Log: Bailey and Shay
Who: Shay and Bailey
When: Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Where: Mostly Bailey’s room
What: A fight
After leaving her surprise meeting with Jack, Shay had rushed back to the dorms to find Bailey. But, standing outside of the other girl’s dorm she’d faltered. It was late and she was angry. More than that she didn’t know if there was even a conversation to have. What was there anything to even talk about or try to fix? So, instead of finding Bailey she’d returned to her own room and got ready for bed. The next morning she’d caught sight of her at few times but for the most part had made herself scarce. So, when she saw what she was sure was Bailey’s backpack in an aisle too close to where she was seated she stood and began to quietly gather her things.
Bailey heard a chair scrape against the library carpet and turned at the noise. She sat up a littler straight when she saw it was Shay - her girlfriend hadn’t even sent her a text last night before she went to bed and Bailey had just shrugged it off, but she’d hardly seen her all day. Usually, they ran into each other a few times, but today Shay had been nowhere. “Hey,” she said quietly, pushing her chair out. Shay didn’t turn around. “Hey,” she whispered again. “Shay.”
“I can’t.” Shay bit out as she tossed pencils and highlighters into her backpack. She shook her head. She knew it wasn’t fair of her to not talk to Bailey or even try to give her some sort of explanation. But, as she tried to look over at her she realized she couldn’t without being overwhelmed with so many different emotions. “I can’t...I can’t even,” she shook her head and shouldered her back pack, grabbing for her books on the table.
“What?” Bailey sometimes felt like she was two steps behind Shay’s train of thought and this time she felt ten steps back. She stood up, mouth turned down in concern. “Shay,” she said, looking around. “What’s going on?” She reached for Shay’s arm.
Shay jerked away, accidentally knocking her notebook off the table in the process. She bent down to scoop up the sheets of paper that had flown out, placing them back inside regardless of the order she usually had them in. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bailey bend down to gather a few of the sheets. “Don’t,” she said leaning over then thinking better of it and standing up. Bailey could keep those she’d just re-due what she didn’t have. “You told Jack.” She hissed stepping back as Bailey offered her her work. “You told Jack.”
When Shay flinched away from her, Bailey felt her stomach flop. She had no idea what was wrong with Shay and she wished Shay would just say it. But when she did, Bailey’s heart dropped to her stomach. “Shay...” She moved closer, lowering her voice. People had looked over when Shay’s notebook hit the floor and they were going to draw a crowd if they kept it up.”Shay, let me explain, please.”
“No!” Shay exclaimed. She shook her head and pulled her notebook to her chest, trying to control herself. Behind Bailey she could see that more and more people were looking over at them. She shook her head again and turned, heading for the exit.
Abandoning her notebook and library books, Bailey followed Shay out of the library, jogging a few steps to catch up with her. She thought about grabbing Shay’s shoulder but something told her that wouldn’t go well. “Shay, please. Let me explain.”
Shaking her head Shay couldn’t understand why she was stopping. She knew she shouldn’t. She wanted to just keep going and not look back. “I,” she began but stopped as she looked down at the papers in her arms. On a visible corner of a newly crumbled edge was Bailey’s handwriting, a few lines of a poem that Shay remembered had made her smile. “I’m... not doing this here.”
Relieved that Shay had somewhat agreed to talk, Bailey let out a small sigh. Her hand hovered over the small of Shay’s back. “Okay,” she said slowly. “We can go back to my room? Or yours?”
“Yours.” Shay answered easily. Her answer was easy but her voice was still tight. She didn’t want Bailey in her room because it felt more personal than she wanted to be with the other girl. She looked down at her watch. “I have the Roses right now and then cross country. I’m going to get dinner then finish homework. I’ll be over at...11.”
“Can’t you...” skip it? she wanted to ask, but knew Shay would never say yes. Biting her lip, she nodded. “Okay. 11 o’clock.” Her hand twitched slightly, her fingers brushing against Shay’s lower back as she pushed her hand into her pocket. “I’ll see you then,” she said quietly.
Shay stepped forward then stopped, shaking her head she refused to look back.
~
Shay stood in the hallway outside of Bailey’s door at 11. Her arms crossed over her chest as she waited for Bailey to answer after she knocked.
Bailey pulled the door open quickly. “Hi.” Her voice felt scratchy from not using it. After Shay left her outside the library, Bailey had gone back inside, packed up her things and went to her room, laying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. Not even her roommate’s lecturing bothered her enough for Bailey to tell her to be quiet. “Come in.” She stepped back to let Shay inside.
“This - this is yours.” Shay said holding out Bailey’s shirt as she passed. “I washed it and I’m just...giving it back.” Shay didn’t sit once she was in the room. Maybe it had been a mistake to have this conversation here. Now she was in Bailey’s space. The other girl looked so sad. Shay didn’t want her to be sad. She felt some of her anger begin to slip away but then she remembered what it felt like when Jack had asked her about Bailey and the anger returned.
Bailey stared down at the shirt thrust at her. “But I gave it to you,” she said, mostly to herself. Twisting her fingers in the fabric, she watched Shay move into the room and stand there. It made Bailey uncomfortable. “I’m sorry,” she said to Shay. “I should have asked you, before I told Jack. I just... he kept hitting on me and it felt really, really good to tell him I was already in a relationship.”
“I almost kissed him.” Shay blurted out before looking down then back up. If they were going to have this conversation she wanted to put everything on the table. “You should know that. I mean, we might not even...need to...have anyone say anything more.”
The t-shirt fell through Bailey’s hands. She’d been expecting to get yelled at. She had been expecting Shay to tell her that they should have talked about it before telling anyone else. She had been expecting a few different scenarios, but not this. Not that Shay had almost kissed Jack. She hadn’t been ready for that. “You what?” she croaked, her throat dry.
“After I found out that he knew.” Shay said, turning to Bailey. “He’s not Artie or Lola or Lillian. I don’t know him. I don’t trust him. I don’t think you know him well enough for me to trust him. I was scared and I wanted to prove that...he was wrong.” Shay wrapped her arms tighter around herself. “But I couldn’t. Because you’re my girlfriend and that means something to me. It means that I don’t want to do things that hurt you.”
A part of Bailey wanted to go to Shay and hug her, but another part of her rebelled against the instinct. She stood still for a minute, eyes closed, her breathing shallow as she tried to work out Shay’s logic. “You don’t know him,” she started slowly. “And you don’t trust him so... so you almost kissed him? Being my girlfriend means something to you so you almost kissed him?”
“Well I wasn’t going to blow him to prove my heterosexuality.” Shay snapped, surprising even herself. “I was scared. I am scared.” She finally continued. “But that... fear is mine not yours. And since there is an us I can’t just... I can’t just do things for me anymore. Or at least that’s how I thought things worked. But then I found out that he knew my biggest fear and my girlfriend had told him and she couldn’t even come tell me before I found out from him.”
Bailey flinched again when Shay snapped at her. “I was going to tell you. I just didn’t get a chance. It’s not like I’ve seen you lately, anyway, and that’s not something you just text someone.” She ran her hand through her hair, frustrated. “What exactly were you going to do? Kiss him so he’d think you were straight? I can’t... I can’t believe you.”
“I don’t know...I...” Shay faltered, she hadn’t been proud of what she’d almost done. Despite her shame her frustration with Bailey still overwhelmed her. “You shouldn’t have told him without a word to me. You made a decision that can have a huge impact on my life, Bailey. But I didn’t have any input. I didn’t even have clue it had happened until Jack was asking me about a threesome. This is my life that you’re playing with. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. But it is to me. My dad is a Pastor. He thinks I’m going to hell because I want to be with you. This isn’t a joke or some secret that you share during telephone.”
“I know it’s not a joke,” Bailey hissed, her anger getting the best of her. “I tried to tell you after it happened, I just didn’t get a chance. It’s not like I knew you were going to run into his mouth, first.” She knew she was being catty, but her chest ached at the thought of Jack and Shay kissing.
“You shouldn’t have said anything at all without asking me.” Shay struggled to keep her voice low enough that people in the hallway or next door couldn’t overhear. Looking away at Bailey’s comment she let it go because a part of her knew that her girlfriend was justified. “I asked you if you could do this with me. I asked you and you said yes. Did you lie?”
“No, I didn’t lie,” Bailey said, softening a little. “I can do this.” She paused for a moment, her eyes stinging. “But can you? Because kissing Jack, or almost-kissing Jack, that’s not how you do this,” she said, pointing between herself and Shay.
“I’m sorry.” Shay said, aware that it was now her turn to apologize. She considered Bailey’s question. It was something she’d been asking herself as well. “I want to. I’m trying so hard but I’m also so...terrified. Except...” Shay looked away, “except for when I’m here with you then...then I’m just happy.”
Bailey sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed, running her hands through her hair. Shay had a way of making her heart do backflips even when Bailey knew she should still be upset. Her girlfriend had almost kissed someone else. She figured ‘almost’ was a really important word in the sentence, but still. She opened her mouth and closed it again, staring at Shay’s legs without lifting her head.
Shay took a step back toward the door. She wasn’t sure if they’d actually worked anything out or what they should do next to even try. “What now?”
Bailey shrugged, looking over Shay’s shoulder. “Did you...” She wasn’t going to ask if Shay wanted to kiss Jack. She didn’t want to know the answer, in case it was the answer she didn’t want to hear. Instead, she wiped her fingers across the bottom of her eye and shrugged again. “What do you want to do?”
“I just want... to not feel the way I felt yesterday again.” Shay bit her bottom lip. “No, I’m sure that’s going to happen again. I just want,” she frowned, “I want to trust you. I want to be able to trust you.”
Bailey almost laughed. “You want to be able to trust me? I’m not the one who...” She didn’t finish the sentence because saying ‘Jack’ and ‘kissed’ in the same sentence was starting to leave a bad taste in her mouth. “I said I was sorry for that.”
Shay stepped back until she was leaning against the door. Her eyes closed and her head fell back against the wood. “It’s not the same.” Shay said and maybe that was the wrong thing to say but it was how she felt. “It’s not the same. If you can’t see that, at least a little...I’m not sure if...we’re ever going to get past this..”
“Why do you always think we’re breaking up?” Bailey asked, unable to hold it in. “Every time we hit a bump, you just jump right to that thought. Do you want to break up with me?”
“Bailey, every fight we’ve had has been over basically the same thing. The only thing really.” Shay still didn’t open her eyes. She suddenly felt tired and unsure if she had the right to be mad after what she’d done. Logically she knew she did but it didn’t feel like that. “I just want us both to be happy. I want to feel safe with you and I don’t right now.”
Bailey took a deep breath. “I’m sorry he blindsided you. I’m sorry I said anything to him. I just...” She twisted her hands together. Sometimes, it felt a little like she was more into this relationship than Shay, like Shay was looking for reasons to run. “I’m crazy about you. And I wanted someone to know and I did it the wrong way.”
“I’m sorry that I almost kissed him. I’m sorry that we can’t tell everyone, anytime. I’m sorry that’s because of me and not you. No, I’m not sorry that you don’t have the same worry that I do. But, I’m sorry that you have to deal with mine.” Shay finally looked at Bailey. “I think you could do better, Bailey.” Shay quickly added. “This isn’t me fishing for a compliment. Better would be anyone who isn’t... scared like I am. I like you so much that I want that for you even...even if it’s not...” Shay faltered sudden tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry too.”
Bailey sighed and stood up. She took a few cautious steps forward, question in her eyes. “Can I... Can I hug you? I just... really, really need to hug you right now.”
“Yeah.” Shay pushed off of the door. “Yes.”
Meeting Shay halfway, Bailey wound her arms around Shay tightly, burying her face in Shay’s hair. “Let me decide who’s good for me, okay?” she murmured into Shay’s hair. “I’m sorry.”
“I feel so selfish.” Shay whispered, being honest in a way she wasn’t sure she had been before. “I feel selfish for letting you want to hold my hand when I know that I can’t all the time. For wanting to be with you even though we have to hide.” She hesitated as she tightened her grip around Bailey. “For being with you even though I know it’ll hurt my family.”
“It’s not being selfish,” Bailey whispered back. “It’s just growing up. Or something.” She had no idea what she was talking about but she wanted Shay to feel like it was okay for them to be together. She wanted to be selfish and keep Shay as hers. “I’m sorry I keep pushing you. That’s kind of selfish of me.”
“Sometimes it’s okay and other times it’s...not.” Shay didn’t think she needed to say that this was one of the less appreciated examples. “I don’t blame you for wanting what you do. I just wish that I could give it to you.”
“I just... wish you could be as okay with us as I am. And I know the reasons,” Bailey said quickly, wanting to make sure that Shay knew that she was aware of the reasons. “You’re just amazing and we’re pretty awesome and I wish that everyone could know it too.”
“You’re gonna give me that shirt back.” Shay mumbled as she let out a breath. “Maybe you could wear it some so that it smells like you again.”
Bailey let out a small laugh that hiccuped into a soft, single sob. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Baby, I’m sorry.” Shay whispered turning her head to press her lips to Bailey’s temple. “Please don’t cry.” She didn’t care that she had the right to be mad about what had happened. She didn’t care that Bailey had fallen a few words short of insulting her. She just didn’t want her girl to cry.
“Sorry,” Bailey rasped. “You just really scared me with that shirt thing,” she admitted.
“I’ll put it on right now if you want?” Shay offered, pulling back some to look at Bailey. “Then, if you want, we can lay own so it’ll still smell like you when I go back to my room later.”
Bailey laughed again, this time without crying. “I’d like that,” she whispered. She pulled back to see Shay’s face, her hand coming up to brush Shay’s hair out of her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“We both are.” Shay said earnestly. She leaned into Bailey’s touch. “We just have to try to not do the same things.” She moved her hands to the small of Bailey’s back and pulled her a little closer. “We’ll figure this out.”
Bailey let her eyes close, taking in the warmth of Shay’s presence. She knew she messed up and she was going to make it up to Shay, one way or another. First, she was going to have to talk to Jack, though. “We will,” she agreed. “We’ll get it right.”
“Can I kiss you now?” Shay whispered. “Would that be okay?”
“Yeah,” Bailey murmured. “That’s always okay.”
Shay nodded, leaning in. Her eyes fluttered closed but then they opened as she looked up at Bailey. She pressed their lips lightly together, once then twice, before her eyes closed again and she let herself hope that kissing Bailey would still make her feel the same as it always had.
Sighing, Bailey used the hand resting on Shay’s shoulder to pull her closer. She slid it against the back of Shay’s neck and kissed Shay’s bottom lip, then her upper lip. She just wanted to know Shay was there and Shay was hers.
Muscles tensing as she tried to resist the urge to stop forward toward the bed Shay let out a sigh as Bailey kissed her softly. Or was it slowly like she was scared she was going to run? Pressing her tongue to Bailey’s bottom lip Shay carefully deepened the kiss. She wasn’t going anywhere.
This time the noise Bailey let out was a groan as Shay’s tongue slipped inside her mouth. She let Shay set the pace, her free hand twisting Shay’s t-shirt at the small of her back. She took slow steps back towards the bed until she felt the edge against the back of her knees and then she stayed still, waiting for Shay’s next move.
“Sit.” Shay whispered, adding, “please,” as she took a step back. After Bailey was seated Shay reached for the bottom of her own shirt, pulling it off and letting it drop to the floor. She turned away for a moment to grab the shirt she’d given Bailey when she entered. Instead of putting it on she kept it in her hand as she moved to the bed, sliding it under the pillow she rested her head on as she reached for Bailey and pulled her close.
Sliding back onto her bed, Bailey turned on her side as she pressed her forehead against Shay’s, exhaustion taking over her body. She slide her hand over Shay’s side and down to her back, feeling goosebumps under her fingertips. “We can stay like this for a while, right?” She didn’t think her roommate would be back tonight and she wanted Shay to stay as long as she could.
“Yeah.” Shay said after a moment, taking in a slow breath as Bailey’s hand continued to gently explore. “We can, for a while.”
Bailey nodded and kissed Shay softly, pressing closer against her. This, right here, is where she wanted to be.
When: Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Where: Mostly Bailey’s room
What: A fight
After leaving her surprise meeting with Jack, Shay had rushed back to the dorms to find Bailey. But, standing outside of the other girl’s dorm she’d faltered. It was late and she was angry. More than that she didn’t know if there was even a conversation to have. What was there anything to even talk about or try to fix? So, instead of finding Bailey she’d returned to her own room and got ready for bed. The next morning she’d caught sight of her at few times but for the most part had made herself scarce. So, when she saw what she was sure was Bailey’s backpack in an aisle too close to where she was seated she stood and began to quietly gather her things.
Bailey heard a chair scrape against the library carpet and turned at the noise. She sat up a littler straight when she saw it was Shay - her girlfriend hadn’t even sent her a text last night before she went to bed and Bailey had just shrugged it off, but she’d hardly seen her all day. Usually, they ran into each other a few times, but today Shay had been nowhere. “Hey,” she said quietly, pushing her chair out. Shay didn’t turn around. “Hey,” she whispered again. “Shay.”
“I can’t.” Shay bit out as she tossed pencils and highlighters into her backpack. She shook her head. She knew it wasn’t fair of her to not talk to Bailey or even try to give her some sort of explanation. But, as she tried to look over at her she realized she couldn’t without being overwhelmed with so many different emotions. “I can’t...I can’t even,” she shook her head and shouldered her back pack, grabbing for her books on the table.
“What?” Bailey sometimes felt like she was two steps behind Shay’s train of thought and this time she felt ten steps back. She stood up, mouth turned down in concern. “Shay,” she said, looking around. “What’s going on?” She reached for Shay’s arm.
Shay jerked away, accidentally knocking her notebook off the table in the process. She bent down to scoop up the sheets of paper that had flown out, placing them back inside regardless of the order she usually had them in. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bailey bend down to gather a few of the sheets. “Don’t,” she said leaning over then thinking better of it and standing up. Bailey could keep those she’d just re-due what she didn’t have. “You told Jack.” She hissed stepping back as Bailey offered her her work. “You told Jack.”
When Shay flinched away from her, Bailey felt her stomach flop. She had no idea what was wrong with Shay and she wished Shay would just say it. But when she did, Bailey’s heart dropped to her stomach. “Shay...” She moved closer, lowering her voice. People had looked over when Shay’s notebook hit the floor and they were going to draw a crowd if they kept it up.”Shay, let me explain, please.”
“No!” Shay exclaimed. She shook her head and pulled her notebook to her chest, trying to control herself. Behind Bailey she could see that more and more people were looking over at them. She shook her head again and turned, heading for the exit.
Abandoning her notebook and library books, Bailey followed Shay out of the library, jogging a few steps to catch up with her. She thought about grabbing Shay’s shoulder but something told her that wouldn’t go well. “Shay, please. Let me explain.”
Shaking her head Shay couldn’t understand why she was stopping. She knew she shouldn’t. She wanted to just keep going and not look back. “I,” she began but stopped as she looked down at the papers in her arms. On a visible corner of a newly crumbled edge was Bailey’s handwriting, a few lines of a poem that Shay remembered had made her smile. “I’m... not doing this here.”
Relieved that Shay had somewhat agreed to talk, Bailey let out a small sigh. Her hand hovered over the small of Shay’s back. “Okay,” she said slowly. “We can go back to my room? Or yours?”
“Yours.” Shay answered easily. Her answer was easy but her voice was still tight. She didn’t want Bailey in her room because it felt more personal than she wanted to be with the other girl. She looked down at her watch. “I have the Roses right now and then cross country. I’m going to get dinner then finish homework. I’ll be over at...11.”
“Can’t you...” skip it? she wanted to ask, but knew Shay would never say yes. Biting her lip, she nodded. “Okay. 11 o’clock.” Her hand twitched slightly, her fingers brushing against Shay’s lower back as she pushed her hand into her pocket. “I’ll see you then,” she said quietly.
Shay stepped forward then stopped, shaking her head she refused to look back.
~
Shay stood in the hallway outside of Bailey’s door at 11. Her arms crossed over her chest as she waited for Bailey to answer after she knocked.
Bailey pulled the door open quickly. “Hi.” Her voice felt scratchy from not using it. After Shay left her outside the library, Bailey had gone back inside, packed up her things and went to her room, laying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. Not even her roommate’s lecturing bothered her enough for Bailey to tell her to be quiet. “Come in.” She stepped back to let Shay inside.
“This - this is yours.” Shay said holding out Bailey’s shirt as she passed. “I washed it and I’m just...giving it back.” Shay didn’t sit once she was in the room. Maybe it had been a mistake to have this conversation here. Now she was in Bailey’s space. The other girl looked so sad. Shay didn’t want her to be sad. She felt some of her anger begin to slip away but then she remembered what it felt like when Jack had asked her about Bailey and the anger returned.
Bailey stared down at the shirt thrust at her. “But I gave it to you,” she said, mostly to herself. Twisting her fingers in the fabric, she watched Shay move into the room and stand there. It made Bailey uncomfortable. “I’m sorry,” she said to Shay. “I should have asked you, before I told Jack. I just... he kept hitting on me and it felt really, really good to tell him I was already in a relationship.”
“I almost kissed him.” Shay blurted out before looking down then back up. If they were going to have this conversation she wanted to put everything on the table. “You should know that. I mean, we might not even...need to...have anyone say anything more.”
The t-shirt fell through Bailey’s hands. She’d been expecting to get yelled at. She had been expecting Shay to tell her that they should have talked about it before telling anyone else. She had been expecting a few different scenarios, but not this. Not that Shay had almost kissed Jack. She hadn’t been ready for that. “You what?” she croaked, her throat dry.
“After I found out that he knew.” Shay said, turning to Bailey. “He’s not Artie or Lola or Lillian. I don’t know him. I don’t trust him. I don’t think you know him well enough for me to trust him. I was scared and I wanted to prove that...he was wrong.” Shay wrapped her arms tighter around herself. “But I couldn’t. Because you’re my girlfriend and that means something to me. It means that I don’t want to do things that hurt you.”
A part of Bailey wanted to go to Shay and hug her, but another part of her rebelled against the instinct. She stood still for a minute, eyes closed, her breathing shallow as she tried to work out Shay’s logic. “You don’t know him,” she started slowly. “And you don’t trust him so... so you almost kissed him? Being my girlfriend means something to you so you almost kissed him?”
“Well I wasn’t going to blow him to prove my heterosexuality.” Shay snapped, surprising even herself. “I was scared. I am scared.” She finally continued. “But that... fear is mine not yours. And since there is an us I can’t just... I can’t just do things for me anymore. Or at least that’s how I thought things worked. But then I found out that he knew my biggest fear and my girlfriend had told him and she couldn’t even come tell me before I found out from him.”
Bailey flinched again when Shay snapped at her. “I was going to tell you. I just didn’t get a chance. It’s not like I’ve seen you lately, anyway, and that’s not something you just text someone.” She ran her hand through her hair, frustrated. “What exactly were you going to do? Kiss him so he’d think you were straight? I can’t... I can’t believe you.”
“I don’t know...I...” Shay faltered, she hadn’t been proud of what she’d almost done. Despite her shame her frustration with Bailey still overwhelmed her. “You shouldn’t have told him without a word to me. You made a decision that can have a huge impact on my life, Bailey. But I didn’t have any input. I didn’t even have clue it had happened until Jack was asking me about a threesome. This is my life that you’re playing with. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. But it is to me. My dad is a Pastor. He thinks I’m going to hell because I want to be with you. This isn’t a joke or some secret that you share during telephone.”
“I know it’s not a joke,” Bailey hissed, her anger getting the best of her. “I tried to tell you after it happened, I just didn’t get a chance. It’s not like I knew you were going to run into his mouth, first.” She knew she was being catty, but her chest ached at the thought of Jack and Shay kissing.
“You shouldn’t have said anything at all without asking me.” Shay struggled to keep her voice low enough that people in the hallway or next door couldn’t overhear. Looking away at Bailey’s comment she let it go because a part of her knew that her girlfriend was justified. “I asked you if you could do this with me. I asked you and you said yes. Did you lie?”
“No, I didn’t lie,” Bailey said, softening a little. “I can do this.” She paused for a moment, her eyes stinging. “But can you? Because kissing Jack, or almost-kissing Jack, that’s not how you do this,” she said, pointing between herself and Shay.
“I’m sorry.” Shay said, aware that it was now her turn to apologize. She considered Bailey’s question. It was something she’d been asking herself as well. “I want to. I’m trying so hard but I’m also so...terrified. Except...” Shay looked away, “except for when I’m here with you then...then I’m just happy.”
Bailey sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed, running her hands through her hair. Shay had a way of making her heart do backflips even when Bailey knew she should still be upset. Her girlfriend had almost kissed someone else. She figured ‘almost’ was a really important word in the sentence, but still. She opened her mouth and closed it again, staring at Shay’s legs without lifting her head.
Shay took a step back toward the door. She wasn’t sure if they’d actually worked anything out or what they should do next to even try. “What now?”
Bailey shrugged, looking over Shay’s shoulder. “Did you...” She wasn’t going to ask if Shay wanted to kiss Jack. She didn’t want to know the answer, in case it was the answer she didn’t want to hear. Instead, she wiped her fingers across the bottom of her eye and shrugged again. “What do you want to do?”
“I just want... to not feel the way I felt yesterday again.” Shay bit her bottom lip. “No, I’m sure that’s going to happen again. I just want,” she frowned, “I want to trust you. I want to be able to trust you.”
Bailey almost laughed. “You want to be able to trust me? I’m not the one who...” She didn’t finish the sentence because saying ‘Jack’ and ‘kissed’ in the same sentence was starting to leave a bad taste in her mouth. “I said I was sorry for that.”
Shay stepped back until she was leaning against the door. Her eyes closed and her head fell back against the wood. “It’s not the same.” Shay said and maybe that was the wrong thing to say but it was how she felt. “It’s not the same. If you can’t see that, at least a little...I’m not sure if...we’re ever going to get past this..”
“Why do you always think we’re breaking up?” Bailey asked, unable to hold it in. “Every time we hit a bump, you just jump right to that thought. Do you want to break up with me?”
“Bailey, every fight we’ve had has been over basically the same thing. The only thing really.” Shay still didn’t open her eyes. She suddenly felt tired and unsure if she had the right to be mad after what she’d done. Logically she knew she did but it didn’t feel like that. “I just want us both to be happy. I want to feel safe with you and I don’t right now.”
Bailey took a deep breath. “I’m sorry he blindsided you. I’m sorry I said anything to him. I just...” She twisted her hands together. Sometimes, it felt a little like she was more into this relationship than Shay, like Shay was looking for reasons to run. “I’m crazy about you. And I wanted someone to know and I did it the wrong way.”
“I’m sorry that I almost kissed him. I’m sorry that we can’t tell everyone, anytime. I’m sorry that’s because of me and not you. No, I’m not sorry that you don’t have the same worry that I do. But, I’m sorry that you have to deal with mine.” Shay finally looked at Bailey. “I think you could do better, Bailey.” Shay quickly added. “This isn’t me fishing for a compliment. Better would be anyone who isn’t... scared like I am. I like you so much that I want that for you even...even if it’s not...” Shay faltered sudden tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry too.”
Bailey sighed and stood up. She took a few cautious steps forward, question in her eyes. “Can I... Can I hug you? I just... really, really need to hug you right now.”
“Yeah.” Shay pushed off of the door. “Yes.”
Meeting Shay halfway, Bailey wound her arms around Shay tightly, burying her face in Shay’s hair. “Let me decide who’s good for me, okay?” she murmured into Shay’s hair. “I’m sorry.”
“I feel so selfish.” Shay whispered, being honest in a way she wasn’t sure she had been before. “I feel selfish for letting you want to hold my hand when I know that I can’t all the time. For wanting to be with you even though we have to hide.” She hesitated as she tightened her grip around Bailey. “For being with you even though I know it’ll hurt my family.”
“It’s not being selfish,” Bailey whispered back. “It’s just growing up. Or something.” She had no idea what she was talking about but she wanted Shay to feel like it was okay for them to be together. She wanted to be selfish and keep Shay as hers. “I’m sorry I keep pushing you. That’s kind of selfish of me.”
“Sometimes it’s okay and other times it’s...not.” Shay didn’t think she needed to say that this was one of the less appreciated examples. “I don’t blame you for wanting what you do. I just wish that I could give it to you.”
“I just... wish you could be as okay with us as I am. And I know the reasons,” Bailey said quickly, wanting to make sure that Shay knew that she was aware of the reasons. “You’re just amazing and we’re pretty awesome and I wish that everyone could know it too.”
“You’re gonna give me that shirt back.” Shay mumbled as she let out a breath. “Maybe you could wear it some so that it smells like you again.”
Bailey let out a small laugh that hiccuped into a soft, single sob. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Baby, I’m sorry.” Shay whispered turning her head to press her lips to Bailey’s temple. “Please don’t cry.” She didn’t care that she had the right to be mad about what had happened. She didn’t care that Bailey had fallen a few words short of insulting her. She just didn’t want her girl to cry.
“Sorry,” Bailey rasped. “You just really scared me with that shirt thing,” she admitted.
“I’ll put it on right now if you want?” Shay offered, pulling back some to look at Bailey. “Then, if you want, we can lay own so it’ll still smell like you when I go back to my room later.”
Bailey laughed again, this time without crying. “I’d like that,” she whispered. She pulled back to see Shay’s face, her hand coming up to brush Shay’s hair out of her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“We both are.” Shay said earnestly. She leaned into Bailey’s touch. “We just have to try to not do the same things.” She moved her hands to the small of Bailey’s back and pulled her a little closer. “We’ll figure this out.”
Bailey let her eyes close, taking in the warmth of Shay’s presence. She knew she messed up and she was going to make it up to Shay, one way or another. First, she was going to have to talk to Jack, though. “We will,” she agreed. “We’ll get it right.”
“Can I kiss you now?” Shay whispered. “Would that be okay?”
“Yeah,” Bailey murmured. “That’s always okay.”
Shay nodded, leaning in. Her eyes fluttered closed but then they opened as she looked up at Bailey. She pressed their lips lightly together, once then twice, before her eyes closed again and she let herself hope that kissing Bailey would still make her feel the same as it always had.
Sighing, Bailey used the hand resting on Shay’s shoulder to pull her closer. She slid it against the back of Shay’s neck and kissed Shay’s bottom lip, then her upper lip. She just wanted to know Shay was there and Shay was hers.
Muscles tensing as she tried to resist the urge to stop forward toward the bed Shay let out a sigh as Bailey kissed her softly. Or was it slowly like she was scared she was going to run? Pressing her tongue to Bailey’s bottom lip Shay carefully deepened the kiss. She wasn’t going anywhere.
This time the noise Bailey let out was a groan as Shay’s tongue slipped inside her mouth. She let Shay set the pace, her free hand twisting Shay’s t-shirt at the small of her back. She took slow steps back towards the bed until she felt the edge against the back of her knees and then she stayed still, waiting for Shay’s next move.
“Sit.” Shay whispered, adding, “please,” as she took a step back. After Bailey was seated Shay reached for the bottom of her own shirt, pulling it off and letting it drop to the floor. She turned away for a moment to grab the shirt she’d given Bailey when she entered. Instead of putting it on she kept it in her hand as she moved to the bed, sliding it under the pillow she rested her head on as she reached for Bailey and pulled her close.
Sliding back onto her bed, Bailey turned on her side as she pressed her forehead against Shay’s, exhaustion taking over her body. She slide her hand over Shay’s side and down to her back, feeling goosebumps under her fingertips. “We can stay like this for a while, right?” She didn’t think her roommate would be back tonight and she wanted Shay to stay as long as she could.
“Yeah.” Shay said after a moment, taking in a slow breath as Bailey’s hand continued to gently explore. “We can, for a while.”
Bailey nodded and kissed Shay softly, pressing closer against her. This, right here, is where she wanted to be.