Take a photo of the saddest moments, they have a happy negative
I could still fill books with essays and poems and stories and songs of how amazing I think Millie is. I assume by now she’s back in Norwich.
I’ve kept myself busy again these past couple of days. My body’s pretty much in agony. A lot of gym. A lot of running. A lot of football. Add to that early mornings going to work and walking to and from my grandma’s. At first I was doing it just so that the effort and exhaustion consumed my thoughts. If I were in Lit class right now: "despite all his efforts to manifest his heartache, the pain he inflicted upon his body could not compare to the agony of the internal loneliness he felt." I spent an entire hour - without rest - on the punch bag the other day, imagining Millie and Neil sleeping together in Mike’s bed. It was enough to get me started, get me angry, but then my thoughts just kept slipping, inevitably, to Millie, and it would just drain the aggression right out of me. I'd feel lost, alone, in love. Aggression was always my strong point, and after a while my coach just popped into my head. His face in mine during the training drills used to always get me pumped up, on runs, in the gym, during matches. I’d imagine him shouting at me through the drills, “BREAK THROUGH BREAK THROUGH! THEY’RE BIGGER, THEY’RE STRONGER SO YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE THE HEART! HIT FAST HIT HARD! RIP ‘EM BREAK ‘EM!” I was the smallest linebacker - 12 and half stone - and had to tackle and push through guys between 16 and 20 stone. Coach always used to say I was one of the nicest people he’d ever met and one of the most aggressive players he’d ever seen. It’s only afterwards that I realised that, for the past week or so, I’ve been working out and running to clear my mind, but over the past couple of days I’ve been doing it, with these thoughts in my mind, and that’s simply because I’m enjoying it. The same goes for my writing and reading and guitar playing and drawing and socialising. I started doing them to just clear my mind and now I’m enjoying them again. I’m getting ideas whilst I’m doing these things and getting excited and investing myself into it. I think I’d assumed that this experience had to change me in some way, but the fact is I was very happy in the days before Millie (B.M. if you will :)). And all these things made me happy, were a part of my happiness. And I’ve neglected them a lot, almost to the point that I feel guilty. I’m sorry my hobbies, please forgive meeeee!? But this is forward movement surely. I think if I can fall back in the routine, go out on Wednesday’s (when I get the money), not get slosh-faced and do stupid student shit like a did with Neil, but get drunk enough to be happy and not care about that all-dreaded rejection and not slur when chatting-up birds (start low and work my way up), then I’ll be well on the way, the pursuit of happiness. Mike and Dexter’s term of clunge :).
Most people have been able to guess the main event of the summer. Mainly because how close the two main players have been in front of people. I think I might’ve been okay with it if they’d have given me time to come to terms with my feelings and overcome them. But they’ve been very apparent right under my nose and it’s been incredibly hurtful. Millie has an obvious attraction for Neil which is, understandably I think, painful for me to accept. And Neil has described Millie as his “bright spark after two years of depression with Nicola” which suggests to me something more than just friendship. Millie refutes that they kissed at Mike’s party but I’ve been told by a few people now that they did and it’s hard to know who to believe. It could be that she’s just trying to spare my feelings cause she knows how much that would hurt me...ugh, I dunno, I try not to think about it.
I’ve had quite a lot of dreams recently. One I remember was Millie telling me a joke, and there was this recurring line and when she said it we’d kiss and we had to follow each other’s tongue round in a big circle, and depending on how she said the line depended on whether you went clockwise or anticlockwise. It was kinda like some fun game, but I can’t remember what the joke was or what the line was. Just that we both kept laughing. In another I was a shop owner and something really big happened in the dream - but I can’t remember now, should’ve wrote it down. In another there was this lad sending Neil an email telling him that he was going to jail for 8 months. There were a lot more though about the characters in the novel I’m writing. I hit a bit of a block the other day so I decided to write some complete character frameworks. This is usually where I tend to fall down. I can make good characters and describe their appearances and personalities and to some extent their motives, but their pasts usually seem a little one-dimensional. As if a lot of their decisions can be explained away by one event from their history. I went quite in-depth and they feel pretty much like real people to me now. Like friends who I know the ins and outs of. And I’ve actually had dreams about them, about parts of the stories as if I’m there with them. Fucking awesome :D
I found my Abercrombie polo today after coming home from work. It was on the floor next to my bed. And it still smells of Millie, a mix of her perfume and my aftershave. It’s nice to have little reminders like that as, because I’m devoting so much energy to trying to forget my feelings, it’s too easy for me to try and forget everything about her, when I really REALLY don’t want to, I still think of her as a close friend. I hope she's still there after all of this :(
My arms hurt :), desperate need of massage. Almost forgot! Why does every bird I chat-up recently seem to have kids?! Mega frustrating. In my attempt to get back to the person I was, I know that I’m not looking for anything serious. I’m happy just to slip back into the casual-sex frame of mind. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to invest time into getting there, the chase is always a lot of fun. But, I’m 22, I haven’t even started my career yet. I’m definitely the kind of person who believes in romantic love and wants kids...eventually. But Millie was the exception, I’m not into anything serious at the moment. This is also something I needed to realise. I don’t need to replace Millie with somebody else. But yeah, I spoke to this bird at work a week or so ago and it turned out to be her first day. So I invited her up on break and got chatting and we’ve been friendly since. Pretty lass, takes good care of herself. Could do with less plucking of the eyebrows, she look surprised a lot of the time and it’s not like working down there is too perplexing :). But I found out today that she’s got a little lad. Dad’s nowhere to be seen. I’m hoping that it’s just the fact that the pool at work is pretty small and not that I just gravitate to mummy’s.
Had fun at Mike’s yesterday. Just a chilling session at the pub, few games of pool. Won £60 on football. Needing to get back into betting. Won about £500 so far this year so totally worth it. Just need to not succumb to the ‘betting for betting’s sake’ mentality. Then hanging out with Vicky, Harvey, Pip, Mike and Bert. Proper needed the distraction because Mum’s being crazy again. Can’t wait to get to uni and escape the home situation. I can’t even face it properly at the moment. Proper frying my mind.
Shattered. Will be more shattered tomorrow.
Still in love.
Love Kieran.
p.s. I fucking love Elliott Smith. Sometimes, I imagine he lived, and there are more rainbows.
EDIT: I went on another 12 mile run the other day. I saw a single dove seven times. Either it was following me round or these are the seven doves I saw the other day, all separated. One for sorrow, I remember that. But what does it mean when you see seven lone doves. Is that just epic sorrow? Epic sorrow.
I’ve kept myself busy again these past couple of days. My body’s pretty much in agony. A lot of gym. A lot of running. A lot of football. Add to that early mornings going to work and walking to and from my grandma’s. At first I was doing it just so that the effort and exhaustion consumed my thoughts. If I were in Lit class right now: "despite all his efforts to manifest his heartache, the pain he inflicted upon his body could not compare to the agony of the internal loneliness he felt." I spent an entire hour - without rest - on the punch bag the other day, imagining Millie and Neil sleeping together in Mike’s bed. It was enough to get me started, get me angry, but then my thoughts just kept slipping, inevitably, to Millie, and it would just drain the aggression right out of me. I'd feel lost, alone, in love. Aggression was always my strong point, and after a while my coach just popped into my head. His face in mine during the training drills used to always get me pumped up, on runs, in the gym, during matches. I’d imagine him shouting at me through the drills, “BREAK THROUGH BREAK THROUGH! THEY’RE BIGGER, THEY’RE STRONGER SO YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE THE HEART! HIT FAST HIT HARD! RIP ‘EM BREAK ‘EM!” I was the smallest linebacker - 12 and half stone - and had to tackle and push through guys between 16 and 20 stone. Coach always used to say I was one of the nicest people he’d ever met and one of the most aggressive players he’d ever seen. It’s only afterwards that I realised that, for the past week or so, I’ve been working out and running to clear my mind, but over the past couple of days I’ve been doing it, with these thoughts in my mind, and that’s simply because I’m enjoying it. The same goes for my writing and reading and guitar playing and drawing and socialising. I started doing them to just clear my mind and now I’m enjoying them again. I’m getting ideas whilst I’m doing these things and getting excited and investing myself into it. I think I’d assumed that this experience had to change me in some way, but the fact is I was very happy in the days before Millie (B.M. if you will :)). And all these things made me happy, were a part of my happiness. And I’ve neglected them a lot, almost to the point that I feel guilty. I’m sorry my hobbies, please forgive meeeee!? But this is forward movement surely. I think if I can fall back in the routine, go out on Wednesday’s (when I get the money), not get slosh-faced and do stupid student shit like a did with Neil, but get drunk enough to be happy and not care about that all-dreaded rejection and not slur when chatting-up birds (start low and work my way up), then I’ll be well on the way, the pursuit of happiness. Mike and Dexter’s term of clunge :).
Most people have been able to guess the main event of the summer. Mainly because how close the two main players have been in front of people. I think I might’ve been okay with it if they’d have given me time to come to terms with my feelings and overcome them. But they’ve been very apparent right under my nose and it’s been incredibly hurtful. Millie has an obvious attraction for Neil which is, understandably I think, painful for me to accept. And Neil has described Millie as his “bright spark after two years of depression with Nicola” which suggests to me something more than just friendship. Millie refutes that they kissed at Mike’s party but I’ve been told by a few people now that they did and it’s hard to know who to believe. It could be that she’s just trying to spare my feelings cause she knows how much that would hurt me...ugh, I dunno, I try not to think about it.
I’ve had quite a lot of dreams recently. One I remember was Millie telling me a joke, and there was this recurring line and when she said it we’d kiss and we had to follow each other’s tongue round in a big circle, and depending on how she said the line depended on whether you went clockwise or anticlockwise. It was kinda like some fun game, but I can’t remember what the joke was or what the line was. Just that we both kept laughing. In another I was a shop owner and something really big happened in the dream - but I can’t remember now, should’ve wrote it down. In another there was this lad sending Neil an email telling him that he was going to jail for 8 months. There were a lot more though about the characters in the novel I’m writing. I hit a bit of a block the other day so I decided to write some complete character frameworks. This is usually where I tend to fall down. I can make good characters and describe their appearances and personalities and to some extent their motives, but their pasts usually seem a little one-dimensional. As if a lot of their decisions can be explained away by one event from their history. I went quite in-depth and they feel pretty much like real people to me now. Like friends who I know the ins and outs of. And I’ve actually had dreams about them, about parts of the stories as if I’m there with them. Fucking awesome :D
I found my Abercrombie polo today after coming home from work. It was on the floor next to my bed. And it still smells of Millie, a mix of her perfume and my aftershave. It’s nice to have little reminders like that as, because I’m devoting so much energy to trying to forget my feelings, it’s too easy for me to try and forget everything about her, when I really REALLY don’t want to, I still think of her as a close friend. I hope she's still there after all of this :(
My arms hurt :), desperate need of massage. Almost forgot! Why does every bird I chat-up recently seem to have kids?! Mega frustrating. In my attempt to get back to the person I was, I know that I’m not looking for anything serious. I’m happy just to slip back into the casual-sex frame of mind. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to invest time into getting there, the chase is always a lot of fun. But, I’m 22, I haven’t even started my career yet. I’m definitely the kind of person who believes in romantic love and wants kids...eventually. But Millie was the exception, I’m not into anything serious at the moment. This is also something I needed to realise. I don’t need to replace Millie with somebody else. But yeah, I spoke to this bird at work a week or so ago and it turned out to be her first day. So I invited her up on break and got chatting and we’ve been friendly since. Pretty lass, takes good care of herself. Could do with less plucking of the eyebrows, she look surprised a lot of the time and it’s not like working down there is too perplexing :). But I found out today that she’s got a little lad. Dad’s nowhere to be seen. I’m hoping that it’s just the fact that the pool at work is pretty small and not that I just gravitate to mummy’s.
Had fun at Mike’s yesterday. Just a chilling session at the pub, few games of pool. Won £60 on football. Needing to get back into betting. Won about £500 so far this year so totally worth it. Just need to not succumb to the ‘betting for betting’s sake’ mentality. Then hanging out with Vicky, Harvey, Pip, Mike and Bert. Proper needed the distraction because Mum’s being crazy again. Can’t wait to get to uni and escape the home situation. I can’t even face it properly at the moment. Proper frying my mind.
Shattered. Will be more shattered tomorrow.
Still in love.
Love Kieran.
p.s. I fucking love Elliott Smith. Sometimes, I imagine he lived, and there are more rainbows.
EDIT: I went on another 12 mile run the other day. I saw a single dove seven times. Either it was following me round or these are the seven doves I saw the other day, all separated. One for sorrow, I remember that. But what does it mean when you see seven lone doves. Is that just epic sorrow? Epic sorrow.