Never Did Silence Ring Louder Than This [poem]
All the world’s bad dreams
merged into one single second
around them - in us
rage, shock, relief, fear
before it crumbled away
We were no more
Around us, crushed bones
crushed homes
All is rubble with little
to no chance to forgive us
I don’t blame you
for turning your back on me
Knowing what I know now
I would have, too
**
For years afterwards I dreamt
of eyes and smoke and the sound
of death wiping across the battlefield
like wind rustling through leaves in autumn
not leaves, but bodies fell
Gone was the threat
fire devoured hundreds of men
devoured my dream - of us
For years afterwards I dreamt
about how metal through my own flesh
would have been better
than what you left me with
I spent every single waking moment
busying hands and mind
travelling miles upon miles to forget
you
I dreamt about how
fire would have been better
rope would have been better
chains and captivity
under the harshest of captors
would have been
better
I missed you for years
**
All rumours turned false
All feelings turned sour
All friends turned away
And I - turned bitter without you
for a while
**
The walls around my body fell
long before
the ones around my soul
I kept waiting for you to find
your way back
your courage
your love for me rekindled
Hope hasn’t left me yet
**
Please, I know you hear me
I know you still protect me
I can feel you
nearby but not close enough
in every passing hour
in every shadow
every sunray to graze my skin
every word I read and write
You made me
and now unravelling me
Please - I’m dying
**
I’ve turned away from the others
How can I stay here
without you by my side?
They tell me
Move on
but how do you tell your soul
to grow another half?
**
I betrayed you, Merlin
I betrayed you
if you felt you had to run
I betrayed you with how I loved you
too much
shouldn’t have loved you at all
I should have protected you
kept you
loved you
caressed you
kissed you
had you
There’s nothing for me
here
but wait
for you to forgive me
for loving you more
than you had the courage to face
*****
If you'd rather read it on AO3, here's the link. (Also, I'll make a 'podfic' for this tomorrow. I really want to read it, for some reason.)