(no subject)
This is a huge analysis of even more insights that I've had since the forum itself.
From the moment of my parents' divorce onward, life just seemed harder, and I began to relate to everyone as if they were a dangerous enemy. Even my own family had betrayed my confidence, so how could I ever trust anyone. People existed for me only as a potential source of pain. I was still willing to open up to people, and I tried on many occasions, but I was extremely sensitive to even the slightest upset. The second that anyone did anything that hurt me, I immediately filed their name away in the list of people that couldn't be trusted that I carried around in my head at all times. Anyone on that list was watched with suspicion or even outright hostility depending on the severity of the "offense". Periodically I would go back through the list to make sure that I had a proper tally of transgressions for everyone that I knew. I was very vigilant about this, because if ever I forgot, then I might start to trust that person again, which opened me up to far more hurt down the road. The list just kept getting larger and larger as time went on and probably tripled in junior high alone.
By the time I got to high school, my list was so long that I couldn't even remember all of the names. (even with my periodic reviews of it) My inability to keep track of just the individuals led to me listing groups, since it was far easier to keep track of everyone that I couldn't trust that way. By this point, I had been hurt so many times that trusting anyone at all seemed like a monumentally stupid prospect. The pains that I had suffered had become more and more egregious as I got older, and my response became more and more violent as a result. I had gone from being a sullen and withdrawn child to being and angry teen who lashed out at anything and everything. I hated pretty much the whole planet, and if I didn't hate you at the time it was simply because I hadn't been given a reason (or manufactured a reason) to hate you yet.
Everything that I liked was designed to be in direct opposition to something else. Some examples:
Country music was popular in Central Illinois, so I listened to the loudest, angriest heavy metal that I could find. (to be fair, it did help a lot with burning off the aggression in a "healthy" way)
The kids at school obsessed over their appearance and name brand clothing, so I wore anything that fit, clean or not, and stopped giving a damn about what I looked like, not to mention wearing makeup, leather and spikes, etc. (it was certainly cheaper, and I figured that anyone that couldn't get beyond my appearance was too shallow for me to get along with anyway)
Church was THE PLACE TO BE on Sunday mornings in the Midwest, so I gave up on all faith, denounced it as ignorant superstition and began reading religious texts that "debunked" God. (Though I have since found that all of the books I read really just reinforced my faith in God but made me hate organized religion, like I hated all other people at this point)
People hung out in large cliques of like-minded people, so I made sure that I was as unique as possible so that I would be alone...... (Gee, does anyone wonder at this point why I was alone so often?)
So, this hate filled, dirty, agnostic, metal-head with no friends graduates High School (by the skin of his teeth thanks to some teachers that never gave me reasons to hate them) and finds himself in the "real world". Does the phrase "real world" even apply at this point given how deluded I was? Regardless, a couple of years pass and I am laid off, kicked out of my house, and "forced" to join the army to avoid a seemingly permanent state of homelessness.
And here is where the story picks up in my next post.
From the moment of my parents' divorce onward, life just seemed harder, and I began to relate to everyone as if they were a dangerous enemy. Even my own family had betrayed my confidence, so how could I ever trust anyone. People existed for me only as a potential source of pain. I was still willing to open up to people, and I tried on many occasions, but I was extremely sensitive to even the slightest upset. The second that anyone did anything that hurt me, I immediately filed their name away in the list of people that couldn't be trusted that I carried around in my head at all times. Anyone on that list was watched with suspicion or even outright hostility depending on the severity of the "offense". Periodically I would go back through the list to make sure that I had a proper tally of transgressions for everyone that I knew. I was very vigilant about this, because if ever I forgot, then I might start to trust that person again, which opened me up to far more hurt down the road. The list just kept getting larger and larger as time went on and probably tripled in junior high alone.
By the time I got to high school, my list was so long that I couldn't even remember all of the names. (even with my periodic reviews of it) My inability to keep track of just the individuals led to me listing groups, since it was far easier to keep track of everyone that I couldn't trust that way. By this point, I had been hurt so many times that trusting anyone at all seemed like a monumentally stupid prospect. The pains that I had suffered had become more and more egregious as I got older, and my response became more and more violent as a result. I had gone from being a sullen and withdrawn child to being and angry teen who lashed out at anything and everything. I hated pretty much the whole planet, and if I didn't hate you at the time it was simply because I hadn't been given a reason (or manufactured a reason) to hate you yet.
Everything that I liked was designed to be in direct opposition to something else. Some examples:
Country music was popular in Central Illinois, so I listened to the loudest, angriest heavy metal that I could find. (to be fair, it did help a lot with burning off the aggression in a "healthy" way)
The kids at school obsessed over their appearance and name brand clothing, so I wore anything that fit, clean or not, and stopped giving a damn about what I looked like, not to mention wearing makeup, leather and spikes, etc. (it was certainly cheaper, and I figured that anyone that couldn't get beyond my appearance was too shallow for me to get along with anyway)
Church was THE PLACE TO BE on Sunday mornings in the Midwest, so I gave up on all faith, denounced it as ignorant superstition and began reading religious texts that "debunked" God. (Though I have since found that all of the books I read really just reinforced my faith in God but made me hate organized religion, like I hated all other people at this point)
People hung out in large cliques of like-minded people, so I made sure that I was as unique as possible so that I would be alone...... (Gee, does anyone wonder at this point why I was alone so often?)
So, this hate filled, dirty, agnostic, metal-head with no friends graduates High School (by the skin of his teeth thanks to some teachers that never gave me reasons to hate them) and finds himself in the "real world". Does the phrase "real world" even apply at this point given how deluded I was? Regardless, a couple of years pass and I am laid off, kicked out of my house, and "forced" to join the army to avoid a seemingly permanent state of homelessness.
And here is where the story picks up in my next post.