Pondering over Debussi.....
So, I started off the new year with a new apartment. I live on my own now, without worry of room mates eating my food, having to fight with a dirty kitchen, or even fighting for a parking spot. It is taking me some getting use to living on my own, but the solace of silence is comforting at times, but at other times it can be terribly lonely. I am still adjusting....
I have made a lot of new friends over the last few months. I try to hang out with as many of them as regularly as I can. The people I work with are absolutely amazing, and I love my job. I can think of little that I want or need at this exact moment, and for what I can tell, I have everything I need.
But... for whatever reason, my life still feels inexplicably empty, and I do not know why.
Right now I am just sitting here listening to Cluade Debussi and all I can think about or say to myself is "now what." I have done so much in my short life, but alternatively I have accomplished so little. I can not seem to hold on to anything of any value, whether if be friends, relationships, or what have you. I look back and I realize that there is not one friend I have now that I have known for more than six years. My job seems to change every 2-3 years, and friends seem to fade out of my life faster than the stars at dawn. Will this time be different? Will I finally have, hold, and maintain a meaningful relationship with the friends that I have now?
I often wonder if I am simply a leaf on the wind, drifting through the lives of others, or if everyone else is simply drifting through mine.
Hope is what I hold on to, my candle light, and sometimes I am afraid the breeze will blow it out.
I do have doubts that I will find anything meaningful beyond friendship with anyone. I have broken too many hearts myself, and mine has been shattered likewise. Too many times have I watched others turn their back on me, just to watch them walk away and embrace someone else. I think that perhaps I am just not fit for a relationship.
So, where do I go from here. Stuff is just stuff. It could all burn, and I wouldnt even care. Anything physical is temporary and fleeting. The only things that have ever mattered to me are the relationships I have with others, and it would be my luck that they are the one thing I can't ever seem to maintain.
Im staring at a drawing on my coffee table, wishing I could talk to it or maybe the artist. I miss meaningful conversations. Debussi is nice to listen to, but Claude will never reply, or answer my questions. No, there are no hugs from Mr. Debussi, just a distant memory of melody over ivory keys. I wish I could close my eyes and melt away into the music.
I sometimes, morbidly I might add, wonder what people will remember of me when I am gone. I wonder out of all the people I have met and made friends with, who would actually show up at my funeral? I remember how sad I was at my Grandmother's memorial service at how few people that were there. Out of her long life, only a handful of people showed up. Then, knowing she had to live the last years of her life without the one person she loved most, because he died before she did.
Love. It is one of the very few things I would give up everything to have, and yet it is the one thing I seem to fail horribly at in life. No matter how much, or how hard I love another, I am always left alone, or at least it feels that way sometimes. I have so much love to give, and just want some given back from time to time. I love all of my friends.
I can't remember the last time someone told me that they loved me.
Maybe that was the last time, and I just don't know it yet.
I dunno, I am just rambling at this point. I should probably just go to bed. Maybe I will lock myself in my apartment for a week, and see who comes looking for me first. I have lots of books, and lots of food. Maybe I will turn my new apartment into a digital hermitage.
Dammit zombies, hurry up and get here.
Im gonna go lay on the couch with a nice book now. It's too quiet and not even the music is helping.
I have made a lot of new friends over the last few months. I try to hang out with as many of them as regularly as I can. The people I work with are absolutely amazing, and I love my job. I can think of little that I want or need at this exact moment, and for what I can tell, I have everything I need.
But... for whatever reason, my life still feels inexplicably empty, and I do not know why.
Right now I am just sitting here listening to Cluade Debussi and all I can think about or say to myself is "now what." I have done so much in my short life, but alternatively I have accomplished so little. I can not seem to hold on to anything of any value, whether if be friends, relationships, or what have you. I look back and I realize that there is not one friend I have now that I have known for more than six years. My job seems to change every 2-3 years, and friends seem to fade out of my life faster than the stars at dawn. Will this time be different? Will I finally have, hold, and maintain a meaningful relationship with the friends that I have now?
I often wonder if I am simply a leaf on the wind, drifting through the lives of others, or if everyone else is simply drifting through mine.
Hope is what I hold on to, my candle light, and sometimes I am afraid the breeze will blow it out.
I do have doubts that I will find anything meaningful beyond friendship with anyone. I have broken too many hearts myself, and mine has been shattered likewise. Too many times have I watched others turn their back on me, just to watch them walk away and embrace someone else. I think that perhaps I am just not fit for a relationship.
So, where do I go from here. Stuff is just stuff. It could all burn, and I wouldnt even care. Anything physical is temporary and fleeting. The only things that have ever mattered to me are the relationships I have with others, and it would be my luck that they are the one thing I can't ever seem to maintain.
Im staring at a drawing on my coffee table, wishing I could talk to it or maybe the artist. I miss meaningful conversations. Debussi is nice to listen to, but Claude will never reply, or answer my questions. No, there are no hugs from Mr. Debussi, just a distant memory of melody over ivory keys. I wish I could close my eyes and melt away into the music.
I sometimes, morbidly I might add, wonder what people will remember of me when I am gone. I wonder out of all the people I have met and made friends with, who would actually show up at my funeral? I remember how sad I was at my Grandmother's memorial service at how few people that were there. Out of her long life, only a handful of people showed up. Then, knowing she had to live the last years of her life without the one person she loved most, because he died before she did.
Love. It is one of the very few things I would give up everything to have, and yet it is the one thing I seem to fail horribly at in life. No matter how much, or how hard I love another, I am always left alone, or at least it feels that way sometimes. I have so much love to give, and just want some given back from time to time. I love all of my friends.
I can't remember the last time someone told me that they loved me.
Maybe that was the last time, and I just don't know it yet.
I dunno, I am just rambling at this point. I should probably just go to bed. Maybe I will lock myself in my apartment for a week, and see who comes looking for me first. I have lots of books, and lots of food. Maybe I will turn my new apartment into a digital hermitage.
Dammit zombies, hurry up and get here.
Im gonna go lay on the couch with a nice book now. It's too quiet and not even the music is helping.