Crisp and Dry
All things considered, I'm doing pretty well at the moment. I think I've found my niche and balance in the world at this moment. I've been taking part in an online creative writing group and am part of one in Norwich though it will be their last meeting next week until September cause they have this annual hiatus thing going on. It's beautiful to have so many people, of varied styles and genres and talents critique work constructively, and to be inspired by their stories. I love it. And I'm playing 5-aside every thursday for the company. And I've got Saturday and Sunday league 11-aside set-up for when the season kicks off so am looking forward to that. I've seen my uni mates, and mates from home, and norwich mates in the past few weekends and it's been legenwaitforitdairy. With the exception of yesterday. That was difficult and exhausting. After it all I had to stuydy and take my fixed test for Business and Finance but couldn't concentrate, so I called my Grandad. He told me this story about when he was fishing in ireland a few years go in a river I can't remember the name of by a town I forget. A woman came running, hysterical, along the banking, and of all the fishermen lined up along the banks, she chose my grandad to go to, pleading with him to help her brother. He asked her where her brother was and she took him further down the river and pointed towards the wooden jetty. But he couldn't see him. So he asked her to point him out again. And this time he followed her finger and saw a skiiny man, naked, underneath the jetty, holding onto the wooden poles. The man was walking out, trying to kill himself in the fast, deep river. My grandad walked along the jetty and lay down, trying to talk this man into taking his hand. It took him just over forty-five minutes talking to this guy to bring him round. The final point was when my grandad told him that he was morally obliged at that point, to follow the man into the river should he get carried away to try and save him and that it would mean they'd both probably die. Then the man reached up and the surrounding policemen and firemen helped my grandad pull him to safety. And all the guy's family members rallied round him and went with him to the hospital. Nobody said anything to my grandad and instead of going out with the rest of the lads that night he just stayed in the cabin, had a whisky and went to bed. He said he sometimes wonders what became of that man and his family. Whether it was a prolonging of the inevtiable or a life-revolution. It was good to hear my grandad's voice again. I love him so much. I sat my test and got 80%.
It was the anniversary of Jason's death this month. That was a hard week. I'm glad I wasn't there for the tears this time though. The whole family can cry easily. And though I hurt, I can't cry. It's that old double standard of mine, other people can cry, but if I do, it's a sign of weakness. I find other outlets. I workout, I run, I draw, I sing, I write, I cook. And, recently, I've taken to just going for a walk to clear my mind. I can't meditate at the moment cause the house is too warm and I've found a 30 minute walk to be just as rejuvenating and cleansing :)
I've discovered a lot of new music recently from the wonders of Youtube's recommended videos and Millie and Neil's itunes and after watching Nick and Norah's infinite playlist (i know, gay right?) Chris Bell, Vampire Weekend, The Submarines, Lonely Dear, Mute Math, Armor for Sleep, Matt and Kim, Miniature Tigers, Dear and the Headlights, Matt Pond PA, Interpol, Appleseed Cast, Maritime, Spoon, The Dears, Boyslikegirls, Cute is what we aim for. Love them all!! Looking forward to gigs in November and December: 30 Seconds to Mars supported by Enter Shikari; the Gaslight Anthem; Biffy Clyro; and Frank Turner :) Looking forward to Dublin Holiday as well.
I considered that the only thing missing from my life at the moment is a relationship. But with everything else in this perfect balance at the moment, I wouldn't want to ruin it. There was the girl I met in Starbucks that probably came closest to disrupting that. Marie Starbucks, as she was called in my phone. It was the one I spun the spy-spiel with. She took it for what it was, a bit of fun and gentle flirting. And then when we met we had a perfect night: sat on the edge of the patio, feet dangling and kissed like teenagers. We swapped stories about our families: her mum was Dominican and she was technically Scottish. Myself, as I found out last summer, solid yorkshire down one line and a mix of French, Irish and Romani down the other. After sex, we kissed and cuddled for hours. And then when we were laying in bed, entwined so perfectly with each other - her sound asleep - this white butterfly flew through her window and landed in her hair. When I woke up it had gone. I went home on the bus - she lived in Attleborough, pretty much the next town over. This was about a month ago. Then on Saturday I pretty much randomly texted her. "Hope ur enjoying this beautiful day :) xxx" and she texted me back, "Where r u? xxx" That felt like a crux. Like it could be the start of something. She seemed a nice person, someone I could get along with, someone I could fall in love with. I deleted her number and all our texts. At the moment, I'm not in the right place for a relationship and I realised it at that point. One of us would just get hurt, so it seemed the right thing to do. It's something I've got better at doing recently, sleeping with women. Not just having sex. But actually laying side-by-side, talking, laughing, cuddling, kissing and sleeping. I've never had a long-term relationship, so this was never a strong point for me. I think as I've got more happy in myself this has come more naturally :)
Back to bed. Long days ahead :) loveyouall
Kieran
It was the anniversary of Jason's death this month. That was a hard week. I'm glad I wasn't there for the tears this time though. The whole family can cry easily. And though I hurt, I can't cry. It's that old double standard of mine, other people can cry, but if I do, it's a sign of weakness. I find other outlets. I workout, I run, I draw, I sing, I write, I cook. And, recently, I've taken to just going for a walk to clear my mind. I can't meditate at the moment cause the house is too warm and I've found a 30 minute walk to be just as rejuvenating and cleansing :)
I've discovered a lot of new music recently from the wonders of Youtube's recommended videos and Millie and Neil's itunes and after watching Nick and Norah's infinite playlist (i know, gay right?) Chris Bell, Vampire Weekend, The Submarines, Lonely Dear, Mute Math, Armor for Sleep, Matt and Kim, Miniature Tigers, Dear and the Headlights, Matt Pond PA, Interpol, Appleseed Cast, Maritime, Spoon, The Dears, Boyslikegirls, Cute is what we aim for. Love them all!! Looking forward to gigs in November and December: 30 Seconds to Mars supported by Enter Shikari; the Gaslight Anthem; Biffy Clyro; and Frank Turner :) Looking forward to Dublin Holiday as well.
I considered that the only thing missing from my life at the moment is a relationship. But with everything else in this perfect balance at the moment, I wouldn't want to ruin it. There was the girl I met in Starbucks that probably came closest to disrupting that. Marie Starbucks, as she was called in my phone. It was the one I spun the spy-spiel with. She took it for what it was, a bit of fun and gentle flirting. And then when we met we had a perfect night: sat on the edge of the patio, feet dangling and kissed like teenagers. We swapped stories about our families: her mum was Dominican and she was technically Scottish. Myself, as I found out last summer, solid yorkshire down one line and a mix of French, Irish and Romani down the other. After sex, we kissed and cuddled for hours. And then when we were laying in bed, entwined so perfectly with each other - her sound asleep - this white butterfly flew through her window and landed in her hair. When I woke up it had gone. I went home on the bus - she lived in Attleborough, pretty much the next town over. This was about a month ago. Then on Saturday I pretty much randomly texted her. "Hope ur enjoying this beautiful day :) xxx" and she texted me back, "Where r u? xxx" That felt like a crux. Like it could be the start of something. She seemed a nice person, someone I could get along with, someone I could fall in love with. I deleted her number and all our texts. At the moment, I'm not in the right place for a relationship and I realised it at that point. One of us would just get hurt, so it seemed the right thing to do. It's something I've got better at doing recently, sleeping with women. Not just having sex. But actually laying side-by-side, talking, laughing, cuddling, kissing and sleeping. I've never had a long-term relationship, so this was never a strong point for me. I think as I've got more happy in myself this has come more naturally :)
Back to bed. Long days ahead :) loveyouall
Kieran