This Is My Life In The Mirror

[awinterskiss]

Today i decided that i needed to just shut the fuck up and get this goddamn second job at the hut i put it off for too long, so i did it. And here it stands, i walked in did some twenty minute test and then WHAMMY i was hired on spot i start on Friday. Today i have been in one of my moods, thus the journal entry. I just need to get some shit off my chest hopefully it will make me feel a hundred times better, if you read this and don't like what you hear, i don't give a fuck, I'm tired of smiling and sugar coating it for everyone....or not really. Sometimes i can never seem to say what i really want to, so there fore anything i say can't really mean a goddamn thing. If you miss me too bad, i miss myself too. I have been way to critical on myself lately. And I'm goddamn sick and tired of being associated as a piece of shit, i would like to think that i have done a lot for the little that i have been alive. I never ever have time to just myself, which might be a good thing for me cause that is when I'm most critical of myself, as in tonight for example i spent the whole day by myself, alone...i hate being alone, just me and the world. All I'll do is beat myself up for all the mistakes that i might have made, or am about to make. I feel like it is three years ago, or do i wish it was, life was so much easier then. I didn't need two jobs to get myself straight, i could just chill and i had time for everything, and everyone, i had a pretty upbeat social life, now I'm 21 and working for pretty much nothing cause i see nothing of my paycheck, the man's got me down. I doze in and out of sleep all day long cause i can't sleep long enough at night it's almost pathetic. I just want to ride along the night sky with the music playing as loud as it can and not have to think about anything at all, where my next dollar goes, can i make it to next week on twenty dollars again, when are my parents gonna just put my shit in the front lawn for me to pick up. The girl at pizza hut today apparently thought i was hott, she felt the need to tell mark that. I found it to be funny, and simply replied with my knowledge of the situation. Got in my car and proceeded to my house to find necessary information about my driving record and my insurance card. I think if i can stay awake tonight i will clean up my room it's a mess.

I drove around for a while listening to the new Jimmy Eat World cd, i really enjoy it a lot. I just feel out of place sometimes, i was so down today everything was getting to me and so forth, i had to pull over and let it all set in, I don't know i feel so worthless, i almost have no meaning sometimes...