[Mini-series] Belonged : Mine (5/5)
Imagine a universe where time never existed -
“Okay, so where are we heading?” Hyukjae asked as Donghae finished locking down his garage and kicked the hyper ecstatic junior mechanic named Chanyeol for yelling goodbye too damn close to his ear that evening. He was having a little chat with a small young man named Junmyeon who was waiting for Chanyeol earlier, and seeing how Junmyeon totally disappeared inside Chanyeol’s arms as the giant hugged him somehow reminded him of the days when he waited for Donghae to finish his classes; one of the requirement was for the owner to have his mechanical skills printed and framed on the garage’s wall. Donghae would always carry his backpack for him and he would always hold the popsicle they bought on the way home for Donghae.
(When they’re home, they were both tired, and their nights usually ended early with Donghae falling asleep in front of the television and him at his study desk)
Slowly, his eyes wandered towards Donghae who was frantically searching for his car key. Seeing how Donghae was even thinking of the possibility that it might be in his shoes, he then laughed, thinking that it was amazing how clumsy people like him and Donghae were able to manage a garage for so long without giving in to anything. Really, what made them so determined and unbreakable back then?
“Okay, I found it! Tonight, my love, thanks to the amazing research skills of Kim Ryeowook and Kim Jongwoon together with Choi Siwon’s unlimited wealth, we are heading towards heaven for your last bachelor night!” Donghae yelled, a little too happy when he found the key was in his pants pocket all along. Hyukjae let out a deep sigh before following Donghae’s gesture, ushering him to enter the car as he opened the door for him.
“Dramatic. But really, where are we heading?” he asked, too lazy to went along with Donghae’s idiocy. Donghae let out a small laugh before he proceeded with;
“Nowhere actually. Just that bar we used to hang out together with everyone.” Donghae said with a relaxed tone, it looked like he had already calmed down. Hyukjae smiled softly and took a moment to observe Donghae’s face once again before he shut the door of the old Honda Civic. He wanted to drive his own car to the meeting place since Donghae was going to go home straight anyways after that and he shouldn’t bother him to drive him back home, but thinking how easily he fell asleep after a few bottles of booze, he shook the idea off his head.
“Hey Donghae?”
“Hm?”
“You just called me ‘my love’.”
“Haha, I know. It was a slip of the tongue. I thought you didn’t hear that.”
-
Hyukjae already had his seatbelt buckled when Donghae ignited the engine of his old Honda Civic. The plastic sunflower pot that danced whenever the sunlight reached its solar panel trembled violently on the car’s dashboard, and Hyukjae couldn’t help but shook his head.
“You still haven’t fix the engine belt, have you?” he asked, brows slightly furrowed as he glared onto Donghae’s face when Donghae grinned idiotically and shook his head. He then laughed and pointed at the few black spots near Donghae’s ears and the roots of his hair; obviously he missed them when he was washing up earlier. Donghae crinkled his nose as he tried to wipe the grease away with his hand, but when Hyukjae told him laughingly how he had gotten them smeared even worse than before, he gave up and shrugged.
“It’s going to come out sooner or later once I sweat or shower anyways,” and Hyukjae gave him a look of ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ before Donghae looked at him and smiled like an innocent boy.
(He missed that smile, really)
“Here,” Hyukjae said in between his chuckles, pulling out a yellow handkerchief from his shirt pocket and proceeded to wipe the stain off Donghae’s face. He was probably trying too hard at erasing the small little spot on Donghae’s forehead, though, with his brows furrowed and eyes focused when Donghae suddenly grabbed his wrist and yelled out in pain.
“That’s my face, you idiot! Not a goddamn plank, sheesh, Lee Hyukjae!”
“Oh my god I’m sorry!” Hyukjae shrieked when he realised how red Donghae’s forehead was. It looked as if he had just gotten hit by a baseball a few minutes ago. However it took him just a few seconds to shift from his sympathy look to an amused one when Donghae was frowning like a little kid who had been pinched by his mom when he did something wrong as he tried to soothe down the prickly feeling on his skin with his palm.
“You did this on purpose, didn’t you?” Donghae blindly accused, still palming his red forehead but his free hand was directed towards the radio to turn it on. Since the car was old, it had always been a habit for both of them to let the engine warm up for at least ten minutes before they started their journey. Usually while waiting like this, Donghae would tell stories about the clients that he had to deal with for that day and Hyukjae would smile, nod or at least gave him the proper reaction to whatever he was talking about.
(But no, not today. It would be weird if they did that today, and they both knew it. Even though Donghae missed the hums Hyukjae usually let out as a reaction to his stories, and even though Hyukjae missed the chatterbox Donghae was, not today)
It was hot and humid that evening, and unfortunately the air conditioning wasn’t working (it had never really been for almost two years now), so Hyukjae rolled down the window and enjoyed the warm wind that was blowing softly as Donghae finally drove the car off its parking and onto the road.
“Why would I do that on purpose? Come on, have I ever did something harmful to your face before this?” he finally said, his voice was low but his tone was steady, trying to retain his innocence on the matter discussed. Donghae moved his mouth in an annoying manner, mocking Hyukjae’s words inaudibly. His hand was still trying to tune in on any radio station that played songs instead of the non-stop blab of the announcers, but unfortunately there were none. Hyukjae pointed to the CD port just above the dim digital display of the car’s radio, probably wondering why Donghae didn’t put in any CD he had in the car like he used to whenever the radio was boring, and Donghae shook his head gravely without any words. Not convinced, Hyukjae duck down to observe the CD port carefully, only to find an already bent credit card stuck vertically inside. He squinted, trying to read the name that was half visible on the card - Kim Jongwoon. Well, that explained A LOT.
“Because you wanna be the most good-looking for tomorrow, aren’t you?” Donghae said, trying to make it sound like a teasing joke but failed miserably at doing so after their impromptu silent conversation ended, and Hyukjae sat up back to his initial position, straight and probably a little bit stiff. Seeing that his question wouldn’t be answered, Donghae let out a nervous chuckle.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay. I understand it must be nerve-wrecking for you, getting ready to walk down the aisle and all. Sorry I haven’t been there like how a best man should be when I’m the one who volunteered. I mean I’d understand if you want to have Kyuhyun instead of me tomorrow since he suggested the band and sponsored the tux, but then there goes my speech that I’ve been writing and editing for the last two weeks, and-” he blurted out without thinking, really, he talked like a broken video player when he was nervous, but he was halted when he felt Hyukjae’s thin fingers were caressing the back of his hand that was gripping the gear lever.
“Donghae, just shut up.”
“But-”
“Shush.”
Following Hyukjae’s order, he drove the car mindlessly towards downtown where Ryeowook and the others were waiting. Kyuhyun said he’s going to be there after he came back from his shopping with Sungmin, so make sure to not to be too drunk before he arrived. Donghae did ask Sungmin if he was going to join, too, but the latter said it would be best if he doesn’t show up. Donghae didn’t understand; wasn’t being present at your own brother’s bachelor party a rule for everyone?
“I shouldn’t have listen to Sungmin,” Hyukjae suddenly mumbled under his breath, probably whispering to himself but despite the opened window and the sound of the almost malfunctioned engine inside Donghae’s Civic hood, the words didn’t escape his ears.
“Why?” Donghae asked, eyes didn’t leave the road. Even though he could be really haphazard in doing everything beside his work, Hyukjae could really tell that he had changed with his way of driving. The street lamps were lit up as Donghae drove past them, and the evening began to darken as the road was getting brighter. Hyukjae briefly thought how ironic it was to see the light that illuminated the city and kept these urban humans away from the daunting darkness was also the reason why we couldn’t see how bright and beautiful the constellations every night. Really, there’s something painfully beautiful in ironies like this.
“What did Sungmin say to you?” Donghae finally asked him again, still not satisfied when his first question was ignored. Hyukjae mentally scolded himself for unconsciously letting his thought out, and he was sure Donghae would call him stupid if he ever explains it to him.
“Nothing. He just reminded me to enjoy myself tonight,” he lied and forced up a smile, but with the outside getting darker the further Donghae drove, Hyukjae was sure he couldn’t see it anyways, so after a few seconds, his smile faded and turned into a frown which he couldn’t recognise himself.
“I have something to give you,” Donghae suddenly announced, albeit hesitantly, and Hyukjae’s gaze was pulled away from the catseyes on the road and the glimpsing lights of the tall buildings from afar when he heard Donghae’s voice turned thick. His un-styled hair made his bang poked him in the eyes when the wind was blowing from the opened window as he turned his head towards the fidgety Donghae, but he still refused to push them away from his face. Donghae still got his eyes on the road and both his hands on the wheel, awkwardly trying to avoid Hyukjae’s gaze, but after a few seconds he knew he was failing and finally glanced over to the curious Hyukjae instead.
Hyukjae didn’t have to ask any question, because he knew and Donghae knew that Donghae could read it from his face. Letting out a small smile, Donghae turned his focus back onto driving and breathed out; as if he was holding it in since they hit the road.
“I have something to give to you, but first, I’m going to kidnap you from the bachelor party for about half an hour,” he explained it again as he signalled the car to the left, exiting the main highway and Hyukjae could see the road in front of them was slowly turning into a familiar street instead.
Imagine a universe where time never existed, and we don’t have a past to be regretted or a future to fret about, and all I have to do is to make you happy.
Trust me, I’d choose that universe without any hesitation.
-
It wasn’t a surprise to Hyukjae when Donghae finally stopped in front of the gate of their old high school. In fact, subconsciously it was probably the first place he wanted to see tonight.
The headlamp blipped twice as Donghae pressed the lock button on the remote. Hyukjae was leaning against the front hood, talking on the phone when Donghae walked to his side and gestured a questioning look.
“Ryeowook,” he deadpanned, one hand palming the receiver on his phone hoping the said speaker on the other end of the line would not be able to hear it. But he knew Ryeowook did hear him just fine because by then, he could hear that little man shrieked then repeatedly and excitedly said Donghae’s name out loud to whoever that was in the same room with him. Donghae nodded understandingly and waited next to Hyukjae as he listened to him bickering with the currently over excited Ryeowook.
“Yes, I’m with him right now. No, don’t tell them to go home; we’re coming, just a little bit late, okay?” he told Ryeowook, loudly but in a slower pace, as if he was actually speaking with a three year old who had just gotten his tongue. A moment later, Hyukjae sighed heavily as the call beeped to an end.
“He thought we’re eloping, didn’t he?” Donghae asked and ended his question with a laugh, trying to make it sound like a joke. To his relief, Hyukjae was laughing quietly to his question as he leant onto the front hood of the car, gazing into the night sky. The sky was so clear and beautiful tonight and the street was dimmer than the ones in the city; they could see the constellations of stars lining up perfectly above their heads instead of the streetlamp’s yellow light.
“He’s always the positive one. Like that time when we’re trying to teach Jongwoon how to drive. Really, who would’ve thought one day Jongwoon will drive his own car?” Hyukjae finally said, reminiscing the victory time when Jongwoon finally didn’t have to look at his hand on the lever while shifting the gears anymore. Donghae nodded, agreeing.
“He’s still a bad driver, though.”
“Nah, I would say average. Their new Wrangler only had three crashes so far compared to the old Nissan. That’s something.” Hyukjae defended, because Jongwoon did become a better driver and even if he didn’t, their garage would always be there for his cars.
He meant, Donghae’s garage.
(but it felt alien to say it out loud so he didn’t)
There was a long pause after that. A long silence, but it was comfortable. It was the type of silence that you had with your brothers and sisters during homework time, or while you were skipping classes on the rooftop with your buddies. Nobody’s talking, and nobody’s trying to be funny because everybody knew everyone was busy with a lot of thoughts in their minds. Just like how Hyukjae was secretly wishing for-
“I wish I can be more like Ryeowook. So that even years after this, I can still hope that we’re going to be back to each other’s sides and still be in love. So that I can hope today is just the day we have to make the right choice for everyone, but not the best choice for us. I want to still believe that one day, we’re going to have our own chance to be happy, and we don’t have to do it for anyone’s sake. Not your mother, not your brother, not your future wife, not anyone. Just us.” Donghae finally said, breaking the silence that Hyukjae was appreciating. Surprised, he turned his head towards Donghae, and he saw that Donghae was already looking at him with a smile on his face.
Ah, Lee Donghae didn’t really understand the concept of subtlety.
“Even if it means fifty years from now?” Hyukjae then asked jestingly; his eyes caught the crinkles that formed at the ends of Donghae’s eyes as he laughed with him.
“Even if it means fifty-one years from now.”
“But we’re going to be old and crippled by then. We might not even remember anything about each other anymore.” Hyukjae teased, and Donghae frowned. For a while, they had forgotten about the bachelor party or the wedding. For a few minutes, Donghae’s head was only filled with Hyukjae’s smiles and Hyukjae was pretty contented listening to the little sniffs that Donghae made whenever he laughed.
For a few minutes in their world, it felt as if the separation never happened.
“The day when I finally forget you, Lee Hyukjae, will probably be the day you start to be happy without me,” Donghae replied, a bitter smile appeared thin on his lips. Hyukjae shook his head.
“Don’t be so full of yourself. There were already days when I’m happy without you so far.”
“Great, because I can never be Ryeowook.” Donghae laughed again, but this time Hyukjae knew it was forced out of his lungs. He wanted Donghae to stop trying to look so happy, because he knew he wasn’t, because he himself wasn’t delighted but Hyukjae didn’t want to stop listening to Donghae’s voice.
“Come,” Donghae held out his hand, and Hyukjae automatically reached for it. Feeling the night breeze slowly nipping at his nose, Hyukjae was reminded of their younger days when Donghae threw punches towards the other kids who were bullying him and then took him to the nearest grocery shop to buy him some ice-cream. Pulling his hand like that, Donghae would nag at him for being too weak and told him to eat more so that he would grow healthier and meatier.
“No way,” Hyukjae breathed out, surprised when Donghae let go of his hand as they reached the place he wanted to show him. Smiling proudly, he patted the corroded pole of the lamp post near the back gate of the school, as if saying thank you for still being there till this day at the inanimate object.
“They moved the back gate a few years ago, so it’s hard to recognise it but yeah, this is the same lamp post.” Donghae told him as he looked up at the flickering amber light; still hadn’t been fixed but still functioning even after years had passed. Hyukjae slowly walked towards where Donghae was standing and put his hand on the other side of the pole.
“It’s still here.”
“It is.” Donghae whispered, almost unheard and probably to himself, but Hyukjae could hear it perfectly. Breathing in, Hyukjae muttered his courage to ask Donghae the reason why he brought them here but he was cut off by Donghae’s request.
“Can I kiss you? For one last time, can I hold you? Just for a while, just for a little while. For this one last time, can we pretend the growing up speech we’ve been having never happened? Because not having you anywhere near me is tiring, it’s exhausting and I’m going to lose you to someone else tomorrow anyway so can we-” Donghae stopped talking when Hyukjae pulled him closer, so close that the tips of their noses bumped against each other. He brought one of his palms to Hyukjae’s cheek, and as if on cue, Hyukjae turned his head a little, kissing the inside of Donghae’s palm. They stayed like that for almost a minute before Hyukjae pulled Donghae’s hand away from his face and wrapped his arms around his waist.
“I love you,” Hyukjae finally said before his lips touched the side of Donghae’s lips. It was weird. ‘I love you’ was one of the phrases that he had taken for granted in the ten years they were together. Donghae said it every day, every time he came home from work, during dinner time when he tried to cook a meal but failed, every time they saw each other, all the time. Donghae said it effortlessly, and all along in Hyukjae’s mind he thought it was only a waste of energy to keep on repeating something that was well known to everyone.
It was weird, because right now, while they were back standing underneath the same flickering light where they had their first kiss many many years ago, he was feeling sorry for Donghae and himself just because of the inadequacy of that damn phrase.
“I love you,” he said it again, because he felt like an idiot for being too ashamed to say it out loud while he had the chance, the right to say it in front of everyone.
“I love you, Lee Donghae,” and again, for the times he slept without reciprocating to Donghae’s kisses. Donghae didn’t say anything except letting out a hum as he leant in to bury his nose into the crooks on Hyukjae’s neck. Hyukjae took another deep breath, holding his tears in and moved his hand that was on Donghae’s back in a circular movement. It was slow and gentle, soothing and a little bit melancholic because he used to do that whenever they were cuddling on the sofa on the days when Donghae was having his flu and couldn’t work.
“It’s because we’re in love, that’s why it hurts. But we’ll be fine. I know we’ll be fine,” he whispered against Donghae’s hair, inhaling the sweet smell of strawberry scented shampoo that he left behind that day. It was half-bottle finished anyways, and Hyukjae didn’t think Donghae would keep it, but it seemed as if Donghae had changed his shampoo to the same brand.
Oh silly Donghae and his attachments to small details like these
“We’ll be fine,” Donghae repeated his words, as if a chant to keep himself strong enough to pull away from Hyukjae a few minutes later. His eyes were red, and Hyukjae knew he cried, because there were fresh tear stains on his shirt. Hyukjae nodded as he wiped the tears away from Donghae’s eyes using his thumb and smiled.
Donghae’s iPhone was vibrating a few seconds later. As soon as he saw the name on the screen, he frowned and showed it to Hyukjae. It was Kyuhyun and Donghae was sure if he answer it right then, all he could hear was a lot of cussing; one for being late, two for kidnapping the celebrated groom so he ignored it until it stopped ringing.
“I guess we have to go now.”
“You said you have something to give me?” Hyukjae asked as they were heading back towards the car. Donghae was still using his sleeves to dry his eyes when he stopped walking and grunted; he was just reminded about that. Hyukjae laughed and shook his head.
“Tomorrow,” he said, as he unlocked the car. Hyukjae had already settled in his seat when he ignited the engine and shifted to the first gear.
“I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”
“Okay, fine. But what is it anyways?” Hyukjae asked again; impatient and a little bit frustrated. Donghae chuckled and slowly answered;
“An overdue promise.”
-
Ironically, of all the days they had spent being together; Hyukjae looked the best on the day he finally belonged to someone else. Donghae realised this when he secretly opened the dressing room for the groom the morning of Hyukjae’s wedding day. His skin looked healthier and fairer, his legs seemed to be longer and his smile, dear Lord, all of a sudden his smile appeared as if it could turn the audience blind in just a flash. Clearing his throat and fixing his neck tie, Donghae took a deep breath and forced up a smile.
(something he had been practicing for the whole time Hyukjae wasn’t by his side)
“Wow, he really outdid himself, that Cho Kyuhyun,” Donghae said, whistling at Hyukjae as he entered the room. The old tailor who personally brought the tuxedo from his store after a little alteration made last minute smiled as he saw Hyukjae spun around in front of the mirror, admiring his work.
“Well he said I can keep it. I guess that’s what you get when you’re best friend with one of the best lawyers in town,” Hyukjae told him smilingly and Donghae was keeping the urge to cover his eyes with all the glitters he saw raining all over Hyukjae.
“Nope, that’s what you get when I’m head over heels with your big brother,” Kyuhyun appeared in the doorway with two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon in one hand and its bottle in another. He offered the old tailor a glass, and he gladly accepted it. Donghae whistled again, this time admiring the expensive red wine in Kyuhyun’s hand and wondered if there was any other way he would like to show off his wealth today.
“Yah, Cho Kyuhyun! Let me have a taste of that badass red wi-oh. Wow, Hyukjae, you really look like a chaebol.” Ryeowook came crashing behind him, holding an empty wine glass and Donghae understood the situation instantly. If there was anyone who could become Kyuhyun’s competitor in savouring the finest wine ever existed, it would be Ryeowook (except for the fact that Ryeowook would rather spend his money on abandoned animals than a cellar with controlled temperature underneath his study room just for his wine collection like Kyuhyun. Also, leeching off Kyuhyun’s collection was always an option, now that he had become best friends with Sungmin).
“He is a chaebol.” Kyuhyun deadpanned as he surrendered the bottle to the pushy Kim Ryeowook. Donghae didn’t understand why, but Kyuhyun’s words that were spoken mindlessly felt prickly in his chest. Like there would always be something that he missed about Hyukjae, something so obvious and literal but he took it for granted because he thought Hyukjae was going to be his forever (and he didn’t like it one bit).
“You want some?” Ryeowook poured another glass of Sauvignon and offered it to Donghae, but he politely shook his head and gestured him to give it to the groom instead.
“Hyukjae might need it more than I am right now,” he said teasingly, patting Hyukjae’s shoulder as he smiled at him through the mirror. He didn’t expect Hyukjae to palm his hand as he was pulling it away. Kyuhyun caught them gazing into each other’s eyes but Ryeowook didn’t (he was still busy figuring out the year of the wine), so swiftly, he pulled Ryeowook by the neck and brought him out of the room. On their way out, he gestured for the old tailor to leave with him, and Donghae was glad to know how sensible Kyuhyun could be at times.
“Is Siwon here yet? I heard he ticked ‘plus one’ on the invitation. Let’s ruin his image in front of his date today,” he suggested to Ryeowook and they could hear Ryeowook’s excited voice all the way from the end of the hallway. The old tailor excused himself and Hyukjae thanked him as he closed the door shut.
It was eerily silent when everyone was out of the room, leaving both of them still having their eyes on each other through their reflections in the mirror. Donghae then reached out, touching Hyukjae’s reflection; nose, lips, eyes and back to lips.
“You look so beautiful today.”
“You mean handsome?”
“Gorgeous.” Donghae stood with his point, stubborn. Hyukjae laughed and he wanted to turn around so that they will be facing each other instead of looking at only their reflections in the mirror, but Donghae kept both his hands onto his shoulders and made him stay in his place.
“Donghae?” Hyukjae called out his name, confused. Donghae giggled when he heard how crooked his name sounded from Hyukjae’s lips.
“Let me save this image of you inside my hard drive,” he said with a serious face, but Hyukjae knew very well he was joking. Playing along, he followed every direction Donghae wanted him to be, turning around and stopped every time Donghae made a shutter sound of a camera with his mouth.
“Saving... Hyukkie’s_Wedding.jpg. Saving... Gorgeous_Hyukkie.jpg. Saving... Perfection.jpg. Okay, we are done. You may buy the printed photos at the booth after the event,” he said, grinning, and Hyukjae rolled his eyes.
“What, new profession? Giving up on the garage, become Donghae the professional stalker?” he joked. Donghae still didn’t let him turn around, but he could see him reaching into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet box. His smile faded.
Small happiness didn’t really last long, did they?
“I’m saving them for future references. Today is probably the last day you’d look this mesmerising.” He said, slowly opening the box and revealed the shiny rock inside. Chuckling, Donghae showed it to Hyukjae.
“Your mother threw this to me when I came in just now. She said not to lose it. I’m surprised she didn’t call the guards to shove my ass out from the hall.” He told him as Hyukjae took the ring and inspected it. It was a golden band with three roses carved on each side of a 5-carat diamond. His mother’s taste had always been simple yet stylish. Too many decoration had always been the reason why a lot of expensive things looked cheaper than its worth, and she understood that perfectly. Maybe it was one of the reasons why she nodded instantly when Hyukjae finally decided to propose to Ae Ri. In her simpleness, Ae Ri had this luxurious glory that overflowed within her. Her gestures, her way of speak, the way her hands moved when she laughed, and the twinkles in her eyes whenever she was listening to someone was not of the commoners.
“She chose this, saying it’s perfect for Ae Ri.”
“She’s right. Nothing decorates a diamond like her better than a perfect diamond itself.”
“You think she’s perfect?” Hyukjae asked him out of the blue, and for a few seconds, Donghae seemed hesitant.
“No, you’re right. Right now she’s probably not. But after today, she will be. Because she have you.” Donghae said, finally allowing Hyukjae to turn around to face him. Palming his face, Hyukjae asked him why.
“I know I was perfect when you’re with me. Damn it Lee Hyukjae, how could anyone not be perfect when they have you?”
“That’s very flattering,” Hyukjae laughed and thanked him. Their talk was interrupted when Siwon came knocking at the door, calling for the groom and his best man to come out and greet the guests.
“We’ll be out in five minutes,” Donghae told him, and Siwon nodded with a knowing smile. Turning on his heels, he was facing Hyukjae once again, but this time, there was a different feel inside his gaze and for some unknown reasons, Hyukjae didn’t really like it. It looked energetic and filled with confidence, but at the same time, it seemed defeated, ripped and torn.
“Ready?” he asked him, dusting his shoulders and fixing his hair. Hyukjae nodded solemnly as he reached for Donghae’s hand, and Donghae let him.
Just once. For this last time, let me hold you
Guiding him towards the door, Donghae’s grip felt tighter a few seconds before he turned the knob open, and he whispered the sacred words that Hyukjae told him the night before (underneath the dim, flickering light where they had their first kiss);
“We’ll be fine. We’ll be just fine.”
Because we’re in love
...and then the grip was loosened.
-
When he saw Lee Ae Ri walking down the aisle arm in arm with her father who couldn’t stop smiling, Donghae was certain that it won’t be long for Hyukjae to put every memory they had together in the dusty old box at the back of his mind. She was a sweetheart with a gentle smile, small but sharp nose and pretty bright eyes, and it would take a total idiot to not falling in love with this girl at first glance.
“She’s beautiful,” he whispered as he moved closer the slightly nervous Hyukjae, waiting for his bride to arrive by his side. Scrunching his face, Hyukjae tilted his head a little bit towards Donghae.
“You said that to me earlier,” he grunted, dissatisfied. Donghae chuckled and reached for Hyukjae’s hand when he was sure nobody was watching them because let’s face it; the bride was supposed to be the centre of attention in every wedding and Ae Ri just killed it perfectly. Grazing his fingers above Hyukjae’s tight knuckles, he tried to give him an assurance - of what, he wasn’t really sure anymore - and he could see Hyukjae’s shoulder relaxed.
“Come on, Hyukjae, it’s impossible to say the opposite about her. She’s stunning,” he told him, almost clenching his teeth, though. Hyukjae sighed, and let out a small laugh. Ae Ri was getting nearer, and Donghae wanted to hate her delighted smile (he never could) as Hyukjae finally took his hand away from his and reached for Ae Ri’s. It felt as if he was hit with a metaphor that he didn’t want to understand (but unfortunately he did).
Donghae walked a step backward after he handed Hyukjae the ring, avoiding Hyukjae’s meaningful glance on him as he received it. As soon as he was back in his place, in line with Kyuhyun and the others, he could feel a hand patting his back.
“Good job, Lee Donghae. Good job,” Kyuhyun said as he turned around. It was hard to see his friend’s face when he was trying hard to hold his tears in. But he knew Kyuhyun saw it, because a few seconds later, he reached for his pocket and pulled out a blue handkerchief.
“You never look good crying, dude,” he commented as he handed the cloth to him. Donghae thanked him as he took it, and wiped his eyes discreetly.
“But just for today, I won’t say anything about it. And I won’t say anything about today in the future, either. So when this is over, go home. I’ll cover you up.” Kyuhyun offered, but Donghae shook his head.
“Thanks, but I still have the best man’s toast to do.”
Kyuhyun nodded, understood and he didn’t say anything after that because their attention was back onto the bride and groom at the altar. Hyukjae was holding up the ring, and Ae Ri was waiting eagerly for him to slide it on her finger. The guests were whispering when he halted and turned around, eyes searching for Donghae in the back. His mother was frowning; clearly she was not happy with his reaction.
As if on cue, Donghae walked a few steps towards the front, letting Hyukjae to see him. When their eyes met, he smiled and mouthed something. Hyukjae took a deep breath, smiled back at him and turned to face the now confused Ae Ri once again.
“We’ll be fine.” He whispered.
Lee Hyukjae officially became Lee Ae Ri’s husband on Sunday, 3.36 in the afternoon.
-
Donghae cleared his throat, and raised his glass until it was parallel to his chest. His eyes then travelled towards the front of the dining hall that was reserved for the reception which was filled with families and friends of both bride and groom. Just a few steps away, Hyukjae’s mother was intensely staring at him, as if hoping he would skip out his speech and just waltz himself out from the hall; maybe from her life too, if he could. Probably he was too lost in thoughts, because a few moments later, Ryeowook, who was standing near the wall with an anticipating Jongwoon and probably a half-listening Kyuhyun cleared his throat a few times while subtly calling out his name in between.
“Cue, Donghae. Cue.”
Donghae blinked thrice and forced up a smile. Smiling had always been hard these past few months or probably since a year ago when he saw Hyukjae’s back disappearing into his car with his luggage (and his heart). Donghae had surprisingly mastered the skill of faking a smile for the sake of everyone around him, fortunately. He felt a pull on the hem of his sleeve; Hyukjae was whispering ‘are you okay?’ to him, so very concerned and innocent, and his heart suddenly felt lighter.
(Maybe because it was Hyukjae who asked, or maybe Hyukjae had always been his healing potion for every fright and sadness, Donghae didn’t have enough time to ponder)
“Ah, right,” he said, pulling out the speech he had been preparing since two weeks ago, and the guests were clapping (Siwon initiated it, though, thinking that maybe an encouragement from the crowd was all Donghae need).
“Hyukjae loves women,” he started loudly, and Hyukjae slapped his arm while yelling out his name, which was reciprocated with the roaring laughter from the guests. Donghae laughed heartily before apologising, gently holding Hyukjae’s shoulder and when the laughter subsided, he raised his glass once again while clearing his throat.
“But really, in a very respectful and gentleman way, Lee Hyukjae loves women. He appreciates you ladies,” he turned to Ae Ri, and then to Hyukjae’s mother with a grin and then back towards the guests, “as the beautiful yet unbreakable creatures you are. Like there’s one time during our high school years, when he put a love letter in the wrong shoe locker, it ended up in someone else’s hand. Ah, Gong Min Ah...” he breathed, reminiscing something from their teenage years and the attention of the crowd was suddenly shifted towards Siwon who unintentionally spurted out his drinks. Ryeowook was covering his mouth, keeping himself from bursting out laughing, and Jongwoon was looking at every direction instead of the flustered Lee Hyukjae. Kyuhyun grinned and gave Donghae a thumb up.
“The letter was written for someone else; his crush at that time, but Hyukjae, being the clumsy clown he is got the lockers’ numbers mixed up and it ended up inside Min Ah’s locker. Now if it’s someone else, he would have probably dissed Min Ah away, because Min Ah was, how should I say this? She didn’t really belong to the normal girls’ division,” Donghae continued eloquently, and Hyukjae slapped his arm, telling him that;
“It’s not very nice to speak about her like that, Donghae,” and Donghae smiled meaningfully before he turned to the audience. He pointed a finger at Hyukjae and nodded, as if asking the guests to agree with what he was trying to picture about him.
“You see what I mean?” and most of the guests were humming in understanding. Hyukjae palmed his face, embarrassed.
“Gong Min Ah-ssi, you’re here today?” Donghae proceeded to call the name out loud, and someone answered him from far back. A very tall woman stood up from amongst the crowd, and everyone was whispering. Despite her remarkable height, she was a pretty lady with an edgy haircut and when she smiled, a pair of deep dimples appeared near her curved lips.
“Hello everyone, I’m Gong Min Ah, apparently the girl who didn’t belong in the normal girls’ division as mentioned by Lee Donghae,” she introduced herself playfully, and the guests let out another roaring laughter. Donghae made a heart sign with his hands, trying to apologise to Min Ah and she rolled her eyes.
“Now where was I? Oh right, so when Min Ah came to him with the letter, totally misunderstood and a little bit excited at that time, Hyukjae did the one thing that most men are not capable of doing. He apologised, and told her the truth. That it was his fault and Min Ah wasn’t the person who supposed to receive the letter.” He took a sip from his glass and looked at the groom with a pair of eyes filled with respect (and maybe a little bit of longing, too).
“Now, everything would be just fine if only the other students didn’t hear about it, but they somehow did. A misunderstanding was bad enough, and it was worse if you’re the girl. And you know how teenagers are; they can be cruel at times. Min Ah wasn’t an exception.” This time, he glanced over to Min Ah who was smiling at him with a connected gaze. She then nodded as she sat back at her table, giving him permission to continue with his story.
“Hyukjae wasn’t even famous in high school, but the students were looking for new entertainment, so the story about the mixed up letter gone viral. The whispers and sarcastic giggles were thrown at her and in a week, Min Ah who was hardly recognised before became the ‘rejected girl’. And you know what Hyukjae did to stop this?” he then turned around to look at their friends, and the three guys rolled their eyes, avoiding Donghae’s eyes just in case he would ask them to continue his speech. Fortunately he didn’t, as he turned to face the guests and carried on with his toast.
“He took the blame. He made us,” he waved his hand, gesturing to all of them (he swore he could hear Kyuhyun clucked his tongue annoyingly right then) “used us to spread another rumour; that there was never a misplaced letter, that Min Ah was actually his crush, and that he was the one who got rejected. And it somehow worked. The taunts on Min Ah lessened, and she even got herself a boyfriend by the end of that semester, didn’t you?” he waved again at Min Ah, and she nodded with pink cheeks. Slowly, he turned to his side to face Ae Ri who was too absorbed listening to his story, and took a deep breath. He could see Hyukjae was biting his lower lip as his toast was coming to its conclusion.
“My point is, dear Ae Ri, when you find a man who would give up his pride for, literally, a stranger, can you imagine what he would do just to make you; his wife, his chosen one happy? When a heart that could love everyone finally chooses to focus its love solely on a person, can you imagine how precious you would be inside his eyes?”
You’d be the happiest person on Earth for a very long time, I bet on my life for that
“So congratulations on finding our Lee Hyukjae. He’s worth a thousand times of the men you’ve ever admired throughout your life.”
He raised his glass, and the guests followed his gesture.
“To the bride and groom, may this love buds and blossoms into something beautiful and eternal.”
And be very, very happy for a long time, Lee Hyukjae, because we’ll be fine
He saw Hyukjae stealing glances at him, and he tried to burn the image on his brain for one last time. It felt like an eternity when their eyes finally met, and Donghae tried his hardest not to be the first one to look away.
We’ll be just fine
-
“So, how’s the wedding?” Sungmin threw him the question as soon as he closed the door behind him. Kyuhyun didn’t answer him immediately; instead he took his time drinking up the sight of Lee Sungmin inside an apron that greeted him as soon as he was home. It was very satisfying seeing one of the dreams he often had about Sungmin was finally realised without him even planning about it.
“Perfect,” Kyuhyun muttered under his breath, and pulled Sungmin by the waist to be near him until there was no space left between them. Sungmin gritted his teeth and wriggled his way out from Kyuhyun’s arms, but Kyuhyun tightened his grip.
“You do know I did mixed martial arts in high school, don’t you?” Sungmin reminded him as he twisted his hand to the back and started to unfold Kyuhyun’s arms around his waist effortlessly, as if he was taking off a very uncomfortable belt. Kyuhyun widened his eyes and began to resist it, but a couple of minutes later, Sungmin already had his hands on Kyuhyun’s chest, pushing him up against the wall.
“Well who would’ve guessed? You seemed to be very submissive at night; I thought you’ve already forgotten all the skills,” he teased when Sungmin grabbed his collar and pulled him for a kiss. When Kyuhyun was nibbling his lower lip a few seconds later, he realised that Sungmin tasted like chocolate and cinnamon.
“There’s no case of any runaway groom, if that’s what you mean,” Kyuhyun finally told him when they pulled away. Sungmin grunted softly at the sudden loss of touch from Kyuhyun, probably wanted for a little bit more of pampering, but then he remembered the cupcakes that he put in the oven earlier. Running hastily into the kitchen, he told Kyuhyun to take a shower and help him to serve the dinner before Hyukjae and his bride arrive.
“Donghae too.” Kyuhyun reminded him the count of guests they’re having tonight as he unbuttoned his sleeves. As he walked past the kitchen to get to their bedroom, he saw Sungmin standing still while holding the perfectly baked cupcakes inside his hand, still steaming hot. His eyes didn’t seem to be focused on whatever he was doing, though.
“Sungmin? What’s wrong?” he asked, entering the kitchen and reached for the tray of cupcakes from Sungmin’s hands after he put on the oven mitt, worried that Sungmin might got hurt if he didn’t.
“Donghae... is not coming tonight.”
“What? Why? What do you mean? He said he’ll be here, didn’t he? For the proper ending or whatever you were telling them.” Kyuhyun said, demanding an explanation and not really convinced with the fact that Sungmin just told him. Knowing Donghae, it was pretty difficult to believe anything that he was saying because he couldn’t even remember what he was saying himself sometimes. But Sungmin looked convincing, and nothing was scarier than a confident Sungmin with his fact.
Sungmin took Kyuhyun’s left hand and looked at the wristwatch that was still wrapped around his wrist. It was ten minutes past eight.
“The toast was the proper ending from him for Hyukjae.”
-
What Kyuhyun didn’t know was that last night, after he dropped Hyukjae off at his house from the bachelor party and told him “see you tomorrow” as if it was the usual parting of two best friends, Donghae drove all the way past his apartment and straight to their house. It was almost midnight, and Sungmin was tuning the guitar Kyuhyun bought for him a few weeks ago when he heard the doorbell rang. Thinking that it was probably a drunken Kyuhyun who couldn’t remember the password to the door, he jumped off the couch and walked towards the front door, getting ready to scold his lover when Donghae greeted him with a frown on his face.
“Donghae? What’s wrong?”
“Everything. Everything is wrong. You’re not supposed to be dead, Hyukjae was not supposed to get married, I was not supposed to be the asshole I was and Kyuhyun was not supposed to fall in love with you because that’s where everything went wrong! Everything!” he yelled, and broke down in tears right in front of Sungmin. It was probably very awkward for them, but Sungmin still pulled Donghae into the house and gave him a warm hug, telling him that he was sorry and Donghae cried like a baby on his shoulder.
“He was mine. I was his. I thought we already belonged to the right places all these years. How come everything is slipping through my fingers in just a short amount of time?” he cried again, still resting his head on Sungmin’s shoulder, and Sungmin couldn’t answer him because he was trying his hardest not to cry. It took him almost ten minutes to finally cool Donghae down, and when he did, he made him a cup of coffee and sat him down at the kitchen table top.
“I’m leaving.” Donghae suddenly announced, and Sungmin blinked twice, a tad confused.
“So soon? At least finish you coffee first.”
“No, I mean I’m leaving.” Donghae said again, stressing on the last words and Sungmin finally understood.
“Oh,” he said, putting his cup of coffee onto the table and palmed his hands against each other. Donghae watched him as he placed his perfect chin in the space between his thumbs and his index fingers, searching for the right words to be said. None come to mind, and all that was left were the typical questions.
“When?”
“Tomorrow, after the wedding.” Sungmin wanted to remind him about the one last dinner he was planning for them, but seeing how Donghae was, he didn’t seem to forget about it. He just didn’t want to do it.
“Where to?” he asked, and Donghae chuckled. He didn’t sound as chirpy as he usually did.
“If I told you, that would beat the purpose, wouldn’t it?” he proposed, and Sungmin smiled as he nodded his head, agreeing. It was another silent minute before Sungmin threw him another question, and Donghae was pretty sure it would be something he could guess.
“Did Hyukjae know about this?”
Bingo.
“No. That’s why I’m here.”
“I thought you’re here to throw your tantrums at me?” Sungmin teased him, and covered his mouth after he realised that it might be a little inappropriate of him to say it to him like that. Donghae let out a smile telling him that it was okay.
“Well that was one of the reasons too. But this is the real reason why I’m here,” he fished into the side pocket of his jumper, and pulled out a box of cigarette. Taking it away from Donghae’s hand, Sungmin then proceeded to observe the box. It was still wrapped in plastic, untouched, except there were two words written with a black Sharpie on one side of it.
‘My Promise’
“What’s this?” Sungmin pointed at the writing, and Donghae shook his head.
“That’s for Hyukjae to figure out. Just make sure you give this to him when he’s here tomorrow.” Donghae told him as he stood up, getting ready to leave. Sungmin walked him to the front door.
“I’m sorry we live in a society that believes there must be a valid reason for us to love someone.” Sungmin suddenly said, and Donghae was stopped in the hallway.
“And I’m even more sorry to know that there’s no way everyone could have their happiness without someone else’s sacrifice,” Donghae replied, and Sungmin was flabbergasted. It took him a few seconds to scramble through the words inside his head to find the right ones to say to Donghae.
“Thank you, Donghae.” Sungmin said to him as he opened the door. Donghae gave him a small smile before pulling him in for a peck on the cheek.
“You have to be happy with Kyuhyun, Vincent Lee. You have to. No matter how hard it’d be in the future, no matter how bratty he turns out to be one day, you cannot leave him, and you have to be happy.” He told him with a low voice, almost like a whisper.
“You have to be happy, because this is my revenge.”
Sungmin closed his eyes and nodded.
He was pretty sure that would be the last time he see Lee Donghae; someone whom he thought was not worth Lee Hyukjae’s love, someone who was insignificant and usually appeared only in the background of every story Hyukjae had ever told him, and who would’ve thought he was able to be happy because of his sacrifice?
Life is a bottomless pit of uncertainty and surprises
-
When Hyukjae arrived with Ae Ri that night, the three grown men were forced to cover their ears as her scream exploded throughout the threshold.
“You were dead! I read about you, I saw you on the news! My dad talked about you for days at the dinner table! You were dead!” and Hyukjae had to pull her aside to calm her down while Sungmin and Kyuhyun were rubbing their ears, still going through the shock of her high-pitched voice in their heads.
“Very ladylike,” Kyuhyun grunted, and Sungmin smacked his arm.
“You weren’t exactly the opposite when I first came back,” he teased, and Kyuhyun scrunched his nose.
“Okay I wasn’t so cool, but at least I didn’t blow your eardrums to pieces,” he sulked, bumping his shoulder to Sungmin’s as he walked into the kitchen to get the fruit salad he prepared earlier (that was the only thing he was good at making and Sungmin let him). Ae Ri then slowly walked towards where Sungmin was standing, arranging the dishes and fixing the champagne glasses.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But you couldn’t expect me to be calm about knowing my brother in-law is still alive.” She apologised, and Sungmin laughed as she took a plate of boiled broccoli from his hand and placed it exactly in front of Hyukjae’s seat. Her husband grimaced at the sight of his ‘arch enemy’.
“Technically, I’m not. So you can’t tell anyone about this,” Sungmin warned her as they were all sat at the table. Hyukjae smiled as he watched how natural Kyuhyun was placing his arm at the back of Sungmin’s chair, not afraid of showing who he was to Sungmin and that Sungmin belonged to him. Ae Ri turned to look at him with a confused expression on her face, asking for an explanation and Hyukjae slowly nodded with an awkward grin.
“Aaahh...” Ae Ri breathed, and Sungmin could feel his face getting hotter while Kyuhyun, being Kyuhyun, wasn’t really concerned about Ae Ri’s curiosity.
“So... what’s with you being dead, though?” Ae Ri threw him a question, and Sungmin was ready for it. Underneath the table and away from the newly wed couple’s sights, Kyuhyun was palming the back of his hand, and Sungmin breathed in.
“Long story, but really, I was just looking for my place. Somewhere I really belong. And I find it here.” He looked up to his side to gaze on Kyuhyun’s face, and what a great feeling it was to see that Kyuhyun was already looking at him with a knowing smile. Hyukjae felt a painful tear in his heart as he saw Sungmin’s happy face.
Once upon a time, Sungmin was sitting in his place, watching him and Donghae being in love without restriction with each other, looking at Kyuhyun from a safe distance. Once upon a time, how different it was to both of them.
The night continued with Kyuhyun questioning the relevance of Ae Ri choosing Jeju for their honeymoon when they could travel to the Caribbean for all they want. Hyukjae was listening to Ae Ri’s reasoning on the budget, the time and the availability in their schedule that supported her decision when he felt someone’s weight was dipping in next to him on the couch.
“He’s not coming, is he?” he whispered, careful enough so that the two adults who were bickering on the balcony in front of them wouldn’t be able to hear his voice. Sungmin solemnly nodded.
“Hyukjae-ah...”
“It’s okay, hyung. I’ll just call him tomorrow and invite him for breakfast. Ae Ri wants to have a talk with my best man, too. She didn’t get a chance to have a chat with him today,” he turned around and forced a smile. Sungmin palmed his brother’s face and Hyukjae’s expression changed.
“Hyukjae-ah, what am I going to do with you?”
“What do you mean, hyung?” but Sungmin didn’t answer him. Instead, he pulled out the box of cigarette from his back and handed it to Hyukjae.
“He told me to give this to you.” Hyukjae took the box away his hand, and his eyes turned watery at the sight of the words jotted down with black Sharpie. Sungmin wasn't really sure how or why, but right then he knew there was this connection between Donghae and Hyukjae that wouldn't be broken. Words weren't enough to describe it, but Sungmin was sure that every lover had one. An understanding of things that other people wouldn't be able to decipher; things that were comprehensible just between them. And Sungmin was sure, the bond between Donghae and Hyukjae would probably still be there long after everyone was gone and the Earth turned into ashes.
‘My Promise’
“Idiot. Idiot Lee Donghae. I was in love with an idiot. He doesn’t have to go away. He’s not supposed to go away. We could still meet coincidentally at the malls, or have coffees together. We could still watch soccer when the World Cup is around. Now what am I supposed to do, hyung? What am I supposed to do when he’s not around?” he whispered again, controlling his voice and pressing his tears so that Ae Ri wouldn’t suspect anything. She didn’t, because Kyuhyun was still bickering with her, distracting her as Sungmin hugged his little brother and comforted him with soothing words.
“Because he’s not going to be around forever, and you might not be in love with him fifty years from now. Because he’s not the type of guy who would hurt a woman’s heart. Because he’s the idiot who loves you, Hyukjae-ah,” Sungmin told him as they pulled away. Hyukjae sniffed, and breathed in.
“Because he believes that we’ll be fine. That we’ll be just fine.” He whispered to himself as Sungmin rubbed the back of his nape.
“Because he knows we’re already back into our own places. Back to where we belong.”
“Okay, so where are we heading?” Hyukjae asked as Donghae finished locking down his garage and kicked the hyper ecstatic junior mechanic named Chanyeol for yelling goodbye too damn close to his ear that evening. He was having a little chat with a small young man named Junmyeon who was waiting for Chanyeol earlier, and seeing how Junmyeon totally disappeared inside Chanyeol’s arms as the giant hugged him somehow reminded him of the days when he waited for Donghae to finish his classes; one of the requirement was for the owner to have his mechanical skills printed and framed on the garage’s wall. Donghae would always carry his backpack for him and he would always hold the popsicle they bought on the way home for Donghae.
(When they’re home, they were both tired, and their nights usually ended early with Donghae falling asleep in front of the television and him at his study desk)
Slowly, his eyes wandered towards Donghae who was frantically searching for his car key. Seeing how Donghae was even thinking of the possibility that it might be in his shoes, he then laughed, thinking that it was amazing how clumsy people like him and Donghae were able to manage a garage for so long without giving in to anything. Really, what made them so determined and unbreakable back then?
“Okay, I found it! Tonight, my love, thanks to the amazing research skills of Kim Ryeowook and Kim Jongwoon together with Choi Siwon’s unlimited wealth, we are heading towards heaven for your last bachelor night!” Donghae yelled, a little too happy when he found the key was in his pants pocket all along. Hyukjae let out a deep sigh before following Donghae’s gesture, ushering him to enter the car as he opened the door for him.
“Dramatic. But really, where are we heading?” he asked, too lazy to went along with Donghae’s idiocy. Donghae let out a small laugh before he proceeded with;
“Nowhere actually. Just that bar we used to hang out together with everyone.” Donghae said with a relaxed tone, it looked like he had already calmed down. Hyukjae smiled softly and took a moment to observe Donghae’s face once again before he shut the door of the old Honda Civic. He wanted to drive his own car to the meeting place since Donghae was going to go home straight anyways after that and he shouldn’t bother him to drive him back home, but thinking how easily he fell asleep after a few bottles of booze, he shook the idea off his head.
“Hey Donghae?”
“Hm?”
“You just called me ‘my love’.”
“Haha, I know. It was a slip of the tongue. I thought you didn’t hear that.”
-
Hyukjae already had his seatbelt buckled when Donghae ignited the engine of his old Honda Civic. The plastic sunflower pot that danced whenever the sunlight reached its solar panel trembled violently on the car’s dashboard, and Hyukjae couldn’t help but shook his head.
“You still haven’t fix the engine belt, have you?” he asked, brows slightly furrowed as he glared onto Donghae’s face when Donghae grinned idiotically and shook his head. He then laughed and pointed at the few black spots near Donghae’s ears and the roots of his hair; obviously he missed them when he was washing up earlier. Donghae crinkled his nose as he tried to wipe the grease away with his hand, but when Hyukjae told him laughingly how he had gotten them smeared even worse than before, he gave up and shrugged.
“It’s going to come out sooner or later once I sweat or shower anyways,” and Hyukjae gave him a look of ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ before Donghae looked at him and smiled like an innocent boy.
(He missed that smile, really)
“Here,” Hyukjae said in between his chuckles, pulling out a yellow handkerchief from his shirt pocket and proceeded to wipe the stain off Donghae’s face. He was probably trying too hard at erasing the small little spot on Donghae’s forehead, though, with his brows furrowed and eyes focused when Donghae suddenly grabbed his wrist and yelled out in pain.
“That’s my face, you idiot! Not a goddamn plank, sheesh, Lee Hyukjae!”
“Oh my god I’m sorry!” Hyukjae shrieked when he realised how red Donghae’s forehead was. It looked as if he had just gotten hit by a baseball a few minutes ago. However it took him just a few seconds to shift from his sympathy look to an amused one when Donghae was frowning like a little kid who had been pinched by his mom when he did something wrong as he tried to soothe down the prickly feeling on his skin with his palm.
“You did this on purpose, didn’t you?” Donghae blindly accused, still palming his red forehead but his free hand was directed towards the radio to turn it on. Since the car was old, it had always been a habit for both of them to let the engine warm up for at least ten minutes before they started their journey. Usually while waiting like this, Donghae would tell stories about the clients that he had to deal with for that day and Hyukjae would smile, nod or at least gave him the proper reaction to whatever he was talking about.
(But no, not today. It would be weird if they did that today, and they both knew it. Even though Donghae missed the hums Hyukjae usually let out as a reaction to his stories, and even though Hyukjae missed the chatterbox Donghae was, not today)
It was hot and humid that evening, and unfortunately the air conditioning wasn’t working (it had never really been for almost two years now), so Hyukjae rolled down the window and enjoyed the warm wind that was blowing softly as Donghae finally drove the car off its parking and onto the road.
“Why would I do that on purpose? Come on, have I ever did something harmful to your face before this?” he finally said, his voice was low but his tone was steady, trying to retain his innocence on the matter discussed. Donghae moved his mouth in an annoying manner, mocking Hyukjae’s words inaudibly. His hand was still trying to tune in on any radio station that played songs instead of the non-stop blab of the announcers, but unfortunately there were none. Hyukjae pointed to the CD port just above the dim digital display of the car’s radio, probably wondering why Donghae didn’t put in any CD he had in the car like he used to whenever the radio was boring, and Donghae shook his head gravely without any words. Not convinced, Hyukjae duck down to observe the CD port carefully, only to find an already bent credit card stuck vertically inside. He squinted, trying to read the name that was half visible on the card - Kim Jongwoon. Well, that explained A LOT.
“Because you wanna be the most good-looking for tomorrow, aren’t you?” Donghae said, trying to make it sound like a teasing joke but failed miserably at doing so after their impromptu silent conversation ended, and Hyukjae sat up back to his initial position, straight and probably a little bit stiff. Seeing that his question wouldn’t be answered, Donghae let out a nervous chuckle.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay. I understand it must be nerve-wrecking for you, getting ready to walk down the aisle and all. Sorry I haven’t been there like how a best man should be when I’m the one who volunteered. I mean I’d understand if you want to have Kyuhyun instead of me tomorrow since he suggested the band and sponsored the tux, but then there goes my speech that I’ve been writing and editing for the last two weeks, and-” he blurted out without thinking, really, he talked like a broken video player when he was nervous, but he was halted when he felt Hyukjae’s thin fingers were caressing the back of his hand that was gripping the gear lever.
“Donghae, just shut up.”
“But-”
“Shush.”
Following Hyukjae’s order, he drove the car mindlessly towards downtown where Ryeowook and the others were waiting. Kyuhyun said he’s going to be there after he came back from his shopping with Sungmin, so make sure to not to be too drunk before he arrived. Donghae did ask Sungmin if he was going to join, too, but the latter said it would be best if he doesn’t show up. Donghae didn’t understand; wasn’t being present at your own brother’s bachelor party a rule for everyone?
“I shouldn’t have listen to Sungmin,” Hyukjae suddenly mumbled under his breath, probably whispering to himself but despite the opened window and the sound of the almost malfunctioned engine inside Donghae’s Civic hood, the words didn’t escape his ears.
“Why?” Donghae asked, eyes didn’t leave the road. Even though he could be really haphazard in doing everything beside his work, Hyukjae could really tell that he had changed with his way of driving. The street lamps were lit up as Donghae drove past them, and the evening began to darken as the road was getting brighter. Hyukjae briefly thought how ironic it was to see the light that illuminated the city and kept these urban humans away from the daunting darkness was also the reason why we couldn’t see how bright and beautiful the constellations every night. Really, there’s something painfully beautiful in ironies like this.
“What did Sungmin say to you?” Donghae finally asked him again, still not satisfied when his first question was ignored. Hyukjae mentally scolded himself for unconsciously letting his thought out, and he was sure Donghae would call him stupid if he ever explains it to him.
“Nothing. He just reminded me to enjoy myself tonight,” he lied and forced up a smile, but with the outside getting darker the further Donghae drove, Hyukjae was sure he couldn’t see it anyways, so after a few seconds, his smile faded and turned into a frown which he couldn’t recognise himself.
“I have something to give you,” Donghae suddenly announced, albeit hesitantly, and Hyukjae’s gaze was pulled away from the catseyes on the road and the glimpsing lights of the tall buildings from afar when he heard Donghae’s voice turned thick. His un-styled hair made his bang poked him in the eyes when the wind was blowing from the opened window as he turned his head towards the fidgety Donghae, but he still refused to push them away from his face. Donghae still got his eyes on the road and both his hands on the wheel, awkwardly trying to avoid Hyukjae’s gaze, but after a few seconds he knew he was failing and finally glanced over to the curious Hyukjae instead.
Hyukjae didn’t have to ask any question, because he knew and Donghae knew that Donghae could read it from his face. Letting out a small smile, Donghae turned his focus back onto driving and breathed out; as if he was holding it in since they hit the road.
“I have something to give to you, but first, I’m going to kidnap you from the bachelor party for about half an hour,” he explained it again as he signalled the car to the left, exiting the main highway and Hyukjae could see the road in front of them was slowly turning into a familiar street instead.
Imagine a universe where time never existed, and we don’t have a past to be regretted or a future to fret about, and all I have to do is to make you happy.
Trust me, I’d choose that universe without any hesitation.
-
It wasn’t a surprise to Hyukjae when Donghae finally stopped in front of the gate of their old high school. In fact, subconsciously it was probably the first place he wanted to see tonight.
The headlamp blipped twice as Donghae pressed the lock button on the remote. Hyukjae was leaning against the front hood, talking on the phone when Donghae walked to his side and gestured a questioning look.
“Ryeowook,” he deadpanned, one hand palming the receiver on his phone hoping the said speaker on the other end of the line would not be able to hear it. But he knew Ryeowook did hear him just fine because by then, he could hear that little man shrieked then repeatedly and excitedly said Donghae’s name out loud to whoever that was in the same room with him. Donghae nodded understandingly and waited next to Hyukjae as he listened to him bickering with the currently over excited Ryeowook.
“Yes, I’m with him right now. No, don’t tell them to go home; we’re coming, just a little bit late, okay?” he told Ryeowook, loudly but in a slower pace, as if he was actually speaking with a three year old who had just gotten his tongue. A moment later, Hyukjae sighed heavily as the call beeped to an end.
“He thought we’re eloping, didn’t he?” Donghae asked and ended his question with a laugh, trying to make it sound like a joke. To his relief, Hyukjae was laughing quietly to his question as he leant onto the front hood of the car, gazing into the night sky. The sky was so clear and beautiful tonight and the street was dimmer than the ones in the city; they could see the constellations of stars lining up perfectly above their heads instead of the streetlamp’s yellow light.
“He’s always the positive one. Like that time when we’re trying to teach Jongwoon how to drive. Really, who would’ve thought one day Jongwoon will drive his own car?” Hyukjae finally said, reminiscing the victory time when Jongwoon finally didn’t have to look at his hand on the lever while shifting the gears anymore. Donghae nodded, agreeing.
“He’s still a bad driver, though.”
“Nah, I would say average. Their new Wrangler only had three crashes so far compared to the old Nissan. That’s something.” Hyukjae defended, because Jongwoon did become a better driver and even if he didn’t, their garage would always be there for his cars.
He meant, Donghae’s garage.
(but it felt alien to say it out loud so he didn’t)
There was a long pause after that. A long silence, but it was comfortable. It was the type of silence that you had with your brothers and sisters during homework time, or while you were skipping classes on the rooftop with your buddies. Nobody’s talking, and nobody’s trying to be funny because everybody knew everyone was busy with a lot of thoughts in their minds. Just like how Hyukjae was secretly wishing for-
“I wish I can be more like Ryeowook. So that even years after this, I can still hope that we’re going to be back to each other’s sides and still be in love. So that I can hope today is just the day we have to make the right choice for everyone, but not the best choice for us. I want to still believe that one day, we’re going to have our own chance to be happy, and we don’t have to do it for anyone’s sake. Not your mother, not your brother, not your future wife, not anyone. Just us.” Donghae finally said, breaking the silence that Hyukjae was appreciating. Surprised, he turned his head towards Donghae, and he saw that Donghae was already looking at him with a smile on his face.
Ah, Lee Donghae didn’t really understand the concept of subtlety.
“Even if it means fifty years from now?” Hyukjae then asked jestingly; his eyes caught the crinkles that formed at the ends of Donghae’s eyes as he laughed with him.
“Even if it means fifty-one years from now.”
“But we’re going to be old and crippled by then. We might not even remember anything about each other anymore.” Hyukjae teased, and Donghae frowned. For a while, they had forgotten about the bachelor party or the wedding. For a few minutes, Donghae’s head was only filled with Hyukjae’s smiles and Hyukjae was pretty contented listening to the little sniffs that Donghae made whenever he laughed.
For a few minutes in their world, it felt as if the separation never happened.
“The day when I finally forget you, Lee Hyukjae, will probably be the day you start to be happy without me,” Donghae replied, a bitter smile appeared thin on his lips. Hyukjae shook his head.
“Don’t be so full of yourself. There were already days when I’m happy without you so far.”
“Great, because I can never be Ryeowook.” Donghae laughed again, but this time Hyukjae knew it was forced out of his lungs. He wanted Donghae to stop trying to look so happy, because he knew he wasn’t, because he himself wasn’t delighted but Hyukjae didn’t want to stop listening to Donghae’s voice.
“Come,” Donghae held out his hand, and Hyukjae automatically reached for it. Feeling the night breeze slowly nipping at his nose, Hyukjae was reminded of their younger days when Donghae threw punches towards the other kids who were bullying him and then took him to the nearest grocery shop to buy him some ice-cream. Pulling his hand like that, Donghae would nag at him for being too weak and told him to eat more so that he would grow healthier and meatier.
“No way,” Hyukjae breathed out, surprised when Donghae let go of his hand as they reached the place he wanted to show him. Smiling proudly, he patted the corroded pole of the lamp post near the back gate of the school, as if saying thank you for still being there till this day at the inanimate object.
“They moved the back gate a few years ago, so it’s hard to recognise it but yeah, this is the same lamp post.” Donghae told him as he looked up at the flickering amber light; still hadn’t been fixed but still functioning even after years had passed. Hyukjae slowly walked towards where Donghae was standing and put his hand on the other side of the pole.
“It’s still here.”
“It is.” Donghae whispered, almost unheard and probably to himself, but Hyukjae could hear it perfectly. Breathing in, Hyukjae muttered his courage to ask Donghae the reason why he brought them here but he was cut off by Donghae’s request.
“Can I kiss you? For one last time, can I hold you? Just for a while, just for a little while. For this one last time, can we pretend the growing up speech we’ve been having never happened? Because not having you anywhere near me is tiring, it’s exhausting and I’m going to lose you to someone else tomorrow anyway so can we-” Donghae stopped talking when Hyukjae pulled him closer, so close that the tips of their noses bumped against each other. He brought one of his palms to Hyukjae’s cheek, and as if on cue, Hyukjae turned his head a little, kissing the inside of Donghae’s palm. They stayed like that for almost a minute before Hyukjae pulled Donghae’s hand away from his face and wrapped his arms around his waist.
“I love you,” Hyukjae finally said before his lips touched the side of Donghae’s lips. It was weird. ‘I love you’ was one of the phrases that he had taken for granted in the ten years they were together. Donghae said it every day, every time he came home from work, during dinner time when he tried to cook a meal but failed, every time they saw each other, all the time. Donghae said it effortlessly, and all along in Hyukjae’s mind he thought it was only a waste of energy to keep on repeating something that was well known to everyone.
It was weird, because right now, while they were back standing underneath the same flickering light where they had their first kiss many many years ago, he was feeling sorry for Donghae and himself just because of the inadequacy of that damn phrase.
“I love you,” he said it again, because he felt like an idiot for being too ashamed to say it out loud while he had the chance, the right to say it in front of everyone.
“I love you, Lee Donghae,” and again, for the times he slept without reciprocating to Donghae’s kisses. Donghae didn’t say anything except letting out a hum as he leant in to bury his nose into the crooks on Hyukjae’s neck. Hyukjae took another deep breath, holding his tears in and moved his hand that was on Donghae’s back in a circular movement. It was slow and gentle, soothing and a little bit melancholic because he used to do that whenever they were cuddling on the sofa on the days when Donghae was having his flu and couldn’t work.
“It’s because we’re in love, that’s why it hurts. But we’ll be fine. I know we’ll be fine,” he whispered against Donghae’s hair, inhaling the sweet smell of strawberry scented shampoo that he left behind that day. It was half-bottle finished anyways, and Hyukjae didn’t think Donghae would keep it, but it seemed as if Donghae had changed his shampoo to the same brand.
Oh silly Donghae and his attachments to small details like these
“We’ll be fine,” Donghae repeated his words, as if a chant to keep himself strong enough to pull away from Hyukjae a few minutes later. His eyes were red, and Hyukjae knew he cried, because there were fresh tear stains on his shirt. Hyukjae nodded as he wiped the tears away from Donghae’s eyes using his thumb and smiled.
Donghae’s iPhone was vibrating a few seconds later. As soon as he saw the name on the screen, he frowned and showed it to Hyukjae. It was Kyuhyun and Donghae was sure if he answer it right then, all he could hear was a lot of cussing; one for being late, two for kidnapping the celebrated groom so he ignored it until it stopped ringing.
“I guess we have to go now.”
“You said you have something to give me?” Hyukjae asked as they were heading back towards the car. Donghae was still using his sleeves to dry his eyes when he stopped walking and grunted; he was just reminded about that. Hyukjae laughed and shook his head.
“Tomorrow,” he said, as he unlocked the car. Hyukjae had already settled in his seat when he ignited the engine and shifted to the first gear.
“I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”
“Okay, fine. But what is it anyways?” Hyukjae asked again; impatient and a little bit frustrated. Donghae chuckled and slowly answered;
“An overdue promise.”
-
Ironically, of all the days they had spent being together; Hyukjae looked the best on the day he finally belonged to someone else. Donghae realised this when he secretly opened the dressing room for the groom the morning of Hyukjae’s wedding day. His skin looked healthier and fairer, his legs seemed to be longer and his smile, dear Lord, all of a sudden his smile appeared as if it could turn the audience blind in just a flash. Clearing his throat and fixing his neck tie, Donghae took a deep breath and forced up a smile.
(something he had been practicing for the whole time Hyukjae wasn’t by his side)
“Wow, he really outdid himself, that Cho Kyuhyun,” Donghae said, whistling at Hyukjae as he entered the room. The old tailor who personally brought the tuxedo from his store after a little alteration made last minute smiled as he saw Hyukjae spun around in front of the mirror, admiring his work.
“Well he said I can keep it. I guess that’s what you get when you’re best friend with one of the best lawyers in town,” Hyukjae told him smilingly and Donghae was keeping the urge to cover his eyes with all the glitters he saw raining all over Hyukjae.
“Nope, that’s what you get when I’m head over heels with your big brother,” Kyuhyun appeared in the doorway with two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon in one hand and its bottle in another. He offered the old tailor a glass, and he gladly accepted it. Donghae whistled again, this time admiring the expensive red wine in Kyuhyun’s hand and wondered if there was any other way he would like to show off his wealth today.
“Yah, Cho Kyuhyun! Let me have a taste of that badass red wi-oh. Wow, Hyukjae, you really look like a chaebol.” Ryeowook came crashing behind him, holding an empty wine glass and Donghae understood the situation instantly. If there was anyone who could become Kyuhyun’s competitor in savouring the finest wine ever existed, it would be Ryeowook (except for the fact that Ryeowook would rather spend his money on abandoned animals than a cellar with controlled temperature underneath his study room just for his wine collection like Kyuhyun. Also, leeching off Kyuhyun’s collection was always an option, now that he had become best friends with Sungmin).
“He is a chaebol.” Kyuhyun deadpanned as he surrendered the bottle to the pushy Kim Ryeowook. Donghae didn’t understand why, but Kyuhyun’s words that were spoken mindlessly felt prickly in his chest. Like there would always be something that he missed about Hyukjae, something so obvious and literal but he took it for granted because he thought Hyukjae was going to be his forever (and he didn’t like it one bit).
“You want some?” Ryeowook poured another glass of Sauvignon and offered it to Donghae, but he politely shook his head and gestured him to give it to the groom instead.
“Hyukjae might need it more than I am right now,” he said teasingly, patting Hyukjae’s shoulder as he smiled at him through the mirror. He didn’t expect Hyukjae to palm his hand as he was pulling it away. Kyuhyun caught them gazing into each other’s eyes but Ryeowook didn’t (he was still busy figuring out the year of the wine), so swiftly, he pulled Ryeowook by the neck and brought him out of the room. On their way out, he gestured for the old tailor to leave with him, and Donghae was glad to know how sensible Kyuhyun could be at times.
“Is Siwon here yet? I heard he ticked ‘plus one’ on the invitation. Let’s ruin his image in front of his date today,” he suggested to Ryeowook and they could hear Ryeowook’s excited voice all the way from the end of the hallway. The old tailor excused himself and Hyukjae thanked him as he closed the door shut.
It was eerily silent when everyone was out of the room, leaving both of them still having their eyes on each other through their reflections in the mirror. Donghae then reached out, touching Hyukjae’s reflection; nose, lips, eyes and back to lips.
“You look so beautiful today.”
“You mean handsome?”
“Gorgeous.” Donghae stood with his point, stubborn. Hyukjae laughed and he wanted to turn around so that they will be facing each other instead of looking at only their reflections in the mirror, but Donghae kept both his hands onto his shoulders and made him stay in his place.
“Donghae?” Hyukjae called out his name, confused. Donghae giggled when he heard how crooked his name sounded from Hyukjae’s lips.
“Let me save this image of you inside my hard drive,” he said with a serious face, but Hyukjae knew very well he was joking. Playing along, he followed every direction Donghae wanted him to be, turning around and stopped every time Donghae made a shutter sound of a camera with his mouth.
“Saving... Hyukkie’s_Wedding.jpg. Saving... Gorgeous_Hyukkie.jpg. Saving... Perfection.jpg. Okay, we are done. You may buy the printed photos at the booth after the event,” he said, grinning, and Hyukjae rolled his eyes.
“What, new profession? Giving up on the garage, become Donghae the professional stalker?” he joked. Donghae still didn’t let him turn around, but he could see him reaching into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet box. His smile faded.
Small happiness didn’t really last long, did they?
“I’m saving them for future references. Today is probably the last day you’d look this mesmerising.” He said, slowly opening the box and revealed the shiny rock inside. Chuckling, Donghae showed it to Hyukjae.
“Your mother threw this to me when I came in just now. She said not to lose it. I’m surprised she didn’t call the guards to shove my ass out from the hall.” He told him as Hyukjae took the ring and inspected it. It was a golden band with three roses carved on each side of a 5-carat diamond. His mother’s taste had always been simple yet stylish. Too many decoration had always been the reason why a lot of expensive things looked cheaper than its worth, and she understood that perfectly. Maybe it was one of the reasons why she nodded instantly when Hyukjae finally decided to propose to Ae Ri. In her simpleness, Ae Ri had this luxurious glory that overflowed within her. Her gestures, her way of speak, the way her hands moved when she laughed, and the twinkles in her eyes whenever she was listening to someone was not of the commoners.
“She chose this, saying it’s perfect for Ae Ri.”
“She’s right. Nothing decorates a diamond like her better than a perfect diamond itself.”
“You think she’s perfect?” Hyukjae asked him out of the blue, and for a few seconds, Donghae seemed hesitant.
“No, you’re right. Right now she’s probably not. But after today, she will be. Because she have you.” Donghae said, finally allowing Hyukjae to turn around to face him. Palming his face, Hyukjae asked him why.
“I know I was perfect when you’re with me. Damn it Lee Hyukjae, how could anyone not be perfect when they have you?”
“That’s very flattering,” Hyukjae laughed and thanked him. Their talk was interrupted when Siwon came knocking at the door, calling for the groom and his best man to come out and greet the guests.
“We’ll be out in five minutes,” Donghae told him, and Siwon nodded with a knowing smile. Turning on his heels, he was facing Hyukjae once again, but this time, there was a different feel inside his gaze and for some unknown reasons, Hyukjae didn’t really like it. It looked energetic and filled with confidence, but at the same time, it seemed defeated, ripped and torn.
“Ready?” he asked him, dusting his shoulders and fixing his hair. Hyukjae nodded solemnly as he reached for Donghae’s hand, and Donghae let him.
Just once. For this last time, let me hold you
Guiding him towards the door, Donghae’s grip felt tighter a few seconds before he turned the knob open, and he whispered the sacred words that Hyukjae told him the night before (underneath the dim, flickering light where they had their first kiss);
“We’ll be fine. We’ll be just fine.”
Because we’re in love
...and then the grip was loosened.
-
When he saw Lee Ae Ri walking down the aisle arm in arm with her father who couldn’t stop smiling, Donghae was certain that it won’t be long for Hyukjae to put every memory they had together in the dusty old box at the back of his mind. She was a sweetheart with a gentle smile, small but sharp nose and pretty bright eyes, and it would take a total idiot to not falling in love with this girl at first glance.
“She’s beautiful,” he whispered as he moved closer the slightly nervous Hyukjae, waiting for his bride to arrive by his side. Scrunching his face, Hyukjae tilted his head a little bit towards Donghae.
“You said that to me earlier,” he grunted, dissatisfied. Donghae chuckled and reached for Hyukjae’s hand when he was sure nobody was watching them because let’s face it; the bride was supposed to be the centre of attention in every wedding and Ae Ri just killed it perfectly. Grazing his fingers above Hyukjae’s tight knuckles, he tried to give him an assurance - of what, he wasn’t really sure anymore - and he could see Hyukjae’s shoulder relaxed.
“Come on, Hyukjae, it’s impossible to say the opposite about her. She’s stunning,” he told him, almost clenching his teeth, though. Hyukjae sighed, and let out a small laugh. Ae Ri was getting nearer, and Donghae wanted to hate her delighted smile (he never could) as Hyukjae finally took his hand away from his and reached for Ae Ri’s. It felt as if he was hit with a metaphor that he didn’t want to understand (but unfortunately he did).
Donghae walked a step backward after he handed Hyukjae the ring, avoiding Hyukjae’s meaningful glance on him as he received it. As soon as he was back in his place, in line with Kyuhyun and the others, he could feel a hand patting his back.
“Good job, Lee Donghae. Good job,” Kyuhyun said as he turned around. It was hard to see his friend’s face when he was trying hard to hold his tears in. But he knew Kyuhyun saw it, because a few seconds later, he reached for his pocket and pulled out a blue handkerchief.
“You never look good crying, dude,” he commented as he handed the cloth to him. Donghae thanked him as he took it, and wiped his eyes discreetly.
“But just for today, I won’t say anything about it. And I won’t say anything about today in the future, either. So when this is over, go home. I’ll cover you up.” Kyuhyun offered, but Donghae shook his head.
“Thanks, but I still have the best man’s toast to do.”
Kyuhyun nodded, understood and he didn’t say anything after that because their attention was back onto the bride and groom at the altar. Hyukjae was holding up the ring, and Ae Ri was waiting eagerly for him to slide it on her finger. The guests were whispering when he halted and turned around, eyes searching for Donghae in the back. His mother was frowning; clearly she was not happy with his reaction.
As if on cue, Donghae walked a few steps towards the front, letting Hyukjae to see him. When their eyes met, he smiled and mouthed something. Hyukjae took a deep breath, smiled back at him and turned to face the now confused Ae Ri once again.
“We’ll be fine.” He whispered.
Lee Hyukjae officially became Lee Ae Ri’s husband on Sunday, 3.36 in the afternoon.
-
Donghae cleared his throat, and raised his glass until it was parallel to his chest. His eyes then travelled towards the front of the dining hall that was reserved for the reception which was filled with families and friends of both bride and groom. Just a few steps away, Hyukjae’s mother was intensely staring at him, as if hoping he would skip out his speech and just waltz himself out from the hall; maybe from her life too, if he could. Probably he was too lost in thoughts, because a few moments later, Ryeowook, who was standing near the wall with an anticipating Jongwoon and probably a half-listening Kyuhyun cleared his throat a few times while subtly calling out his name in between.
“Cue, Donghae. Cue.”
Donghae blinked thrice and forced up a smile. Smiling had always been hard these past few months or probably since a year ago when he saw Hyukjae’s back disappearing into his car with his luggage (and his heart). Donghae had surprisingly mastered the skill of faking a smile for the sake of everyone around him, fortunately. He felt a pull on the hem of his sleeve; Hyukjae was whispering ‘are you okay?’ to him, so very concerned and innocent, and his heart suddenly felt lighter.
(Maybe because it was Hyukjae who asked, or maybe Hyukjae had always been his healing potion for every fright and sadness, Donghae didn’t have enough time to ponder)
“Ah, right,” he said, pulling out the speech he had been preparing since two weeks ago, and the guests were clapping (Siwon initiated it, though, thinking that maybe an encouragement from the crowd was all Donghae need).
“Hyukjae loves women,” he started loudly, and Hyukjae slapped his arm while yelling out his name, which was reciprocated with the roaring laughter from the guests. Donghae laughed heartily before apologising, gently holding Hyukjae’s shoulder and when the laughter subsided, he raised his glass once again while clearing his throat.
“But really, in a very respectful and gentleman way, Lee Hyukjae loves women. He appreciates you ladies,” he turned to Ae Ri, and then to Hyukjae’s mother with a grin and then back towards the guests, “as the beautiful yet unbreakable creatures you are. Like there’s one time during our high school years, when he put a love letter in the wrong shoe locker, it ended up in someone else’s hand. Ah, Gong Min Ah...” he breathed, reminiscing something from their teenage years and the attention of the crowd was suddenly shifted towards Siwon who unintentionally spurted out his drinks. Ryeowook was covering his mouth, keeping himself from bursting out laughing, and Jongwoon was looking at every direction instead of the flustered Lee Hyukjae. Kyuhyun grinned and gave Donghae a thumb up.
“The letter was written for someone else; his crush at that time, but Hyukjae, being the clumsy clown he is got the lockers’ numbers mixed up and it ended up inside Min Ah’s locker. Now if it’s someone else, he would have probably dissed Min Ah away, because Min Ah was, how should I say this? She didn’t really belong to the normal girls’ division,” Donghae continued eloquently, and Hyukjae slapped his arm, telling him that;
“It’s not very nice to speak about her like that, Donghae,” and Donghae smiled meaningfully before he turned to the audience. He pointed a finger at Hyukjae and nodded, as if asking the guests to agree with what he was trying to picture about him.
“You see what I mean?” and most of the guests were humming in understanding. Hyukjae palmed his face, embarrassed.
“Gong Min Ah-ssi, you’re here today?” Donghae proceeded to call the name out loud, and someone answered him from far back. A very tall woman stood up from amongst the crowd, and everyone was whispering. Despite her remarkable height, she was a pretty lady with an edgy haircut and when she smiled, a pair of deep dimples appeared near her curved lips.
“Hello everyone, I’m Gong Min Ah, apparently the girl who didn’t belong in the normal girls’ division as mentioned by Lee Donghae,” she introduced herself playfully, and the guests let out another roaring laughter. Donghae made a heart sign with his hands, trying to apologise to Min Ah and she rolled her eyes.
“Now where was I? Oh right, so when Min Ah came to him with the letter, totally misunderstood and a little bit excited at that time, Hyukjae did the one thing that most men are not capable of doing. He apologised, and told her the truth. That it was his fault and Min Ah wasn’t the person who supposed to receive the letter.” He took a sip from his glass and looked at the groom with a pair of eyes filled with respect (and maybe a little bit of longing, too).
“Now, everything would be just fine if only the other students didn’t hear about it, but they somehow did. A misunderstanding was bad enough, and it was worse if you’re the girl. And you know how teenagers are; they can be cruel at times. Min Ah wasn’t an exception.” This time, he glanced over to Min Ah who was smiling at him with a connected gaze. She then nodded as she sat back at her table, giving him permission to continue with his story.
“Hyukjae wasn’t even famous in high school, but the students were looking for new entertainment, so the story about the mixed up letter gone viral. The whispers and sarcastic giggles were thrown at her and in a week, Min Ah who was hardly recognised before became the ‘rejected girl’. And you know what Hyukjae did to stop this?” he then turned around to look at their friends, and the three guys rolled their eyes, avoiding Donghae’s eyes just in case he would ask them to continue his speech. Fortunately he didn’t, as he turned to face the guests and carried on with his toast.
“He took the blame. He made us,” he waved his hand, gesturing to all of them (he swore he could hear Kyuhyun clucked his tongue annoyingly right then) “used us to spread another rumour; that there was never a misplaced letter, that Min Ah was actually his crush, and that he was the one who got rejected. And it somehow worked. The taunts on Min Ah lessened, and she even got herself a boyfriend by the end of that semester, didn’t you?” he waved again at Min Ah, and she nodded with pink cheeks. Slowly, he turned to his side to face Ae Ri who was too absorbed listening to his story, and took a deep breath. He could see Hyukjae was biting his lower lip as his toast was coming to its conclusion.
“My point is, dear Ae Ri, when you find a man who would give up his pride for, literally, a stranger, can you imagine what he would do just to make you; his wife, his chosen one happy? When a heart that could love everyone finally chooses to focus its love solely on a person, can you imagine how precious you would be inside his eyes?”
You’d be the happiest person on Earth for a very long time, I bet on my life for that
“So congratulations on finding our Lee Hyukjae. He’s worth a thousand times of the men you’ve ever admired throughout your life.”
He raised his glass, and the guests followed his gesture.
“To the bride and groom, may this love buds and blossoms into something beautiful and eternal.”
And be very, very happy for a long time, Lee Hyukjae, because we’ll be fine
He saw Hyukjae stealing glances at him, and he tried to burn the image on his brain for one last time. It felt like an eternity when their eyes finally met, and Donghae tried his hardest not to be the first one to look away.
We’ll be just fine
-
“So, how’s the wedding?” Sungmin threw him the question as soon as he closed the door behind him. Kyuhyun didn’t answer him immediately; instead he took his time drinking up the sight of Lee Sungmin inside an apron that greeted him as soon as he was home. It was very satisfying seeing one of the dreams he often had about Sungmin was finally realised without him even planning about it.
“Perfect,” Kyuhyun muttered under his breath, and pulled Sungmin by the waist to be near him until there was no space left between them. Sungmin gritted his teeth and wriggled his way out from Kyuhyun’s arms, but Kyuhyun tightened his grip.
“You do know I did mixed martial arts in high school, don’t you?” Sungmin reminded him as he twisted his hand to the back and started to unfold Kyuhyun’s arms around his waist effortlessly, as if he was taking off a very uncomfortable belt. Kyuhyun widened his eyes and began to resist it, but a couple of minutes later, Sungmin already had his hands on Kyuhyun’s chest, pushing him up against the wall.
“Well who would’ve guessed? You seemed to be very submissive at night; I thought you’ve already forgotten all the skills,” he teased when Sungmin grabbed his collar and pulled him for a kiss. When Kyuhyun was nibbling his lower lip a few seconds later, he realised that Sungmin tasted like chocolate and cinnamon.
“There’s no case of any runaway groom, if that’s what you mean,” Kyuhyun finally told him when they pulled away. Sungmin grunted softly at the sudden loss of touch from Kyuhyun, probably wanted for a little bit more of pampering, but then he remembered the cupcakes that he put in the oven earlier. Running hastily into the kitchen, he told Kyuhyun to take a shower and help him to serve the dinner before Hyukjae and his bride arrive.
“Donghae too.” Kyuhyun reminded him the count of guests they’re having tonight as he unbuttoned his sleeves. As he walked past the kitchen to get to their bedroom, he saw Sungmin standing still while holding the perfectly baked cupcakes inside his hand, still steaming hot. His eyes didn’t seem to be focused on whatever he was doing, though.
“Sungmin? What’s wrong?” he asked, entering the kitchen and reached for the tray of cupcakes from Sungmin’s hands after he put on the oven mitt, worried that Sungmin might got hurt if he didn’t.
“Donghae... is not coming tonight.”
“What? Why? What do you mean? He said he’ll be here, didn’t he? For the proper ending or whatever you were telling them.” Kyuhyun said, demanding an explanation and not really convinced with the fact that Sungmin just told him. Knowing Donghae, it was pretty difficult to believe anything that he was saying because he couldn’t even remember what he was saying himself sometimes. But Sungmin looked convincing, and nothing was scarier than a confident Sungmin with his fact.
Sungmin took Kyuhyun’s left hand and looked at the wristwatch that was still wrapped around his wrist. It was ten minutes past eight.
“The toast was the proper ending from him for Hyukjae.”
-
What Kyuhyun didn’t know was that last night, after he dropped Hyukjae off at his house from the bachelor party and told him “see you tomorrow” as if it was the usual parting of two best friends, Donghae drove all the way past his apartment and straight to their house. It was almost midnight, and Sungmin was tuning the guitar Kyuhyun bought for him a few weeks ago when he heard the doorbell rang. Thinking that it was probably a drunken Kyuhyun who couldn’t remember the password to the door, he jumped off the couch and walked towards the front door, getting ready to scold his lover when Donghae greeted him with a frown on his face.
“Donghae? What’s wrong?”
“Everything. Everything is wrong. You’re not supposed to be dead, Hyukjae was not supposed to get married, I was not supposed to be the asshole I was and Kyuhyun was not supposed to fall in love with you because that’s where everything went wrong! Everything!” he yelled, and broke down in tears right in front of Sungmin. It was probably very awkward for them, but Sungmin still pulled Donghae into the house and gave him a warm hug, telling him that he was sorry and Donghae cried like a baby on his shoulder.
“He was mine. I was his. I thought we already belonged to the right places all these years. How come everything is slipping through my fingers in just a short amount of time?” he cried again, still resting his head on Sungmin’s shoulder, and Sungmin couldn’t answer him because he was trying his hardest not to cry. It took him almost ten minutes to finally cool Donghae down, and when he did, he made him a cup of coffee and sat him down at the kitchen table top.
“I’m leaving.” Donghae suddenly announced, and Sungmin blinked twice, a tad confused.
“So soon? At least finish you coffee first.”
“No, I mean I’m leaving.” Donghae said again, stressing on the last words and Sungmin finally understood.
“Oh,” he said, putting his cup of coffee onto the table and palmed his hands against each other. Donghae watched him as he placed his perfect chin in the space between his thumbs and his index fingers, searching for the right words to be said. None come to mind, and all that was left were the typical questions.
“When?”
“Tomorrow, after the wedding.” Sungmin wanted to remind him about the one last dinner he was planning for them, but seeing how Donghae was, he didn’t seem to forget about it. He just didn’t want to do it.
“Where to?” he asked, and Donghae chuckled. He didn’t sound as chirpy as he usually did.
“If I told you, that would beat the purpose, wouldn’t it?” he proposed, and Sungmin smiled as he nodded his head, agreeing. It was another silent minute before Sungmin threw him another question, and Donghae was pretty sure it would be something he could guess.
“Did Hyukjae know about this?”
Bingo.
“No. That’s why I’m here.”
“I thought you’re here to throw your tantrums at me?” Sungmin teased him, and covered his mouth after he realised that it might be a little inappropriate of him to say it to him like that. Donghae let out a smile telling him that it was okay.
“Well that was one of the reasons too. But this is the real reason why I’m here,” he fished into the side pocket of his jumper, and pulled out a box of cigarette. Taking it away from Donghae’s hand, Sungmin then proceeded to observe the box. It was still wrapped in plastic, untouched, except there were two words written with a black Sharpie on one side of it.
‘My Promise’
“What’s this?” Sungmin pointed at the writing, and Donghae shook his head.
“That’s for Hyukjae to figure out. Just make sure you give this to him when he’s here tomorrow.” Donghae told him as he stood up, getting ready to leave. Sungmin walked him to the front door.
“I’m sorry we live in a society that believes there must be a valid reason for us to love someone.” Sungmin suddenly said, and Donghae was stopped in the hallway.
“And I’m even more sorry to know that there’s no way everyone could have their happiness without someone else’s sacrifice,” Donghae replied, and Sungmin was flabbergasted. It took him a few seconds to scramble through the words inside his head to find the right ones to say to Donghae.
“Thank you, Donghae.” Sungmin said to him as he opened the door. Donghae gave him a small smile before pulling him in for a peck on the cheek.
“You have to be happy with Kyuhyun, Vincent Lee. You have to. No matter how hard it’d be in the future, no matter how bratty he turns out to be one day, you cannot leave him, and you have to be happy.” He told him with a low voice, almost like a whisper.
“You have to be happy, because this is my revenge.”
Sungmin closed his eyes and nodded.
He was pretty sure that would be the last time he see Lee Donghae; someone whom he thought was not worth Lee Hyukjae’s love, someone who was insignificant and usually appeared only in the background of every story Hyukjae had ever told him, and who would’ve thought he was able to be happy because of his sacrifice?
Life is a bottomless pit of uncertainty and surprises
-
When Hyukjae arrived with Ae Ri that night, the three grown men were forced to cover their ears as her scream exploded throughout the threshold.
“You were dead! I read about you, I saw you on the news! My dad talked about you for days at the dinner table! You were dead!” and Hyukjae had to pull her aside to calm her down while Sungmin and Kyuhyun were rubbing their ears, still going through the shock of her high-pitched voice in their heads.
“Very ladylike,” Kyuhyun grunted, and Sungmin smacked his arm.
“You weren’t exactly the opposite when I first came back,” he teased, and Kyuhyun scrunched his nose.
“Okay I wasn’t so cool, but at least I didn’t blow your eardrums to pieces,” he sulked, bumping his shoulder to Sungmin’s as he walked into the kitchen to get the fruit salad he prepared earlier (that was the only thing he was good at making and Sungmin let him). Ae Ri then slowly walked towards where Sungmin was standing, arranging the dishes and fixing the champagne glasses.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But you couldn’t expect me to be calm about knowing my brother in-law is still alive.” She apologised, and Sungmin laughed as she took a plate of boiled broccoli from his hand and placed it exactly in front of Hyukjae’s seat. Her husband grimaced at the sight of his ‘arch enemy’.
“Technically, I’m not. So you can’t tell anyone about this,” Sungmin warned her as they were all sat at the table. Hyukjae smiled as he watched how natural Kyuhyun was placing his arm at the back of Sungmin’s chair, not afraid of showing who he was to Sungmin and that Sungmin belonged to him. Ae Ri turned to look at him with a confused expression on her face, asking for an explanation and Hyukjae slowly nodded with an awkward grin.
“Aaahh...” Ae Ri breathed, and Sungmin could feel his face getting hotter while Kyuhyun, being Kyuhyun, wasn’t really concerned about Ae Ri’s curiosity.
“So... what’s with you being dead, though?” Ae Ri threw him a question, and Sungmin was ready for it. Underneath the table and away from the newly wed couple’s sights, Kyuhyun was palming the back of his hand, and Sungmin breathed in.
“Long story, but really, I was just looking for my place. Somewhere I really belong. And I find it here.” He looked up to his side to gaze on Kyuhyun’s face, and what a great feeling it was to see that Kyuhyun was already looking at him with a knowing smile. Hyukjae felt a painful tear in his heart as he saw Sungmin’s happy face.
Once upon a time, Sungmin was sitting in his place, watching him and Donghae being in love without restriction with each other, looking at Kyuhyun from a safe distance. Once upon a time, how different it was to both of them.
The night continued with Kyuhyun questioning the relevance of Ae Ri choosing Jeju for their honeymoon when they could travel to the Caribbean for all they want. Hyukjae was listening to Ae Ri’s reasoning on the budget, the time and the availability in their schedule that supported her decision when he felt someone’s weight was dipping in next to him on the couch.
“He’s not coming, is he?” he whispered, careful enough so that the two adults who were bickering on the balcony in front of them wouldn’t be able to hear his voice. Sungmin solemnly nodded.
“Hyukjae-ah...”
“It’s okay, hyung. I’ll just call him tomorrow and invite him for breakfast. Ae Ri wants to have a talk with my best man, too. She didn’t get a chance to have a chat with him today,” he turned around and forced a smile. Sungmin palmed his brother’s face and Hyukjae’s expression changed.
“Hyukjae-ah, what am I going to do with you?”
“What do you mean, hyung?” but Sungmin didn’t answer him. Instead, he pulled out the box of cigarette from his back and handed it to Hyukjae.
“He told me to give this to you.” Hyukjae took the box away his hand, and his eyes turned watery at the sight of the words jotted down with black Sharpie. Sungmin wasn't really sure how or why, but right then he knew there was this connection between Donghae and Hyukjae that wouldn't be broken. Words weren't enough to describe it, but Sungmin was sure that every lover had one. An understanding of things that other people wouldn't be able to decipher; things that were comprehensible just between them. And Sungmin was sure, the bond between Donghae and Hyukjae would probably still be there long after everyone was gone and the Earth turned into ashes.
‘My Promise’
“Idiot. Idiot Lee Donghae. I was in love with an idiot. He doesn’t have to go away. He’s not supposed to go away. We could still meet coincidentally at the malls, or have coffees together. We could still watch soccer when the World Cup is around. Now what am I supposed to do, hyung? What am I supposed to do when he’s not around?” he whispered again, controlling his voice and pressing his tears so that Ae Ri wouldn’t suspect anything. She didn’t, because Kyuhyun was still bickering with her, distracting her as Sungmin hugged his little brother and comforted him with soothing words.
“Because he’s not going to be around forever, and you might not be in love with him fifty years from now. Because he’s not the type of guy who would hurt a woman’s heart. Because he’s the idiot who loves you, Hyukjae-ah,” Sungmin told him as they pulled away. Hyukjae sniffed, and breathed in.
“Because he believes that we’ll be fine. That we’ll be just fine.” He whispered to himself as Sungmin rubbed the back of his nape.
“Because he knows we’re already back into our own places. Back to where we belong.”