screw the drama, lets be straitforward
"This is one time,
This is one time,
That you cant fake it hard enought to please
Everyone, or anyone at all,
Or anyone at all"
- Dashboard Confessionals"
So i won't fake it anymore. I was trying so hard not to care about what's been going on this past week, and Jayson and I talked today, which kinda helped and kinda made things worse. Apparently Andy thinks that I'm the one who called the cops. How could that have even happened? Look, I don't know who called the cops or what happened, but I know that it wasn't me who called. For one thing, I was with Andy at the time the cops were called, we went to my car to get my stuff and went back up to his room, and we were in his room before that, so there was no time when i was alone, so they would've known if i was calling someone. And there's the fact that i never knew he had a paintball gun in his room at any point, no one ever mentioned it to me, so how would I have told a cop about it? and why would I have said Andy has an anger problem and then stayed with him. AND where would I have gotten the number for the campus cops? I don't even know the livonia or redford cops numbers, or the eastern campus police or the scraft ones. so why would I know the ones at ferris? ANYWAYS, so while that pissed me off, I am just trying to forget the events of this week. it's a lot of drama and most of it is exaggerated or completely made up, and i'm sure eventually it will pass, just like everything else. I'm just gonna go to work and do my mountain top stuff and practice my guitar. I've spent a lot of time with Jacquie and Grimes, and I love hanging out with them, so I guess that's good. But something else is still bothering me. Actually two somethings.
The first something is the fact that Mandii and I were friends for a long time, and most of what's going on is exaggerated high school drama. I really don't want to lose a friend, and when she accused me of lying to her face it hurt, cuz I really didn't do that. I make a really bad liar, so I don't even try anymore. And I did make some posts that I shouldn't have relating to this, but it was other people's opinions of this, not mine. and I deleted her comments because people asked me to, not because I was gossiping and being immature. I wish she and I could sit down and talk like adults and sort things out, but she won't talk to me if I call her, and I know that by now she's convinced herself that all of the things that have been said this week are true, she's never going to believe my side now. But I am sorry for what happened, because, even if exaggerated, I did say some things I shouldn't have. But I really didn't try to make her and Andy hate eachother. When I went into her room when I first got to ferris, I even said, why can't you guys get along. I did my best to get them talking again because I don't like having friends who are fighting. Well, now they aren't fighting with eachother, but they also aren't my friends. I hate losing friends. And I said I'd help her move and kinda still plan on it, if she wants the help, cuz that's what friends do. So that's the first thing.
The second is shitty too. I'm so mad at myself, because I miss him. I mean, 2 weeks or text messages that made me smile, and they just stopped. I had someone to just call and talk to about nothing. I had something to look forward to, going to visit him. You have no idea how a simple text message about nothing can make me smile while i'm at work. and now I'm never going to get another one. And I was stupid. I let myself start to care about him. After one kiss I was so happy, it was insane. And on Sunday I would've been a lot more upset about leaving if i knew it was the last time we were going to see eachother. But I thought I was going to be there Thursday and Friday. And when he told me he had a paper to write, I was even hoping that I could drive the 6 hours (3 each way) just to see him for an hour or two. But he thinks that all this drama is true, and it sucks, because he hates me now. I wish he and I could just sit down and talk this out too. I miss the little things, like phone calls and text messages. I wish things could go back to the way they were.
I wish I hadn't gone to ferris this weekend. Then things wouldn't have changed. But I did enjoy seeing both Mandii and Andy, and I'm glad I got to meet Jayson. On the bright side, he IS still talking to me. I guess not everyone hates me.
More lyrics relating to this shitty feeling:
"So kiss me hard,
Cuz this will be the last time that i let you.
You'll be back someday."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
This is where i say i've had enough,
No one should ever feel the way that i feel now.
A walking open wound,
A trophy display of bruises,
And i don't believe that i'm getting any better.
Waiting here with hopes that form a ring,
And i'm thinking awful things,
I'm pretty sure that few would notice."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
"I'm throwing away the letters i am writing you,
Cuz they would never do.
I would never do."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
"You smile like a saint,
But you curse like a sailor,
And your eyes say the jokes on me.
But I'm not laughing,
You're not leaving,
Who do I think I am kidding,
When I'm the only one locked in this hell."
- Dashboard Confessionals
"Your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And I starve,
I starve for you."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
*****I'M SORRY*****
This is one time,
That you cant fake it hard enought to please
Everyone, or anyone at all,
Or anyone at all"
- Dashboard Confessionals"
So i won't fake it anymore. I was trying so hard not to care about what's been going on this past week, and Jayson and I talked today, which kinda helped and kinda made things worse. Apparently Andy thinks that I'm the one who called the cops. How could that have even happened? Look, I don't know who called the cops or what happened, but I know that it wasn't me who called. For one thing, I was with Andy at the time the cops were called, we went to my car to get my stuff and went back up to his room, and we were in his room before that, so there was no time when i was alone, so they would've known if i was calling someone. And there's the fact that i never knew he had a paintball gun in his room at any point, no one ever mentioned it to me, so how would I have told a cop about it? and why would I have said Andy has an anger problem and then stayed with him. AND where would I have gotten the number for the campus cops? I don't even know the livonia or redford cops numbers, or the eastern campus police or the scraft ones. so why would I know the ones at ferris? ANYWAYS, so while that pissed me off, I am just trying to forget the events of this week. it's a lot of drama and most of it is exaggerated or completely made up, and i'm sure eventually it will pass, just like everything else. I'm just gonna go to work and do my mountain top stuff and practice my guitar. I've spent a lot of time with Jacquie and Grimes, and I love hanging out with them, so I guess that's good. But something else is still bothering me. Actually two somethings.
The first something is the fact that Mandii and I were friends for a long time, and most of what's going on is exaggerated high school drama. I really don't want to lose a friend, and when she accused me of lying to her face it hurt, cuz I really didn't do that. I make a really bad liar, so I don't even try anymore. And I did make some posts that I shouldn't have relating to this, but it was other people's opinions of this, not mine. and I deleted her comments because people asked me to, not because I was gossiping and being immature. I wish she and I could sit down and talk like adults and sort things out, but she won't talk to me if I call her, and I know that by now she's convinced herself that all of the things that have been said this week are true, she's never going to believe my side now. But I am sorry for what happened, because, even if exaggerated, I did say some things I shouldn't have. But I really didn't try to make her and Andy hate eachother. When I went into her room when I first got to ferris, I even said, why can't you guys get along. I did my best to get them talking again because I don't like having friends who are fighting. Well, now they aren't fighting with eachother, but they also aren't my friends. I hate losing friends. And I said I'd help her move and kinda still plan on it, if she wants the help, cuz that's what friends do. So that's the first thing.
The second is shitty too. I'm so mad at myself, because I miss him. I mean, 2 weeks or text messages that made me smile, and they just stopped. I had someone to just call and talk to about nothing. I had something to look forward to, going to visit him. You have no idea how a simple text message about nothing can make me smile while i'm at work. and now I'm never going to get another one. And I was stupid. I let myself start to care about him. After one kiss I was so happy, it was insane. And on Sunday I would've been a lot more upset about leaving if i knew it was the last time we were going to see eachother. But I thought I was going to be there Thursday and Friday. And when he told me he had a paper to write, I was even hoping that I could drive the 6 hours (3 each way) just to see him for an hour or two. But he thinks that all this drama is true, and it sucks, because he hates me now. I wish he and I could just sit down and talk this out too. I miss the little things, like phone calls and text messages. I wish things could go back to the way they were.
I wish I hadn't gone to ferris this weekend. Then things wouldn't have changed. But I did enjoy seeing both Mandii and Andy, and I'm glad I got to meet Jayson. On the bright side, he IS still talking to me. I guess not everyone hates me.
More lyrics relating to this shitty feeling:
"So kiss me hard,
Cuz this will be the last time that i let you.
You'll be back someday."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
This is where i say i've had enough,
No one should ever feel the way that i feel now.
A walking open wound,
A trophy display of bruises,
And i don't believe that i'm getting any better.
Waiting here with hopes that form a ring,
And i'm thinking awful things,
I'm pretty sure that few would notice."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
"I'm throwing away the letters i am writing you,
Cuz they would never do.
I would never do."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
"You smile like a saint,
But you curse like a sailor,
And your eyes say the jokes on me.
But I'm not laughing,
You're not leaving,
Who do I think I am kidding,
When I'm the only one locked in this hell."
- Dashboard Confessionals
"Your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And I starve,
I starve for you."
- Dashboard Confessionals -
*****I'M SORRY*****