[Mini-series] Belonged : Choices (4/5)
--continued from here.
It was on a Saturday morning when Hyukjae saw them.
Holding hands when they thought people weren’t really watching. Exchanging glances and silly smiles. Whispering into each other’s ears and giggling, as if what they just heard and told was so funny and hilarious.
It was on a Saturday morning when Hyukjae saw Sungmin and Kyuhyun while they were madly in love. It was in a café and he was just having another date with his fiancé; just another meeting to get to know each other before they were tied to each other forever.
Forever. He wished for the happy people at the table near the huge window just a few metres away from him would stay that way forever.
“Hyukjae-ssi…? Are you okay?” the young lady in front of him was watching him with a face full of concern. Her small hand was palming his, just a simple assuring gesture. Not even gripping, just covering the back of his hand with her surprisingly warm palm. He knew she was still unsure of whether it would be the right time to hold his hand right now, because he never held hers to let her know.
Hyukjae watched as her fingers fidgeted uncomfortably, and he went to the back of his mind, trying to remember how it felt to be held by someone like this. He remembered calloused fingers with short, self-trimmed fingernails, with a strong grip on his palm, always trying to keep him in check. Those tender hands were always telling him that he was there, he was needed, and there were them. That once upon a time, there was something called Hyukjae and Donghae.
Those pretty illusions
“I’m fine, just a little tired. I’ve been spending a few nights at the office this week.” He told her casually as his hand slid out from under her palm to reach for his cup of coffee. The young lady in front of him pursed her lips and stared at her now hollow palm.
“We don’t really have to go on a date like this on your day off. I know you’re tired; me too, so you don’t have to push yourself for my sake,” she suggested, but Hyukjae shook his head while putting his cup down back into its saucer. He took his time admiring the profile of the young lady in front of him before answering her.
Lee Ae Ri. He had been on ten marriage dates before he found this girl. At first he picked her at random. He was telling himself that it doesn’t matter which girl he meet today, this girl will be the unlucky one because he was going to choose her. He was going to make his mother happy, and he was going to marry her and he was going to try and love her (if that was possible). He was throwing pebbles and hoped she would be a decent girl, because the last ten girls he met were spoiled rich girls with small dogs and cute sports cars, Paris Hilton’s wannabe from Cheong-dam Dong. Some of them were even dumber than they look. He wasn’t sure if they were acting like that on purpose or it was just their nature.
And then Lee Ae Ri came into the picture. She was a surgeon-in-training. A woman who knew dressing up doesn’t mean wearing expensive whore’s dresses or patching make-ups like her face is a canvas. She doesn’t play tennis or golf or squash because her life is filled with books and books and medicine and people who needs her help. She called herself a nerd. And she wasn’t ashamed to admit that to Hyukjae despite they were still on their first date at that time.
“I’m not a rich girl. I’m a surgeon in training. I want to save lives because I think I’m going to be very good at it.”
Hyukjae was satisfied. One of his pebbles actually hit an awesome girl. This ambitious young lady with dark brown, wavy hair and light brown eyes and a smile that made her eyes shaped like half-moon-
(just like Dongh--)
--made Hyukjae thought that this is it; it should be her. He remembered the moment he told his mother that he wanted a second meeting with this girl at the dinner table a few nights later, the supposedly elegant middle-aged woman sprung across the long table to hug his only son with tears in her eyes.
“I told you, I told you! It’s not a hard thing to come back. It’s not a hard thing to like a woman, is it?” He nodded, because she looked so happy when she said that. Hyukjae knew his mother wasn’t happy for a long time.
So what if he shuts up about how painful it was when she spoke about whom he was before as if he was infected with some kind of disgusting virus when in reality he was just in love? So what if he didn’t tell her that it was actually really hard to try and stop loving someone just because that someone was a man? So what if he didn’t actually let her know that he might be hurting an innocent, nice young lady just for the sake of making his mother happy?
So what? His mother was smiling after a long time. She was smiling contentedly after a long time, and Hyukjae thought that was the least he could have done for her.
“Let’s just go home. You really don’t look so well,” Ae Ri’s voice suddenly broke through his memories, and Hyukjae was a bit flabbergasted when he realised he wasn’t being very attentive to her today, and that was very rude of him. Ae Ri was rumbling through her things inside her sling bag, looking for her purse when Hyukjae said “it’s on me, Ae Ri,” but she didn’t budge. Her hands were still frantically searching for her purse, and somehow, at some point, Hyukjae realised she wasn’t just looking for her purse. She wasn’t, really. Not when her purse was just on the table, right in front of her. She was just trying to find her strength in saying something. Hyukjae figured it out after their third date when she was doing the exact same thing just because she wanted to suggest for them to split the bill.
Hyukjae found that side of her adorable.
“Is there anything else, Ae Ri-ssi?” Hyukjae asked, smiling. Ae Ri stopped her hands from looking for the imaginary purse when Hyukjae slowly pushed the light blue purse with a little black ribbon on the table towards her. She lifted her face and Hyukjae could see her reddened cheeks.
Adorable, kinda
“Can… can you like me?”
“Sorry?”
Ae Ri bit her lower lip and her fingers drew circles on her lap. She looked pretty surprised with her own request too. Hyukjae’s eyes went big and somehow, his hands were sweating.
“I knew this marriage was going to happen eventually, and my father is pretty excited about it. I know you’re not a bad person even though this marriage only means business-”
“No it’s not. It’s nothing business at all.” It’s much much worse than business though.
“Look, I know a lie when I see one. Even though I’m younger than you, I’m an adult, too. And being born into families like us, I understand that choosing our own partner is usually not an option. I know it, because I’ve seen my parents coming out from different bedrooms for years now. They don’t greet each other in the morning, and they don’t kiss each other good night.” She stopped; face still flushed, ashamed for revealing a secret she had been holding in for years. The happy rich family on news were nothing but a prolonged act because nobody wanted to escape the luxuries.
Because love cannot buy you a diamond ring
“But you chose me. You asked me to marry you. I know I’m still basically a stranger to you, and it is very hard to suddenly love a stranger, but you are a responsible man, so can you at least try to like me? Take responsible for your words. You don’t have to love me, sure it’s a great honour if you can; but don’t treat me like strangers when people are not looking. Just try to like me, like a good friend.” She asked again, her voice faltered as she said the last word.
‘What a brave little lady’, Hyukjae thought. He smiled, and suddenly remembered his late night phone call with Donghae. He remembered freaking out after he asked Ae Ri for her hand in marriage, and trying to back out from what he had set his heart on. He suddenly felt ashamed of himself. Donghae was facing their choice head on. Donghae didn’t back on his words. He didn’t even try. When he suggested to ‘be grown up’, Donghae cried the worst, so he thought he was stronger. Because he told Donghae to be an adult, but in the end, he was the one behaving like a child.
What a pathetic, pretentious prick he was.
Ae Ri understood the situation, and she was facing it head on, too. It’s not easy task. Maybe it was because of her strong nature, but still, even Superman withered by Kryptonite. He had shown his cowardly side to Donghae once, surely he wouldn’t want Ae Ri to see that, too.
“Ae Ri-ssi, it’s nothing business. Sure, it’s not a love at first sight, and I still don’t love you right now, but I hope you believe me. You are a wonderful lady, Ae Ri, and I don’t have any intention of hurting someone like you,” he explained, his voice low and his words were straightforward and sincere.
Ae Ri lifted her face, and her gaze met with Hyukjae’s brown orbs. She smiled, and her eyes went twinkling like two little stars burning brightly. Hyukjae thought it would be a shame if he made those eyes filled with tears. Slowly, he reached for her hands for the first time in months of their casual meetings like this. Ae Ri jumped a little, surprised by his the feel of his skin on hers.
“Hyukjae-ssi..?”
“Ae Ri-ssi, I think it would really be a shame if I don’t try to like you.”
-
He was waving at Ae Ri’s white Audi when someone patted him on the back. Kyuhyun was grinning at him as he turned around.
“Is that her? Lee Ae Ri?” Hyukjae nodded, letting Kyuhyun hooked his arm around his shoulder as he dragged him back inside into the café. Hyukjae looked around hesitantly, looking for any sign of Sungmin.
“He’s gone home.”
“I thought you guys are on a date?”
“Well, we were. But he forgot to set the recorder for this soap drama he’s obsessed with.” Kyuhyun grimaced; disgusted with the fact that Sungmin chose the drama over him. Hyukjae laughed and shook his head as they sat together at the table where Kyuhyun and Sungmin sat earlier. A waitress came with two menus but they both refused and asked for just two cups of black coffee instead.
“So, Lee Ae Ri?” Kyuhyun started, excitingly leaning forward with his both his hands on the table when he saw Hyukjae was getting comfortable in front of him. Hyukjae rubbed his chin with his thumb and smiled.
“I haven’t told anyone about her. How did you know?” he asked, avoiding the urge from Kyuhyun to answer his question first. Kyuhyun clucked his tongue and retreated back into his seat.
“It’s hard not to notice anything when you’re a legal advisor of several corporations, isn’t it? I’ve known about her since the day you asked her for a second date. Her father was so happy with the thoughts of you becoming his son-in-law; he even treated me for dinner when I told him you’re my best friend.”
“Please, you’re still with your habit of getting free food? You’re freaking rich, Cho Kyuhyun. Don’t use my name for your own benefit,” Hyukjae rolled his eyes and Kyuhyun kicked him in the shin. He wanted to scream but their coffee arrived just in time, so he bit his tongue in. Kyuhyun said thanks to the waiter, not feeling guilty at all while Hyukjae was holding his pain in.
“Does Donghae know about this?” Kyuhyun asked again after Hyukjae stopped giving him murderous glares. Hyukjae sipped his coffee, looked outside the huge window panel with his chin rocking on his palm and nodded.
“He was the first person I told to.”
“So how did he take it?”
“Well, I think he is being pretty cavalier about this. He’s my best man.”
Kyuhyun mouth gaped open, but then he caught himself back and laughed.
“That does sound like Donghae, somehow. You asked him to do it?” Hyukjae shook his head. He then crossed his arms on the table and buried his head into it.
“Nope. He suggested it himself. Saying something like ‘let’s really be grown ups’, like I don’t get it already,” his voice sounded muffled. Kyuhyun laughed again and patted his head. Hyukjae didn’t like how his laugh sounded this time. It felt as if it was full of sympathy.
“I guess he’s just following orders. He’s always been good at following orders, especially yours. The ‘grown up’ shit doesn’t sound like it’s coming from him, does it?” Kyuhyun pulled his hand back to keep it warm next to his cup. Hyukjae didn’t respond.
Kyuhyun drummed his fingers on the table, thinking.
“I saw Sungmin getting married once, and I still have that image burned into the back of my head. It never fails to make me feel like an idiot,” he spoke, face crunched as if he was trying hard to remember the details perfectly so Hyukjae would understand. Hyukjae lifted his face and stared at his best friend. Kyuhyun’s eyes were shut.
“I thought about what an idiot I was. I should’ve stopped him then, the night when he came to my house and gotten drunk. I should’ve locked him in and never let him go. If only I did that, we wouldn’t have to go through the years separated and longing for each other.”
“He came to your house the day before his wedding?” Hyukjae asked, and Kyuhyun remembered that that was the story only he and Sungmin knew about, and his face suddenly crimsoned. Hyukjae palmed his face, unable to contain his laughter.
“Shut up. That’s not my point.”
“I know what your point is. You don’t want Donghae to go through the same thing you did. I know. But Kyuhyun, our situations are different.” Hyukjae sat back straight as his laughter finally subsided and his hands smoothed out the front of his shirt that was crumpled earlier.
“Different how? It’s still about being stubborn and being in love.” Hyukjae chuckled. It felt funny listening to how different Kyuhyun sounded after he caught himself the love bugs. His words on love were flowery and sweet and so rainbow-like.
“You and Sungmin wanted, longed for each other back then. You wished for other options to appear so you could be inside each other’s arms again. That’s why it hurts when the options weren’t there.”
“Don’t you and Donghae want each other back?”
Hyukjae glanced at his watch. He needed to go to the office to get some documents to be studied for the shareholders’ meeting next Tuesday. Pulling his wallet out and counting the notes inside, he answered Kyuhyun with a calm voice.
“We do. We will always be longing for each other. But we are not looking for options anymore. We agreed to never do that.”
He called the waiter for their bill. Kyuhyun wanted to pay for his coffee but Hyukjae halted him.
“Kyuhyun… me and Donghae, we are letting go.”
He smiled, and punched Kyuhyun lightly on the shoulder. His mouth gestured for the empty cups of coffee on the table.
“Don’t worry, it’s on me.”
As it will always be
---
Belonged | Belonged : Loveless | Belonged : Beloved | Belonged : Choices | Belonged : Mine (coming up!)