(no subject)
i dont know why but toinght it feels like everything is so hard. my research paper is monday, tonight is the only night i can do it, its 120 am, and i am on the second paragraph of a 7-12 page paper. im never going to get that far. i dont knowwhat im going to do. i dont have the right program to double space or edit, so ihavet o save it then go to my dads and redo it there, kindaish. just add the double space and headers adn everything.and im so stressed out with this.i wish i would have done it last weekend like i planned. but nope, not me, of course i wait until the last possible time.
i went to beloit with anna yesterday. i missed her and megan so much. i really cant even explain it. in all honesty, i am so mad at myself for everything. like i tink about it, and that is the worst decision i have ever made in my life. and in all honesty, i am jealous of lindsey and kaeleen. i miss my best friends, i miss what we had. dont get me wrong i love my friends now, its just, i miss anna and megan. and we are friends again, and working at it. and its going well, its just not like how it used to be, not exactly, and i miss that and it hurts so much and i can only pray it will become that way again. sometimes it feels like i tink of it more than they do, but probably just becuase i suffered a little bit more than them through it all, they still had each other, at lesat. and two new best friends. i had an abusive asshole with his asshole friends. and like 2 friends. and it was just awkward, and i miss my old life so much. i miss two summers ago. i miss being with them every day. i miss what we used to have. i am so thankful nowt hat i have a chance to have that back, that im getting closer with adele also, and i have holyl angie brittany and marc who were always there for me. even rikki, who iknow anna and megan hate, but i can't hate her. she was there for me through a lot too, and shes never done anything to hurt me. thats one thing i learned not to do. dont choose. just because someone else doesnt like them doesnt mean you have to choose. but if its like a mike, then you better choose, and if you dont choose your friends your a fucking dumbass. i am not as smart as i used tobe, i lost concentration. i lost motivation. i lost evereything. i just cant do this paper. i cant stop thinking. i cant think right. i miss phillip like no other. i am so thankful for him being in my life, i cant wait until hes here. megan is really begin to worry me. i just miss her, i want to hang out with her more like we used to but it seemes near impossible. i dont completely understand what shes going to, but looking at her past, and her family, and what used to happy i try to understand and just be here for her. and i pray for her, and cry for her and just dont know what to do, and it honestly breaks my heart that she has to go through some of the things she goes through, and no mattter what anyone else says she is one of the strongest people i know for it. yeah, she spends a lot of time with mark... which int he begining is why her and i used to fight cuz of me and mike, but its okay, i look past it because i would rather her be with him than be at home. i wish it was like 6th grade again when she can just come stay at my house and let us take care of her. i can't believe i just let myself leave all of that, leave my sisters. the only possible reason that the mike situation could have happened [since everything happens for a reason] is to prove just how strong the 3 of us are together, and how much we really do love each other. best friends shouldnt have to go through that and they shouldnt have to feel the ways we felt, but we did, and we got through it, and we're still here today. things are all a little shakey between all three of us. but if we made it through that we can make it through anything. and i have faith that when anna moves to beloit we will still see her all the time and make all the effort to do so. i have faith that megan will pull through and things will get better and she will see clearly. she just needs us there to hold her up and help eher. we cant tell her what to do, but we can help her try to think clearer. i dontknow what this entry was about. i guess i have just been weighed down a lot lately with this research paper, and just waiting for phillip, and thinking about how much i hate mike, and how much i missed my friends. and my fingers just started to go.
if only they'd do that on my stupid fucking research paper.
i went to beloit with anna yesterday. i missed her and megan so much. i really cant even explain it. in all honesty, i am so mad at myself for everything. like i tink about it, and that is the worst decision i have ever made in my life. and in all honesty, i am jealous of lindsey and kaeleen. i miss my best friends, i miss what we had. dont get me wrong i love my friends now, its just, i miss anna and megan. and we are friends again, and working at it. and its going well, its just not like how it used to be, not exactly, and i miss that and it hurts so much and i can only pray it will become that way again. sometimes it feels like i tink of it more than they do, but probably just becuase i suffered a little bit more than them through it all, they still had each other, at lesat. and two new best friends. i had an abusive asshole with his asshole friends. and like 2 friends. and it was just awkward, and i miss my old life so much. i miss two summers ago. i miss being with them every day. i miss what we used to have. i am so thankful nowt hat i have a chance to have that back, that im getting closer with adele also, and i have holyl angie brittany and marc who were always there for me. even rikki, who iknow anna and megan hate, but i can't hate her. she was there for me through a lot too, and shes never done anything to hurt me. thats one thing i learned not to do. dont choose. just because someone else doesnt like them doesnt mean you have to choose. but if its like a mike, then you better choose, and if you dont choose your friends your a fucking dumbass. i am not as smart as i used tobe, i lost concentration. i lost motivation. i lost evereything. i just cant do this paper. i cant stop thinking. i cant think right. i miss phillip like no other. i am so thankful for him being in my life, i cant wait until hes here. megan is really begin to worry me. i just miss her, i want to hang out with her more like we used to but it seemes near impossible. i dont completely understand what shes going to, but looking at her past, and her family, and what used to happy i try to understand and just be here for her. and i pray for her, and cry for her and just dont know what to do, and it honestly breaks my heart that she has to go through some of the things she goes through, and no mattter what anyone else says she is one of the strongest people i know for it. yeah, she spends a lot of time with mark... which int he begining is why her and i used to fight cuz of me and mike, but its okay, i look past it because i would rather her be with him than be at home. i wish it was like 6th grade again when she can just come stay at my house and let us take care of her. i can't believe i just let myself leave all of that, leave my sisters. the only possible reason that the mike situation could have happened [since everything happens for a reason] is to prove just how strong the 3 of us are together, and how much we really do love each other. best friends shouldnt have to go through that and they shouldnt have to feel the ways we felt, but we did, and we got through it, and we're still here today. things are all a little shakey between all three of us. but if we made it through that we can make it through anything. and i have faith that when anna moves to beloit we will still see her all the time and make all the effort to do so. i have faith that megan will pull through and things will get better and she will see clearly. she just needs us there to hold her up and help eher. we cant tell her what to do, but we can help her try to think clearer. i dontknow what this entry was about. i guess i have just been weighed down a lot lately with this research paper, and just waiting for phillip, and thinking about how much i hate mike, and how much i missed my friends. and my fingers just started to go.
if only they'd do that on my stupid fucking research paper.