Ahhhhhh, what the hell
I haven't been posting here all that much lately, but I suppose I'll put this one here instead of on Myspace.
I was remembering today that I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday afternoon. I am looking forward to it. Just as I realized that I was looking forward to it I started to wonder if I am dependent on her. I don't believe that I am because I only go in about once every 3 weeks. The fact that I am looking forward to being able to talk with her about some stuff made me feel uncomfortable in a way, as though I can't distinguish between enjoying something and depending on something...In reality I know the difference, but something inside me is being very wary of gaining a dependence on anything right now. There are some reasons for feeling this way, and I know what they are.
I was dependent on my mother for some things in the way that most children depend on their parents regardless of age: perspective, reassurance, unconditional love, etc. I was dependent on my ex for stability, which is either ironic or stupid because he is really not the type of person who can give me that. I guess I assumed that when we moved in together and I got to know his family that I would be integrated and loved and that this town would feel more like home. That obviously did not happen, and now I'm wondering what it is that I have here except for my job. Fortunately the people who I work with operate like a small family, so I do feel cared for and respected there and I am grateful.
My dad asked me why I tend to choose men who are not driven to the same extent that I am. Today I came up with a possible answer that has made more sense to me than other ideas I've had: I am the more independent one. Simply put, I cannot become too dependent on someone who has a hard time taking care of themselves. Due to the fact that these men have lacked a certain amount of ambition and discipline they often take well to a maternal figure which is a role that I've been ready to fulfill. There will be no question that I will feel needed. I think I'm ready to break that cycle. But I believe that my choice in men is a reflection of my fear of being dependent. I am afraid of being provided for or feeling like I need someone. On the surface I want that shared situation with the men I've been with. Interdependence I think is the word for it. But deep down I know that I can't get that from them. My dad has always said that he thinks I find relationships that are comfortable for me but that I know are not ultimately the right ones - he says that I'm commitment phobic. In the end I guess he's been saying the same thing that I've apparently just realized. I don't have to be afraid of the life long commitment if in the back of my mind I know I'm with the wrong guy to spend my life with.
I'm at a struggle with myself because I am starting to cognitively want the right man. Someone who I know I can spend the rest of my life with and that it will be ok if I wake up at 30 and decide that I want kids. I don't want to just find that man at 30 because I want the relationship to be built by then. I want the option for a family to already be there. Due to this I'm finding myself feeling incredibly fussy about men who I could potentially date right now. No more restaurant slugs who sling food all day, do drugs, blow money, and have no stability. No more men in their early thirties who haven't managed to grow up. No more men who can't take care of themselves and thus I end up trying to take care of them.
That's it folks, I've really raised the bar here: My next man must have *drum roll* a career path. Perhaps a car that isn't on the verge of falling apart, or at least if it is he might have a concept of money or some credit history so he can eventually get a new one. I do not want to end up having to drive someone all over again. I'm not saying that people can't be in a tough spot where maybe they don't have a lot of money or a nice car, because I have neither. But I'm motivated and when my car is too old I will have funds set aside for another one. It's not that he'll have to OWN a lot, but at least have the ability to think ahead and make some sort of a plan for the future. I am in no hurry to find that person. But I know that when that person comes along I will be ready.
I was remembering today that I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday afternoon. I am looking forward to it. Just as I realized that I was looking forward to it I started to wonder if I am dependent on her. I don't believe that I am because I only go in about once every 3 weeks. The fact that I am looking forward to being able to talk with her about some stuff made me feel uncomfortable in a way, as though I can't distinguish between enjoying something and depending on something...In reality I know the difference, but something inside me is being very wary of gaining a dependence on anything right now. There are some reasons for feeling this way, and I know what they are.
I was dependent on my mother for some things in the way that most children depend on their parents regardless of age: perspective, reassurance, unconditional love, etc. I was dependent on my ex for stability, which is either ironic or stupid because he is really not the type of person who can give me that. I guess I assumed that when we moved in together and I got to know his family that I would be integrated and loved and that this town would feel more like home. That obviously did not happen, and now I'm wondering what it is that I have here except for my job. Fortunately the people who I work with operate like a small family, so I do feel cared for and respected there and I am grateful.
My dad asked me why I tend to choose men who are not driven to the same extent that I am. Today I came up with a possible answer that has made more sense to me than other ideas I've had: I am the more independent one. Simply put, I cannot become too dependent on someone who has a hard time taking care of themselves. Due to the fact that these men have lacked a certain amount of ambition and discipline they often take well to a maternal figure which is a role that I've been ready to fulfill. There will be no question that I will feel needed. I think I'm ready to break that cycle. But I believe that my choice in men is a reflection of my fear of being dependent. I am afraid of being provided for or feeling like I need someone. On the surface I want that shared situation with the men I've been with. Interdependence I think is the word for it. But deep down I know that I can't get that from them. My dad has always said that he thinks I find relationships that are comfortable for me but that I know are not ultimately the right ones - he says that I'm commitment phobic. In the end I guess he's been saying the same thing that I've apparently just realized. I don't have to be afraid of the life long commitment if in the back of my mind I know I'm with the wrong guy to spend my life with.
I'm at a struggle with myself because I am starting to cognitively want the right man. Someone who I know I can spend the rest of my life with and that it will be ok if I wake up at 30 and decide that I want kids. I don't want to just find that man at 30 because I want the relationship to be built by then. I want the option for a family to already be there. Due to this I'm finding myself feeling incredibly fussy about men who I could potentially date right now. No more restaurant slugs who sling food all day, do drugs, blow money, and have no stability. No more men in their early thirties who haven't managed to grow up. No more men who can't take care of themselves and thus I end up trying to take care of them.
That's it folks, I've really raised the bar here: My next man must have *drum roll* a career path. Perhaps a car that isn't on the verge of falling apart, or at least if it is he might have a concept of money or some credit history so he can eventually get a new one. I do not want to end up having to drive someone all over again. I'm not saying that people can't be in a tough spot where maybe they don't have a lot of money or a nice car, because I have neither. But I'm motivated and when my car is too old I will have funds set aside for another one. It's not that he'll have to OWN a lot, but at least have the ability to think ahead and make some sort of a plan for the future. I am in no hurry to find that person. But I know that when that person comes along I will be ready.