be b0p- guess I may be a a tease like I have always been told
I feel like I have alot to say- but I am at a low on the words I need to speak what has to be said.
My birthday was lovely.
It was a nice simple sunny day - I did homeworked- destroyed my final. Hung out at home and took my time getting ready. Had a lovely dinner made for me by Jona.
Had a birthday party thing with Sandi, Kathlyn and Cladia.
Then I went out with some of my friends. Nice simple.
a little experiment. It was lovely.
And then Yesterday I woke up - ready. set. go. All I wanted was to go.
I met up with Jona for Breakfast, it was nice and I soon realized it was really the only place I wanted to be- I have started to wonder if I have feelings for her (something odd to write as my mother is sitting next to me) But really- I look forward to seeing her and she brightens my day- something that is rather rare for me to place a person - is able to brighten my day.
I look forward to seeing her and I so badly enjoy our talks. If anything I wish I had the courage to ask her more questions about herself- let me re-phrase that. I feel like we talk, all the time, but there are so many personal areas in her life that I have noticed she has been vauge on... this intrigues me to no end. I understand that we are two very differentiate people in the area of goals. But fundamentally very similar.
We both want to be happy. I would just say how we would acquire this emotion will be quite differently.
Yet here I am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up- I want well-exactly what she said. I want a nice house with a lovely wife and a dam golden retriever. I don't know what Jona wants- but I have this gut feeling it involves a dirt road to a lovely garden.
But why am I so involved with the idea of the future instead of living in the present?
So is this the end before anything even happens? Hell for the first time in my life I don't know where I am going to be in a year- something I have never had before. Yet something it seems like Jona lives in. Something I have never tried.
And yet When it rains it pours. I am out all over again breaking hearts. But I think I think this time I might just be the one that is left out in the rain.
I went out and saw my Ashley. Yesterday in Salem, we went out to a gay bar and we talked. I miss her. but i know she is not good for me. She has lived in this life of pure stagnet nature for so long. I feel like she has died in a odd way. And I feel like she looks at me as one of the few people who can save her.
I selfishly love the feeling of need.
It is my drug.
And yet i don't want her to need me. and as we sat at the bar she played with my hair, kissed me neck ans whispered how much she wanted me all over again...
and yet - I let it all happen.
But I remember why we ended.
I remember all the reasons why I hated her once upon a time. I never wanted to talk to her ever again. I would rather be 'lonely' for the rest of my life than ever be betrayed to that degree ever again.
But I am not sure is she could do it to me all over again. but I am not sure if i want to play with those odds. I take that back. I never want to be with her ever again.
I just want to hurt her like she did to me.
but fuck that.
I don't want to be that person either. So I don't even know.
For the past year - it has all been in my control. It still is. But I feel like I am becoming someone I don't want to be by playing with her emotions just like she did to me.
And know I am the stronger one. It is not fair for me to play with her like she did to me. and I realize that .
but my god is it hard when she is such a lost puppy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week I will also see Ashley, and that is always yet another interesting experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jona has been in a way setting me up with well- the gay community, the gay community I always wanted to meet in Ashland. It is such a nice breath of fresh air.
I mean I can meet people. meet girls. and do all of the stuff I wish I had been doing.
But do I really go after girls just because they where there? But doesn't that just seem silly?
But I am scared that if I vocalize, my feelings for her, I could ruin the amazing friendship I have.
So here I am. for the first time in a long while. Having attention from women.
Its rainy women.
but I feel like the one I want is the one inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meeting the people of the 'bike' house I think has been a saving grace for me. I have found myself more aware.
So then does that mean I should just stay quite for however long I am in Ashland?
or do I speak up?
.poop.
.... O the joys of confusion...
& then I can't help but wonder? Do i really like her or just the concept? Maybe I should just wait till i know...
My birthday was lovely.
It was a nice simple sunny day - I did homeworked- destroyed my final. Hung out at home and took my time getting ready. Had a lovely dinner made for me by Jona.
Had a birthday party thing with Sandi, Kathlyn and Cladia.
Then I went out with some of my friends. Nice simple.
a little experiment. It was lovely.
And then Yesterday I woke up - ready. set. go. All I wanted was to go.
I met up with Jona for Breakfast, it was nice and I soon realized it was really the only place I wanted to be- I have started to wonder if I have feelings for her (something odd to write as my mother is sitting next to me) But really- I look forward to seeing her and she brightens my day- something that is rather rare for me to place a person - is able to brighten my day.
I look forward to seeing her and I so badly enjoy our talks. If anything I wish I had the courage to ask her more questions about herself- let me re-phrase that. I feel like we talk, all the time, but there are so many personal areas in her life that I have noticed she has been vauge on... this intrigues me to no end. I understand that we are two very differentiate people in the area of goals. But fundamentally very similar.
We both want to be happy. I would just say how we would acquire this emotion will be quite differently.
Yet here I am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up- I want well-exactly what she said. I want a nice house with a lovely wife and a dam golden retriever. I don't know what Jona wants- but I have this gut feeling it involves a dirt road to a lovely garden.
But why am I so involved with the idea of the future instead of living in the present?
So is this the end before anything even happens? Hell for the first time in my life I don't know where I am going to be in a year- something I have never had before. Yet something it seems like Jona lives in. Something I have never tried.
And yet When it rains it pours. I am out all over again breaking hearts. But I think I think this time I might just be the one that is left out in the rain.
I went out and saw my Ashley. Yesterday in Salem, we went out to a gay bar and we talked. I miss her. but i know she is not good for me. She has lived in this life of pure stagnet nature for so long. I feel like she has died in a odd way. And I feel like she looks at me as one of the few people who can save her.
I selfishly love the feeling of need.
It is my drug.
And yet i don't want her to need me. and as we sat at the bar she played with my hair, kissed me neck ans whispered how much she wanted me all over again...
and yet - I let it all happen.
But I remember why we ended.
I remember all the reasons why I hated her once upon a time. I never wanted to talk to her ever again. I would rather be 'lonely' for the rest of my life than ever be betrayed to that degree ever again.
But I am not sure is she could do it to me all over again. but I am not sure if i want to play with those odds. I take that back. I never want to be with her ever again.
I just want to hurt her like she did to me.
but fuck that.
I don't want to be that person either. So I don't even know.
For the past year - it has all been in my control. It still is. But I feel like I am becoming someone I don't want to be by playing with her emotions just like she did to me.
And know I am the stronger one. It is not fair for me to play with her like she did to me. and I realize that .
but my god is it hard when she is such a lost puppy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week I will also see Ashley, and that is always yet another interesting experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jona has been in a way setting me up with well- the gay community, the gay community I always wanted to meet in Ashland. It is such a nice breath of fresh air.
I mean I can meet people. meet girls. and do all of the stuff I wish I had been doing.
But do I really go after girls just because they where there? But doesn't that just seem silly?
But I am scared that if I vocalize, my feelings for her, I could ruin the amazing friendship I have.
So here I am. for the first time in a long while. Having attention from women.
Its rainy women.
but I feel like the one I want is the one inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meeting the people of the 'bike' house I think has been a saving grace for me. I have found myself more aware.
So then does that mean I should just stay quite for however long I am in Ashland?
or do I speak up?
.poop.
.... O the joys of confusion...
& then I can't help but wonder? Do i really like her or just the concept? Maybe I should just wait till i know...