shambles shambles shambles
So my cousin had her son on Sunday morning, and he's the most beautiful baby ever.
So that's a very beautiful thing to have happen to my family, so we should all be very happy, right?
WRONG.
That same day, another one of my cousins (same age as the one that just had baby Jordan - 16) decided to run away. She's been stealing prescription drugs from a family member, has been doing other drugs, etc. Monday night she came back home and vandalized the house. Then she left again. Last night she went to another family member's home and tried to fight 2 of my cousins who were there, one of them whom was pregnant. Her parents tried to take her to the mental health facility here in town but she cried her way out of going.
The level of disgust I feel is obscene. Of all my cousins, she is the most advantaged one. She gets anything she wants. And she does this. She is so ungrateful and has no idea what she has in front of her, yet continues to act out and make it seem like her life is awful and it couldn't get worse.
What makes it even worse is that one of my Aunts is in her 4th stage of liver cancer, so the stress of all of this is making her sick. If her nonsense kills my aunt I am never going to forgive her. EVER.
It's so bittersweet because the joy of the new life in our family brings us hope but this cousin of mine is bringing us down so far.
So basically, I'm hurting. A lot. This all came out of nowhere (with the exception of my cousin always being a selfish inconsiderate spoiled girl), so my guard was down. I've got to pray.
And I wish I had you to talk about it. I wish I could cry into your arms. I wish that you could tell me that it will all work itself out, even if life is a mess right now. But... you're not here. And I can't do anything about it.
I want it all to stop. I want the world to stop spinning for like a month so I can get my life in shape. I want Ally to be here. I want Ashley to go on a drive with me. I want Baxter to be here all summer. I want Ingrid to NOT go to Paris. I want Khamil and JuJu back from Bermuda.
I want you to be okay. Through all of this, I'm still worrying about you. And that's not really a bad thing, I think that just shows the level of care there is. I don't know if I like that I worry for you right now, or if I should be scared because that means I actually like you. But do you even actually like me anymore?
It's just all a mess. For real. Not a small mess. It's like when you give a 2 year old a Monopoly game and they fuck all your shit up. The money is strewn all over the house, the houses and hotels are nowhere to be found, the properties are all out of order, and half the game pieces are now missing. That's my life right now.
Well, if we take all these things and we bury them fast and we pray that they turn into seeds, to roots, and then grass it'd be alright. It's alright, it'd be easier that way. Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain like it knew it was time to start things over again it'd be alright. It's alright, it'd be easier that way. (One of the few songs on "Daisy" I actually liked. Most of the CD reminds me of me and Ben breaking up, since I got this CD when we started having our problems. Somehow, this song did not go under the file in my hippocampus labeled "breakup with Ben".)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath.