my <3 feels heavy...
Well, this weekend was an interesting one. I managed to finally find the perfect coat for Chicago, all thanks to the boyfriend :) So that was definitely interesting. I had my family's Christmas party on Saturday that we went to, and that was fun...long but fun. I manged to get an early Christmas present from my grandma, money thank GOD...because being broke sucks.
My friends Jayce, Heather as well as Lee and I went out on Saturday night for Heather's birthday. She turned 21 on Monday so we had to consumate it by taking her out an getting her trashed....which was a success and needless to say, the night was crazy. The only bad part was that Lee and I got into a fight about how he didn't know me that well and if I ever cheated on him he'd be gone, which is understandable, but I know what it's like to be cheated on and it would kill me if I ever hurt him.
It got me thinking though about the future with us and it scares me. It really didn't occur to me how fast I've grown up and how life has just flown by. I'm only 22, but in 10 years, I'll be 32 whereas 10 years ago, I was 12. It's interesting if you think about life at that age. When I was 12, I thought 20 was old and that I'd probably be married by then with kids. Well, things are definitely different as I am still single (but dating) with no kids. It's just a matter of time before something like that happens...and I'm hoping not anytime soon.
Don't get me wrong, I could definitely see myself marrying Lee one day, and it's even stupid right now to hope something like that would happen like, right now....but I think about it and I'm scared that I might screw something in our relationship up and I may lose him forever. He is the greatest guy I've ever met and been with and I can't imagine my life without him. I feel today like I can't breathe and that this weekend was somehow my fault for what happened at the bar.
Heather and I got separated from the guys and while we were looking for them, we got hit on a lot but we didn't flirt or anything and at one point, Lee got in some guy's face about it and they almost started fighting. I mean, I think that if 2 guys end up puching each other in the face, that it's just stupid, but don't get me wrong, defending my honor is awesome too. I remember later that we got into an argument about what had happened and that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him, which I never would, but I remember being so upset and crying and how he basically was stereotyping me to every girl he's been with.
He was cheated on by an ex and I was cheated on and I know it's shitty, it really is, and I wouldn't ever do that to him....it just makes me think that maybe he's not being completely honest with me and maybe he doesn't 100% trust me and I hate that. I tell him constantly that I love him and only him and that I would never do that, but it doesn't seem like he's listening...and people can be pretty honest when they're drunk and from what I heard, it seemed like he was being pretty honest by saying we haven't know each other that long or that well enough...and that to me thinks that he doesn't believe or trust me.
I feel as if I have this huge weight on my heart and I feel guilty, but I'm not sure if it's guilt or sadness. I don't want to lose Lee and our relationship and I feel like something terrible is going to happen. Honestly I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but I feel like in his eyes, I did, and it was because I was standing around, not doing anything. I'm not sure what to think, my head is spinning and I just want to scream and cry and figure out where the hell I am...but the more and more I think about it, I realize that I have all the time in the world to figure things out.
I'm only 22, I'm so young, I have a lot to look forward to in life, and to let something so tiny that I didn't even do mess up the best relationship I ever had, is just ridiculous. I don't want to lose our relationship, I want to add to it, and make it stronger.
I want to be with Lee for the long haul without worrying about the little stuff. I really try to be an optimistic person, but when I have something so precious, I want to do everything I can to ensure that I will continue to have it and before I know it, every little thought pops into my head about how I can lose it rather than how I can make it flourish.
I wish love was easier, but it's probably a good thing it's not, because maybe I would already be married with 3 kids living a life that I don't want...for right now at least.
My friends Jayce, Heather as well as Lee and I went out on Saturday night for Heather's birthday. She turned 21 on Monday so we had to consumate it by taking her out an getting her trashed....which was a success and needless to say, the night was crazy. The only bad part was that Lee and I got into a fight about how he didn't know me that well and if I ever cheated on him he'd be gone, which is understandable, but I know what it's like to be cheated on and it would kill me if I ever hurt him.
It got me thinking though about the future with us and it scares me. It really didn't occur to me how fast I've grown up and how life has just flown by. I'm only 22, but in 10 years, I'll be 32 whereas 10 years ago, I was 12. It's interesting if you think about life at that age. When I was 12, I thought 20 was old and that I'd probably be married by then with kids. Well, things are definitely different as I am still single (but dating) with no kids. It's just a matter of time before something like that happens...and I'm hoping not anytime soon.
Don't get me wrong, I could definitely see myself marrying Lee one day, and it's even stupid right now to hope something like that would happen like, right now....but I think about it and I'm scared that I might screw something in our relationship up and I may lose him forever. He is the greatest guy I've ever met and been with and I can't imagine my life without him. I feel today like I can't breathe and that this weekend was somehow my fault for what happened at the bar.
Heather and I got separated from the guys and while we were looking for them, we got hit on a lot but we didn't flirt or anything and at one point, Lee got in some guy's face about it and they almost started fighting. I mean, I think that if 2 guys end up puching each other in the face, that it's just stupid, but don't get me wrong, defending my honor is awesome too. I remember later that we got into an argument about what had happened and that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him, which I never would, but I remember being so upset and crying and how he basically was stereotyping me to every girl he's been with.
He was cheated on by an ex and I was cheated on and I know it's shitty, it really is, and I wouldn't ever do that to him....it just makes me think that maybe he's not being completely honest with me and maybe he doesn't 100% trust me and I hate that. I tell him constantly that I love him and only him and that I would never do that, but it doesn't seem like he's listening...and people can be pretty honest when they're drunk and from what I heard, it seemed like he was being pretty honest by saying we haven't know each other that long or that well enough...and that to me thinks that he doesn't believe or trust me.
I feel as if I have this huge weight on my heart and I feel guilty, but I'm not sure if it's guilt or sadness. I don't want to lose Lee and our relationship and I feel like something terrible is going to happen. Honestly I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but I feel like in his eyes, I did, and it was because I was standing around, not doing anything. I'm not sure what to think, my head is spinning and I just want to scream and cry and figure out where the hell I am...but the more and more I think about it, I realize that I have all the time in the world to figure things out.
I'm only 22, I'm so young, I have a lot to look forward to in life, and to let something so tiny that I didn't even do mess up the best relationship I ever had, is just ridiculous. I don't want to lose our relationship, I want to add to it, and make it stronger.
I want to be with Lee for the long haul without worrying about the little stuff. I really try to be an optimistic person, but when I have something so precious, I want to do everything I can to ensure that I will continue to have it and before I know it, every little thought pops into my head about how I can lose it rather than how I can make it flourish.
I wish love was easier, but it's probably a good thing it's not, because maybe I would already be married with 3 kids living a life that I don't want...for right now at least.