Log: Kaylin Confides In Milo
Who: Kaylin and Milo
Where: Starbucks off campus
When: During Kaylin’s junior year, and Milo’s sophomore
What: Kaylin tells Milo about kissing Shay
Warnings: Hmmm, none I think
Kaylin was freaking out. She had kissed Shay, more than once, and they had been amazing and fulfilling, and she wasn’t sure that she regretted doing it. She had broken up with her first girlfriend over the summer, and she had been depressed. Kissing Shay was the highlight of her year. She really liked her a lot, and she wanted things to work out. She just couldn’t find the words to tell her. Maybe Milo would have some good advice for her.
Milo was worried about his best friend. They had stopped being fake dating before the school year started. He sat across from her and immediately reached out to squeeze her hand. “You okay?”
It was so like Milo to immediately ask how she was, and she could feel her resolve crumbling already. “No, Mi, I’m totally not.” She said, tears falling down her cheeks.
Milo picked up his chair and set it flush against hers. He’s gained some height and broader shoulders over summer and used both to wrap her into a tight hug. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to.
She cried on his shoulder until she thought she couldn’t breathe, and finally said, “What would I do without you, Milo?” She took a deep breath. “I had the messiest breakup in the history of the world, and then the girl I picked to move on to was the worst choice ever.” She said, shaking her head.
He petted her back, his touch strong. “Rebounding isn’t a good option. Who was it?”
“Shay, my little.” Kaylin said, shaking her head. She may have just messed up one of the best friendships she’d ever had for a couple of kisses.
“Well.....crap.” He pushed his glasses up his nose. “I didn’t think she was gay... is she?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think so. I’ve been afraid to talk to her about it since then, in case she isn’t and she was just experimenting. I just, I fucked up so bad, Milo.” She said, as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks again.
“You can’t help who you’re attracted to.” He didn’t know what he could tell her. Liking someone you couldn’t have was hard enough without it getting complicated by touching. “She might be bi-sexual...”
“I don’t know. Being bi is something that girls who get drunk and say they are when they realize that they like kissing girls. It’s not like being bi is something that really happens.” She said bitterly, shaking her head.
Milo instantly went rigid. His nervous habit reared it’s head as he pushed his glasses up, his Adam’s apple working as he looked anywhere but to her. Of all the people he never expected to hear that from He’d have thought Kay would understand. He’d never told her, but she knew almost everything else about him. From his geeks tendencies to his obsession with Iron Man to his fears of being forced to marry someone he didn’t love. “It happens.”
Kaylin pulled away from him as he seemed to be upset with her. “What do you know about it, Milo? I mean, you’re straight! How can you even hope to understand what it’s like to be in love with someone of the same sex? I’ve been toyed with by girls who claimed they were bisexual. It’s not a thing, it doesn’t exist.”
“Look I understand more then you know okay?” Milo hated losing their closeness. He fiddled with his glasses again, taking them off before pushing them back on. “It exists. And people who toy are just bitches, it’s not a bi-sexual trait.”
She wished she could believe him. “I didn’t say it was mutually exclusive.” She snapped. She hated that they were fighting, but she just didn’t know if he understood how she felt. “And unless you’re gay, then you just can’t understand.” She said, as the tears fell down her face so hard she couldn’t see.
“You think I’ve never desired someone I could never have? That I’m not allowed to love. I’m queer.” Milo stared down at his hands. “I like both... I’ve kissed both....”
Kaylin wasn’t sure what to think when Milo told her that. She’d been hurt by so many girls who claimed they were bi, and she wasn’t sure she could get past this. “Milo, I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t need to say anything.” He wouldn’t look at her. “Forget it please.”
She cried harder, and hung her head in her hands for a minute. “I can’t forget it. I can’t change how I feel, but I am sorry that you were hurt because of what I said. I care about you so much, Mi, and I don’t want to hurt you ever.” She didn’t say how much she needed him, how much she wasn’t sure she could get through without him. Kaylin wasn’t sure how to articulate how to say that just right.
Milo finally looked over to her. They’d been thick as thieves for almost a year now, he couldn’t imagine not having her to talk to. He leaned back toward her. “Bi exists. And it sucks.” He wrapped his arm around her to cuddle her close again.
Kaylin had to agree with him. She didn’t know how horrible it must feel to be bi, since she was just straight gay, but she imagined it probably was just as bad as being gay sometimes. Well, not that it was necessarily bad. Kaylin was all mixed up in her head. “I just, I don’t know how to fix the situation. Shay means so much to me, and I hate that I fucked up so bad, you know?”
“Then just be honest with her. Everyone comes out and deals in their own time.” He sighed, trying to think of how to put his advice. “She’s more then just a good time right? Let her know that it means more to be her friend then her lover. If she wants you let her come to you.”
Kaylin thought that sounded like sound advice, but it was so healthy, and it didn’t sound like something she would do. “I’m too terrified. We haven’t talked about it at all since it happened.”
“Or you can avoid it and pretend it never happened.” Clearly this was not what he advised. He petted through her hair.
Kaylin actually thought that sounded like a brilliant idea. She knew it shouldn’t, but it did. “I wish that it were that simple.” Kaylin said, and she really did. “I just can’t tell her how I feel.”
“If you can’t tell her then let it be. It’s unfair to ask her to be in a deeper relationship if you’re not ready for it.” He hated to see his friend in another flash of attraction only to get burned. “It’s only high school. All the straight kids break up and get back together a million times, why not us?”
Kaylin wasn’t sure what to say, but she knew it was right. Why shouldn’t they get to break up and make up like the straight kids did? She guessed she didn’t want to do the same things that the other kids did. She wanted to be able to be in a healthy relationship. “It’s not that I’m not ready, I just, I don’t think she feels the same way and I don’t want to complicate things. Plus, I’m not sure that she even likes girls all like that. I could have just been something she was trying on.”
Now that she knew Milo was into boys, too, she thought maybe he should try out a relationship with a boy, or at least, have a fling with one or something. “You know, Mi, maybe you should kiss another boy or have a fling with one or something? It might be healthy, and you won’t have to limit yourself that way.”
“Kay... I’m not going to start exploring something I can never have.” His eyes were distance, a sadness beyond his years resting in his chest. “I can fall in love with a woman, why risk losing my heart to a boy?”
Kaylin wondered why he assumed he couldn’t have a boy, there were things to do and ways to find boys, he just didn’t understand. She took a shuddery breath and said, “Mi, you know you could have a man if you wanted, how will you know what you want if you never try to figure out exactly what it is?”
“Kay I’m fine I’m never with a male. I like both so it’s not that big of a deal.” IF he said it to himself enough times it would come true right?
She shook her head. “Mi, I don’t want you to regret not doing something about it. You should at least think about it, OK? Trust me, you don’t want to have something that you regret.”
“I’ll think about it.” He smiled and gave her another hug. “Come on, let’s get this pity party some ice-cream.”
Where: Starbucks off campus
When: During Kaylin’s junior year, and Milo’s sophomore
What: Kaylin tells Milo about kissing Shay
Warnings: Hmmm, none I think
Kaylin was freaking out. She had kissed Shay, more than once, and they had been amazing and fulfilling, and she wasn’t sure that she regretted doing it. She had broken up with her first girlfriend over the summer, and she had been depressed. Kissing Shay was the highlight of her year. She really liked her a lot, and she wanted things to work out. She just couldn’t find the words to tell her. Maybe Milo would have some good advice for her.
Milo was worried about his best friend. They had stopped being fake dating before the school year started. He sat across from her and immediately reached out to squeeze her hand. “You okay?”
It was so like Milo to immediately ask how she was, and she could feel her resolve crumbling already. “No, Mi, I’m totally not.” She said, tears falling down her cheeks.
Milo picked up his chair and set it flush against hers. He’s gained some height and broader shoulders over summer and used both to wrap her into a tight hug. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to.
She cried on his shoulder until she thought she couldn’t breathe, and finally said, “What would I do without you, Milo?” She took a deep breath. “I had the messiest breakup in the history of the world, and then the girl I picked to move on to was the worst choice ever.” She said, shaking her head.
He petted her back, his touch strong. “Rebounding isn’t a good option. Who was it?”
“Shay, my little.” Kaylin said, shaking her head. She may have just messed up one of the best friendships she’d ever had for a couple of kisses.
“Well.....crap.” He pushed his glasses up his nose. “I didn’t think she was gay... is she?”
“I don’t know, I don’t think so. I’ve been afraid to talk to her about it since then, in case she isn’t and she was just experimenting. I just, I fucked up so bad, Milo.” She said, as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks again.
“You can’t help who you’re attracted to.” He didn’t know what he could tell her. Liking someone you couldn’t have was hard enough without it getting complicated by touching. “She might be bi-sexual...”
“I don’t know. Being bi is something that girls who get drunk and say they are when they realize that they like kissing girls. It’s not like being bi is something that really happens.” She said bitterly, shaking her head.
Milo instantly went rigid. His nervous habit reared it’s head as he pushed his glasses up, his Adam’s apple working as he looked anywhere but to her. Of all the people he never expected to hear that from He’d have thought Kay would understand. He’d never told her, but she knew almost everything else about him. From his geeks tendencies to his obsession with Iron Man to his fears of being forced to marry someone he didn’t love. “It happens.”
Kaylin pulled away from him as he seemed to be upset with her. “What do you know about it, Milo? I mean, you’re straight! How can you even hope to understand what it’s like to be in love with someone of the same sex? I’ve been toyed with by girls who claimed they were bisexual. It’s not a thing, it doesn’t exist.”
“Look I understand more then you know okay?” Milo hated losing their closeness. He fiddled with his glasses again, taking them off before pushing them back on. “It exists. And people who toy are just bitches, it’s not a bi-sexual trait.”
She wished she could believe him. “I didn’t say it was mutually exclusive.” She snapped. She hated that they were fighting, but she just didn’t know if he understood how she felt. “And unless you’re gay, then you just can’t understand.” She said, as the tears fell down her face so hard she couldn’t see.
“You think I’ve never desired someone I could never have? That I’m not allowed to love. I’m queer.” Milo stared down at his hands. “I like both... I’ve kissed both....”
Kaylin wasn’t sure what to think when Milo told her that. She’d been hurt by so many girls who claimed they were bi, and she wasn’t sure she could get past this. “Milo, I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t need to say anything.” He wouldn’t look at her. “Forget it please.”
She cried harder, and hung her head in her hands for a minute. “I can’t forget it. I can’t change how I feel, but I am sorry that you were hurt because of what I said. I care about you so much, Mi, and I don’t want to hurt you ever.” She didn’t say how much she needed him, how much she wasn’t sure she could get through without him. Kaylin wasn’t sure how to articulate how to say that just right.
Milo finally looked over to her. They’d been thick as thieves for almost a year now, he couldn’t imagine not having her to talk to. He leaned back toward her. “Bi exists. And it sucks.” He wrapped his arm around her to cuddle her close again.
Kaylin had to agree with him. She didn’t know how horrible it must feel to be bi, since she was just straight gay, but she imagined it probably was just as bad as being gay sometimes. Well, not that it was necessarily bad. Kaylin was all mixed up in her head. “I just, I don’t know how to fix the situation. Shay means so much to me, and I hate that I fucked up so bad, you know?”
“Then just be honest with her. Everyone comes out and deals in their own time.” He sighed, trying to think of how to put his advice. “She’s more then just a good time right? Let her know that it means more to be her friend then her lover. If she wants you let her come to you.”
Kaylin thought that sounded like sound advice, but it was so healthy, and it didn’t sound like something she would do. “I’m too terrified. We haven’t talked about it at all since it happened.”
“Or you can avoid it and pretend it never happened.” Clearly this was not what he advised. He petted through her hair.
Kaylin actually thought that sounded like a brilliant idea. She knew it shouldn’t, but it did. “I wish that it were that simple.” Kaylin said, and she really did. “I just can’t tell her how I feel.”
“If you can’t tell her then let it be. It’s unfair to ask her to be in a deeper relationship if you’re not ready for it.” He hated to see his friend in another flash of attraction only to get burned. “It’s only high school. All the straight kids break up and get back together a million times, why not us?”
Kaylin wasn’t sure what to say, but she knew it was right. Why shouldn’t they get to break up and make up like the straight kids did? She guessed she didn’t want to do the same things that the other kids did. She wanted to be able to be in a healthy relationship. “It’s not that I’m not ready, I just, I don’t think she feels the same way and I don’t want to complicate things. Plus, I’m not sure that she even likes girls all like that. I could have just been something she was trying on.”
Now that she knew Milo was into boys, too, she thought maybe he should try out a relationship with a boy, or at least, have a fling with one or something. “You know, Mi, maybe you should kiss another boy or have a fling with one or something? It might be healthy, and you won’t have to limit yourself that way.”
“Kay... I’m not going to start exploring something I can never have.” His eyes were distance, a sadness beyond his years resting in his chest. “I can fall in love with a woman, why risk losing my heart to a boy?”
Kaylin wondered why he assumed he couldn’t have a boy, there were things to do and ways to find boys, he just didn’t understand. She took a shuddery breath and said, “Mi, you know you could have a man if you wanted, how will you know what you want if you never try to figure out exactly what it is?”
“Kay I’m fine I’m never with a male. I like both so it’s not that big of a deal.” IF he said it to himself enough times it would come true right?
She shook her head. “Mi, I don’t want you to regret not doing something about it. You should at least think about it, OK? Trust me, you don’t want to have something that you regret.”
“I’ll think about it.” He smiled and gave her another hug. “Come on, let’s get this pity party some ice-cream.”