Avengers (2012): "As If You Have a Choice: Epilogue" (3/3) (Clint/Natasha)
Title: As If You Have a Choice: Epilogue (3/3)
Author/Artist: Koren M. (cybermathwitch)
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, there'd already be a Black Widow/Hawkeye movie.
Pairing: Clint/Natasha
Rating: Adult, 17+
Warnings: language, buckets of angst, discussion of abortion, did I mention angst? No, really
Spoilers: none
Type: complete
Word Count: 421
Summary: She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no way for a child to work in their life. None. Even if they were willing to leave what they did for a living behind (which was as essential to both of them as breathing) there would be no way to keep it safe. Too many people would be interested in the child of a Black Widow, particularly one who’d been enhanced like she had - either for experimentation, leverage, or revenge.
Author's Notes:
Many, many, many thank yous to my betas kadollan, sweetwatersong, anuna_81, and SidheRa (if I've forgotten someone else I bounced this off of, I apologize profusely)... this story took forever and a lot of hand-holding to write.
There's no character death, but I'm not kidding about the angst, y'all.
In re: "discussion of abortion" - this isn't meant to be a political stance on the issue one way or t'other. It's simply how I feel these particular characters would view/discuss/approach the issue, period.
In re: POVs - Clint has always been the one telling me this story. The very first scene I had in my head was one of their central conversations, and the bucket-o-feels he had about the subject. I had always intended to go back and write in Natasha's points of view to alternate with his, because that makes sense and it's absolutely her story too and involves her just as much, but all I could ever get out of her was the intro. Then finally, after seriously considering giving up on the whole project, I got the epilogue from her in one mad rush in the middle of the night - but nothing else. I think the epilogue gives a better explanation of *why* she didn't want to "talk" about the rest of the fic.
If you want the soundtrack, it's Snow Patrol's "Run".
Dear Daughter (A Letter Unsent)
Dear Daughter,
I do not know you. I will not know you, because you aren't mine to know.
You aren't mine.
I was just a stepping stone in bringing you here. You won't understand that yet, you might never understand why I say it - I hope that you never do. I tried so hard, while I carried you, to keep you separate and apart from me - and I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh, but then so am I. I am too many sharp edges and too many dark memories to be a mother to you, so I am not. I know as much as I know anything you will be better off with people who will know how to care for you and who won't paint your life red.
Red is the color of my life, both my life and your father's. I know you're important to him and sometimes, I even think that he would make a good parent to you if he tried. But that would kill him. Neither of us is capable of living a "normal" life without going slowly, quietly mad. Eventually, that would press at the seams until it all leaked out like some kind of red ruin that would spread all over everything and everyone around us. Including you. I held myself apart from you because I didn't want the dark thing inside of me to take root inside of you.
We have pasts, we have secrets, and we have responsibilities. Duties. Debts. These are the words that make up our lives but they shouldn't make up the life of a child. You should have the things we were not given - safety, comfort, love. Things we were taught not to believe in and therefore could never give to you. The best thing that we can give to you is your best chance at the lie of a safe life. As long as no one knows who you are, you will be safe and protected.
I wish for you all of the good things in life. We have done what we can to insure that for you and I can only hope that you will forgive us for it.
Because despite myself and my best efforts, despite not truly understanding what the word means, I believe I do love you, and I cannot stand the thought that any harm might come to you. You are the best thing that we have ever done, the best parts of us.
Author/Artist: Koren M. (cybermathwitch)
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, there'd already be a Black Widow/Hawkeye movie.
Pairing: Clint/Natasha
Rating: Adult, 17+
Warnings: language, buckets of angst, discussion of abortion, did I mention angst? No, really
Spoilers: none
Type: complete
Word Count: 421
Summary: She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no way for a child to work in their life. None. Even if they were willing to leave what they did for a living behind (which was as essential to both of them as breathing) there would be no way to keep it safe. Too many people would be interested in the child of a Black Widow, particularly one who’d been enhanced like she had - either for experimentation, leverage, or revenge.
Author's Notes:
Many, many, many thank yous to my betas kadollan, sweetwatersong, anuna_81, and SidheRa (if I've forgotten someone else I bounced this off of, I apologize profusely)... this story took forever and a lot of hand-holding to write.
There's no character death, but I'm not kidding about the angst, y'all.
In re: "discussion of abortion" - this isn't meant to be a political stance on the issue one way or t'other. It's simply how I feel these particular characters would view/discuss/approach the issue, period.
In re: POVs - Clint has always been the one telling me this story. The very first scene I had in my head was one of their central conversations, and the bucket-o-feels he had about the subject. I had always intended to go back and write in Natasha's points of view to alternate with his, because that makes sense and it's absolutely her story too and involves her just as much, but all I could ever get out of her was the intro. Then finally, after seriously considering giving up on the whole project, I got the epilogue from her in one mad rush in the middle of the night - but nothing else. I think the epilogue gives a better explanation of *why* she didn't want to "talk" about the rest of the fic.
If you want the soundtrack, it's Snow Patrol's "Run".
Dear Daughter (A Letter Unsent)
Dear Daughter,
I do not know you. I will not know you, because you aren't mine to know.
You aren't mine.
I was just a stepping stone in bringing you here. You won't understand that yet, you might never understand why I say it - I hope that you never do. I tried so hard, while I carried you, to keep you separate and apart from me - and I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh, but then so am I. I am too many sharp edges and too many dark memories to be a mother to you, so I am not. I know as much as I know anything you will be better off with people who will know how to care for you and who won't paint your life red.
Red is the color of my life, both my life and your father's. I know you're important to him and sometimes, I even think that he would make a good parent to you if he tried. But that would kill him. Neither of us is capable of living a "normal" life without going slowly, quietly mad. Eventually, that would press at the seams until it all leaked out like some kind of red ruin that would spread all over everything and everyone around us. Including you. I held myself apart from you because I didn't want the dark thing inside of me to take root inside of you.
We have pasts, we have secrets, and we have responsibilities. Duties. Debts. These are the words that make up our lives but they shouldn't make up the life of a child. You should have the things we were not given - safety, comfort, love. Things we were taught not to believe in and therefore could never give to you. The best thing that we can give to you is your best chance at the lie of a safe life. As long as no one knows who you are, you will be safe and protected.
I wish for you all of the good things in life. We have done what we can to insure that for you and I can only hope that you will forgive us for it.
Because despite myself and my best efforts, despite not truly understanding what the word means, I believe I do love you, and I cannot stand the thought that any harm might come to you. You are the best thing that we have ever done, the best parts of us.