Log: Niki & Kaylin
Who: Niki and Kaylin
When: Wednesday, Sept 28, 2011
Where: Thornes Hall
What: sneaking in, sneaking out and finding love in between
Kaylin wanted to talk to Niki about something. She felt that she could tell him. She didn’t want to tell any of her other friends, necessarily, but she trusted Niki a lot and she thought he could be discreet. She was going to tell him she was a lesbian. She wanted at least one of her friends to know. She headed to the Thorne hall, to go to Niki’s room. She knew they weren’t allowed to hang out there, but maybe they could go somewhere. She should have texted him and asked him if he was even there. When she reached his room she knocked on the door. She knew she wasn’t supposed to go up into the hallway, but she was being a rebel. It definitely fit to her personality.
Surprised by the knock on his door, Niki opened it up. He had just come from the showers and was only wearing his boxer-briefs and socks since his hair was still wet from the shower. He was slowly making his way towards the idea of pajama pants and a shirt, but hadn’t quite made it yet in favor of watching videos on youtube.
“Yeah?” he raised an eyebrow when he saw it was Kaylin. That was unexpected. Very unexpected, “Come on in,” he suggested, not wanting her to get in trouble for being seen in the hallways. Perhaps inviting her in wasn’t the best idea since they would both get in trouble if she was caught, but he was willing to take the risk.
Kaylin quickly ducked into Niki’s room. She was very nervous. Niki was the first person that she had chosen to tell about herself. Niki was gay, so it’s not like she was worried about him not accepting her, she was just more concerned about actually telling someone. She had no experience, and wasn’t sure how it was going to feel. “Nik, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” She said, nervously wringing her hands and giving him a nervous smile.
“Now, Kaylin,” Niki drawled, unconcerned by his state of undress, “I know I’m irresistible, but I’m not your booty call. You’re welcome to ogle all you’d like you,” he smiled teasing her as he pulled a pair of sweat pants and a AWM football t-shirt on. It was a little cool to be just wearing underwear right now, but more than that, it was just appropriate given the situation and company. “What’s up?”
“Well, there’s something pretty serious I want to tell you.” She sat down on Niki’s bed. She ran her hands through her hair. “Well, two things, actually.” She wasn’t sure how to say what she needed to say. “Well, first things first, there’s someone I am really starting to like.” She couldn’t help but smile as she thought of Hana. She had had such a blast at the coffee house the other day. She said, “The other thing is, I’m a lesbian.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. She actually did feel a little better.
Niki blinked, “Well, who do you like then?” he asked reasonably. Because well, if she was being so secretive about that then he assumed it was like...Azimio or something like that. “Also, that’s perfect. When we get married, it’ll be awesome. Nothing would be more awkward than if you had a crush on me and then we were both doing the stable boy.”
Kaylin shook her head. “No, Niki. I’m gay. I like Hana.” She did laugh at his premise, though. “But you’re right, I think that would have been completely awesome.” She wondered what he was going to say. “I just, I don’t know what to do now, because I don’t know how Hana feels, and I am afraid to say anything to her. Plus, we’re not allowed to be gay if you go to this school. I am all confused.” She had been fine about herself until she had started to like Hana. She had just thought she was gay because her mother wouldn’t want her to be. Now she actually liked someone.
Sitting down, Niki turned serious as he sat cross legged, “Well...do you think she might like you?” he asked reasonably, “Not ‘being allowed’ to be gay is like not being allowed to breath. Yeah, it’s frowned on and we can’t take our boyfriends or girlfriends to school dances, but...they aren’t going to expel us or send us for ‘reeducation’ or nothing. A lot of schools have rules like that for dances and it don’t make it right, but it ain’t unusual either. Honestly, that there are so many willing to come out at this school, if only to me,” and quite a few were out only to him, but that was fine, “is a testament of the safety and acceptance we get here. It ain’t perfect, but then it ain’t a perfect world either. We just all gotta do our part.”
Kaylin shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’ve known her for awhile, we’re on the volleyball team together. She’s going to help me with my karate.” Tears started to shine in Kaylin’s eyes. Karate was so important to her. She added, “I know it’s not right, Nik, but they’re just so behind the times a little bit. Especially with all their rules. I used to think I was just gay because I thought my mother would die. Now I actually like somebody.”
“Yeah, they’re behind,” he agreed, “but they’re making progress too. It’s like...karate. You can’t go doing something a black belt can do until you’ve gone through all the belts before, right?” Niki didn’t know much about karate, but he knew there were belts and that black was the highest, “Each stage you improve on the one before and learn new things to advance. Same thing with this. Coming out is a step. Being openly gay here is a step. It’s all moving in the right direction,” and it was a hell of a lot better than where he was from. “Well...I think whatever you do, don’t copy Lia. No kissing Hana until you have a better idea of if she might be amenable to that or not.”
Kaylin laughed a little. “Yeah, I’m not planning on doing that. We got coffee the other day after the Roses meeting with Figgins. I wanted to kiss her so bad. I don’t know what came over me, it was out of nowhere. I don’t know what happened. She was just so cute, and then she offered to help me with my karate. I haven’t been able to study my karate in like, two years because my mother doesn’t want me to take it. It’s been very hard to advance because of not being able to get to my sensei’s house. I always loved doing karate because no one can reject me for how I am when I’m doing it. I can commune with nature and it is very peaceful.”
Leaning forward, Niki pressed his lips against hers in a kiss. He smelled clean and sort of sweet like coffee and chocolate. He had never kissed a girl before, and honestly, it didn’t feel all that different from kissing a guy though her lips were much softer, there wasn’t any stubble. When two men kissed, in his experience, there was no kisser and kissee, but two men fighting to be kisser and both winning. With this....well, it was more like kisser and kissee, though that could also be because of the unexpectedness of it too.
Kaylin hardly knew what to think as Niki kissed her. Too surprised to do much but kiss back, she did. She had kissed boys before, here and there, and she was mostly indifferent to it. She surprised herself by slipping her hand up into Niki’s hair and getting it tangled there. She was still not sure what to think of this. Niki had blindsided her. She wondered what was going to happen now. She kissed him until she ran out of breath and then said, “Nik, what was that?”
“I’d never kissed a girl,” he said, lips a little kiss-stung. “And I figured, you might need some clarity. Because you could be a lesbian, but if it was just to piss off your mom, you might be bisexual too. So....I kissed you,” possibly not his most well thought out plan. “You’re not bad at that, by the way.”
Kaylin rubbed her lips, too. She wasn’t sure what to think. “Well, it was a great kiss.” She felt all discombobulated now. “I guess it’s hard to tell from one kiss whether you liked it or not. You are a great friend, Niki. I really wouldn’t mind if we did get married one day. It would be a good thing. ‘Specially if I am still a lesbian.” She straightened up her clothes a second, nervous about what was going to happen now. She had not expected this when she had come to talk to Niki.
Niki wasn’t too sure if he should kiss her again now and make out properly. He had no interest in it, but then he was certain of his sexuality and one kiss would neither change or make him question it. It was however apparently enough for Kaylin. “That you’re questioning it after one kiss by a guy you know is gay is pretty telling though, Kay,” Niki pointed out, “Anyways, I liked it. It wasn’t a ‘love it’ or a ‘I want to do it again’ sort of thing though. I wasn’t sure where to put my hands,” he grinned, he had planned to put them where he might on a guy, but then thought she might not like that. He wasn’t sure. “And you know...you have boobs. Which is fine for you, but...awkward.”
“Well, I’ve been kissed by guys before, but never somebody that I was friends with. It was always they were pawing me after a date that we’d been on, or something. I have never had sex with a guy, because I was very sure that I wasn’t into them. And I didn’t like it whenever one was trying to kiss me. I’m still pretty sure I’m gay, I think. I guess I’ll have to try kissing another guy to be sure.” She shook her head to clear it. “Suffice it to say, as good as the kiss was, I still kinda wish it had been Hana.” Kaylin hoped she hadn’t offended him.
He wasn’t offended in the slightest. It wasn’t as if he was into her really either, “I’m not having sex with you, Kaylin,” Niki smiled at her joking so that she knew he really wasn’t upset at all, “Well...my suggestion is to feel her out. Not up though, yet. See if she might swing that way. And if she does, great. If not, there’s Lia still, who you know does. So she might be someone to consider.”
Kaylin nodded slowly. She knew he had a point. “I guess you’re right.” She said, laughing. “I don’t know, there was this moment, after we got coffee. She touched my hand, and I felt this electricity. I could just have been wishful thinking, but I don’t know. It felt real. But you’re right, until I know for sure, I shouldn’t do anything like Lia did. I still don’t know what possessed her to try and kiss Margo like that.” She shook her head.
“The same thing as you. She was really into Margo and she knew it would never be reciprocated,” he sighed and lay down on his bed, sort of around her, getting comfortable, “Kissing straight girls is a bad idea. Or straight boys if you’re me. It makes them unhappy and awkward, not to mention that they cannot feel for you like you do for them. But they are good to look at.”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m sure that Lia didn’t feel that great either.” Kaylin looked at her hands, which were sitting on her lap. “It’s been the first time I’ve liked someone since I dated this girl Lana a couple of summers ago. I totally don’t know how to handle myself at all right now.” Kaylin said, as she closed her eyes, thinking of Lana.
“Kaylin...” Niki trailed off. “Listen to me. You’re getting ahead of yourself. You don’t even know if she’s into you or even open to that sort of thing. So back up. Be her friend, find these things out, discreetly preferably. Don’t lose a friendship needlessly over your libido. Just get a vibrator if you need.”
“I guess you’re right, I do need to dial it back. It’s just hard. And yeah, I know about the discreet thing, I’ve had to hide who I was my entire life, it won’t be anything new to keep doing it now. I knew this was the right place to come and get some perspective.” She gave him a naughty smile. “And I already have a vibrator.” She laughed, too.
“Hey, I never said it was easy,” Niki laughed at that, it definitely wasn’t easy sometimes! “I’m not saying you have to hide it, Kay. I think I’m the last person who would advocate that. I won’t out you either. It has to be your choice,” matching her naughty smile, he poked her with a finger, “Knew I liked you for a reason.”
Kaylin couldn’t keep the laugh from bubbling out of her again. She poked him back. “I know, Nik, I trust you. You’re probably the only person that I would want to talk to about this, except maybe Shay. But there’s a reason why I didn’t want to tell her, either.” She sighed. “It’s OK, I am definitely not sure that I am ready for anyone to know just yet. Under my parents’ thumb, as you know.” She hoped she held her look of pain in well.
He was out, but he understood the parent thing very well. “Well...there’s this to think of too - if you do pursue something with Hana then there’s a greater chance of people finding out and all that. I suppose it’s possible to date and be in the closet, but....I don’t honestly see how,” of course, he had never tried either. “And yeah. Parents. They suck.”
“I think it would be possible to at least try. But like you said, it’s all moot until I really know how she feels about it. I don’t know, I am all mixed up right now. And yeah, I don’t know what I want to do about my parents yet. There is no way they are ever going to accept me for who I am, so if I am willing to defy them, then I am going to have to adjust to a new way of life, because they will totally cut me off.” Kaylin knew she shouldn’t care about money so much, and she didn’t really, except she would have nowhere to go if they did. She was up the creek without a paddle, so to speak.
“So...bide your time,” Niki suggested. “Here, they might find out about your actions, but you graduate in a year. Less, really. Then in college, they can’t stop you or control you or even track you. After that....your life is yours. I won’t say it’ll be easy or anything, but it’ll be yours. And I know four years or more sounds like a lot and it is, but..it’s not impossible.” He didn’t know what else to tell her.
Kaylin figured he might be right. She just wasn’t sure what to do. “I know, I just, I wish they wouldn’t be so rigid about it. I do love Mother and Father, even if they are a bit set in their ways. I would hate to get married one day, to the girl I loved and my parents not being there. It makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes.”
Niki nodded. That...was pretty much how his wedding would be most likely. If he ever got married. “Then it’s their choice for not accepting you as you are,” he answered sadly. “And ultimately...it’s your life. You have to make yourself happy and live with it. They’ll die and....you’ll be left with yourself and your choices and it won’t matter if they agreed or not.”
Kaylin looked at Niki, tears shining in her eyes. She hated that he was right. She wished that her parents could just accept her for who she was. She accepted them for who they were. “It’s just hard to accept that they don’t love me. I used to try and please them as best I could when I was younger. I got tired of it, it was so hard. Nothing I did was ever right for my mother. I’ve always felt kind of like that girl from Titanic, even though our troubles are a little different.” She said, shrugging.
“The bible says...” Niki paused, it was a little ironic that a guy who had such issue with the bible would quote it now, “The bible says you should honor thy father and mother and that’s fine. Honor isn’t love. It says nothing about loving them, nor does it say anything about parents loving or even honoring their children. So...I guess it’s too much to hope for sometimes.”
Kaylin nodded, not sure what to say to that. Lord knows she hadn’t really read her bible like she should, she just got confused most of the time, it seemed so contradictory. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I find it hard most of the time to honor them.” She said sighing.
“Well...yeah,” Niki nodded, “That’s true. I have that problem sometimes too. At least it’s a more attainable goal than loving though,” because if that were the case, he would be screwed. He wanted to love his parents, but it was hard to when they didn’t love him. Softly, he began to sing under his breath, the song had a sort of country sound to it, “No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard. No one said it would be easy, no one thought we'd come this far...”
Kaylin smiled. She wasn’t sure she’d heard the song, but it sounded nice. She did agree with him. “It is easier to honor them than love them. I spend most of the time wanting to kill them. I barely got a minute to myself this summer, they had so many things planned for me. It really was annoying. I totally wish sometimes that these boys they keep finding would end up totally hating me, but it never happens. I’m just too hot.” She said, not able to hold back her laugh.
“You could develop a debilitating tick or fart in public and pick your wedgie,” Niki suggested, laughing at the mental image, “Don’t tell them you’re a lesbian though. Then they’ll just want to watch.”
“Yeah, you’re totally so right about that. I told one of them, and he almost lost his mind. I totally regretted it, and I haven’t told any of them since. I was just lucky enough he didn’t say anything. He ended up getting back together with his old girlfriend, so it wasn’t something I had to deal with.” Kaylin said, laughing.
Ow. That sounded...unpleasant, “So...” he trailed off, not wanting to kick Kaylin out, but he did have a question, “Not that I’m against you being here or whatever, but...how are you going to sneak back out to the girls dorm?”
“Not sure, I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. Got any suggestions?” She asked, a look of slight nervousness crossing her face.
“Run like the wind?” Niki didn’t know. He was on the second floor so going out the window wasn’t an option. “Do whatever you did to get up here in reverse?” he was less than helpful.
“Well, I guess. I kinda just waited until no one was in the hall and bolted. I guess I could try that again.” Kaylin said, shrugging. “I guess I can go so you don’t get in trouble. I actually am not sure I want to get in trouble myself.” Kaylin stood up, nervous. She’d been nervous on the way here.
“Good luck,” Niki offered, more about being comfortable with herself and her sexuality than anything else, but also so that she could get back to her dorm without getting caught.
When: Wednesday, Sept 28, 2011
Where: Thornes Hall
What: sneaking in, sneaking out and finding love in between
Kaylin wanted to talk to Niki about something. She felt that she could tell him. She didn’t want to tell any of her other friends, necessarily, but she trusted Niki a lot and she thought he could be discreet. She was going to tell him she was a lesbian. She wanted at least one of her friends to know. She headed to the Thorne hall, to go to Niki’s room. She knew they weren’t allowed to hang out there, but maybe they could go somewhere. She should have texted him and asked him if he was even there. When she reached his room she knocked on the door. She knew she wasn’t supposed to go up into the hallway, but she was being a rebel. It definitely fit to her personality.
Surprised by the knock on his door, Niki opened it up. He had just come from the showers and was only wearing his boxer-briefs and socks since his hair was still wet from the shower. He was slowly making his way towards the idea of pajama pants and a shirt, but hadn’t quite made it yet in favor of watching videos on youtube.
“Yeah?” he raised an eyebrow when he saw it was Kaylin. That was unexpected. Very unexpected, “Come on in,” he suggested, not wanting her to get in trouble for being seen in the hallways. Perhaps inviting her in wasn’t the best idea since they would both get in trouble if she was caught, but he was willing to take the risk.
Kaylin quickly ducked into Niki’s room. She was very nervous. Niki was the first person that she had chosen to tell about herself. Niki was gay, so it’s not like she was worried about him not accepting her, she was just more concerned about actually telling someone. She had no experience, and wasn’t sure how it was going to feel. “Nik, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” She said, nervously wringing her hands and giving him a nervous smile.
“Now, Kaylin,” Niki drawled, unconcerned by his state of undress, “I know I’m irresistible, but I’m not your booty call. You’re welcome to ogle all you’d like you,” he smiled teasing her as he pulled a pair of sweat pants and a AWM football t-shirt on. It was a little cool to be just wearing underwear right now, but more than that, it was just appropriate given the situation and company. “What’s up?”
“Well, there’s something pretty serious I want to tell you.” She sat down on Niki’s bed. She ran her hands through her hair. “Well, two things, actually.” She wasn’t sure how to say what she needed to say. “Well, first things first, there’s someone I am really starting to like.” She couldn’t help but smile as she thought of Hana. She had had such a blast at the coffee house the other day. She said, “The other thing is, I’m a lesbian.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. She actually did feel a little better.
Niki blinked, “Well, who do you like then?” he asked reasonably. Because well, if she was being so secretive about that then he assumed it was like...Azimio or something like that. “Also, that’s perfect. When we get married, it’ll be awesome. Nothing would be more awkward than if you had a crush on me and then we were both doing the stable boy.”
Kaylin shook her head. “No, Niki. I’m gay. I like Hana.” She did laugh at his premise, though. “But you’re right, I think that would have been completely awesome.” She wondered what he was going to say. “I just, I don’t know what to do now, because I don’t know how Hana feels, and I am afraid to say anything to her. Plus, we’re not allowed to be gay if you go to this school. I am all confused.” She had been fine about herself until she had started to like Hana. She had just thought she was gay because her mother wouldn’t want her to be. Now she actually liked someone.
Sitting down, Niki turned serious as he sat cross legged, “Well...do you think she might like you?” he asked reasonably, “Not ‘being allowed’ to be gay is like not being allowed to breath. Yeah, it’s frowned on and we can’t take our boyfriends or girlfriends to school dances, but...they aren’t going to expel us or send us for ‘reeducation’ or nothing. A lot of schools have rules like that for dances and it don’t make it right, but it ain’t unusual either. Honestly, that there are so many willing to come out at this school, if only to me,” and quite a few were out only to him, but that was fine, “is a testament of the safety and acceptance we get here. It ain’t perfect, but then it ain’t a perfect world either. We just all gotta do our part.”
Kaylin shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’ve known her for awhile, we’re on the volleyball team together. She’s going to help me with my karate.” Tears started to shine in Kaylin’s eyes. Karate was so important to her. She added, “I know it’s not right, Nik, but they’re just so behind the times a little bit. Especially with all their rules. I used to think I was just gay because I thought my mother would die. Now I actually like somebody.”
“Yeah, they’re behind,” he agreed, “but they’re making progress too. It’s like...karate. You can’t go doing something a black belt can do until you’ve gone through all the belts before, right?” Niki didn’t know much about karate, but he knew there were belts and that black was the highest, “Each stage you improve on the one before and learn new things to advance. Same thing with this. Coming out is a step. Being openly gay here is a step. It’s all moving in the right direction,” and it was a hell of a lot better than where he was from. “Well...I think whatever you do, don’t copy Lia. No kissing Hana until you have a better idea of if she might be amenable to that or not.”
Kaylin laughed a little. “Yeah, I’m not planning on doing that. We got coffee the other day after the Roses meeting with Figgins. I wanted to kiss her so bad. I don’t know what came over me, it was out of nowhere. I don’t know what happened. She was just so cute, and then she offered to help me with my karate. I haven’t been able to study my karate in like, two years because my mother doesn’t want me to take it. It’s been very hard to advance because of not being able to get to my sensei’s house. I always loved doing karate because no one can reject me for how I am when I’m doing it. I can commune with nature and it is very peaceful.”
Leaning forward, Niki pressed his lips against hers in a kiss. He smelled clean and sort of sweet like coffee and chocolate. He had never kissed a girl before, and honestly, it didn’t feel all that different from kissing a guy though her lips were much softer, there wasn’t any stubble. When two men kissed, in his experience, there was no kisser and kissee, but two men fighting to be kisser and both winning. With this....well, it was more like kisser and kissee, though that could also be because of the unexpectedness of it too.
Kaylin hardly knew what to think as Niki kissed her. Too surprised to do much but kiss back, she did. She had kissed boys before, here and there, and she was mostly indifferent to it. She surprised herself by slipping her hand up into Niki’s hair and getting it tangled there. She was still not sure what to think of this. Niki had blindsided her. She wondered what was going to happen now. She kissed him until she ran out of breath and then said, “Nik, what was that?”
“I’d never kissed a girl,” he said, lips a little kiss-stung. “And I figured, you might need some clarity. Because you could be a lesbian, but if it was just to piss off your mom, you might be bisexual too. So....I kissed you,” possibly not his most well thought out plan. “You’re not bad at that, by the way.”
Kaylin rubbed her lips, too. She wasn’t sure what to think. “Well, it was a great kiss.” She felt all discombobulated now. “I guess it’s hard to tell from one kiss whether you liked it or not. You are a great friend, Niki. I really wouldn’t mind if we did get married one day. It would be a good thing. ‘Specially if I am still a lesbian.” She straightened up her clothes a second, nervous about what was going to happen now. She had not expected this when she had come to talk to Niki.
Niki wasn’t too sure if he should kiss her again now and make out properly. He had no interest in it, but then he was certain of his sexuality and one kiss would neither change or make him question it. It was however apparently enough for Kaylin. “That you’re questioning it after one kiss by a guy you know is gay is pretty telling though, Kay,” Niki pointed out, “Anyways, I liked it. It wasn’t a ‘love it’ or a ‘I want to do it again’ sort of thing though. I wasn’t sure where to put my hands,” he grinned, he had planned to put them where he might on a guy, but then thought she might not like that. He wasn’t sure. “And you know...you have boobs. Which is fine for you, but...awkward.”
“Well, I’ve been kissed by guys before, but never somebody that I was friends with. It was always they were pawing me after a date that we’d been on, or something. I have never had sex with a guy, because I was very sure that I wasn’t into them. And I didn’t like it whenever one was trying to kiss me. I’m still pretty sure I’m gay, I think. I guess I’ll have to try kissing another guy to be sure.” She shook her head to clear it. “Suffice it to say, as good as the kiss was, I still kinda wish it had been Hana.” Kaylin hoped she hadn’t offended him.
He wasn’t offended in the slightest. It wasn’t as if he was into her really either, “I’m not having sex with you, Kaylin,” Niki smiled at her joking so that she knew he really wasn’t upset at all, “Well...my suggestion is to feel her out. Not up though, yet. See if she might swing that way. And if she does, great. If not, there’s Lia still, who you know does. So she might be someone to consider.”
Kaylin nodded slowly. She knew he had a point. “I guess you’re right.” She said, laughing. “I don’t know, there was this moment, after we got coffee. She touched my hand, and I felt this electricity. I could just have been wishful thinking, but I don’t know. It felt real. But you’re right, until I know for sure, I shouldn’t do anything like Lia did. I still don’t know what possessed her to try and kiss Margo like that.” She shook her head.
“The same thing as you. She was really into Margo and she knew it would never be reciprocated,” he sighed and lay down on his bed, sort of around her, getting comfortable, “Kissing straight girls is a bad idea. Or straight boys if you’re me. It makes them unhappy and awkward, not to mention that they cannot feel for you like you do for them. But they are good to look at.”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m sure that Lia didn’t feel that great either.” Kaylin looked at her hands, which were sitting on her lap. “It’s been the first time I’ve liked someone since I dated this girl Lana a couple of summers ago. I totally don’t know how to handle myself at all right now.” Kaylin said, as she closed her eyes, thinking of Lana.
“Kaylin...” Niki trailed off. “Listen to me. You’re getting ahead of yourself. You don’t even know if she’s into you or even open to that sort of thing. So back up. Be her friend, find these things out, discreetly preferably. Don’t lose a friendship needlessly over your libido. Just get a vibrator if you need.”
“I guess you’re right, I do need to dial it back. It’s just hard. And yeah, I know about the discreet thing, I’ve had to hide who I was my entire life, it won’t be anything new to keep doing it now. I knew this was the right place to come and get some perspective.” She gave him a naughty smile. “And I already have a vibrator.” She laughed, too.
“Hey, I never said it was easy,” Niki laughed at that, it definitely wasn’t easy sometimes! “I’m not saying you have to hide it, Kay. I think I’m the last person who would advocate that. I won’t out you either. It has to be your choice,” matching her naughty smile, he poked her with a finger, “Knew I liked you for a reason.”
Kaylin couldn’t keep the laugh from bubbling out of her again. She poked him back. “I know, Nik, I trust you. You’re probably the only person that I would want to talk to about this, except maybe Shay. But there’s a reason why I didn’t want to tell her, either.” She sighed. “It’s OK, I am definitely not sure that I am ready for anyone to know just yet. Under my parents’ thumb, as you know.” She hoped she held her look of pain in well.
He was out, but he understood the parent thing very well. “Well...there’s this to think of too - if you do pursue something with Hana then there’s a greater chance of people finding out and all that. I suppose it’s possible to date and be in the closet, but....I don’t honestly see how,” of course, he had never tried either. “And yeah. Parents. They suck.”
“I think it would be possible to at least try. But like you said, it’s all moot until I really know how she feels about it. I don’t know, I am all mixed up right now. And yeah, I don’t know what I want to do about my parents yet. There is no way they are ever going to accept me for who I am, so if I am willing to defy them, then I am going to have to adjust to a new way of life, because they will totally cut me off.” Kaylin knew she shouldn’t care about money so much, and she didn’t really, except she would have nowhere to go if they did. She was up the creek without a paddle, so to speak.
“So...bide your time,” Niki suggested. “Here, they might find out about your actions, but you graduate in a year. Less, really. Then in college, they can’t stop you or control you or even track you. After that....your life is yours. I won’t say it’ll be easy or anything, but it’ll be yours. And I know four years or more sounds like a lot and it is, but..it’s not impossible.” He didn’t know what else to tell her.
Kaylin figured he might be right. She just wasn’t sure what to do. “I know, I just, I wish they wouldn’t be so rigid about it. I do love Mother and Father, even if they are a bit set in their ways. I would hate to get married one day, to the girl I loved and my parents not being there. It makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes.”
Niki nodded. That...was pretty much how his wedding would be most likely. If he ever got married. “Then it’s their choice for not accepting you as you are,” he answered sadly. “And ultimately...it’s your life. You have to make yourself happy and live with it. They’ll die and....you’ll be left with yourself and your choices and it won’t matter if they agreed or not.”
Kaylin looked at Niki, tears shining in her eyes. She hated that he was right. She wished that her parents could just accept her for who she was. She accepted them for who they were. “It’s just hard to accept that they don’t love me. I used to try and please them as best I could when I was younger. I got tired of it, it was so hard. Nothing I did was ever right for my mother. I’ve always felt kind of like that girl from Titanic, even though our troubles are a little different.” She said, shrugging.
“The bible says...” Niki paused, it was a little ironic that a guy who had such issue with the bible would quote it now, “The bible says you should honor thy father and mother and that’s fine. Honor isn’t love. It says nothing about loving them, nor does it say anything about parents loving or even honoring their children. So...I guess it’s too much to hope for sometimes.”
Kaylin nodded, not sure what to say to that. Lord knows she hadn’t really read her bible like she should, she just got confused most of the time, it seemed so contradictory. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I find it hard most of the time to honor them.” She said sighing.
“Well...yeah,” Niki nodded, “That’s true. I have that problem sometimes too. At least it’s a more attainable goal than loving though,” because if that were the case, he would be screwed. He wanted to love his parents, but it was hard to when they didn’t love him. Softly, he began to sing under his breath, the song had a sort of country sound to it, “No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard. No one said it would be easy, no one thought we'd come this far...”
Kaylin smiled. She wasn’t sure she’d heard the song, but it sounded nice. She did agree with him. “It is easier to honor them than love them. I spend most of the time wanting to kill them. I barely got a minute to myself this summer, they had so many things planned for me. It really was annoying. I totally wish sometimes that these boys they keep finding would end up totally hating me, but it never happens. I’m just too hot.” She said, not able to hold back her laugh.
“You could develop a debilitating tick or fart in public and pick your wedgie,” Niki suggested, laughing at the mental image, “Don’t tell them you’re a lesbian though. Then they’ll just want to watch.”
“Yeah, you’re totally so right about that. I told one of them, and he almost lost his mind. I totally regretted it, and I haven’t told any of them since. I was just lucky enough he didn’t say anything. He ended up getting back together with his old girlfriend, so it wasn’t something I had to deal with.” Kaylin said, laughing.
Ow. That sounded...unpleasant, “So...” he trailed off, not wanting to kick Kaylin out, but he did have a question, “Not that I’m against you being here or whatever, but...how are you going to sneak back out to the girls dorm?”
“Not sure, I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. Got any suggestions?” She asked, a look of slight nervousness crossing her face.
“Run like the wind?” Niki didn’t know. He was on the second floor so going out the window wasn’t an option. “Do whatever you did to get up here in reverse?” he was less than helpful.
“Well, I guess. I kinda just waited until no one was in the hall and bolted. I guess I could try that again.” Kaylin said, shrugging. “I guess I can go so you don’t get in trouble. I actually am not sure I want to get in trouble myself.” Kaylin stood up, nervous. She’d been nervous on the way here.
“Good luck,” Niki offered, more about being comfortable with herself and her sexuality than anything else, but also so that she could get back to her dorm without getting caught.