY go back to the festival this year.
I didn't know who I was looking for, or who I would find, but I knew that I would not find it unless I skydived out of the plane before the plane reached it's final destination.
When I say I understand what faith is... it's just that... faith. You either believe it or you don't. But there's something there for me to believe now. It's what I was looking for and I feel like something is actually guiding me and giving me confirmation.
Once, my grandma said "When you know, you know." I understood what she meant. I'm sure I thought I "knew" before, but I really didn't. I knew that you decide, that fate is just a myth, and you don't "know". But I was blind to the fact that I didn't really know. At all. Not like this.
And this, is what faith feels like.
I stopped believing in fate once, which is stupid because I believed in fate my whole life. Strongly. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, feeling like, I'm not amazing looking but I'm ok looking. And then thinking, but there's someone out there who I am going to be with one day. Who will think I'm amazing looking. And maybe he feels this way about himself right now. Maybe he's thinking about me as his future wife/soul mate entity, and even though we don't know each other yet, we each know that one day we want to get married and have a family, so even though he doesn't know me yet, or know it's me yet... it will be... and he probably thinks about me all the time.
Not believing in this created a dark pit of emptiness. It was like a grain of sand in an oyster and I created a pearl around it. I protected myself from it by creating walls, and being closed off.
I wanted to get these feelings back, but I didn't know how. I stopped believing that there was a greater consciousness or life force. I didn't feel the other amazing rush of energy that I was used to feeling. Maybe I should have listened to the failures, and the road blocks that were making things difficult, but I turned out to be a stubborn fighter. Finally, all the distractions disappeared, and there I was... heading down a dead end road. I looked around and somehow I knew I had ended up in the wrong place.
Once I asked myself, do we want something so badly all our lives because we are destined to have it in the end? Or, do we create our own destiny based on this burning desire to do or be whatever it is we've always dreamed of.
The idea that reality is "reality", that dreams are merely dreams, that people accept their dead end roads and find contentment with their easy, but empty reality has always been one of my biggest fears.
I don't know if I really had faith in anything when I got out of that relationship even, but I knew I was settling, and I wanted what I once believed I would find.
In a dive sports bar in NYC in September of 2004, I had my first underage (in a bar) glass of white wine with one of my dad's coworkers. I knew her almost all my life because she used to waitress at my favorite Saturday morning breakfast restaurant my dad took me and my sister to, and I always ordered hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. (I always still do.) I thought she was so pretty and nice, and she is still good friends, and now works with my dad. On this trip in New York, we were waiting for the bathroom together and talking. I don't remember how this even came up but she gave me words to live by NEVER SETTLE. If I can give you any piece of advice...it's to NEVER SETTLE. She said I love my husband, and I love my kids, but I settled.
I never forgot that. EVER. I NEVER forgot her amazing advice, and thinking about feeling like you settled, and it SAVED MY LIFE. 5 years could have been 10, kids, worse financial burdens, stress, medical problems due to stress, 15 years... or even 50+ years...of missing out on the RIGHT person so... it truly, truly saved my life. I told her this recently too. It means so much to me. She didn't know I would ever need to hear it, but seriously. I am so lucky I went on that trip with my dad that day. My mom was supposed to go but she felt like being antisocial so I came home from Boston and went in her spot. SAN GENNARO SAVED MY LIFE.
I should DEFINITELY go back to the festival this year.
I didn't know who I was looking for, or who I would find, but I knew that I would not find it unless I skydived out of the plane before the plane reached it's final destination.
When I say I understand what faith is... it's just that... faith. You either believe it or you don't. But there's something there for me to believe now. It's what I was looking for and I feel like something is actually guiding me and giving me confirmation.
Once, my grandma said "When you know, you know." I understood what she meant. I'm sure I thought I "knew" before, but I really didn't. I knew that you decide, that fate is just a myth, and you don't "know". But I was blind to the fact that I didn't really know. At all. Not like this.
And this, is what faith feels like.