Endless Dedication, My Gift To You
If it's not one thing, than I guess it's the other. I have decided what I am going to post tonight will probably piss off a few people that I do care about, but I have to do it anyway, I'm tired of carrying this burden, frankly I am just tired. There are several things that within myself, I do feel are not up to par, that are not great qualities and it upsets me because I try so hard. I mean goddamn it I am out there, I am taking the fucking chance, I have forfeited everything in my life that I had to; to get to where I am today, I am all about taking the chance, hoping that maybe I will be lucky, but I'm not, I am graced with beauty in every other sense than the one where I need it tonight, where I need it, right now in my life. I am angry at myself for not being able to practice my guitar as much as I would like to. I am angry that all I care about is this fucking hope, that I try to make reality every single day of my life, and every time I try harder, it just gets harder. The harder I work, the more money I have to spend on things that I shouldn't have to spend money on. I want to have nice guitar gear, I want to have all the dvd's and cd's that I have had to sell to get money. I would like to have just a few nice things. I'm not in any way shape or form materialistic, I'm more of an emotional person, to those who know me personally you know this. I would rather have a million moments that I will always forever be able to share with people and remember forever, than a fucking 500 dollar ipod which just will end up breaking or getting stolen. Maybe that is why I pour my heart into this, and to be 100% honest I don't think you do. I have never, EVER seen it. I get along with you, I think of you as a friend at most, you have never really opened a door for me to ever get closer to you, and that is fine for me, which will make my decision ultimately easier for me there will be less for me to cope with, but I'm almost positive I know what I'm going to say, and what I'm going to do. And for that I'm sorry, not for the conclusion I have come to, but for the fact that you don't care about this like I do. I base myself with a lot of pride, I work very hard for my passions, as you may too, just in a different sense. That is ok, but not for me anymore. It has gone on for way to long, and I can't even begin to justify it. I am angry at myself for allowing me to justify it for this long. I don't care about breaking hearts anymore, I don't care about anyone's feelings, mine have not been spared with the tons of bullshit which you have put on me over this time. I drove around tonight and couldn't even begin to justify why the fuck I should have to work through my vacations, why I should work 7 days a week. Why I should have to work 2 jobs, why I should have to take everything I have and put it back into something, that honestly it seems no one really cares about anymore. There is a reason that I do this, because I want this more than you, I aspire to welcome this into my life, and I try so damn hard. I can't even begin to see this commitment in you, don't even try to sell yourself to me. I don't care to hear it. I'm fucking struggling and you can't even see that, do you care not to? That is what it seems like to me. I'm doing everything in my power to not hit the bottom, because that is when I won't ever want this to be part of my life again. And the fact that you can't even see that I just can't always do it, yet you never manage to chip in and pull your weight. I don't feel like slugging your shit around for you anymore, and that is my decision. I'm sure this will manage to tear apart everything. I have a feeling that saying all this, will only be the beginning of the end, but I need to. I can't hold it in anymore, and it would be wrong to ask me to do so. I think that it will always just get better, I'm a very optimistic person, you have used me, and taken for granted my good nature, and the fact that you know I will do everything in my power to live my dream. You disgust me at times, and if you are reading this I want you to know. I work over 80 hours a week, I bust my ass in a manual labor job, I don't ever buy anything, I throw all my money at my living expenses and my band. And if you read this and feel the slightest bit of guilt, than guess what.....this is about you.
This feeling won't pass through me.
And to the man I talked to in my car coming home, and told that I would provide you with the opportunity to continue to follow your dreams, I do not mean any of this towards you...my contributions are genuine to you, I hold you to nothing right now, please know that.
It's the other now, I'm not wasting anymore of my life for something I don't even think you want....I think I have wasted enough.
This feeling won't pass through me.
And to the man I talked to in my car coming home, and told that I would provide you with the opportunity to continue to follow your dreams, I do not mean any of this towards you...my contributions are genuine to you, I hold you to nothing right now, please know that.
It's the other now, I'm not wasting anymore of my life for something I don't even think you want....I think I have wasted enough.