Avengers (2012): "As If You Have a Choice: Prologue" (1/3) (Clint/Natasha)
Title: As If You Have a Choice: Prologue (1/3)
Author/Artist: Koren M. (cybermathwitch)
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, there'd already be a Black Widow/Hawkeye movie.
Pairing: Clint/Natasha
Rating: Adult, 17+
Warnings: language, buckets of angst, discussion of abortion, did I mention angst? No, really
Spoilers: none
Type: complete
Word Count: 391
Summary: She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no way for a child to work in their life. None. Even if they were willing to leave what they did for a living behind (which was as essential to both of them as breathing) there would be no way to keep it safe. Too many people would be interested in the child of a Black Widow, particularly one who’d been enhanced like she had - either for experimentation, leverage, or revenge.
Author's Notes:
Many, many, many thank yous to my betas kadollan, sweetwatersong, anuna_81, and SidheRa (if I've forgotten someone else I bounced this off of, I apologize profusely)... this story took forever and a lot of hand-holding to write.
There's no character death, but I'm not kidding about the angst, y'all.
In re: "discussion of abortion" - this isn't meant to be a political stance on the issue one way or t'other. It's simply how I feel these particular characters would view/discuss/approach the issue, period.
In re: POVs - Clint has always been the one telling me this story. The very first scene I had in my head was one of their central conversations, and the bucket-o-feels he had about the subject. I had always intended to go back and write in Natasha's points of view to alternate with his, because that makes sense and it's absolutely her story too and involves her just as much, but all I could ever get out of her was the intro. Then finally, after seriously considering giving up on the whole project, I got the epilogue from her in one mad rush in the middle of the night - but nothing else. I think the epilogue gives a better explanation of *why* she didn't want to "talk" about the rest of the fic.
If you want the soundtrack, it's Snow Patrol's "Run".
Her first thought was "no."
Her second thought was "I can't."
Her third thought, predictably, was "shit."
Then she started to breathe again.
******
She cleared a few days on her schedule and went to an apartment she kept in McLean, one that was unconnected to SHIELD. She waited until the following morning to take the test she'd brought with her, and halfway convinced herself it was because the instructions claimed it would be more accurate that way.
Five minutes later, the lines were clear and unmistakable.
Natasha didn't indulge herself in blind panic, even for something like this. Her own emotions were ricocheting around in her head, uncertain, but foremost was that she had no idea how to tell Clint.
She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no way for a child to work in their life. None. Even if they were willing to leave what they did for a living behind (which was as essential to both of them as breathing) there would be no way to keep it safe. Too many people would be interested in the child of a Black Widow, particularly one who’d been enhanced like she had - either for experimentation, leverage, or revenge. They’d both pissed off a hell of a lot of people in their time with SHIELD, and more before that. Then there was the Red Room itself, who would positively salivate at the idea of getting their hands on it.
That thought twisted darkly in her gut and Natasha finished throwing up what little breakfast she’d managed to get down, then rinsed out her mouth. She splashed water on her face, then dried off with a towel and gave herself exactly thirty seconds to lean against the sink before straightening.
It wasn’t difficult for her to practice detachment in this. She could convince herself that it would be a mercy to end it all quickly. She wondered briefly if she did it quickly enough, would she even have to tell Clint anything? But if he ever did find out he’d never forgive her and she’d lose him. (He might not forgive her anyway, but she was counting on his practicality to win out over sentimentality... and she kept her mind locked in the dichotomy of practical vs. sentimental to keep from screaming off the edge of the abyss.)
Author/Artist: Koren M. (cybermathwitch)
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, there'd already be a Black Widow/Hawkeye movie.
Pairing: Clint/Natasha
Rating: Adult, 17+
Warnings: language, buckets of angst, discussion of abortion, did I mention angst? No, really
Spoilers: none
Type: complete
Word Count: 391
Summary: She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no way for a child to work in their life. None. Even if they were willing to leave what they did for a living behind (which was as essential to both of them as breathing) there would be no way to keep it safe. Too many people would be interested in the child of a Black Widow, particularly one who’d been enhanced like she had - either for experimentation, leverage, or revenge.
Author's Notes:
Many, many, many thank yous to my betas kadollan, sweetwatersong, anuna_81, and SidheRa (if I've forgotten someone else I bounced this off of, I apologize profusely)... this story took forever and a lot of hand-holding to write.
There's no character death, but I'm not kidding about the angst, y'all.
In re: "discussion of abortion" - this isn't meant to be a political stance on the issue one way or t'other. It's simply how I feel these particular characters would view/discuss/approach the issue, period.
In re: POVs - Clint has always been the one telling me this story. The very first scene I had in my head was one of their central conversations, and the bucket-o-feels he had about the subject. I had always intended to go back and write in Natasha's points of view to alternate with his, because that makes sense and it's absolutely her story too and involves her just as much, but all I could ever get out of her was the intro. Then finally, after seriously considering giving up on the whole project, I got the epilogue from her in one mad rush in the middle of the night - but nothing else. I think the epilogue gives a better explanation of *why* she didn't want to "talk" about the rest of the fic.
If you want the soundtrack, it's Snow Patrol's "Run".
Her first thought was "no."
Her second thought was "I can't."
Her third thought, predictably, was "shit."
Then she started to breathe again.
******
She cleared a few days on her schedule and went to an apartment she kept in McLean, one that was unconnected to SHIELD. She waited until the following morning to take the test she'd brought with her, and halfway convinced herself it was because the instructions claimed it would be more accurate that way.
Five minutes later, the lines were clear and unmistakable.
Natasha didn't indulge herself in blind panic, even for something like this. Her own emotions were ricocheting around in her head, uncertain, but foremost was that she had no idea how to tell Clint.
She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, there was no way for a child to work in their life. None. Even if they were willing to leave what they did for a living behind (which was as essential to both of them as breathing) there would be no way to keep it safe. Too many people would be interested in the child of a Black Widow, particularly one who’d been enhanced like she had - either for experimentation, leverage, or revenge. They’d both pissed off a hell of a lot of people in their time with SHIELD, and more before that. Then there was the Red Room itself, who would positively salivate at the idea of getting their hands on it.
That thought twisted darkly in her gut and Natasha finished throwing up what little breakfast she’d managed to get down, then rinsed out her mouth. She splashed water on her face, then dried off with a towel and gave herself exactly thirty seconds to lean against the sink before straightening.
It wasn’t difficult for her to practice detachment in this. She could convince herself that it would be a mercy to end it all quickly. She wondered briefly if she did it quickly enough, would she even have to tell Clint anything? But if he ever did find out he’d never forgive her and she’d lose him. (He might not forgive her anyway, but she was counting on his practicality to win out over sentimentality... and she kept her mind locked in the dichotomy of practical vs. sentimental to keep from screaming off the edge of the abyss.)