(no subject)

[awwmybees]

Well, there have been some things on my mind. Im not going to get into all of it... I just wanted to say that Ive been thinking a lot about things (dangerous I know). I think of the everyday stuff, and work stuff and all that jazz... but mainly I have been thinking a lot about myself. Not in the egotistical sort of way though. Ive been thinking about how much I want to improve myself. I really want to make myself a better person, inside and out. I have been giving it a lot of thought for a while now. Ive been making changes (however small they may be) to improve myself. I know that I am not a bad person right now. Im not horrible and I dont think I am. But I do know I can be better. I can work harder and use my time more wisely. I can improve myself physically and emotionally. I think I may have been in an emotional funk. Everything was just out of wack. So yeah, anyway, I can try harder at school (and to those who know me... they know I try pretty hard already, and I have a pretty decent gpa and everything, but I procrastinate like no other and it kills me.) I tell myself every year that I wont procrastinate. I will do everything a couple days before I am supposed to have it in. I think that doing things that way will keep me less stressed, but I always seem to put it off to the very last minute. Always. It never fails. I really really really want to change that. Im stressing myself out enough with how many credits I take and the last thing I need is to be stressed out more because I am queen procrastinator. Ive been changing myself physically by exercising a lot more and eating better. But that has been a regular thing for a while now. I am taking care of myself. I keep a written journal to get out anything that I need to that Id rather not put on this thing. It keeps me sane I guess lol. There are just personal journal entries that I do not believe should be kept in an online journal. I like my written journal. I keep it with me most of the time so that anything that I think of that I need to write about or just rant about, I can. The people that you can rant to arent always around and its nice to have a pen and paper to get all your feelings out. I do that a lot. Write out all my feelings about certain things. I think it helps me to organize my thoughts. When I try to express myself outright, I usually get tongue tied and everything comes out wrong and I say the wrong thing and I feel stupid. But when I write it down it always comes out so much better cause I can change what I write. You cant take back what you say. Once you say it, its already out there and if anyone heard you, you're basically screwed. So I usually try to organize my thoughts on things before I get them out into the open. I may be weird for doing so, but I think, for me at least, that it is the best course of action. I like writing in general. I cant write stories or anything like that, but I can write about my life the way I want to and its fun. I can read old journal entries that I wrote from months past and I can tell just how I was feeling from the way I word things and what my handwriting looks like. I have noticed that I have different styles of writing when I am upset, angry, happy, tired...etc. There is just a really good feeling that comes from writing in my journal. It may not be great writing, but its not supposed to be. Its me, its my life and the major and minor events that make it up. All of it summed up in a bunch of pages. Its pretty cool. I am also attempting to paint more. I like to paint, but there are many gaps in between paintings, and Id like to make those gaps smaller. Id like to feed my artistic side and grow. Im also attempting piano again. I get so frustrated with reading notes. But Im trying. I like the piano, and I know I could be good with practice... but I need to practice. Something that never seemed important when I was younger.

I know... I have been thinking about some stuff, and its all just thrown together in that paragraph, but that is what goes through my mind a lot. Just a stream of thoughts of what exactly I would like to do with myself. There is so much more I could write here, but I doubt anyone wants to read it. I doubt any of you care about what I have said already, but I dont care. I kind of just felt like throwin a few of the thoughts Ive had on my mind on this thing. I havent written anything substantial in a while, so i figured I was due. I dont care if none of it made sense to you. It just flowed out of my head, so I dont expect it to make a whole lot of sense, but it was nice to write it out. To get it out of my head. I think that keeps me stable lol.